Therapy for severe gender disappointment

[HL321]

Hi everyone,

please no judgement here as I appreciate im in a really fortunate position compared to many people, I acknowledge that I think I’m having a mental health challenge. I just found out we’re having our second boy, and I will preface that I adore our son, but I am absolutely devastated not to be having a girl.

i feel like it’s gone beyond gender ‘disappointment’ - I feel very disconnected from my pregnancy and I went from being so excited to absolute dread in the instant I found out :( I keep trying to convince myself that the NIPT was wrong but I know at 99.9a% accuracy that’s not true! I had my 12 week scan recently and I felt nothing…in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true) but I am regretting getting pregnant despite it being very much planned and wanted. everywhere I go I am comparing myself to other families with girls and feeling even worse.

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head.

I had the same with my son, not to this extent, but I was really gutted, however I always knew we would have a second and could have a girl then. It continued even beyond birth to feeling really jealous and resentful of friends having girls, so I’m thinking I probably need to address this now before the baby is born.

has anyone had therapy relating to gender disappointment who found it helpful? Im feeling very low and lost but hoping with some professional support I can work through it. Thanks so much x

This is one of the cruelest posts I’ve ever read on MN. And said to someone who is experiencing mental ill health.

reported.

You really need to have a very serious word with yourself. Children are not born to fulfil their mother's preconceived ideas of them.

From the mother of 2 wonderful sons.

Yes you did. The idea of children being born and unwanted very much hits all my nerves!

All those saying the OP’s sadness is rooted in having a stereotypical view of boy and girls - it may well be the case that some mums are desperate for a daughter out of a desire to go and get nails done together and dress her in frilly pink dresses, and watch Gilmore Girls while eating ice cream, and go on shopping trips to New York etc etc.

And it may be that these mums only dress their sons in blue, green, brown or grey clothes with hyper masculine dinosaurs or vehicles on, and give them toy cars and lasers and mini tool sets to play with.

But that is absolutely demonstrably not the case for the majority of boy mums I’ve met who hold deep grief for never having had the daughter they longed for. There are reasons for that grief that are nothing to do with gender stereotypes.

It is ok to have the feelings you have about what is happening to you in your life. I’m always sad when women are upbraided and reproached and blamed on this issue for the way they feel. It contributes to so much isolation and shame.

You wouldn’t say to a bride whose wedding cake was ruined before the ceremony, ‘Yes well I’m sure the starving in Africa would feel really sad for you about your ruined cake, Marie Antoinette’.

OP is feeling lost and low at the moment, and all the folk who have leapt on the thread to tell her she’s wrong to feel the way she feels are not helping her get to a better place with it all. It’s like the last taboo on Mumsnet!

OP - there are more women out there than you think, who won’t say anything on MN because they know they’ll get their arses handed to them, but who have felt just as you do. Hang in there.

There are reasons for that grief that are nothing to do with gender stereotypes.

What are those reasons?

I absolutely adore all three kids but my son I have the best relationship with. He just gets me like I get him.

God, your idea of a good time sounds utterly, utterly dull 😂 Do you have a boy? I can only imagine something like this is written by someone who has never been lucky enough to experience the crazy, joyful, funny, ridiculous perspective that boys often bring. I’m sure lots of girls can bring that too by the way - but perhaps not your creepy one dimensional dull as dishwater version of them.

To the OP - well done for acknowledging what you’re feeling isn’t rational or healthy. Pursue therapy, I’m sure it’ll help you immensely. It’ll allow you to grieve for what you will not experience, but it will also allow you to move on and be excited for the future. I have no doubt that every combination of children (boys only, girls only, boy girl, one child, two children, three etc) brings great rewards. You will see how amazing having two boys together is and it’ll feel so complete it will make the overwhelming feelings you have now virtually obsolete.

“Not having someone to care for us when we are old as this is typically a female role.”

YABU for this statement alone. The only boys/men who have this attitude are boys who were raised to think it’s not a male role.

Of course she wants her child that is not what she is saying at all.

Since when have crafting, drawing and baking been girl activities? 😅 I agree that doing nails/hair aren’t generally boy things (with exceptions of course) but doing arts and crafts/creative things and baking are a big part of most people’s parenting experience with both boys and girls equally IME.

Two boys here- two beautiful wives/GF. They crack me up with laughter, were very uncomplicated in the teenage years and give the best hugs. Yes, I didn't get pink ballet shoes and those gorgeous JoJo dresses and T bars but you get what you're given. Mine are happy, healthy and I'm grateful.

There is no rationality for this post except you are in serious need of therapy.

Why would your have gotten pregnant twice knowing you had a 50% chance of having boys if you had that strong of feelings to have a girl?

I find these posts so unbelievably sad and frankly awful. For balance - I never wanted girls and glad I didn’t have them but wouldn’t have cared either way. To be so focused on having a girl is just awful.

Please seek help asap. Your post is very worrying.

FGS I was hoping we were moving on from this old fashioned thinking.
News alert - Sons and daughters are NOT legal required to look after aging parents, if they have even a small input with elderly parent care it should be regarded as a given.
I have 7 kids and I've made it quite clear I don't want any of them becoming my carers they have their own lives to lead.

Eh? She says she wants an excuse to terminate.

“Having boys is genuinely a bit shit.”
“The least enjoyable parenting experience.”
“Parenting girls is more fulfilling.”

Sure sounds like that particular poster wants a boy! If you’re referring to the OP, she literally says in her post that she wouldn’t be disappointed if something was wrong with her son and she had to terminate the pregnancy.

In my opinion they’re both as bad as each other.

some would do well to consider that this is NOT AIBU and that the OP is experiencing mental ill health and dial back the nastiness

You never wanted girls and glad you didn’t have them.

so you can’t understand gender disappointment if you’ve never experienced it.
you don’t honestly know your reaction if you found out you was having a girl that you didn’t want.

I always wanted a girl and ended up with 5 of them, but I was still upset and disappointed when my last two weren’t boys. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love them any less

Yup, I’m trying to understand and be gentle, but this is bs and offensive bs at that.

Op states “in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true)”

she says it’s in her head
she’s obviously struggling and knows that what she’s thinking isn’t right or like herself.

shes looking for help and support

Because she's mentally struggling. I've had some awful and frankly sick and twisted thoughts when struggling

It's still not accurate to say she obviously wants this baby.

Thank you. There’s a pregnant woman clearly struggling with her mental health at the other end of it. She said herself she knows she’s lucky to be pregnant, she knows her feelings are irrational, she posted on the pregnancy board looking for support or therapy recommendations to help change her feelings but people just can’t help themselves. Thankfully some of the worst comments have been reported and deleted.

Yes you need to talk to someone as this is extreme. Also your views are very odd, even if you had a daughter she may be none of those things that you are expecting, she might not want you interfering with her wedding or to look after you when your old. I feel sorry for your poor unborn son, please get help.

Just to add a different perspective, I have 2 adopted sons, now in their 20s. When my husband and I were going through the adoption process, I had a very strong preference for adopting boys. This was because I had a very unhappy experience of being a daughter and I was scared of history repeating itself if I became a mother to girls. I still feel that this was the best decision for all of us.