Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

I understand your feelings, OP. I had gender disappointment when I found out DS2 was a boy. I got over it by the time he was born and our bond was amazing. But then when I decided I wanted a third child I realised I couldn't do it unless I had a girl and I went to incredible efforts to ensure that I did. Now don't get me wrong, she's amazing and I have no regrets because I have this specific child now because of what I did to get her, BUT I was very stupid! I'm about fifteen years along from that time in my life and the way things have panned out have utterly demolished all my expectations of parenthood. I have not healed my mother wound by having my own daughter (had therapy for that). I have not relived my childhood through buying her the same kinds of toys I had (got just as annoyed tidying up the crap). I slightly enjoyed choosing her clothes more than I did for the boys and the change was fun, but that lasted a few years at most. She is now a nightmare to shop with! My DS1 lunches out with me and asks me to help him choose jewellry. They have become entirely their own people and I enjoy and am exhausted by different aspects of each one of them. I thought that by having both sexes I'd be getting the 'full range' of parenthood, but that comes through witnessing the development of their unique personalities. And he/she is in there now so it is already decided - go with it and enjoy the ride.

I think perhaps the PP was making the point that a girl doesn’t guarantee you these things (I’m sure you’re aware of that intellectually). I think hormones are probably playing a big part so don’t panic but if you are still feeling this way close to the birth then perhaps you should seek counselling? Or if you find out the sex and it’s a boy then counselling at that point maybe?

Wise words, @FigAboutTheRules . 👍

YABVVVVVVVVVVVU

Sorry but I have to ask… what does ‘went to incredible efforts to ensure I did’ mean?

Oh give over. Ive been to eleventy billion playgroups and play centres over the last few years and the girls aren't punished for being active! And we actively try and encourage the boys to calm down. My boys will play with dolls and other "gendered" items and im careful not overly gender them or the kids around them, but overall, theres some glaringly obvious biological differences in how very young boys and girls naturally play, and this has been confirmed by many Mums I've spoken to who have tried their best not to perpetuate stereotypes.

People who believe that boys are higher energy and girls are placid do this though. Maybe your playgroup friends aren’t such regressive idiots.

Although, I don’t believe there are play-based sex-dependent differences in young children. So if you’re observing them, you’re just reinforcing stereotypes via confirmation bias.

Pop over to the conception boards and see how many of us have lost our babies and are desperate to conceive again, some of us trying for years, some who have horrific stories. Go read some of those stories and see if that doesn't make you realise how incredibly, amazingly blessed you are to have two boys and another child on the way.

if that's harsh I apologise, but I and so many others would give anything to have a child and you always knew it was a 50/50 chance.

Congratulations. Trigger warning
I am sure whatever you are blessed with that you will love this child so much.

I thought I should tell you about my sister who desperately wanted a boy.
She had lots of scans and baby was never in the right position to tell the gender.She was upset / worried ,all the way through.
Then at 33 weeks there was reduced movement and sadly my niece was stillborn.

She is beside herself with grief and her daughter was perfect.
She is struggling to get pregnant again 18 months on.
She just wants a healthy baby.

So what do you have boys or girls or both?

You say repeatedly that you want people to "be kind" (not just in the post I've quoted, but before and after that as well). But you seem to mean that you just want people to agree with you. There is nothing "unkind" in the post by ShowOfHands or indeed in the vast majority of posts on this thread.

As many PPs have said, your visions of raising girls (and raising boys as well) seems to be based on an old-fashioned view of rigid categories in which boys are energetic and like football and girls are quiet and like shopping and afternoon tea. This perspective can be quite harmful to the children who are brought up with these stereotypical attitudes. Of course, there's nothing wrong with boys enjoying football and girls enjoying shopping. But assuming that children will automatically gravitate to certain activities simply because of their sex (and not because of societal expectations and pressures) is surely something that we should actively avoid.

Many parents have mild preferences for having a boy or a girl. Many have no preference whatsoever. But if anyone has such a deep investment in having either a boy or a girl that it will affect their relationship with that child, then they would be better off not having children at all. I have one friend who I genuinely worried about throughout her pregnancy. She was absolutely desperate to have a girl and made disparaging comments about boys. I feared that if she ended up with a boy, she would resent him and not bond with him properly. As it turned out, she had a girl after all. And it's entirely possible that if she'd had a boy all her concerns would have disappeared and she would have loved him every bit as much. I'm not suggesting that your desire for a girl is in any way as extreme as my friend's, though using words like "petrified" is a bit troubling.

I think the idea of having 3 of the same sex would feel like 'alot' - whether it's 3 girls or 3 boys - it's just 'alot' of the same hormones dominating a household.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

But remember that by the time you get to the end of your pregnancy, you're on your last legs, and you finally deliver - the relief and pregnancy hormones all kick in and it won't much matter. All babies are blobs that you couldn't love anymore if you tried, by the time they become little people you're already watching your heart beating outside of yourself and couldn't imagine your life without them.

It will work out.

I feel for anyone who wants a certain sex so badly. Please let us know what you are having when you know @Tegah x

The bleating of “Please be kind” is always the mantra and last refuge of the unreasonable 🙄

I'll swap you for my secondary infertility. Give your head a wobble and be grateful. Its a child, not an accessory

I was a much wanted daughter, one of my grandmothers had only boys so I was much wanted grandchild too.

I hate shopping, a spa day is my Idea of hell. I spent my childhood being pushed into box I didn't fit.

I actually think you are in love with an idea of what a daughter would be like, and even if this baby is a girl you might never get the experiences you want.

My mom thought like you. She had two daughter and we were both tomboys. She put a lot of effort into molding us into better versions of her, but it only let to a lot of conflicts and we are not close now.

I am trying to be kind here, OP, but I feel like you are trying to live out a fantasy life for you and a hypothetical daughter. It never ends well.

Have you ever asked your husband if the fantasy of having boys lived up to the reality for him?

It's not harsh, it's the truth.
These threads make so angry. Any baby is a gift, regardless of its genitals

You haven't got 3 boys under the age of 5 have you 😂😂😂😂😂 you wouldn't be spouting that shit if you did.
I doubt you've even worked with children either.
Reminds me of those parents who let their child choose their own gender, or the ones who dress them so bloody ambiguously to not "conform" to stereotypes and all that happens is that the poor bugger is constantly correcting people in the park that they are in fact a boy not a girl or vice versa.

I think the thing that a few people are trying to highlight is that plenty of girls don’t conform to these roles and stereotypes, or perhaps do such to a much lesser degree than what you may be thinking of.

I don’t think anyone is saying this to be unkind but just because it’s true and they want to be helpful. I think what they’re saying is that there isn’t any guarantee anyway about what your child would be like, and rigid gender roles are much less common, so perhaps worth reframing it.

I’m about to have a boy and I’m really looking forward to doing outdoorsy stuff and sports with him, and I also have an idea in my mind that I will really enjoy baking with him and making fun, colourful things with him. Not that I actually think either of those are really gendered activities but you see my point.

Could it be that the women in your family are close because you all put effort into spending quality time together, and it just so happens that this quality time is things like spas and shopping? Were these activities framed to you as specially female growing up? I know lots of women not much older than me who were raised in this way. If so, could that be why you worry that another boy would make it harder to bond closely? What interests do you have that you could foster with your boys that are just for you and them, as football isn’t your thing? Might they enjoy baking a simple version of afternoon tea at home with you?

My experience too - my DD (and yes I adore her) has nearly killed me with her shenanigans and drama. None of the mum n daughter/spa date/shopping trips my fantasies had created. My DS, by contrast is loving and easy going and a joy to be around… I had spent years dreading the idea of a boy beforehand. I know it’s not the same as OP has 2 boys already, but whatever their sex, they will be their own individual persons and you have no control. I had my DS after 5 miscarriages - in the end I was just overjoyed to have a healthy baby at the end. And now, aged nearly 18 and 21, just pleased they are healthy and moving forward in their lives.

A lot of people when expecting may have a preference for the sex of their unborn baby, especially if it's a second or third baby. That is fairly normal I would say @Tegah .

I think the perceived problem here, ( not saying it IS a problem though, just a perception by many posters) is that you used the word 'petrified' which is a very strong word and COULD indicate that you will have trouble bonding with your baby if it turns out to be another boy.

I think most posters on here
are simply trying to reassure you that if it turns out you are expecting another boy it won't be the end of the world

I hope all goes well for you

Think what you like and be wrong. It certainly fits with your MO thus far.

I have 3 boys and one girl. The girl is hardest work!!

Ditto 😘