Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

It’s nobody’s business but yours. You are not asking the state or anybody else to support your family. You can evidently cope so I wish you the very best of luck and many congratulations!

It’s none of their business!

But those kids are going to become the taxpayers of the future. I’m one of 6 kids. Had a wonderful childhood and loved being from an unusual family. It’s made me thick-skinned in a healthy, DGAF way. My parents got criticism - the overpopulated planet etc - but brushed it off. They were educated professionals working full time and never took a penny other than the then-universal child benefit.
my siblings and I are all working and paying the higher tax rate. We didn’t even qualify for child benefit once it was means tested.

@Dahliadaily not everyone becomes a net contributor when it comes to tax

Also everyone saying we need more people as have aging population, how does that work because if everyone has more children isn’t that just kicking the can down the road as they will age and who will pay their pension?

The point I was trying to make is lots of people in this thread you included are hell bent convinced that a big family is ALWAYS a bad thing and that all or most must have felt neglected in one way or another. There are people in this thread who have came from big families and loved it. which blows the belief that parents with lots of children can’t give them a happy childhood right out the water.

I get it some people can’t manage, I now realize this is more about their insecurities as parents. I get that some are one and done or two and done or whatever the number they choose but the people here who say it’s not possible to give 6 kids what they need and you can possibly this and that are saying it because the couldn’t do. That’s fine, but some can. Some people are cut out for it others ain’t. I don’t expect everyone to live how I live or want the same in life.

Your life and situation isn’t relevant in my life either. Just because you couldn’t cope with it doesn’t mean everyone is like you. none of my children are autistic or neurodivergent and I’ve noticed in this thread that once they realised I was financially able to cope they would move on to something else. Neurodiversity, my health, one to one time, the list goes on.

point is not all children from big families have had miserable lives and this thread had shown that. Some have said they didn’t enjoy it but I know families with two or three children have terrible upbringings. I’ve seen only children claim they were miserable growing up. Do you get my point?

therefore you can’t assume my children will or are miserable

I totally get it. Some couldnt manage. But we do. And before anyone comes at me and says ‘you think you’re better than others’ etc. i don’t think that at all. Some people love being mothers and I’m one of them. Some choose a high flying career or just don’t feel like children are important in their life, that’s ok. Each to their own.

I think you are missing the point @Loudhouse6
Peopl who have less than 6 children typically 1/2/3 make their decisions based on what they want to GIVE their children not on their own needs or just managing.
They make adult decisions for the benefit of their existing children,not a symptom of poor self esteem at all

I could have that many or more but I chose not to because I wanted better than that for my children.
Not squashing 8 people in a 4 bed room house for a start!
Interesting that none,not one of your family members helps at all ?

a child doesn’t suffer because they didn’t get absolutely everything they wanted and we are more than just managing we’re thriving. A business which is doing well and has done for a long time which supports all my children. They want for nothing. Happy healthy children.

If you read some of my posts I can extend the property or sell it and move into a bigger property and mortgage free. When the time is right and the property market is better I will sell my four bed home and move into a bigger place which we already have as part of our business. That means the money from the sale of the house will be in the bank to put towards our children. Why people are so hung up on children sharing a room when they’re young is beyond me.

we have never asked for help of anyone because we don’t need help. It’s not because people don’t want to help. Me and my husband do everything. If I went to my sister now and said I need your help she would absolutely help me. I also know most people would struggle with 5 kids. We don’t like to put on people. The children are mine and my husbands responsibility and if we pawned the off on family you would have something to say about that too.

If you must know my husbands parents are divorced, had way less children than we do but were shitty parents who didn’t want to parent nevermind grandparent. If you read my other posts my dad is dead and my mother is in very poor health and is heartbroken that she can’t spend or do as much with her grandchildren as she would like. My own grandparents are dead and other family members ie aunts uncles have drifted apart when the older generations died. I know what you were trying to get at but you’re wrong. Not everyone has a village and I know if I hadn’t lost my grandparents and dad at such a young age and my mam was in better health our family would be different.

if you have a big family around you then be thankful for them cos over the past 5 years a lot of my family have died. Yet again someone wittering on thinking they know it all lol

I love being a mother but I don’t need 6 children to prove that.

And you saying none of your DC are ND, two of them are still young to be diagnosed if they are and you don’t know about your unborn one. Every time you have an additional child the odds go up

love being a mother but I don’t need 6 children to prove that

Absolutely this!
Its actually the opposite, responsible parents put their childrens needs first
Really really feel sorry for children being dragged up by selfish parents !

But in your Op you said friends and family are commenting, why if they dont get involved?
Its somewhat contradictory
I also wouldnt call it " pawned them off" because I think extended family love and care for children is important and its pretty sad that they make comments to you and dont help out with children.
Not what I wanted for mine

I don’t understand why people are being so judgmental.
theres a difference between having an opinion and being judgmental and unfortunately a lot of these comments are more judgy that opinions.

im the eldest of 7.
I never grew up with any of my siblings, mum left when I was a baby and went on to have more children and my dad had more children when I had grown up and moved out.
so I was in a single child household growing up and it was miserable.
my husband is one of 3 and grew up in a stable family.

im now 37 and we have 5 girls, 21,18, 16, 13 & 10.
my youngest is disabled. We didn’t plan on having anymore but contraception was playing havoc with my body and had to come off and fell pregnant in January, it was a shock but we decided to roll with it. Sadly we lost the baby.
our children were devastated they were no longer getting another sibling and we had gotten so use to having another we decided to try again.
I’m currently 5 weeks. My girls are so excited.

my husband works full time, I run a business from home. Same as op we don’t need to pay rent or mortgage our house is bought and paid for.

some of our children share a room, some don’t.
the older ones all have part time jobs, eldest has full time job and pays for her own car and upkeep. Second eldest goes to uni in sept, 3rd eldest wants to join the army.

we also don’t have a ‘village’, it’s just my husband and I. And quite frankly we wouldn’t have it any other way. And no our older children don’t watch or look after their siblings.
im perfectly content with being at home looking after the household and my family whilst working in my spare time.

each family is different, and instead of tearing each other down and being judgmental maybe be kinder in your words and think about what you’re saying.
you don’t have to agree but you should just be kind

I LOVE being a mother and taking care of my dc is and always has been my priority. I'm a sahm with 2 children so def don't prioritise a highflying career nor am I materialistic. I was hesitant about having a third but decided against it because that would mean that my children wouldn't have a bedroom each and I wouldn't be able to be available as much as I want to be emotionally but also for practical things like help with homework, organising playdates etc. Even if you're super woman you can not divide yourself so you can't possibly be an excellent mother to 6 children. I do believe that you're a devoted mother and that you're more energetic than most but working 30 h/week and your dh 50 h/week there is just so much time left to divide between 6.

This. I love being a mum, it's the best part of my life. I gave up work so I could be a stay at home mum until my youngest goes to school. I just couldn't bear missing out on these precious years by working and was fortunate enough to be able to live on one income for a few years.

I would love a third but wouldn't have one as that would impact the time I can give my 2, and I adore them and our time together. Splitting their time further would feel so selfish. Not to mention the cost - we probably couldn't afford as many holidays and my oldest does a very expensive sport along with 2 other clubs. When my youngest is old enough, she'll start a sport and other hobbies too, and it all adds up. Plus, with more than 2, we couldn't be in more than 2 places at once to take them to different sports/hobbies, so that would limit their opportunities too.

Obviously these opinions are not something we'd share in real life with someone having a sixth child. I'm surprised OP receives a lot of comments in real life! She obviously works hard and is devoted to her family. I wish her the best and hope they're all very happy when baby arrives, even if I think her choices are detrimental to her current children.

Absolutely. I’m delighted I chose to have a child. Parenthood has been, and still is, lovely. But I don’t need to keep having more children to keep enjoying parenthood.

It’s my brother who made the comments, the pretty vile ones anyway. But he’s married to the bottle and doesn’t even see his own kids so I know it says more about him than me. some distant family, strangers and one or two friends. That was my point why comment if they don’t get involved in our lives? They’re not looking after them, paying the bills etc so why not just shut up and mind your business?

My husband didn’t have a happy childhood and feels his family are of very little benefit to our children. I came from a big family grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. We had great get togethers through my whole childhood. I was very close to all of them. so I know how important extended family are.

However I can’t bring back the dead, I’ve lost both sets of grandparents and my dad and quite a few aunts and uncles. The aunts uncles and cousins left just drifted apart and did their own thing. Losing lots of family changes the dynamics I guess. Some traveled to the other end of the country some are abroad. Some are still close by but have their own lives. I don’t judge how they live so why judge me especially when they don’t even see my children.

Like many families the grandparents and parents are the glue that keeps everyone together and when they died it wasn’t the same.

Me and my husband have had this discussion many times. If there’s one thing that I feel my children are definitely missing out on its family. It does make me sad but there’s nothing can do about it. we’ve built our own family, and maybe one day my children will have their own children. Have lots of family gatherings again with aunts uncles and cousins, me as a grandparent. It would be nice.

But it’s ok if it doesn’t pan out like that. Will my children each have as many children as me? its unlikely. I really don’t mind how many children they decide to have. Some may decide not to have children and travel or whatever it is they want from life and I’ll support their decisions. I didn’t have children to fill a void or anything. I had children because I love being a mother and watching them flourish and develop their own interests and personalities. They’ll go out into the world and make their own lives and hopefully I’ll have done a good enough job that they’ll still want to come home from time to time and share their lives with me and their dad like I did with my parents.

and another thing I didn’t have six children to prove anything to anyone.

Thank you! People should live and let live. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m sorry to hear about your loss. We too lost a few pregnancies and my daughter nearly 19 was devastated. The younger ones didn’t really understand. We’re also the same age have no village and manage just fine. Who are people to judge, we all know our own limits. Some people are content with family and home life. Others like a high flying career and no children, I don’t judge others. I didn’t expect the tread to get so many responses. People certainly need to be kinder

This was my first and only post on mumsnet. I asked how other people in the SAME situation dealt with negativity about their families size. I didn’t ask for people’s opinions but as I’ve seen some people can’t help themselves.

Thank you to those who posted their experiences and how they dealt with it. Also thank you to those who took the time to congratulate us, and those who shared their experiences of being in a big family, good and bad.

however to the judgy and some down right rude comments you came across like a pack of vultures. Is this what mumsnet is all about? Dragging parents down? One poster should be down right ashamed, hence why their comment was removed. You proved how unkind and rude some people really are, you must have nothing better to do than criticize others. Some of you need to take a good hard look at yourselves

so many of you jumped to conclusions making assumptions without knowning a damn thing. Some twisted it and tried to make it into something it wasn’t. Make it deeper than it is.

i had all my children because I love and care for them dearly, i always wanted to be a mother over anything else. I certainly didn’t have so many children to prove a point to anyone. My children are growing up in a loving and supportive home. They want for nothing. There’s so many children in this world growing up in neglectful, unstable and abusive homes. This isn’t the case for my children.

there’s so much worse going on in the world, I don’t believe loving and raising many children is one of them, especially when you can afford them and are capable of caring for them.

ever heard live and let live? You don’t have to agree but you don’t have to be unkind or rude either. What happened to tolerance, acceptance of others lifestyles, even if it’s different from your own?

one things for sure I will be more firm in telling people to jog on, mind their own business. Tell someone when they’ve overstepped the mark regarding my choice to have another child. how many children a woman had is no one’s business but hers and her spouses and if it doesn’t effect you and those children are cared for properly then you should keep out of it.

anyway I’ll leave it at that

Congratulations. That is all.

Congratulations, I think it’s great having a big happy family. You should be proud for doing such a good job. Tell all the naysayers to mind their own business. I’m one of four and a mum of three, looking back I wished I’d had more children, I had a lovely childhood and love being a mum.

Hi lovely. Ignore the vultures,they obviously have very unhappy lives. You do what works for you and your family.Xx

But not everyone does have 6 kids, so it's an irrelevant. I'm one of 4 and only I have had kids and that only 2. Only one of mine has a child. , her partner is one of 3 and neither siblings has a child. So that's a lot of people in just a couple of families who are contributing
I know several families with 6 children who don't claim any benefits, as the children are growing up they are all in work doing jobs that benefit society
Everyone doesn't have 6 kids, many nowadays have none

I wouldn’t listen or open yourself to what other people think. I can’t imagine realistically you can give the time and attention to 6 children like you could 2 or 3 though. I guess the jump from 5 to 6 won’t make a difference to that though

Good for you I guess, OP. I saw a couple of posts earlier saying “as long as you and your husband are happy, that’s all that matters.” I would disagree and think the children’s happiness should be priority. I would like to know how your kids feel about your large family in future, and whether they would want
to have large families of their own.

I say this because I’m very close to someone with 6 siblings. She only has 1 child herself, and says she would never want to have such a big family.