Therapy for severe gender disappointment

[HL321]

Hi everyone,

please no judgement here as I appreciate im in a really fortunate position compared to many people, I acknowledge that I think I’m having a mental health challenge. I just found out we’re having our second boy, and I will preface that I adore our son, but I am absolutely devastated not to be having a girl.

i feel like it’s gone beyond gender ‘disappointment’ - I feel very disconnected from my pregnancy and I went from being so excited to absolute dread in the instant I found out :( I keep trying to convince myself that the NIPT was wrong but I know at 99.9a% accuracy that’s not true! I had my 12 week scan recently and I felt nothing…in my head I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if there was something wrong with the baby and we had to terminate which is just not me at all (and if it came down to it I know this wouldn’t be true) but I am regretting getting pregnant despite it being very much planned and wanted. everywhere I go I am comparing myself to other families with girls and feeling even worse.

i think my fear is less so about having a boy but more so about never having a girl. I worry about our future with sons and not having the same mother/daughter close relationship with them, not getting to help plan a daughters wedding, being the ‘mother in law’, not having someone to care for us when we’re old as this is typically a female role. All ridiculous I know but I’m so in my own head.

I had the same with my son, not to this extent, but I was really gutted, however I always knew we would have a second and could have a girl then. It continued even beyond birth to feeling really jealous and resentful of friends having girls, so I’m thinking I probably need to address this now before the baby is born.

has anyone had therapy relating to gender disappointment who found it helpful? Im feeling very low and lost but hoping with some professional support I can work through it. Thanks so much x

OP, your DS will be very pleased to be having a brother. My DS is 40, and still bemoans the fact that he only has sisters. My DD has two lovely boys, and they’re very close, as my DH was to his DB (DB sadly died during Covid). Once your baby is here, you know you will love him him. Feel blessed that you will have two sons.

Good post from @Thuraya17. These are your own limiting and deeply sexist ideas about men and women and gender roles, OP. When you choose to have a child, you're choosing to have a potentially independent person, whose job is not to live out your gendered fantasies through them. Your imaginary daughter might well not be close to you. She might not marry, or she might do what I did and get married with two witnesses and not tell family till years later. If your child of either sex marries, you will be a mother-in-law. You don't get a guarantee of elder care from either sons or daughters.

I think that the sooner you can recognise that these are biases in your thinking the sooner you will come to terms with the fact that this baby will be its own person as a boy, just as it would have been as a girl.

Just some positives on having two boys - I have two boys close in age and they’re absolute best friends, it makes it easy having two of the same gender as they share a bedroom, are into all the same things and tend to get invited to the same parties.

Boys are so, so loving and funny and generally better at independent play. My eldest is a sensitive soul who is really helpful and the most caring big brother, I can’t imagine that a girl would have any better caring tendencies than he does. We’re due our third (and last) child soon and we’d both genuinely be happy with either gender.

I completely understand your disappointment, Op, but overall I think it's better when two siblings are the same sex. I desperately wanted a girl but if I'd had a boy, I'd want the next one to also be a boy because it's more common for same sex siblings to have a stronger bond. Let's face it, having a second child is mostly about your first not being an only child so why not want them to have the sibling that they'd prefer?

I completely understand gender disappointed.
im on the other scale, I have 5 girls and longed for a boy.
with my youngest I was so disconnected I hated pregnancy and was so worried I wouldn’t bond. But when she was born all those feelings disappeared.
i fell pregnant in January and started to get so pent up about it being a girl and we lost the baby I was devastated. I fell pregnant again and this time I genuinely don’t care what we have.

listen to your feelings, they are valid even if noone understands your reasons.
noone else has to understand.
it would be a good idea to talk to a professional and air out those feels to them, they will be able to help you.

unfortunately coming onto open forums about something so sensitive isn’t the best thing to do because many people can’t or won’t be able to understand (no offence to anyone reading this)
to some people your reason and feelings with sound unreasonable and silly but to you they are valid

OP, there’s a chance on MN you may be gaslit into thinking you’re the worst person in the world for your feelings despite the fact half the threads on here are about how all men are terrible human beings and no man (not even your own husband) can ever really be depended on. But on gender disappointment threads women who are sad to be having boys are told there are no differences between the sexes.
Point is - be kind to yourself and maybe get a thick skin when reading replies.

Please talk to people in real life who will listen to you but also challenge your thinking. I really think you should talk to your midwife or GP in particular and be totally honest about the depth of your feelings - they will likely refer you to a mental health nurse to talk (or whatever the equivalent is where you are).

If I’m understanding properly it doesn’t sound like you don’t want another son but rather you are devastated not to be having a daughter. A friend of mine in her final pregnancy had to take some time to grieve the daughter she never had and found after that the excitement for another son came naturally. Your pregnancy hormones are probably making everything much worse at the moment too.

FWIW my husband and his brothers are all wonderful men and I consider my MIL a genuine friend. My children spend just as much time with my husband’s family as they do my own. And your son will probably be thrilled to have a brother - hopefully a best friend for life.

I wonder if you take a step back from this, you might find it's something else at the core of this.

How are your relationships with your parents/in-laws and yours partners too?

I had post partum psychosis after having my daughter which manifested as her not being real. She was a high needs baby and I had had a difficult relationship with my mum. I had been parenting her since I was around 8. I had a lot of therapy and my brain freaked out and was terrified of repeating my relationship with my mother.

For what it's worth I have a much closer relationship with my mother in law than I do my own mother. I see /speak to my mother once a week. My partner speaks to his mother several times a day. My mother-in-law knows we got a civil partnership 3 years ago my mother doesn't.

OP, there’s a chance on MN you may be gaslit into thinking you’re the worst person in the world for your feelings despite the fact half the threads on here are about how all men are terrible human beings and no man (not even your own husband) can ever really be depended on. But on gender disappointment threads women who are sad to be having boys are told there are no differences between the sexes.
Point is - be kind to yourself and maybe get a thick skin when reading replies.

OP is part of the problem. She doesn't dream of having a daughter who'll become Prime Minister or walk on the moon, she wants a pretty princess bride who'll wipe her bum when she's old. I'm willing to bet she's not raising her son to be an independent and dependable man who respects women as equals and will make a good husband.

Exactly. While I am, to an extent, sympathetic to the OP's evident distress, I also think she needs to wake up and smell her own sexism.

I think this is why so many 'gender disappointment' threads are so monumentally depressing, because they expose the internalised misogyny, low expectations and Pwetty Pwincess fantasies of their posters. Who quote 'A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life' like it's gospel, and without apparently the slightest idea that they are part of the problem.

Certainly get therapy to help. Also be thankful that you’re not having a girl because the weight of expectations you’d be placing on her would mean that she’d need therapy, herself.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Therapy would be a great idea, and it's commendable you've recognized you need it.

I was disappointed too when I found out I was having a second boy, but it has been the biggest joy of my life watching their brotherhood unfold. And when we were recently told our third would be a little boy as well, I was beaming with happiness on the scan table.

My boys are kind and exciting and so much fun to be around. They're boisterous little creatures for sure, but I don't see our bond as less than my friends and their daughters. I can't see that changing, even as they age and find partners, because I know I'll always support them and what they need from me in life.

The only lingering disappointment I have is over the clothes, I hope that's the same for you soon!

I’m not looking to derail her thread but are you suggesting that the millions of men we are all supposed to hate according to the gospel of mumsnet just weren’t raised right by their mums? 😬

Just trying to point out the irony is all. There was a thread recently “AIBU to hate all men” and the overwhelming majority response was no - men are the problem, men can’t be trusted, men are rapists, perverts, cheaters, etc. I actually commented on that thread saying “and we wonder why women have gender disappointment when they find out it’s a boy” and of course on that particular thread it’s tumbleweed. Yet when a woman starts a thread saying she would have preferred a girl, said woman is piled on and basically it’s up to her to do what, according to mumsnet, every other parent has failed in - raise a good man.

All I’m saying is you can’t blame people for reading page after page of toxic bile about an enter sex of humans and then have some feelings when they find out they’re having that particular sex.

FWIW - I would be equally happy with a boy or girl because I don’t buy into crap like all men are terrible. But at least my viewpoint is consistent. What irks me are the people who will say “men are terrible” yet just as quickly jump down a woman’s throat for expressing disappointment at having a son and say “just raise him right for goodness sake”. THAT is what pisses me off.

You feelings are perfectly valid, Op. You are not ridiculous, you are human. Honestly I think the fact you are being honest about it and seeking support is a really healthy positive thing.
I think some of the replies on here are unnecessary harsh. Therapy can absolutely help you work through your feelings. We all have hopes and dreams it’s ok to grieve when they don’t work out. It sounds like you need some space to process your emotions and untangle it all so that you can connect better to your pregnancy. As well as making space for your feelings your therapist will also be able to offer you different perspectives that you perhaps can’t see at the moment.
Maybe have a look at counselling directory. Wishing you all the best, things will work out and you will feel better and more connected to your boy.

Do you know what’s really sad about the majority of these comments
women really are bitches!
people come onto this page looking for support and advice, to not be judged and are asking for help.
what I read is women being nasty, making comments that aren’t helpful or kind.
making the op probably feel worse than she felt before posting.
I’ve been through gender disappointment, more than once, and it doesn’t matter what their or my own reasoning might be, you may not understand but certainly doesnt give you the reason to judge and make hurtful comments.
It hurts enough without people making it worse.
op has obviously realised her thinking isnt right and has mentioned therapy.
nothing nice to say don’t say it at all

Sorry but the fantasy mother - daughter relationship is just that - fantasy. My experience of raising a daughter, having desperately wanted a relationship to compensate for a hideous one with my own mother, has heralded nothing but heartbreak and significant MH issues in response. My DH is also heartbroken. There is none of the closeness, the spa days n shopping trips, the likelihood of wedding planning or grandchildren we had hoped for. And many of or friends have been similarly distraught at the issues arising from raising daughters. I dreaded having a boy but he has kept us same. In the end it was not their sex/gender that shaped our relationships or who they became - their temperament, personalities, peer groups etc all mean they are complex, unique individuals who evolve regardless of parental input and dreams.

i hope you can find a therapist to help you understand this and park your gendered expectations because whatever sex your second child had been, you would likely have been disappointed when your fantasy daughter did not fulfil the brief you’ve set up in your head.

I think you need to drop the stereotyping, just because you have a girl doesn't mean she will want to wear pink and her hair in bunches, she might not ever get married or she could be a lesbian and the "man" in the relationship so won't be shopping for dresses and all the rest of it, having this girly mother daughter bond. This describes my husband's sister, she is 1 of 3, 2 boys and 1 girl and she might as well be another brother, she dresses like a boy and prefers all things male orientated. She wore a suite on her wedding day (she married a girl) and didn't do anything traditional hen/wedding related. My husband thinks of her like another brother, she has never done the whole girly mother daughter thing with my mother in law either.

As for wanting a girl to look after you in old age 🙄. Don't be ridiculous.

No one is ever disappointed they're having a girl,it's always boys who ate a disappointment.

OP see you GP, you've admitted yourself something isn't right.

This seems.so much more prevalent than 30 years ago when we had a family. Finding out wasn't the norm.then but possible.

@HL321 for very complicated reasons, DS2 died, I desperately wanted my third baby to be a boy. In the adrenaline charged moment of birth, I totally and utterly adored dd and forgot all those longings. Had I known I was carrying a girl during the pg, I suspect I may have completely broken down.

FWIW MIL is 90. Her dd's do bugger all. DH does it all.

I think therapy may be very helpful for you and I hope you never face abject grief.

Good job for your daughter that you don't have one. WTF have I just read!? Get a grip, if this is real (I hope it isn't)

You can't even express your true feelings in an anonymous space without horrible replies.

I think it's great you acknowledge your feelings. You're allowed to feel really disappointed. You can't be bitched out of your feelings by comments on here.

The reality isn't what you imagine alot of the time. I would consider therapy as a general means of non judgemental support. It could help in lots of ways to manage other feelings you night not being fully conscious of. You can speak an ' ugly ' truth and work through it.

I think a lot of the commenters here are simply triggered and in denial of the fact that having only boys is genuinely a bit shit. Comparatively, it's probably the least enjoyable parenting experience out of all gender combinations. So OP isn't entirely unreasonable to be sad.

It's not that deep either. The everyday life of parenting boys is simply more exhausting, boisterous and less stimulating compared to girls. Boys clothes are ugly and generic, you get them dressed by choosing between shades of green, blue, grey and beige with Spiderman or Dinosaurs. It's very difficult to be genuinely excited about boys interests like cars, trucks, diggers etc. You will spend a huge amount of time standing around a football pitch or washing muddy clothes. You will always be buying and cooking mountains of food that never feel like it's enough.

I don't see why OP needs to be labelled clinically depressed because she correctly stated that she's mourning what could have been a life with a girl. Being able to dress your daughter in cute outfits, brushing and styling a little girls hair, painting nails, shopping, baking, drawing or crafting together. Those activities are quite obviously more appealing to most adult women. It doesn't even have to be your own daughter. Given the choice, most activities you do with girls tend to be more fun than anything you might do with boys. So being a parent to a girl means you spend more moments where you feel personally fulfilled rather than sacrificing your time for your son doing something you don't actually enjoy.

I am a mother of sons who are married with children. I have a great relationship with my grand babies and I am not treated with contempt by my DILs, which seems to be a thing on MN

Respectfully, you just have the same weird gendered ideas as the OP. And your idea of the sort of thing that's 'obviously more appealing to most adult women' suggests you really might want to expand your world view beyond hair and nails and shopping and baking.

I think gender disappointment is a lot more common then people are willing to admit. If you're struggling absolutely get help and speak to a therapist about it. I think we all picture our lives a certain way and when they don't go as planned it can be devastating. I have 2 girls and 2 boys but I would of been upset if I never had a daughter and I know my partner would of felt the same if he didn't have a son.

You need to change your ways of thinking about the role of children before you even tackle the gender disappointment