Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Do i ask him not to go? AIBU?

131 replies

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:26

Hi, i'm just looking for a bit of advice really, not sure if IABU?

OH has booked a fishing holiday in France, he will be at a lake which is about 4 hours drive from Calais.He booked the holiday along with a couple of friends about 9 months ago.

The problem is that i am now pregnant with PFB, and my due date is 2 weeks after he arrives back from France.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him not to go? I have a feeling he will go mad if i ask him not to, he's been looking forward to it for months etc. etc. He will probably just brush it off and say, no you'll be fine, you won't go into labour early

What would you do? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 03/06/2008 16:29

If it's your first, it's unlikely (but not impossible) that you'll be two weeks early. I'd say let him go, esp as it was booked before you got pg. And have a back-up plan in case you do go into labour: another birth partner and plans in place so he can get home sharpish if necessary (can he get a plane back for example?).

belgo · 03/06/2008 16:29

Very difficult. I've known fathers to miss the baby's delivery because they've been away on business.

ZoeC · 03/06/2008 16:29

I would privately not like it tbh, but it was booked ages ago so I would not ask him not to go. He is back 2 weeks before you are due, so the likelihood is he will be back in good time.

I think if it was me, I'd stock up on dvds and sweeties and plan an indulgent few days of just lolling around all day.

Meeely2 · 03/06/2008 16:30

  1. I would never be apprehensive about bringing stuff up with my DH, so mention it anyway.

  2. No pregnancy is text book - how does he know you won't go into labour early?

  3. He has YEARS to go on holiday with the lads, but his first child will only be born once.

EffiePerine · 03/06/2008 16:30

but do tell him you are worried . Can you get someone to stay with you when he is away? Those last weeks are sooo dull and you might need some company.

Meeely2 · 03/06/2008 16:33

my dh was due to go to a concert around my twins due date (so not out the country but still i was apprehensive) - we had a friend on standby (her dh was going with my dh to the concert) in case anything happened. About 8 weeks before concert i gave birth! So he went....ha!

LenniEd · 03/06/2008 16:36

Just to answer the 'what would you do?' part... I had the same with DH and going away for a european football fixture when I was 38wks- it was his last chance really since money and time too tight now for such extravagence. I didn't really mind tbh as I didn't feel anywhere close to giving birth - sounds strange but I didn't, and my sister and BIL stayed with me whilst he was gone. I think it is up to you to decide how you feel about him being away - realistically you are unlikely to go into labour, but might be worth asking a friend or relative to stay with you if it would put your mind at rest.

Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:38

Thanks for the quick response everyone

My Mum is brilliant and would probably be round to see me every day that OH is away, and would step into the birth-partner role no problems. I think maybe i will bring it up with him and just make him aware that the due date is not the be all and end all, and there is a small chance that he could miss the birth, even if he raced back.

The reason i've suddenly started to panic about this is that i know someone who recently went into labour 2 weeks early with her DS and her labour was 3 hours from start to finish. I think he thinks that all labours last days!

OP posts:
bikerunski · 03/06/2008 16:44

... and Mum was only in labour for 3 hours with me. Three hours start to finsh, 7 weeks early, albeit 30+ years ago. I bet it still happens.

barbiehouse · 03/06/2008 16:44

don't think you'd be unreasonable. it is quite poss you go early, and even if you don't, you'll probably think that every twinge you feel is the start of labour and will panic. also, at that stage you'll probably be bored and tired, and desperate for company. still, if you've got someone else who you'd be equally happy having at the birth, then i suppose that's different, but will he not regret not being there? having said that, you are quite likely not to have it while he's away, so hope he doesn't get too cross if he cancels and it doesn't come. the moral of this story is that he should have counted 9months back from the holiday and been more cAREFUL!!

Libra1975 · 03/06/2008 16:44

What would I do? I would tell him he couldn't go and I would be fairly confused that he would want to go.
As much as I can appreciate him wanting to spend time with his friends I would not be able to process the fact he would be quite happy to miss the birth of his first child and I would want him there to support me during the labour. First borns can be late however anywhere between 37 weeks and 42 weeks is considered full-term.

What you should do is talk to him and tell him how you feel, you obviously aren't happy about him going away or you wouldn't have posted this thread.

kitsmummy · 03/06/2008 16:48

My labour for my first child was 6 hours from start to finish and I was 9 days early. So i think in your position i would certainly hope that DH would be offering not to go and if not, i'd bring it up with him. I wouldn't be happy with him being in a different country 2 weeks before due date. I would hope that he'd get his priorities right without making too much of a fuss.

Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:56

I agree, and from the moment we found out everything was ok at the 12 week scan i have been kind of waiting for him to say 'actually, i think it's best for me to be at home, just in case'.

I just mentioned this to a colleague at work who is also pregnant, and she was shocked he hadn't cancelled, her DH has pretty much cleared all hols/working away from 2 months before her baby is due.

OP posts:
Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:59

...oh and not that it should matter, but he hasn't paid for ferries or anything yet, just the time camping at the lake, so it's not like he will lose loads of money if he doesn't go.

hmmm...it really shouldn't matter should it?

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 03/06/2008 17:03

I would not expect to have to ask my DH not to go. I would be livid if he didn't suggest cancelling himself tbh.

A fishing holiday opposed to the birth of his 1st child.

Bit of a wanker if he goes imo.

belgo · 03/06/2008 17:06

Agree with agirlwhochangedhername. He should offer to cancel. I'm sure you can reach a compromise regarding future holidays - my dh goes on skiing holidays without me, but he would never go when I was 8 and a half months pregnant!

The problem is though is that you can't force someone to be reasonable. If he does cancel the trip, and you didn't go into labour until 40 weeks, would he feel resentful that he had missed his holiday?

Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:06

I think i have just been pushing this to the back of my mind, with the excitement of scans etc.

He has accused me of being controlling in the past, maybe i am, but i have the feeling that if i ask him to consider not going he will say i am controlling his life, 'you are always trying to stop me going fishing'etc etc.

OP posts:
belgo · 03/06/2008 17:08

that sounds rather unfair of him if he does say that. I don't see how wanting your OH around in the last month of pregnancy is being controlling.

As I said, could you come up with a compromise, he's go on holiday another time?

Libra1975 · 03/06/2008 17:10

There is nothing controlling about wanting the person who helped get your into this
mess delightful situation of having a first born child to actually be there to support you. He is acting like a child - is he going to tell you he hates you and stick his bottom lip out at the same time?

*disclaimer I am using the word mess jokingly.

Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:10

If he didn't go, he would make sure i knew it was NOT his choice, he was say i made him stay at home, and if baby didn't arrive early i would never hear the last of it!

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 03/06/2008 17:10

Sorry but if my DH put a daft fishing trip before me/our 1st or whatever child i don't know how i would feel actually.

He should be big enough to be thinking about his DW and his 1st dc.

Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:11

I could ask belgo but he might struggle to change his holiday at work, worth a try though

OP posts:
shubiedoo · 03/06/2008 17:12

I would think the opposite, he's probably not going to be able to go fishing with his friends for a VERY long time once the baby arrives!

My husband went with his brother and dad to a Man U weekend thing two weeks before I had ds1, my mother-in-law stayed with me just in case.

Was your mum late or early with her deliveries?

Original poster
rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:14

He got it into his head a long time ago that i hate him going fishing and don't want him to go at all, which really isn't true, i enjoy having time to myself at weekends. So if i ever ask him not to go fishing for whatever reason he just goes mad.

OP posts:
Libra1975 · 03/06/2008 17:14

shubiedoo, was the Man U thing at least in the UK? and you were obviously ok with your DH going whereas the OP seems quite stressed about this at a time she doesn't need to be stressed!