Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

How much individual time do you give to each child? What do you do in the school holidays if you don't use childcare?

If you say you earn a lot how will you cope financing university fees?

Pretty sure they are not costing the state as much as the dole dossers who pump out baby after baby after baby and expect the state to provide. Social housing, rent paid, a cart load of child benefit, Universal credit, free breakfast club, free school meals. Unless of course the father(s) are multi millionaires which is highly unlikely

Ridiculous comment. We don't have kids. If the OP is happy and not relying on benefits she should not judged for having as many kids as she wants. Don't you pay attention to current affairs? The UK birth rate is too low. Kids are needed to pay your state pension.

If you read the original post I explained my oldest doesn’t help at all. She’s nearly 19 and works part time as well as full time college. She will be leaving college soon to go into the profession she’s qualified in. She does not look after any of her siblings.

The 8,7,5 year old don’t help in anyway with the two year old. I don’t ask anything of them, they go to football practice, boxing and swimming as well as play dates with friends. They are children who deserve childhoods not responsibility of other siblings.

Me and my husband do all the childcare, they are our responsibly and we don’t expect anyone to care for them siblings friends or family. I’m very strict about that.

We pay a babysitter maybe one or twice a year usually so we can go out for a meal for our anniversary or something extra special and that’s it.

Agree 100%. Sahm with 2 children and I still sometimes feel I'm not enough for my 2 children. DS2 has a friend with 3 siblings who seem to be a succesful family; both work ft - mum consultant so much work from home. The boy is very miserable with all the noise and never getting a parent to himself. He feels emotionally neglected even though they have everything financially. I told him to talk to his mum about his feelings but he said she always says that he's lucky to have a big family although he doesn't feel lucky at all.
With 2 children each have their room and me and dh do have the time to have 1:1 time with both. Even with 3 it would be complicated. I do think it's selfish to have many children unless you are so rich that both parents can afford not to work and you outsource cleaning etc. I think the OP is delusional thinking that she and her dh working ft can fulfill all the needs of her children. I would like to hear their story when they are adults.

The children all get a few hours each week individually through doing activities together plus family time at weekends as a whole family. My 18 year old is still very much part of our family and even gets a little jealous if we have a day out without her when she’s got work. Which tells me she loves spending time with us and her much younger siblings. As for university my daughter doesn’t want to go and I put money away each month into a savings account as well as a private pension

I think you have to look at over a lifetime how much each individual brings in. Ie a child might have £73k of state education £100k healthcare (including their own birth etc) but then contribute about £300k from taxes throughout their lifetime, so be net positive.

I don't think you can put the expense of the schooling, healthcare etc just on their two parents, that doesn't make sense - as these kids will also (likely) contribute to the state and pay taxes for decades and decades of their lives.

A close friend of mine comes from a large family of seven siblings. She hated it - felt completely invisible and emotional needs often weren't met. Just remembers her mum as always having a baby or toddler hanging off her.

When people have loads of kids it feels like it's for the adults' benefit, like they're collecting them or something. 'Children' are sort of abstract concepts rather than unique individuals with real needs.

So then who is going to pay their state pension? More kids?

Do you not see the eventual problem with this?

So? Almost all of us will end up costing the state something in the course of our lives just by existing. Some will cost extra if they have particular health needs, or SEN, or need social care for example. Most people also put something back in the jobs they do and the taxes they pay. By your logic everyone should just stop existing. And how many kids one set of parents has makes absolutely no difference. One set of parents having six kids, it’s the same as six sets of parents having one kid.

Yeah people do judge and sadly it’s often assumed that large families like yours are relying on the state, which some are and that’s annoying to many people.
It sounds like you are doing a great job and no reason why you shouldn’t have another.
But if I were you I’d be annoyed by having to justify myself to people - it’s almost like ‘ohhh- you work and support your own family and don’t rely on the state, you’re ok then…’ I myself made that very same value judgement when I read your post. I wouldn’t want to have to keep repeating it to people, so I just wouldn’t and would try to just grow a thick skin,

We faced some of that an we reluctantly stopped at 5. I think people are just surprised to see large families. It used to be the norm, but that has definitely changed.

Please stop justifying yourself. It’s no one else’s business. All you need is some advice on how to deal with some nasty comments from your family.
if you get negativity from any of them refuse to engage. If your Brother says anything say ‘I already know your opinion and it’s none of your business, it’s not up for discussion’
From other relatives just answer in short sentences and don’t enter into a conversation. You sound like a lovely happy family - I wish you health and happiness

Unfortunately asking for advice on here you’ll hear all kinds of criticism.

personally I tell people to mind their own business, it’s nothing to do with them.
as long as your kids are fed, clean, looked after and loved stuff em.

im currently 5 weeks with number 6.
i have a 21, soon to be 18, 16, 13 and 10 year old.and my youngest is disabled.
we weren’t going to have another but we caught on in January and was shocked, but we sadly lost the baby. It made us think and we decided to add one more little en the family.

im a stay at home mum, my husband works and all my children live at home.
ive found someone will always have something to say.
live your life and enjoy it x

No judgement here. You sound like fantastic parents and are working hard to support your family (I’m afraid I would be judging if not!). I’m just at a loss as to why you’d actually want more kids, but that’s your choice!

Don't be silly, the government WANTS people to have more babies. It's an investment - we need hard working people to keep the economy strong.

Congratulations!

Parents of big families often seem to over estimate how happy their children are to have a big family in order to justify having a big family. As one of seven I wouldn't have that many myself personally.

I’m a similar age to you - I am one of 8 full siblings from incredibly hardworking and loving parents. I have had a wonderful upbringing and we are a large, well adjusted and incredibly close family. I love the fact I have such a great relationship with my parents and siblings and we are very lucky that with there being so many of us we are not going to be overwhelmed with caring when the time comes. I didn’t go on to have a large family myself- maybe I was put off by the hard graft I witnessed from my own two parents. My parents had a similar set up to you - father manual and mother paperwork side. She did not do a 30 hour week and I am struggling to see how that could be possible with so many children. They often set up to 1am or later doing paperwork when the younger siblings were in bed. I don’t think you need to explain yourself to anyone else. It is irrelevant to me how many children someone else has. If I’m honest I feel a mix of envy (I think big families are great) and pity (I know it’s incredibly difficult raising children and that you will have many worries) I wish you all the best with your new baby and don’t worry what anyone else thinks. My parents are still in love, incredibly happy and spend the winter in the sun for six months every year ❤️

I vaguely know someone who has 5 or even 6 kids. They must be pretty well off as they’re all privately educated 😮

I think a largish family can be very nice if brought up in a healthy and loving dynamic. But then I was raised on The Waltons 😁

Of course I see the problem but we need more kids to work the existing system. What do you propose?

I laugh and tell them that either “ we can’t afford a TV licence” or “they need to grow up and work or WE don’t get a state pension”.
seriously, yes, some people will make comments, but if it’s right for you, then it’s right for you. Congratulations on having a lovely family!

Along with the child benefit entitlement and the environmental impacts!

So sorry you get that reaction from people, especially close family members.

Usually, families are judged when they require a lot of support from the outside. It’s not the case for you, maybe they’re just jealous?

Congratulations with a new baby on the way, I hope you’re able to push bad thoughts away and enjoy your family.

It really isn’t anyone else’s business and it would be the height of rudeness for others to let their feelings be known, unless their lives are somehow compromised by it.

I do think larger families have a bad rap because usually it seems to be blended families headed by less intelligent people who don’t parent or even feed their children properly and require large amounts of external support. You can guess who has an ADHD/autistic child and you are always right.

It would annoy me greatly to be lumped in with such families, one way to avoid it would certainly be to make it clear that it is both your husband and you who are expecting your sixth child TOGETHER. Sounds harsh, but is true.