Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

The money is tied up in the business land and property. I still take a small wage compared to most people. We keep as much in the business as possible as I explained. The housing costs aren’t massively high as we don’t live in an expensive area of the country. I can’t access any of that money u less I close the business down. And like I said my dad taught me to spend wisely. When I had my first child at 18 me and my husband didn’t work for my dad and lived off very little money and rented a council flat ourselves, this is where I learnt to manage my finances. I knew if I got in trouble financially he would have bailed me out but he never had to. He always made it clear that as long as he could see we were working hard he would be happy to help us and years down the line he offered me to join the family business. It was earned not given. Both my siblings had the opportunity to inherit the business before me as they were older but they never showed enough interest and commitment

my dad made me work hard for where we are today. Also a lot of people don’t know my circumstances other than family. I guess that’s why so many people have so many opinions as I’ve never let my circumstances be known and as people said on here I shouldn’t have to explain myself. People should just not judge because you really don’t know people’s lives

A few people on here seemed to begrudge people accessing public services. Explaining the costs of schooling and health care but as I explained my children will one day pay into the same system too and becoming functioning members of society

as a family we have some great times together. I know to some it’s all work and no play but it isn’t. Having a big family has been enjoyable and rewarding and yes hardwork at times but we knew that from the start

I’d just tell good friends in person but otherwise wait until after the birth to announce your new arrival.Thats what we did last time, more due to our ages and just felt like such a miracle that we’d end up with a baby. I had my 6th last year and did that, a couple of older family members were a bit ambivalent as think maybe they come from the generation that associates having a big family with negative things. However everyone else seemed genuinely really happy for us. To be honest had far more negativity having my 2nd and 3rd as a young mother. A few of the mother’s my age just said they couldn’t imagine going through it all again at our age 😅 I live in an area where it’s not uncommon to have 3-4 children, after the 5th everyone seems to expect you’re just going to keep going and going anyway 😂

I’d judge you on the basis that I don’t believe anyone can adequately care for the emotional needs of that many children, regardless of anything else.

Even if you were a stay at home parent with a millionaire spouse. You’re stretched too thinly. Plus your older child is still your child, even if they are legally an adult now.

Such views make me laugh considering I’ve got 3 grown up children who pay a shed load of tax, 2 who work in public services and 1 in manufacturing and then 3 children at school, as for healthcare, probably have used far less (so far 🙏 )than many with 1-2 children

before my dad sadly passed away he bought my family home. I have no mortgage or rent to pay. This makes a huge difference financially.

Well that was an enormous drip feed right there.

You do know that a two working parents can earn nearly 120k between them and still get child benefit. If you can’t raise a family of 8 on that amount of money there is something sadly wrong with your ability to manage your finances.

It’s a doddle if you have a big enough house and no rent or mortgage to pay!!! 😂

How lovely OP. I genuinely wish you all the best and ignore the miserable fuckers who are down on you about this.

I had three and got asked why I had such a big family. Then I went to Africa and was asked why I had such a small family.

No pleasing anyone.

But that’s not OPs problem is it. That’s a government decision to make healthcare and education free so address it with your MP.

Not really I don’t get any maternity. By law I have to take two weeks off. But I was back to work two weeks later. My husband kept everything running while I was off and like I said we have a couple of employees and I could do paperwork side of things at home when my children were in bed. My husband didn’t get any paternity leave but that was discussed and we knew that prior to having our last child and it will be the same for this one. Prior to that my dad was still with us and covered for us to give my husband a week of and me three months off.

Congratulations OP, how wonderful for you all. Maybe hold off sharing your news for a bit and then I would personally shut the criticism down very quickly. Your body and your choice.

A little sad that society in general now frown upon bigger families, personally I loved having children and would have had more (I have 4) had circumstances been different. I think it's wonderful that you want a big family and don't let anyone tell you anything different! There's nothing nicer than a busy household full of laughter (most of the time, right!? 😉)
Best wishes to you all

Those factors did influence family size, no doubt. But many parents also wanted large families. For many reasons. I loved having 4 kids and I'd do it again in a second.

My husband and I have 5 children 4-14 together. It always interests me to read these kinds of threads because I love to know what people really think of us.

I have 5 and I found myself judging when you said you live in a 4 bed semi. If I had to justify my family and our circumstances to Mumsnet, you would probably find yourself judging me too. You can't win. You do not have to prove yourself to strangers on the internet, mums in the playground or extended family.

We need children to be born to look after us all when we're retired and old -- population decline is an issue in the west far more than over population at the moment. Considering the decline in the birth rate, OP is doing us all a favour. I'm a bit surprised about the shock on this thread. I'd consider 5-6 children a big family but not a strangely big family (and you only have 5 under 18s). My nana was one of 12 and her father died when she was 6 months old. She looked back at her childhood fondly and was a great, well balanced person. Were obsessed as a society with small families and financial privilege (child per bedroom, foreign holidays). I don't think this is what makes a happy or unhappy childhood.

Oh dear….. unlike some who from one generation to the next claim benefits, their offspring will learn the importance of having a good work ethic and will contribute to society.
i had 4 and all work hard, all had part time jobs when they were 16 years old, even when at uni.
This is what society needs.

Such a large family would not be my thing but you obviously want a large family OP, you both work and look after your children so it's up to you how many children you have.
Anyone making rude remarks you can always say that you are having children to ensure that they are enough people to pay into the system to provide for future pension.

£120,000 seems a lot but after tax and Nic it isn’t huge even with the child benefit etc. Even with no mortgage and some savings it doesn’t leave a lot of room for fun stuff never mind the extras already being provided. I still have reservations about the finances in this set up but maybe I am just really bad at budgeting and managing my money.

Enjoy your growing family and ignore the haters. It would be a tragedy to allow them to steal your joy.

I think that you’re bonkers , but that’s because I’ve never really been keen on babies. I did have 3 though so ignore me 😂.

Sounds like you have a great family life, absolutely nobody’s business but yours so shut down any comments before people have a chance. On the opposite end we only had one child due to several miscarriages and people loved to comment you can’t just have one, without knowing what we had been through.

Oh for goodness sake. There is a reason children are provided with an education! Educated, loved, supported children tend to end up working and paying taxes for years and years! In fact, it is the working section of the public who are keeping elderly people supported!

Soontobe60 · Yesterday 12:15
It costs around £73000 to educate a child in the uk from 3 - 18, so unless all your DCs are privately schooled, it’s costing the State just short of half a million £ for your family. An average family with just below 2 children costs £146000.
A standard pregnancy and delivery costs around £4K per baby, so your family will cost the State £24k unless you opted out of NHS care.
That’s a huge difference. it’s disingenuous to say ‘our family doesn't cost the State anything as we don’t claim benefits’.

Absolute nonsense. Are you really serious? 24k?? For 6 future taxpayers who will keep you in pension and health care in future years? That's absolute peanuts as an national investment. The parents sound well-grounded and sensible in their approach. DS has 5 DC - beautiful, healthy, intelligent kids who will be a huge future asset to the country.

I only have one and someone once told me it was more of a hobby not serious parenting with just one.

Doesn't matter if you have anywhere between 0 and 20 someone will have an opinion about it.

Just to say, most people aren’t.

People will complain if you have no children and if you do have children or not the right amount according to them. Ignore them, live your life and be happy. Remind them of their rudeness.