Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

You’ll only have your joy spoiled if you leave the conversation open to it. Shut it down straight away.

People tend to judge big families usually when they need a lot of support, because to be fair if you need that much support why would anyone keep adding babies to it? That’s not your case at all.

I wouldn’t judge you at all - sounds like all the kids are well looked after and you’re financially stable. I think it’s the families who churn out loads of kids and don’t parent very well and sponge off the government that get people’s goat.

I guess I'd wonder what another baby could add that the ones you already have don't offer. It feels indulgent and at the expense of the existing children's needs - you're working, and there are only so many hours in the day. It's just not possible to have quality time with all of them, even if you think you're managing. I wouldn't say that to you, but as you're asking, those would be my thoughts. I wouldn't be super excited about another baby coming if you told me in real life.

What do you say back to them. Might be helpful to have some stander quips to knock it on its head once and for all.

If you do something unusual, as voluntarily having six children over a 20 year period in a time of freely available contraception is, you will need to be a lot less thin-skinned about it.

If you're happy with your decisions, then what does anyone else's judgement matter? Absolutely people will have negative options of this, but you do you.

You sound like an amazing pair of parents who take personal responsibility. What exactly do they say? I can’t see their problem.

Fuck them OP seriously. Shut it down immediately it’s no one’s business but your own. You sound amazing btw.

It costs around £73000 to educate a child in the uk from 3 - 18, so unless all your DCs are privately schooled, it’s costing the State just short of half a million £ for your family. An average family with just below 2 children costs £146000.
A standard pregnancy and delivery costs around £4K per baby, so your family will cost the State £24k unless you opted out of NHS care.
That’s a huge difference. it’s disingenuous to say ‘our family doesn't cost the State anything as we don’t claim benefits’.
I’m one of 5 children - I loathed being a child in such a big family.

I have 6 children 36 33 34 31 26 24 and like u we married young I was 19 having my first and we have been married 35 years . I get comments all the time peaple saying do they have the same dad . Ummm yes they do . U sound very happy and organised and don’t worry about anyone and Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You get judged whatever you do - I have been criticised for being childfree. If you and your husband are happy, that's all that matters. Just ignore the comments - it's none of their business - and maybe spend less time with these people!

I suppose people will judge because it seems selfish more than anything. Why have 6 children? A friend of mine is one of 7 and he didn't have much fun growing up, and he's not much in touch with family now. His parents probably say differently.

So what? We need children to be born to keep society going. The birth rate is falling so this family isn’t doing any harm.

It doesn’t mean OPs kids are in that situation, or that you need to judge. Plenty of people love being from big families, it depends on the individuals.

We both pay high amounts of national insurance contributions and income tax. Our business also pays large amounts in coperation tax and vat each year. Which funds public services and infrastructure. We contribute more than most I can assure you.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

How? DH and I had a business which was incredibly flexible for both of us (consulting) when we had DD, and we worked with global clients so not fixed 9-5, and it was a challenge for us to both be full time with one child. So I find it hard to believe that you are both working full time within school hours and school holidays with no childcare? What sort of work facilitates this and funds a family of 8 with no handouts? (Assuming you don’t claim any funded childcare for your 2 year old, no child benefit, universal credit, free school meals or uniforms etc.)

So what? Everyone and their dog is panicking about falling birth rates. If OP and her husband are raising happy kids who will grow up to contribute to society in their own way, surely that is a positive thing?

I would never say anything negative but I would sure think it. I have 2 children. The time, energy and money they need is so much more than I ever anticipated and I feel constantly split in 2. One is always being compromised for the other. Add in work and I personally feel like I give nothing in my life 100%.
I was also a child in a large family and I always felt it. The noise. The chaos. The stress. Tbh there are times when I feel 2 children is 1 too many.

Me and my husband run a mot/repair garage. We have a couple of employees. He works around 50 hours a week and I work 30hrs. I also do overtime to catch up on paperwork etc at home. we do not have childcare and claim only child benefit not universal credit. In the past we used private childcare part time and paid for it ourselves. We get no help with uniforms etc and I save for everything we own. We don’t spend lavishly and we don’t smoke or drink alcohol. We don’t have loans or credit card debt. Sometimes we have to take our children to work for short periods of time when we swap over but generally if I’m at work he’s picking up the kids and taking them home and collecting me later and vice versa. It’s hardwork but we’ve done it for a long time.

We definitely don’t depend on others for support. It’s hard work but we’re used to it. I do need to be more firm and shut it down immediately

I take my hat off to you @Loudhouse6 I could barely manage two and my only regret is not having been brave enough to have a third.

Have as many babies as you want, and can afford. Your festive seasons are going to be filled with so much love and laughter over the rest of your life. Don’t let other peoples misery rain on your parade. It usually comes from a place of jealousy (whether that’s about your business success or family success, perhaps only you can guess). Congratulations!

If you don't want criticism and judgement on this, I'd advise not starting a thread about it on here. You will get some kindred spirits who give helpful support but there's going to be more people who think 6 kids is too many in any scenario. Even the royal family stop at fewer than that these days. If it's what you want, go for it and enjoy your big happy family, but if you don't want your joy spoiling, there's no particular need to have others endorse your ongoing procreation.

Do the grandparents maybe disapprove because they would like to treat the grandchildren but can't because there are too many to afford and treat fairly and they feel a little exasperated?(if they are the ones disapproving?) What's the gift giving situation re Christmas and birthdays?

As you’re claiming child benefit, you can’t be earning that much to support 6 children and 2 adults.

If your children are well fed, clothed, cared for and loved then there is nothing for anyone to criticise. They are the lucky ones.