Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

There's simply no need for it.

Did I ask for your opinion? No I didn’t. I asked others in the SAME situation as me….jog on

I was surprised to find 3 is now considered a large family and gets criticized - more so every year. I grew up as one of three - and it wasn't that unusal.

If you look at the ons stats though family sized has over the decades since I was born decreased and three kids is now much rarer - quick google tells me stats last cenus among families with dependent children, 44.3% had one child, 40.8% had two, and 14.8% had three or more. Even there three is now lumped in with larger familes.

It seems more socalially acceptable to have three if first two were same sex or if it's a blended family. I think finacial constraints limit many people - for every 2 kids born in UK a third is apparently wanted but not had - but over time as fewer kids per family are born it becomes the norm and then some people feel able to comment because how dare someone not follow the norm.

Please don't listen to these "experts" who, because they have trouble coping with one or two, amke it seem no one else should be able to either. That's a them problem and their inabilites to function.

I knew a family with seven children. They were all pretty close in age and grew up in a mid-sized house. Once grown, every child felt bad for the other five, because they "knew" they were the favorite. That house had more fun, love, laughter and yes, sometimes chaos than anyone could ever want.

It's not the number of children you have, since many only children or twosomes grow up quite disconnected and not cared for well at all.

Personally, I am thrilled for you and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Your comment? ITA.
Do better.

Seven children who felt bad for the other five? Not the other six? Or did you forget how many children they apparently have when telling your tall tale to make big families seem so happy in their house that was too small. 😂

It's not the number of children you have, since many only children or twosomes grow up quite disconnected and not cared for well at all.

Wow, I’d like to know what basis @AnnoyedAsAllHeck has for this bold claim. 😅

I know people from all family sizes - yet I've noticed no corrleation between number of siblings and how happy their childhood was - it seems more than that feeds into that determination.

DH a happy childhood only but I know a few miserable childhood onlys - same can be said for pretty much any family size.

I remember being told by a full time working couple with long commutes and weekend hobbies that we couldn't possible have time for three kids - I was SAHM and DH was working from home two days a week so no commute and our weekends happily revolved round the kids - there was more time generally to share out and frankly we both felt they got more parental time than either of us growing up. Obviously downside is less money but enough to cover needs.

OP has an enviable financial sitaution no rent/mortage and flexible working - she in a better position than most to accomodate 6 kids - and she and her DH must clearly love being parents - some of us do more than hoildays or other stuff.

People will make comments and make assumptions - in end it's really none of their business. Most people can't time wise and fiancially manage larger families it's too hard with most common set ups - but there will always be people with more resources or making different life choices - who can.

Yes it’s funny how your children’s education and healthcare are costed to you in their calculations but not the tax they end up paying, regardless of the fact that state healthcare and education were initially implemented to promote a more productive workforce 🤷🏻‍♀️ By their calculations if people stopped having children we’d be the richest country in the world in 40 years 😅
Our children don’t seem to have minded having lots of siblings, we’ve had quite big age gaps but even the two with a smaller age gap seem glad of it. Of course everyone always thinks whoever the current youngest is my favourite, it’s funny as I remember their older siblings saying the same about each of them as babies, but they all adore the current baby now too

Absolutely agree, when I look at my own, my children’s and friends families, it was never the number of siblings per se that made them happy or sad, more issues like did they have a father who abandoned them, poverty, lack of interest from a parent, bullying, abuse and their own intrinsic mental health and personality etc, in some cases having siblings aggregated the negative issue they were experiencing and in some cases the opposite was true and sometimes a combination of both in different ways.

I was being a little bit snide, and you are right, many smaller families of course also have adhd and autistic children. I just think it’s notable that the larger families always do, and that it seems to be worn as such a badge of honour. I’m a little bit of an observer here having moved from a rich part of the south east to a poorer part of the Midlands, where there are many more large blended families than there were in leafy Bucks…

Obviously if you have 6 children and 1 in 6 children are neurodivergent then that figures, same with any other condition. I’ve also known large families with children of a different mother/father and not unusual for those with the same parents to be neurodivergent but then the ones with a different father or mother couldn’t be more different and are completely fine

Why does it matter if a child has autism or ADHD.
many people with these conditions go on to live a successful life.

Both run in my family. We're fortunate in that we're all high-functioning. In my grandfather's time, his youngest brother and a couple of their cousins were simply deemed to be "shy".

FWIW, I'm an only child.

This is spooky. I am almost in the exact boat. I've been caught on contraception twice. If I'd have aborted, I'd have been judged. Kept and raising the kids and still getting judged. My older two working and moved out. My lads still in school and they're just brilliant. The teachers always comment on this. Daughter is 3 and she is a madam. But a very happy one. I'm having baby Friday.. He will be in with us but others have their own room. I too have my own small buisness and partner works full time. People who decide not to have any kids get stick. Can't win can you. 🙄

@Loudhouse6 I love the sound of your family, they are lucky to have you as parents and role models.

Leave others to their opinions and enjoy everything you are both working so hard for.

I have 7 and honestly have 0 fucks to give about anyones opinion my oldest is 22 youngest is 1 ! No one else looks after them so they don't get an opinion .

@Niftymum88Well: my situation is that I am likely on the Autistic spectrum, my son has been diagnosed with ADHD and it’s a real struggle for me some of the time. There is no point pretending neurodivergence makes no difference to a family’s dynamic - it absolutely does: massively.

I know this but it also doesn’t mean it’s negative.
having neurodivergent children doesn’t mean the other children get less attention, personally in our household it makes everyone more aware of each others feelings and everyone has more respect for each other, and they can voice their feelings without being judged or other being mean.
eg. My 18 year old is autistic she voices something she doesn’t like and everyone says ok no problem we won’t do that again, and she’s the same if one of her siblings has similar issues. Everyone views neurodivergence negatively and hard work, it’s not easy but it’s easier with a system in place.

Thats lovely 🥰 I think having siblings really helped our neurodivergent child, particularly sibling closest in age who he was able to grow up with, even now he’s grown up you can still see he relaxes and smiles when with her in a way he doesn’t with anyone else and she involves him in her hobbies and life with her partner. Is an unfortunate fact that loneliness can be a key feature of the lives of many people who are autistic, think it benefited him hugely to be part of a busy household

And what about what all those children and potential grandchikdren will contribute to the world?

What? They haven't specified how much they're paying in tax

You presume everyone raises their children to be entitled brats?

Most have? Please provide a source for that claim. MOST children receive those type of things as gifts at Xmas and birthdays, op doesn't sound like she lives an excessive lifestyle, I'm sure having their own business they can provide those things for MOST of her children.

Sorry if its already been mentioned but how do you qualify for Child Benefit and earn enough to support such a large family? I only have one child couldnt afford more, but earnings are to high for child benefit.