Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

I think it’s the idea of being able to go for afternoon tea and a nice day out as adults with my daughter, as I do with my mum and sister.

I never do this with my mum, we just don't have that sort of relationship, in fact we don't get on very well at all.

I do those things with my son though.

You understand this doesn’t make sense?

Actually you probably don’t.

I will leave you to your stereotypes and emojis.

No, I'm afraid it is untrue that "girls do tend to be calmer" and "boys tend to be more energetic and girls more emotional." You're right that such stereotypes (sadly) exist but surely we shouldn't just shrug and lean into them. It's worthwhile to challenge stereotypes.

Years ago there was a regular poster on MN who had two daughters and one son. She heaped lavish praise on her daughters and very rarely even mentioned that she had a son. It was truly disturbing and I felt so sorry for that poor boy. As I said, this was years ago but I've never forgotten it. I'm sure you wouldn't express either such naked favouritism or blatant rejection of any of your children. But it can happen, unfortunately.

Indeed. My DH has taken his DM to Claridges and the Ritz for tea, went to the ballet with her when younger loads too. It’s the person you fall in love with when it’s your child. Their sex is quite irrelevant in the end.

Why are you so obsessed with stereotypes? I don’t understand? I get your original point that girls and boys can like things traditionally more linked to boys or girls. But are you honestly trying to say that boys and girls have the same amount of energy? Because if so, it’s scientifically proven that they do not. And that’s down to hormones (testosterone, estrogen etc).

Girls can just be as hard world, says a girl mum excited for her little boy to be born

I'd consider not finding out the gender if I felt like this.

Because you won't be disappointed when you actually meet your baby, even if you wanted a girl and it's a boy. But you would be disappointed with the news at a scan. Once they're here they're here and you won't be able to imagine them as anyone else.

If it’s any consolation my friend gave up on having a girl after her fifth boy. All boys are now young adults and are very close. The eldest had an accident with his girlfriend (who my friend loves) and became the dad of a little girl when he was 21. They are now expecting their second girl. So from a life of boys she now has a DIL in law, granddaughter, and another granddaughter on the way. She has the girls in her life, just in a different way.

I genuinely do. But I knew you would know what I meant and I couldn't be arsed typing out the correct phrase at the time as was dealing with toddler chaos.
Take care!

I think it is very unhealthy to desperately want a child of a particular gender.. You are putting unreasonable expectations on the child.
You state that you want a " mini me".
We are all unique. If you have a girl, she may not align with your expectations in many ways.
Please try not to be obsessed with this.
Your desire is understandable but please try to keep this in perspective.
Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy

Honestly there's no point arguing with people like this. Their condescending, holier than thou, im the final boss of the feminist world attitude is impossible to argue with so i wouldn't waste your breath.
Like you said, they are OBSESSED with stereotypes.
My boys know that women can be, and are, Engineers etc. Im teaching them housework. Etc etc.
And fucking hell id love them to be a bit more placid sometimes. Maybe il put my magical thinking hat on and it will happen.
Because of course im a fucking regressive idiot and the behaviour I observe is a construct of my own pathetic backwards mind.
Jesus wept.
Maybe some people need to spend more time away from Uni lectures and in the real world.

What has being on MN got to do with me thinking regressive stereotypes are harmful?

I've been trying to reflect on why the op has made me feel a bit sad and I realised that it's because of my mother. She was desperate for a girl after having a boy first. And she was thrilled when I came along. Except I'm like my dad and share few interests with her. She finds this heartbreaking. She referred to my brother's ex-wife as "the daughter she never had". I wasn't supposed to hear her.

It's not nice to be a disappointment to the person who should champion you the most. No I'm not implying you will do this op. I'm cautioning against entering the most important relationships of your life with preconceived notions of who other people should be.

I'm having boy #2 and also probably my last. I've had gender disappointment both times and I'm very sad to think I'll never have a little girl. I think it's perfectly normal for women to want a little girl and men to want a little boy. That doesn't mean I was disappointed in my boy when he was born or ever treated him like he wasn't what I wanted. Basically I think it's perfectly OK for you to feel this way and I'm sure when he's born you'll be perfectly happy with him as he is.

I'm not sure you should have taken the decision to have a third child OP if you are so petrified of a 50/50 outcome.

The BBC recently interviewed an England Women’s Rugby World Cup champion prop. She sat in the barber’s chair, having her hair shaved and cropped — strong, powerful, confident, and proudly herself.

It made me think of threads like yours, that arefrequently on here.

It made me wonder: if this works champion had been your daughter, would you be disappointed?
Would you still long for a “girly girl”?
Would you accept her strength, her courage, her difference, her lack of meeting your expectations, her success?
Would you celebrate her achievements the same way you would if she fit the mould of what you imagined a daughter should be?

Gender disappointment isn’t really about our children — it’s about the boxes we try to fit them into. Every child, boy or girl, deserves to be loved for who they are, not who we hoped they’d be.
Maybe instead of wishing for a boy or a girl, we could wish for a child who is loved, accepted, and free to be fully themselves.

Hi OP, my MIL has the mindset that the girls in my family do days out and lunches etc together and she has a very obvious preference for her daughters and granddaughters as they can do "girly" things together (her words not mine ) so some families are like this. However what she has failed to recognise is that her sons and grandsons would love to bond with her like that but she has declined doing things like this with them so often in favour of doing things with the girls that they stopped asking her. In effect she has created a self fulfilling prophecy by excluding her sons from experiences they wanted to have with her like lunches together because she believes that these are "girly" experiences.

For the record as a woman I personally hate shopping and don't really like spa days. None of my 3 sons particularly like football although both of my good friends DDs are crazy for football. All of them are quite individual and 2 are more interested in art than sport.

Anyway congratulations on your pregnancy.

🥰

Same here! Even at 9 and 7, my eldest (a girl) is way more hyperactive and harder work than her younger brother.

Sorry OP, the chances are high for another of the same after having two of the same sex - I think it's something like 80%.

Kindly, if you don't feel as though you could cope with another boy, getting pregnant again probably wasn't the best decision.

With two boys, chances of another boy are around 58%. With girls, the chances of a third are around 55%.

It usually stays around 50/50 otherwise.

Sure I read 80% somewhere, but it's a very vague recollection so happy to stand corrected.

Op why are you arguing? You posted for opinions, people have given them. I don’t doubt you love your boys but you are really naive if you think having a girl is going to be this huge revelation - it’s just another child with their own individual personality than may or may not fit the gender stereotypes you keep banging on about.

People do get annoyed on these sort of threads because it can come across a bit shallow and daft to react like this when so many people long for a healthy child of any sex.

My only bit of advice would be to reconcile these feelings before you give birth as it would be really unfair on a baby boy to be born into disappointment.

My son is the most loving little soul I’ve ever known. I’m his absolute best friend ever. My two daughters are fireworks. I have to be careful incase I breathe too loudly sometimes.

Sorry but what on earth are you on about? 😂 I honestly don’t think some of you have read any of what I’ve said. Ah yes, I would totally reject this shaven head version of my daughter and be absolutely disgusted with her decision to play traditionally mens sport. Give your head a wobble! I have not once said I only want a girly girl. I have simply said I would prefer a daughter this time around over a third boy. Goodness me, there are so many people on this thread intent on putting words in my mouth in order to try and make me out to be something I am not!

But that’s not what you said in your OP is it, and that’s why you’re getting a hard time. You said you were petrified of having a boy and that you are ‘consumed by fears’. That’s very different from saying ‘I’d quite like a girl this time’.

If you’re going to go hard on the dramatics, don’t be surprised when you get similarly emotive responses.

I didn’t ask for opinions, I asked for advice on how to overcome gender disappointment. Not once have I asked to be belittled, berated or spoken to the way that some people have on this thread. I did not start the stereotype rubbish, which you will see if you actually look back to the beginning of the thread. I simply defend myself against the stereotype brigade. Do you not think I am more than aware as a stay at home mother of 2, who spends more or less every second of every day with them, that every child is their own unique person? You’re just stating the painfully obvious and trying to pass it off as some profound statement.

I think you have just deemed the vast majority of the population shallow then in that case!

Yes petrified to have three boys under three. I think those feeling would hit even the most confident of mums. That coupled with wanting a girl and stewed with early pregnancy hormones can lead to some really difficult thoughts.