Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

I have no words of advice but can see people have given you a hard time on here. I have one of each and I would have been disappointed if I had 2 boys and I understand the wanting for the bond with a daughter. I hope you get your daughter or can work through any disappointment. I'm sure you know that you'll love the baby either way.

the 'challenging post' in question is - you should never have got pregnant. To a woman who is 5 weeks pregnant and expressing distress. I agree with you that MN or public forums shouldn't be a room full of yes men or women and there have been lots of polite and constructive comments from people who have been in a similar situation or explaining that their children don't fit gender stereotypes or for OP to do all the things with her boys (if they are 3 boys) that she envisages doing with girls, or even pretending that it is a boy now so that she isn't disappointed when she does find out.

I don't think a one-liner saying - you shouldn't have got pregnant- why did you do that is useful. What do you actually suggest she does? Terminate the pregnancy?

You do have the right to post wherever you like but the OP also has the right to tell you to get off her thread if she feels what you're saying is mean, not constructive and has already been said a million times over.

I agree and feel sorry for the children whatever happens.

If it’s a third boy then he is a ‘disappointment’, a failed attempt at getting a girl.

If it is a girl then I feel sorry for her two existing boys who are inevitably going to be second-best now.

If it is a girl then there’s also a risk she will be a disappointment too in the future if she doesn’t follow the specific pre-planned ideal that her mum has mapped out.

I thought I wanted to have a DD too after having a DS - like you I am close to my mum and I also thought it might be nice to experience bringing up both sexes the way she did (as I have a brother).

After miscarrying it turned out that actually all I really wanted a sibling for my son. Now I can’t have a 2nd child at all. You are very lucky to be able to have 3 children. Another boy would be an equal blessing.

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh on the op. Unless you have three boys and was hoping one would be a girl it’s hard to understand. I am a mum of 3 boys. Bit of a gap between second and youngest as it was a final chance for a girl. I honestly can’t imagine my life now with a girl. He is just the best little toddler and my older boys absolutely adore him. It has been a bit healing in that we went for the girl and it wasn’t meant to be. Im no longer wondering if we have number 3, will it be a girl?!

He is definitely the final baby and after a tough pregnancy I’m just so glad he is here! I did laugh when I was told it’s a boy!!

I no longer have my mum so was hoping for that bond of having a daughter but I’m sure one of my boys will come shopping and to lunch with me…. If I’m paying!!

good luck with the pregnancy op!

I was delighted to have a girl after two boys. You should be aware though, that after 28 years she is and always has been harder work than the other two put together.

OP, the reality is that what will be will be. Your child's sex is already established and you will be welcoming your new baby into the world in a matter of months. The only thing you do have some control over is your response to whether they're a boy or a girl. And, fortunately, you still have some time to work that out.

I think many of us, if we're honest, have visions of our children's future. How they'll grow up to be, the ability to share our interests and traditions with them. The reality as you probably know is that they are unique individuals who will have their own ideas of what interests them.

I watched a family member have a much longed for daughter. My family member spent so much time trying to get the daughter to do things she as the mum had visions of herself doing with a daughter or activities she felt girls should be doing. Said child had other interests. Mum was very upset. A couple of decades on their relationship is strained and far from what mum had envisioned.

There are some realities that you will just need to get your head around if your third child is a boy. Your child will never have a first period, your child will never give birth but outside of biological female functions there is so much you and your boys can share depending on how you create a relationship with them.

You will create your own traditions with your kids whether they are boys or girls. Our society has to stop putting people in a pigeonhole based on outdated, stereotype gender nonsense notions.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best.

I think it is the word ‘petrified’ that is causing some of the comments, it is such a strong word and would place such a burden on a girl to live up to what OP imagines or such disappointment if a boy.

A lot of you on here are absolutely insane. How dare you say that I would relegate my sons to ‘second best’?! I am a sahm and I pour absolutely everything into my sons. They live incredible, full, fun lives and live in a beautiful warm home. They are shown how deeply loved they are everyday. Wanting a girl to add to my family would never change that. You need to take a long hard look at yourself if you genuinely think a mother would do this to her children. I said in my original post how much I adore my two boys. ‘Pre-planned mapped out ideal’- omg😂 just run with whatever comes to mind!

I too think that the OP has had a bit of a kicking on here but I can see both sides. My mother in law was desperate for a girl, she had four boys. My best friend tried for 14 years to have a baby - she suffered four ectopic pregnancies and remains childless.

Having a healthy child is a blessing that some women never get the chance to experience. It’s fine to want children of both sexes, and to be mildly disappointed if your next baby is not the girl you wanted - but stop for a moment and think about the fact that even if your baby is a boy OP, and assuming he’s healthy, you are far luckier than a lot of people. Change your mindset- it is you who’s feeling like this and only you can change the way you feel. If you spend the next 8 month fixated on the girl that you may or may not have and then have another boy - the only person you’re going to be hurting is yourself.

We don’t always get everything we want in life. That’s a sad fact but be grateful for all the wonderful things you do have - and if that ends up being three sons instead of two sons and a daughter, you will still be incredibly blessed.

Being ‘PETRIFIED’ of having another boy doesn’t seem to suggest that.
And yes it’s always so obvious to everyone when someone has the favoured girl after boys, even when they insist otherwise, it does make me feel sad for the little boys who were just failed attempts until mum ‘got her girl’

I don't know who you are addressing, but I have posted nothing of the kind.
No, she doesn't tell me to get off the thread. I've given some good advice.
If you think someone has broken the talk guidelines, please report them because it certainly isn't me.

I know someone with 3 boys. She always wanted a girl, and was disappointed the 3rd child was another boy. She loves him of course, but her enthusiasm for parenthood 3rd time round had diminished when she found out he wasn’t a girl. He’s been neglected beyond belief. Parents barely noticed him. He’s an adult now and still very much an outsider in the family. And he’s unhappy. They should never have had him. It was cruel and selfish.

I know, OP. There is nothing like a gender disappointment thread to bring out the nasties and the people who love to stick the boot in.

It makes me laugh when people say they have 7 children, ‘6 boys and a girl, but we didn’t try for a girl, we just wanted 7 children and it was a coincidence our very last was the opposite sex’ yeah right.

Equally the posters who swear blind there is no difference between men and women while
hanging out on a 99% female website when there are plenty of mixed sex chat forums to choose from.

Your feelings and totally valid. You need time to work through them and hoped to chat about it but sadly the vipers are out, gunning for anybody who hoped for anything in life. They’re the same people who will attack people for having kids at all because they hoped for company as they got older - nothing is a ‘good reason’ to them, anything you say will be wrong and they live to be contradictory and feel like they’re putting somebody in their place while everyone claps. Vile.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Op I think you've been given a hard time. Your feelings are valid, as are the posts given by other posters, just some have worded it incredibly harshly.
Ive got 3 boys. Yes, we would have liked a girl, but once I found out my 3rd was a boy I got totally on board with it and now hes here I wouldn't change him for the world. I suggest you find out what you are having as early as possible so that you can find out either way and name him or her and begin to bond with your baby as an individual. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Remember, hormones are wild. Take it easy and dont let stuff get to you x

If a boy at least you know what to expect.
Girls are very different

But why choose to have another child if you are ‘petrified’ of a third son, knowing the odds?

Having a preference is fine, I did. But if the alternative had been ‘petrifying’ I wouldn’t have had children at all.

If I was you, (I’m not, before anyone comes for me) it’s probably been said already, I’d pay and get a scan to find out the sex and sort my feelings out prior to the birth. It gives to time to work through whatever you need to. X

Just ignore them,

I have two girls, if I had a third, yes, I would want a boy. It certainly would not mean I would favour the boy over the girls or vice versa.

Its ok to have gender disappointment.

I read :
*Petrified at the thought of a third...

Thought the last word was going to be war - that the thread was going to be about something that had happened in the news that I hadn't heard about yet. I was relieved when I opened it.

Perhaps that will help put it into perspective OP?

Seriously though, gender disappointment is a real thing, but you will love your baby when they come, I'm so sure of it xxx

I know you don't want people to be unkind but it's really horrible to be dreading the sex of your unborn child. You really should have thought more about the implications before getting pregnant, but too late now.
By the way one of the nicest afternoon teas I was treated to was by one of my sons so that's a ridiculous comparison.

Girls are much harder work as teens but boy babies are energetic and have no fear

Three boys under 5 wouldn’t have scared you a tad? You’re lying if you say otherwise! 3 boys so close in age would be pure and utter chaos, that’s what I’m frightened of the most.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself if you genuinely think a mother would do this to her children
Mothers do ' do this to their children'. All the time. Adults have experience not only of being the favoured child but of being seen as not as I portent as the favoured child. Many women also have the experience of not living up to their parents present ordained stereotypes of what they should be- girly girls who live shopping and cake, boyish bots who love sport. It happens. A lot.

I can understand your feelings, I have two boys, and I had to grieve the fact I wouldn't ever have a daughter. I had a terrible relationship with my own mother and I feel I really wanted to have a daughter to "fix" the mother daughter dynamic I never had. But that's me. I also see the relationships men seem to have with their mothers, and seem to drift away when they get married and be closer to their partners families, so that worries me for the future also. My own two boys are really high energy, with my eldest being very different to me and into traditional male activities and doesn't really see me as the "fun" parent because of this. It's hard.