Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

Congratulations on the pregnancy. Wishing you all the best.

There are always going to be people who can't mind their own business. I only had one child and people would ask "why" or "are you going to give her a sister or brother?" I found that really rude. My husband would shut them up with "One is all we wanted".

Yep, that's exactly it for me. I know a couple of people at my work with large families and I'm blown away with how they manage it. But I have never ever made a comment to them! More an internal thinking WTF??

OP don’t let it upset you, just shut it down as others have said. People’s reactions are a reflection of their own anxieties. I am happy to admit here that I struggle to cope with only two children and wouldn’t be able to parent a large family well. I reckon those people who react badly to you can’t cope with that level of awareness of their own limitations. They need to go to therapy and stop taking it out on you!

My friend is the youngest of 11 children, you've barely got started!

@Loudhouse6 you have mentioned about 5 times in this thread that your children have learned “that the world does not revolve around them” - the implication being that big families help to ensure that, ergo smaller families are more likely to mean the kid(s) are self centred.

If a single child or one of two, say, “thinks the world revolves around them”, not parenting appropriately has caused that problem. I see it all the time in middle class London - kids on a play date “boomeranging”
back to their parents, unable to manage childish disagreements independently and just generally making a nuisance of themselves when the play date was organised primarily for their enjoyment but also to afford their parents a bit of peace.

I have a single child and won’t be having any more as I have found it incredibly hard work and my son is all I could have wished for. I also want to have time for myself. My only child definitely doesn’t think the world revolves around him because our parenting style will not allow that.

Of course, you don’t want to be judged. Just take care you’re not unwittingly and implicitly judging what you think are the consequences of others’ family choices.

Your original post asked how other parents of large families cope with criticism. There will always be criticism of parents, it’s built into our societal DNA, but criticism only lands if there is a home for it to land in i.e. if the recipient of the criticism accepts it.
The instigator of the criticism is rarely criticising for the reasons they claim — they are using the criticism to the recipient to manage some pain of their own. Your brother is a good example — the criticism sounds like it is to do with the number of children you have, but in actual fact is about him: his inability to ‘keep is legs closed (whatever the male version of that particular insult would be)’ and his own feelings of being whatever the male version of s**t is. He is projecting on to you his hatred for himself, his own behaviours, and what sounds like a lack of love in his life. Because whatever anyone can say about your family size, there is clearly a lot of love in your family. Which is all that matters.
So the instigator takes the things they dislike about themselves or their lives, and use this to criticise the other person. But the other person has a choice about whether or not to accept the criticism, and to recognise that it isn’t about them. I suspect (but cannot tell) that your brother doesn’t criticise your husband not because he is a man but because your husband doesn’t allow it to land. So your brother can’t get rid of his hatred for himself that way. With you, it lands, so temporarily your brother can feel better while you feel worse.
Lots of people on here have said to shrug it off — to not allow it to land. It’s hard to do, but ultimately the best thing to do. It involves recognising your own worth, your own efficacy and your own value. And looking your brother in the eye and saying ‘I have a great family, thanks’ and walking away.
I might also suggest, tentatively, that the reason your family works so well, and possibly even the reason many here are criticising you and claiming it can’t work as well as you ‘claim’ is because you and your husband are equal partners. Many, many — too many — marriages rely on the mental load of one, usually the mother, who does the mental organising. The husband’s refrain is always ‘how can I help / what can I do’. That sort of set up can’t manage more than a couple of children. Your sort can.
But that’s just my humble opinion and I could well be completely wrong of course.

I think this nails it
Outside family/ friends can see the effects on the children and the parents are blind to it
Also the comnents are always its fun, chaos, so much love etc but the reality is miserable particularly if you are an introverted child.

Very very few larger families have the whole huge family jolly gathering people talk about, its usually extremely toxic and enmeshed which is how they end up with so many kids, usually the mother is chasing fulfillment of her own childhood neglect via babies.
Its always minimised into they are no more costly than 2 or they all get so much time attention and my favourite , they are not spoilt brats like 2 parent families
The reality is , its 3 times the cost to feed, clothe and bring up 6 vs 2 , ludicrous to say otherwise and so something has to give.

Nothing to do with my childhood love I had a great family and parents I just juggle double the amount of children my mother did. It really isn’t as deep as you people think it is

Yes I have come to understand he puts his own hatred on to me. He isn’t happy in his life so tries to drag me down. It still upsetting but this post has shown me to tell people to mind their own. People in life and on this thread make so many assumptions like I had a bad childhood so I must be chasing something by having so many children or my children must be neglected etc but none of it holds true.

you are correct in thinking me and my husband are equal partners. The mental load is split equally. I don’t have to tell him what to do and where to find things. He just does what needs to be done and I’m the same. I know that’s probably hard to believe to some as like you said the mental load and the physical demands of children are usually left to the mother but in our case it isn’t. I’ve always said it wouldn’t have worked with even two or three children if he didn’t step up. Some men have the attitude of I work my job is done but he knows for us to make work, kids and home run well he has to play and equal part.

This.

OP, I'm very similar, I've got 6, DH and I are both higher rate tax earners.

You need to stop giving a damn about what other people think. When I get a comment I just shut it down with how lucky I am and move on. Rapidly.

How did they feel being in such a large family?

It sounds as if you married the right person for this lifestyle and I think that is critical I didn’t have as many children as you did but I get the impression that my children’s father would’ve been very happy with one
As a child, he was putting in a vase and kept in the library and I think that was how he envisaged parenting working out for him as well
We are no longer together he barely sees the children and he has a dog and I believe he’s very happy

And I get it. It’s like wow how do they do it but it’s being a gradual process over 20 years well 10 actually as my first was an only child for a long time but we’ve been really good at adapting and it’s true what they say that the younger ones kinda just fit right in. I struggled more to transition between 1 to 2 children than I did 4 to 5

We’ve decided to do the same as you did this time. Tell a few close relatives and leave it at that but this thread has shown me that if I do receive any negativity just to shut it down right away. They’re not the ones who have to do the hard work or pay for them so it shouldn’t matter to them. Congratulations on baby no6.

I’m blessed that we’ve not had to use much in the way of health care and three of your children are already contributing to society, I’ve realised you can’t win no matter what so I say stuff them. Do you mind me asking how your children felt having lots of siblings?

I did explain in the first post that we were financially able but people refused to believe it. This is why people shouldn’t assume.

some on this thread don’t think my house is big enough and are hung up on the fact that two share a room 🤷🏼‍♀️

We manage fine and are able to put a couple hundred into savings most months. We will have a couple of family days out each month as well as the activities they choose to do weekly some can be expensive and some cost us next to nothing and I don’t have rent or mortgage. I budget for food really well but it has obviously increased in recent times due to what’s going on in the world but we also don’t have takeaways very often. it’s rare and not a bad thing I don’t think either as it’s not the best food to feeding children.

I save all year round for Xmas and birthdays and they get a fair amount then but throughout the year they don’t have stuff bought for them like some children do. I literally split my money every month into categories. It’s called budget binding/cash stuffing. It’s a tool whereby I put so much into each category/pouch every month birthdays, school, food, children, Christmas car etc. now some of these will build up every month and come Christmas or birthdays I don’t have to panic about finding the money that month because I’ve basically being saving all year round in manageable amounts. I know this strategy doesn’t work for everyone but it’s how I’ve managed my finances for years and I know many others who do it as well.

I also have a financial planner that I do at the beginning of every month so we can see exactly where and what we are spending and can make changes according and as I’ve said before I spend very little on myself I’m not bothered about designer labels or having my nails and lashes done.

Some people like to treat themselves and I’ve nothing against that at all but some of these things take up a lot of budget. If I had my hair and nails and lashes done and bought lots of designer labels along with takeaways we wouldn’t be able to do activities and days out with our children and I would struggle more to save up for a holiday. It’s all about what you prioritize in your life. Each to their own

I think it’s been absolutely key it wouldn’t have worked otherwise. He plays an equal roll. Extremely hands on and takes full responsibility as do I.

@Loudhouse6you're asking how other posters’ friends/acquaintances feel being in such a big family.

This is the individual bit people have been speaking about: how they feel depends on how their parents parented - but a big part of it will be what their personalities are like.

I am an introvert (likely autistic - seeking diagnosis) and all that noise and chaos and difficulty having time to myself would have driven me batshit crazy as a kid.

I also found comedian Harry Hill’s Desert Island Discs enlightening: he was in a big blended family and it sounded like he bloody hated it (tho he played it down a bit).

It depends on the personality. I mean, in one sense, it doesn’t matter how other people found it, does it? You’re going to have 6 kids, that’s that - it’s not as though, if one of those kids found it difficult or didn’t really like it, your decision making would change, is it?

If DH works 50 hours and you claim child benefit, you are not paying more tax and NI than “most”; DH’s wage is probably above average, but whilst being a net contributor individually, as a family you are definitely net-recipients (as are we, with DH earning considerably more). Your DH is effectively earning less than minimum wage.

We have five children,I and my husband both work,great kids,always polite,two at uni now.people have always commented,haven’t you got a telly,as though i haven’t heard it a million times.i have always ignored them.even my own father said after two,to go and get your tubes tied.you both work,and earn the money ,you do want you wish and ignore them.Congratulations xx

Oldest of 8 here. Large families can be great but have their downside too (especially on the oldest!)
But then you could say the same about only children. The thing is, the birthrate is plummeting everywhere at the same time as old people are stubbornly resisting death. Someone has to do it! I'm not sure that the myth of large families produced by dead beat parents is entirely accurate. The birthrate is currently 1.41 (2024) so it simply can't be true. In any case, ALL children should be supported by ALL of us because, regardless of how saintly or shit the parents be, not a single one of those children had a choice in the matter but every single one of them represents our future. That is a fact of nature.
I say to OP, good luck with your kids, be happy. I stopped at 2, which I found quite trying enough 😂 & neither of them have any so I'm never going to be a granny but I'm not bothered about that.

This is a particularly invidious way of looking at things. If you insist on boiling it down to financials, there is a high chance this family will be net contributors over the course of their lifetime.
This is why the west needs women to have babies. The demographic decline in countries such as Italy and France, and to a certain extent UK, mean that the tax burden of an aging population falls disproportionately on younger taxpayers and there are fewer of them. Many southern European countries either need to birth more taxpayers or import them in the form of immigrants.
The Taxpayers Alliance has calculated that the average UK family are tax millionaires (I.e. they will pay £1m in combined taxes over their lifetime). Assuming this family does not claim state benefits, and pay average tax, they could contribute around £2m. This will make them net contributors.
However, this family run their own business so they are most likely paying considerably more in tax than most families. I run my own business and in terms of VAT, NICs and corporation tax I pay in excess of £120k a year in tax and that’s before you consider my personal tax, the tax paid by my seven employees and the tax paid by freelance or retainer workers. If I hadn’t set up a business none of this tax would be paid.
OP, in purely economic terms (I’m not talking environmental or other issues, as the PP had focused on economics) the demographic problem the West faces is too few babies not too many.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you are happy and your children are happy and you are net contributors as you imply, nobody has a right to criticise you. Babies tend to bring joy to a lot of people. I hope it goes well.

(edited for sp)

What @pugglywugglysaid. After reading various parenting books on attachment parenting I was convinced that a child really needs a mum's attention for the first 3-4 years. I left four years between kids and stopped at two because I wanted to build a good strong bond with each and give them my full attention when they need it. Personally I feel sorry for middle kids in big families that sort of float between siblings