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Original poster

Do i ask him not to go? AIBU?

131 replies

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:26

Hi, i'm just looking for a bit of advice really, not sure if IABU?

OH has booked a fishing holiday in France, he will be at a lake which is about 4 hours drive from Calais.He booked the holiday along with a couple of friends about 9 months ago.

The problem is that i am now pregnant with PFB, and my due date is 2 weeks after he arrives back from France.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him not to go? I have a feeling he will go mad if i ask him not to, he's been looking forward to it for months etc. etc. He will probably just brush it off and say, no you'll be fine, you won't go into labour early

What would you do? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
pollyblue · 03/06/2008 23:57

I'm just wondering if he's a bit 'old school' and thinks that having the baby is really the woman's thing and not something that he really has a useful part to play in? Have you explained to him how important it is to you that he is there to support you?

TBH, I would be reconsidering having him at the birth at all, whenever it happens, and recruit a more sympathetic birth partner (Mum? Sister?). Not out of spite - i orginally thought that his going away wasn't unreasonable, but i'm shocked by the conversation you say you had. He doesn't sound like he would be much of a reassuring presence when the time comes.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 04/06/2008 00:30

what a complete and utter twat. i really feel sorry for you, he is spoiling what should be a special precious time.

are any of his friends already dads? or is he the first and feeling the pressure of "settling down" and "missing out" on all the fun?

if any of them are dads, and are reasonably sane and have good rels with their children, could they have a quiet word in his ear about what a dick he is being/how amazing it is to see your child come into the world?

shubiedoo · 04/06/2008 02:10

That is awful!

Had you planned to attend prenatal classes together? Along the lines of what pollyblue said, if he's not interested in being at the birth, you should definitely get someone else to help you.

Original poster
rarebreed · 04/06/2008 05:54

I havent spoken to him since our last conversation, i just dont know what i can say. He has always had trouble showing his emotions, i'm not sure why. I thought the one time in his life that he would get excited about something and jump up and down a bit would be when i told him i was pregnant, but that day he came home from work and started cleaning the farking kitchen. I've still not gotten over that, i feel like i'm still waiting for him to turn up with a big bunch of flowers and a big smile on his face.

He was deadly serious yesterday, he really could not understand how i could possibly ask him to stay at home, even though the risk of labour is quite small . He was obviously quite angry with me.

I thought he wanted this baby as much as i did, thats what he said when we started trying. I just don't know what to do
I'm going for dinner with Mum tonight so i could talk to her about it.

OP posts:
vicsta · 04/06/2008 06:23

I can't beleive he said such a thing. What a thoughtless gimp! Much as i'm starting to loath defending him - is it possible that this is one of those 'oh my God this is really happening and I'm fecking terrified, but can't say so' type things, or is he just a complete arse? Agree with other posters, get your Mum on board & reconsider if you want him at the birth at all. Give him a chance to explain himself but in the meantime, make plans for you to be looked after when the time comes for baby to arrive. I'm very on your behalf. My DP isn't perfect and sometimes speakes before thinking, but if he had said that to me I'm sure I'd have thrown something at him. I've had to practically force DP to watch Baby Tales etc. so that he has some idea of what goes on. Wants to be supportive, but will quite happily bury head in sand for the bits he doesn't fancy dealing with. Men are strange and stupid sometimes.

EffiePerine · 04/06/2008 06:59

Did you have a good chat with your mum? Agree about considering her as a birth partner - you don't want someone there who isn't 100% involved and supportive.

I wouldn't rush to condemn him (yet...), maybe have another chat to him about how hurtful it is that he doesn't want to be at the birth of HIS CHILD?

Original poster
rarebreed · 04/06/2008 08:02

I really think he just isn't bothered, i've tried to talk to him lots of times over the past few months about buying things for the baby, and what we need to get and as i'm talking to him i can actually see his eyes glaze over. When i went and sat upstairs by myself after our conversation, he came up and asked me what was wrong and what was i so upset about? i was so angry with him i couldn't even speak, so he went down stairs and that was that.

I just feel so sad, i feel like all the excitement about this pregnancy has been drained away. He is nearly 30 FGS, it's not like he's a scared teenage boy, and he said he wanted this as much as i did.

OP posts:
CantSleepWontSleep · 04/06/2008 08:49

I think that YABU about the trip, but not about his apparent lack of interest in anything baby related.

Dh works abroad, and was planning on being away until dd's actual due date, on the basis that first babies are most often late. I arranged a couple of friends who were happy to be there if he couldn't be.

In actual fact his work told him that he was mad and to work from home for an extra week beforehand, so he was here for a week before the due date. Dd was 6 days late!

Far better to have him around refreshed from his holiday and happy when the baby arrives, than to have him skulking about miserable for weeks beforehand.

belgo · 04/06/2008 08:54

Cantsleepwontsleep - I don't think working abroad is the same as going on holiday. I know several fathers who have missed the birth because of working abroad, and their wives have accepted that as a necessity. But going on holiday is different imo.

But I do agree that it isn't a good idea for him to miss his holiday only to have him skulking about miserable for weeks, if he is immature enough to do that.

mankymummy · 04/06/2008 08:58

honey, prepare yourself to do it without him because at this stage he probably can't imagine himself being a dad. A lot of men are like this first time round, he's probably shit scared.

i'm sure when he sees your beautiful little one that will change.

Try and be strong now and rely on your mum. its not worth arguing over and getting upset, he'll be the one losing out. He's made his choices. He'll probably regret it once he's a dad but dont stress yourself out arguing with him.

for a man the birth (and in the long run the woman too i think) is not the be all and end all and unless its really, really important to you i would let him do what he wants.

you are a woman, you're the strong one. if you've told him how you feel just content yourself with the fact that you've done what you could. Good luck.

mankymummy · 04/06/2008 09:01

also... to be honest if he's like that at the moment your mum is going to be a lot more help to you when you are in labour than him anyway.

my exP missed my DS's birth, my best friend was with me and it was brilliant. if exP had been there he would have been stressing me out by getting stressed himself, whereas my friend and i were both very calm and actually had a few giggles during it all !

Libra1975 · 04/06/2008 09:01

Having to work is not the same as going on holiday!

However in the name of eternal optimism there is hope!
" he came up and asked me what was wrong and what was i so upset about? i was so angry with him i couldn't even speak, so he went down stairs and that was that."

I know it must be difficult for you to sit on your anger but he gave you this opening and I really think you should take it. Try and explain again why you are upset, repetition might be the only way to get thru.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 04/06/2008 09:03

Unbelievable. I am totally on your side with this one. Is he someone that will actually hear what you say and go away and mull over it in private and then possibly come up with a new decision?

My DH is very reactive and thinks I'm very controlling and as a result I can't actually discuss anything that's bothering me with him - by that I mean that he will not discuss whatever it is. e.g. his mum coming to stay the day after the birth for 10 days - he thought I was being unreasonable when I said that i was worried that I might not be able to cope with it when the time came. The topic was closed immediately and over she came. It was a nightmare.

Anyway - is it possible that he found the way you brought it up to be confrontational? I know that you probably thought very hard to word it and plucked up the courage to bring it up etc but do you think that he really heard what you were asking? Being the devil's advocate and if he's the type of person I'm thinking he might be, from his point of view and what you've typed it looks like you were indeed asking him to cancel (with no empathy about him needing this trip and possibly compromising about when), you were blaming him for not considering his first child to be important (possibly seen as emotional blackmail?). You also didn't state whether or not you could do with his help and support at the birth - not all men actually want to be there or realise that their partner absolutely wants them there and will not cope if they're not....

Libra1975 · 04/06/2008 09:07

Do some men use the word controlling as a term meaning 'no I don't want to do what you want to do and I am not even willing to talk about it' ???

belgo · 04/06/2008 09:12

yes libra.

mankymummy · 04/06/2008 09:14

controlling in some men means... "i know you are in the right but im a selfish twt and dont want to be made to feel guilty for being said selfish twt" !

Original poster
rarebreed · 04/06/2008 09:26

I think that as far as he is concerned, this subject was never up for discussion. I was calm and normal with him when i tried to talk to him yesterday, i let him know that i couldn't make the decision for him but i thought that maybe he hadn't realised that some babies come early. I called my mum and talked to her about it this morning and she was quite shocked, she said that i'm going to struggle to come out of this without harbouring some real resentment for him.

It's not even about the holiday any more, it's the fact he just dismissed all the genuine worries i had as being stupid, and it was me just trying to control him and stop him doing what he wants.

Thanks for all your advice, it's given me a lot to think about. I wish i wasn't at work, feel like i'm about to explode!

OP posts:
mankymummy · 04/06/2008 09:30

i think he's scared.

he'll soon realise pretty quick once the baby arrives that he wont be able to do what he wants all the time.

is there anyone else who can talk to him rather than you so that he doesnt see it as you nagging or controlling? like his mum or sister or something?

Flum · 04/06/2008 09:32

Me. I would let him go. I am also a fishing widow. I find if DH gets his fishing and cricket fixes, he is much more willingly involved in family life the rest of the time.

It would mean you would have to accept that he might miss the birth. In reality this usually matters more to the chick than the bloke. Do you have a good best friend/mum that coulsd step into the breech?

Original poster
rarebreed · 04/06/2008 09:49

Just great, just burst into tears in the middle of the office, feel like a complete idiot.

OP posts:
Libra1975 · 04/06/2008 09:54

Flum, it might be more important to the chick than the bloke but don't you think that because it is SO important to the chick that it might click in the blokes mind that he should really be there. I am sure we have all done things for our OH because we know how much it means to them rather than because we want to be there or do it ourselves, it's called supporting each other. And this isn't just the birth he is missing it could be the first few days of his childs life if he has problems getting back.

rarebreed, take a deep breath - do you have a coffee shop near you that you could take a 3o minute break in?

Original poster
rarebreed · 04/06/2008 10:03

Just had a good chat with one of my friends at work, so am feeling a bit calmer, think that those tears had been building all morning, feel a bit better now.

I can see that he might think of this hol at his last bit of freedom before the baby arrives, i understand that and why he would really want to go.

I just can't get it out of my head that he said he was looking forward to this holiday more than the birth of our baby. It really hurt.

OP posts:
Thankyouandgoodnight · 04/06/2008 11:59

Some men just can't tolerate being what they view as 'being told what to do' when it isn't infact that at all. It is most peculiar and an exceedingly annoying trait to have. My DH is like this as I say and it doesn't seem to improve over time. He gets his bristles up so fast that I don't think he actually hears what I'm saying and it sounds like your OH is like that.

Don't be hurt about his feelings towards the new baby though because as far as he's concerned it's probably all horribly surreal and a life sentence. It won't be until the baby appears, that he really sees it for what it is. There's been a bit of a spate of that around here with lots of dads to be being completely disinterested to the point of being arsy and then baby arrives and they fall head over heels with them. Very annoying.

If he won't listen to you, can you write it all down for him to read in private? From what you say, a real issue is that he's potentially letting you down by potentially msising the birth BUT if you're happy with a different birth partner, then that's different. For me, it's my DH or no-one.

Bramshott · 04/06/2008 12:16

Rarebreed - do you think that subconciously maybe he doesn't want to be there? Maybe he's scared of seeing you in pain, worried it will be messy, nervous of hospitals etc? Perhaps when he said he was looking forward to the trip more than the birth of the baby he meant not so much the baby being born and being here, but the actual birth itself?

vicsta · 04/06/2008 12:27

Had a bit of a mare with laptop just then, but saved myself some time as was going to advise the same as Thankyou&goodnight. Write it down for him. When me and DP are in 'discussion' mode, I sometimes wonder if I'm speaking a foreign language, he's so oblivious to what I'm trying to say. If its written down, there can be no "but you said this or that" which (IME) can turn the argument into something else, esp if DP is burying head in sand. Explain how you feel and ask him too. Is he worried/scared of the birth/seeing you in pain/feeling generally useless before and after/being a crap Dad/massive change in responsibility? In a letter he can mull it over, time and again if he wants and at the very least (I hope) try and understand that you are not trying to control him. BTW, all worries listed above were reluctantly given up by DP and believe me, it was like pulling teeth trying to get it out of him. At the end of it, his main concern was not wanting to worry me and he was feeling crap as I seem much more capable than he feels. There is hope. He did come and try to talk to you, but you were to angry to speak. I do that ALL the time as I get so frustrated I don't trust myself to speak, so please don't think I'm having a go at you. It's another reason to write the letter, you'll feel better and you'll avoid a complete eruption without resorting to angry silence. I do hope you sort this out, it's not really just about the fishing trip anymore, is it? Good Luck.