Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

I suppose that’s the thing. You are willing for your children to have a life of scrimping, hand me downs etc because you want a lot of children, when you could have less and actually give them a nicer life with more things and more attention etc. It is all fine now when they’re young, but wait til you have multiple teens and want more time, more things, their own space etc and they realise you have spread yourself and your resources too thinly. People judge because they see the selfishness. It’s your choice to make though, but if you ask on here, some people will tell you that. Thats if this post isn’t just rage bait.

Who cares what people think? I would love to have six children, my response would be to congratulate you.

I’m sorry you’re on the receiving end of shitty comments.

People are going to think what they’re going to think.

If I’m honest, I reflexively find big families a bit weird, for 2 reasons:

1. I cannot fathom how I’d personally cope with 6 children, and I lack the imagination to be able to envision how this could be anything but a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. 🤣 When people talk about having lots of children, I have a similar visceral reaction to what I’d have if someone told me they enjoyed skydiving or tightrope walking between skyscrapers.
2. the big families I’ve known have either been very in-your-face fundamentalist Christian, or kind of peculiar and obsessive. I knew a family with 12 kids, and it was like having children was some kind of unstoppable compulsion for the parents, which felt weird and intense to be around - although even in that case all the kids were lovely and turned out well and have been happy & successful

But whatever my knee jerk reaction to bigger families, it’s absolutely none of my business what other families do, and I’d never dream of making shitty comments to anyone.

I only have one child and occasionally get shit about that - again because of people’s assumptions and associations.

Before I had children I would get shit about being a selfish childless old hag.

I have an autistic child and I get shit about that - either I’ve ‘caused’ it through bad parenting or I’m making it up to get attention.

Women who have all sons, or all daughters get shit for it.

Women just get a lot of shit and judgement no matter what. I bet people aren’t making so many shitty comments to your husband.

If you’re happy with your lives don’t give these people any headspace.

Absolutely ignore it. If you are not taking any benefits, don’t require any ‘it takes a village’/babysitting and are not overcrowded, then absolutely ignore anyone who is negative.

OP: we are expecting baby no 6
Other person: <insert judgy opinion/comment >
OP: sorry you feel that way. We are absolutely thrilled to be welcoming this baby into our family and could not be happier

End of conversation

We’re not scrimping I just don’t believe in spoiling my kids rotting. My first was an only child for over ten years and she got everything and it did her no favours. She turned spoilt and unpleasant and became demanding. My other children appreciate a lot more than she ever did and they still get a decent amount at Christmas and birthdays. I just don’t got ridiculously overboard

not all their clothes are handed down but why throw or give away good clothes if their still on good condition and can be used?

they have swimming and football and boxing and days out every month. It all costs money. We as husband and wife just don’t spend on ourselves really. It goes to the kids

I was brought up in a large happy family. My mother was
one of 6 children to a professional couple. They all went on to have careers & married well. Its a myth to say all large families are worse off regarding attention etc. My fondest memories are having loads of fun filled gatherings at my grandparents home with aunties & uncles all with children who although cousins were more like brothers & sisters. You are blessed OP. Please don't take any notice of those who think otherwise.

I have 6 dc. They range from 11 to 36.

I've been married twice.
Older dc are now 36 & 34.

Then met my 2nd husband and had 4 more dc, now 24, 21, 17 and 11.

In my family, everyone only has 1 or 2 dc. None of my friends have big families and people are either fascinated or horrified when I share how many dc I have.

Personally, I think its a combination of all the reasons mentioned in this thread as why people disapprove of large families
But the bottom line is, theres little 'value,' in children in the UK. Being a parent isn't perceived as a positive. Only a negative, a drain on resources and services.

My older 4 dc are all very successful, professionals, etc. 17 yr old heading to uni in September.

I didn't share my 6th pregnancy until I was 20 weeks. That was my choice and I didn't engage in negative conversations with anyone, regardless if that person was my mother, friend or sister.

BUT

With hindsight I reslise, I was very selfish to have 6dc.
Unfortunately, my 20 year relationship broke down due to various reasons when my youngest was only 4.
Our lives changed dramatically.
By deciding to have such a large family, i made myself very vulnerable.

Since we split, I am solely responsible for absolutely everything for all the dc. Financially etc. Exdh has never paid maintenance or even seen the dc regularly.

Ultimately, this is your life so do what you want to do and don't let other people's (even family) views impact on you.

Take care.

It will be interesting to see what your children say, as adults, what they thought of being in a family of 6 children. Also whether they choose to have that many themselves.

👏

I'm the eldest of five, and I certainly don't think my parents should have had anywhere near that number of children. They have no idea to this day that they were very poor parents, who, because of their own dysfunctional upbringings, had no idea that more was needed for children other than basic clothes, food and shelter. That their idea of what was 'enough' just wasn't, anywhere near enough. And we were nowhere near the largest family. I had classmates with ten siblings. DH is the youngest of seven. MIL is the eldest of 13.

But my parents and DH's parents had their children in the semi-theocracy that was 1960s/1970s Ireland, where contraception was illegal and later difficult to access.

It's absolutely baffling to me that someone who has the means to reliably prevent pregnancy would simply go on and on having children in the full knowledge that they are making the lives of their existing children less and less good. It's breathtakingly selfish.

But I wouldn't be telling you any of this. The children already exist and you're clearly already pregnant with your sixth, so what's the point? But, as you are clearly aware, not everyone keeps schtum.

Presuming you don’t have a 7 bedroom house, where do they/will they all sleep? Does oldest have own room because of the age gap and the rest share?

People judge. If I’m happy with my decisions, I don’t care what others think.

There are pros and cons of having a large family and people have their own opinions about what they are. But, its a personal decision/choice something only your opinion about matters.
I personally wouldnt choose to have 6 children because of the risks and wear and tear on the female body of multiple pregnancies, births. Also i would know the energy,time and financial support i could give my children would be spread more thinly . On balance ,i wouldn't make that choice for me and my family, but i dont think others should agree with me for them and their family and woudn't judge them their decision.
What derogatory thing did your brother say and what was your response?

It’s not impossible. This is how a typical day goes. My husband gets up at 5.30am and opens the garage. I get up around 6.30am do a bit of housework before getting the kids off to school.
He’s running the business along with a couple of our employees while I’m at home with our two year old or vice versa. Later in the we’ll head to work with the toddler and swap over. I’ll lock the business up at closing. sometimes we’ve both done full days and one of us has a day off. We work it around us as a family.

But the business is always closed so that we can sit down as a family and have dinner together every night. Saturdays we close early and can do activities and we are closed Sundays so we make the most of that.

We hadn’t had a proper holiday for a long time as we were establishing our business but this year my sister has kindly said she would step in so we can have a week away with our children and she’s said she’s happy to do that for us from now on.

it is entirely possible, my husband is a grafter and so am I. We’ve been doing it a long time even when I was caring for my dad with terminal illness. Me and my husband work as a great team.

Each to their own. I personally couldn’t imagine having 6 kids and would (privately) think you’re a bit insane.

We need future taxpayers though, and if your kids are happy and well cared for and you aren’t claiming a fortune in benefits then how many children you have is your own concern.

Yes, and then the children grow up and become net contributors to society. It makes no difference to the algorithm (cost of education and health care of children vs gain from taxes when the children become adults) whether those children are singletons or from a large family provided they become functional members of society.

I'm sure low-level hostility towards families (children cost the state money) can't be helping with the current problems with falling fertility.

6 kids is a lot! I would wonder why you wanted so many and what your current children aren’t giving you that you seem to need by having another.
That said if you can support them yourself then fair play.

the only people I know who have that many are either not working, or on minimum wage jobs with lots of government top ups. One had 5 girls then a boy, then another baby to try and give the boy a brother (which worked out for them).

im one of 5 and i feel i missed out on being able to have hobbies as logistically my parents couldn’t make it work so I had to give up and was doing a sport to a high level.

We have a four bed semi detached house that can be made into five bedrooms. Yes my oldest who is nearly 19 has her own room and always has done. Then the 7 and 8 year old share a double bedroom, the five year old is in a double room on their own at the moment and the 2 year old is still in with us at the moment but they could go into the double room with my five year old until we extend it to five bedrooms. The 7 and 8 year old did not want to be separated and asked to share a room. A lot of the time I find the five year old has climbed into bed with their older siblings

How do you plan to pay for potentially three children at university at the same time?

I would feel bad for the older ones, do they have to help out a lot? Do the kids honestly individually get the time they need with you both? I find it hard doing that with two!

My brother and SIL have six and we have three. My brother and I are 2/6, so he didn’t face any judgement from my family. My parents kind of see it as a good thing that he was so keen to have kids because you hear a lot about kids who had to look after their siblings being “parentified” and never wanting their own kids - so they see it as a sign they’ve done well. My SILs family on the other hand are very judgemental, they have actually made comments to me when I was pregnant with my third (and last).

It’s different because I only have three, but a lot of the criticism I’ve got has been weird fake concern about how I’ve “missed out” on my 20s because I was pregnant so much…. First of all, I partied hard as a teenager, so I had already done all the fun things by 20. Secondly it’s not like I was halled up at gunpoint and forced to have them, it was my choice. Third and final point is by the time we’re in our 50s they should all be out in the world and we will be free to “change the locks and party on” as DH says.

People will judge women with no kids, women with one kid, women with lots of kids.. the weirdest comments I got were along the lines of “oh you’ve got a boy and a girl why are you having another?” To me that’s so weird… I would have had three even if they were all the same sex, it’s not like we were out to collect both a boy and a girl? It’s like the only safe and acceptable thing to do as a woman is have two kids, one boy and one girl.

When I was little my parents struggled financially and we definitely had some hard times. I wouldn’t have traded having less siblings to have more material possessions though. Being part of a large and happy family for me was the best gift in the world and as long as you love your kids and provide them with a safe and loving home, that’s all you need to do. :)

I dont entirely disagree. Except you’re assuming all babies will grow up to be productive members of society and never need state benefits.

I'm going to say to you what I always say to people with large families: I was one of four children and I love being part of a big family.

If people are rude about it just shut them down with a positive statement, don't feel like you have to justify yourself. Just say 'we're very happy with the size of our family, thanks' and nothing more, if they persist repeat 'as I said, we're very happy with the size of our family' and if they still persist say 'oh, I think I see Aunty Jean, excuse me, I must go and speak to her' and walk away. You've been polite but have made it clear the topic is not up for discussion.

Not to mention the impact on the environment...

Like other posters, I just don't see what six kids gives you that three don't....

And what do three give you that two don’t?