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Original poster

Do i ask him not to go? AIBU?

131 replies

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:26

Hi, i'm just looking for a bit of advice really, not sure if IABU?

OH has booked a fishing holiday in France, he will be at a lake which is about 4 hours drive from Calais.He booked the holiday along with a couple of friends about 9 months ago.

The problem is that i am now pregnant with PFB, and my due date is 2 weeks after he arrives back from France.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him not to go? I have a feeling he will go mad if i ask him not to, he's been looking forward to it for months etc. etc. He will probably just brush it off and say, no you'll be fine, you won't go into labour early

What would you do? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Original poster
rarebreed · 05/06/2008 13:16

I think he may be worried about letting his best mate down, they are going in OH's car, using his trailer thingy and roof box. I don't think his friend has said anything to him about it, but i bet thats the reason why he is so reluctant to even consider not going, i think that his mate would be majorly p*ssed off with him. Also the fact that he is looking forward to it so much himself.

If that is the case it just means he is not prepared to let his friend down (hardly at the last minute, they could arrange another car) but he is quite happy to risk missing the birth.

How depressing!

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Original poster
rarebreed · 05/06/2008 13:17

star6 you're right, if i 'make' him stay at home as he would see it, and then i don't have the baby early, i would never hear the end of it.

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MrsTittleMouse · 05/06/2008 13:22

He's probably more sensitive to peer pressure at the moment, because you are pregnant and he is going through such a transition in life. He is scared that the experience will change him and that it's the end of his youth.
Like I say, he's still being an arse, and you are still completely right, I just wanted to let you know that my DH went through something similar during a different life stage. And afterwards he thanked me for talking some sense into him, as he had a fabulous time at the wedding.
I personally would sit down with him and go through the facts. I would bring up the statistics of early births, and have a chat about things in purely factual and practical terms. Let's face it, even though the chances of you delivering aren't high, the consequences if you do are very serious.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/06/2008 16:44

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Original poster
rarebreed · 05/06/2008 16:57

My mum offered to speak to him about it, she is never one to intefere usually, but she thought he might take the whole thing more seriously if he heard it from someone else.

But then he might think we are 'ganging up' on him. Him and my mum get on really well though.

Maybe i could ask him if he would just have a quick chat with her?

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StarlightMcKenzie · 05/06/2008 17:04

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StarlightMcKenzie · 05/06/2008 17:04

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FrannyandZucchini · 05/06/2008 17:15

I think the thing about the birth being early is a red herring actually

he'll be going away when you are 8 months pg
being 8 months pg myself atm I am quite sensitive to the idea of this

I think women are often feeling very emotionally vulnerable and physically tired and incapable at this stage

personally I am unable to walk far and can't do simple jobs like shopping or housework without help because I find them painful and uncomfortable, or just physically impossible

I am by no means having a dreadful or unusual pregnancy, I am quite fit and healthy but being very heavily pregnant is a time when you need extra help

I would be appalled if my dp and the father of the baby chose this time to go away with his mates for 2 weeks

ivykaty44 · 05/06/2008 17:20

4 hours from Calais, ferries every hour and they are bound to get him on the next ferry if his wife is in labour - then an hour or two on the ferry then the drive home?

Give it 10 hours from start of labour - will he make it?

FrannyandZucchini · 05/06/2008 17:23

being there for the actual moment when the head emerges is SO not the point
where is the desire to share the last few weeks with her and care for her when she could be very needy
we do pair bond for a good reason - I know women do have children alone but most find it more comfortable and pleasant to have a loved partner with them - not just during the final contractions - but during the last, challenging weeks

ivykaty44 · 05/06/2008 17:29

See I would be of the mind that going away before the baby was born would be ok - nut after the baby is born is the time for daddy to look after his new family, baby and muumy will need him then and he would be able to take care of them.

StarlightMcKenzie · 05/06/2008 17:41

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star6 · 05/06/2008 17:53

tell him that if he insists on going, you'll just go with him... that way if it comes early, at least you'll be together ha!!

Flibbertyjibbet · 05/06/2008 18:06

Havent' read further than the first post, but as a mum of two....

My ds1's birth was extended, traumatic and eventually ventouse. DP was no help at all and I found myself half hoping that ds2 would arrive in the middle of the night so that Dp would have to look after him. (Elective sect in the afternoon as it turned out!)

I think your dp is a complete twonk for not offering to cancel something that was booked before you got pg. Its not like you were already pg and asked at the time of booking, whether you would mind him not being there.

If he doesn't go, and baby doesn't come early (in my case 1st was 2 weeks late), he will probably go on and on about it for years.

On the other hand, if he does go and baby comes while he is away, you will have the perfect ammunition for everytime he ever wants to do anything again, for the rest of your married life.

All your family and his, his work colleagues and later on the child itself, will all be that he was on a FISHING trip when his child was born. Its as if he is polishing the halo around your head, you will be seen as such a SAINT for putting up with him.

You will have a labour supported by women and not some twerp getting in the way in the delivery room moaning that he is missing a big catch. Agree with ivykate that the time you need the dad is when you get home with new baby.

largeginandtonic · 05/06/2008 18:22

Rarebreed i just read the thread, i am so for you.

He is being incredibly selfish and it is such an awful thing to hear the man you love say such things to you. My ex was a bit like that. Some of the things he used to say really cut me to the quick I could deal with it all but when it came to pregnancy and child related stuff i really began to wonder what was going on in his head. Not alot i fear.

I think you have had some excellent advice on here and dont really have anything to add other than i sincerely hope the baby does not arrive while he is away.

Do you think he will really go? My ex would have done. He was away on a lads last holiday in Tenerife when i gave birth to the twins at 29 weeks. I never forgot it. He couldnt get a flight back and saw them when they were almost a week old.

I really feel for you and am so sorry this is taking away all the lovely sparkle a pregnancy can bring. Your mum sounds lovely, keep talking to her. Keep excited it is a wonderful experience and please dont let him ruin it.

ninja · 05/06/2008 18:41

A friend was in Japan a week before his child was due (there was a VERY good reason...) but I can't say he enjoyed it.

Will your dp REALLY enjoy being away at that stage? Is there a male colleague with a child who can tell him that actually he might not want to be there?

Otherwise agree that after IS more important and you're right you don't want to be the one to force him and have him going on about it for ages!!

Saying that I was working up to dd's birth and was fine but lots of people aren't

PetitFilou1 · 05/06/2008 19:21

Rarebreed You are not seriously suggesting that it is a good idea for your mum to try and have a chat with him are you? Blimey I'd have fireworks in my house if my mother did that. This is YOUR mother, he will be immensely pissed off that you have been a)discussing the situation with her (obviously you have as she's your mum but men don't think like that) and b)'ganging up on him'. If someone was going to talk to him other than you it would have to be someone objective and independent and even then they probably wouldn't get a great reaction. Unless of course your dh and mum have a great relationship which seems unlikely to me!
I agree with everyone it is pretty poor that he is still planning to go. But you've had the conversation, he's stuck to his guns, is he going to change his mind now? I'd be talking to him about how things might change after the baby is born, how he is going to support you etc to get both of you a bit more prepared.

PetitFilou1 · 05/06/2008 19:23

Sorry didn't read that properly, you said they do get on well. But my mum and dh get on well and he still gets really annoyed if she tries to interfere in any problems we have. Just my opinion though....

star6 · 05/06/2008 19:27

rarebreed - I agree with that. Somehow set him up with a "cool" male with children. My dh still sometimes tries to act cool when his buddies (who are nowhere near having children and same age as us... i'm 29 he's 31) crack jokes or make it sound so great to be childless.
I try my hardest to get him around men with children as much as possible. And once in a while try to bring up the magic of a new baby and when it is first born...etc. That works really well.

Original poster
rarebreed · 05/06/2008 22:59

starlightmckenzie one of my friends asked if he would be using the 5 days holiday he has left for this year and add them on to the statutory 2 weeks paternity leave and he said.... no

We've just had a massive row. He says that he's still going and if i don't like it i should get out of HIS house (we bought together last year so half of this house is mine)

Every last bit of excitement about this pregnancy has been drained away now, how can i look forward to the future with our baby when he acts like this.

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tryingtoleave · 06/06/2008 00:19

Rarebreed, I think your dh will eventually realise how horrible and unreasonable he is being about this. I've been following the thread, but I didn't want to post because I don't think I'm particularly good at dealing with conflict. But, at this point, I can't resist any more. I would get a new birth partner and take the new birth partner to all prenatal classes. I would tell dh that I couldn't have anyone unreliable or uncommitted at MY delivery. I would maintain that position until he changed his mind about the holiday (which I expect he will do - but if he doesn't it is his loss. My dh was great at the birth but I was so much in my own zone that it could have been anyone mopping my brow.) It's really the only power you have at the moment.

Btw dc1 was born at 37 weeks, 5 days and the labour was 7 hours from start to finish. It is completely ridiculous to think that there is no way the baby will come early.

star6 · 06/06/2008 07:25

I am so sorry for you rarebreed. BIG BIG hugs to you! I agree with tryingtoleave - get a new birth partner ... or even a doula and that will not only make him realize, but also make you start to feel more excited about the pregnancy again and definitely give you a better experience at the birth.
well said flibbertyjibbet.
Do you two have friends in common? like couples that you feel comfortable talking with both of them? Perhaps they could gently help?
Or, even counseling? Although he doesn't sound like the type of man who would go...
has he read pregnancy books at all? I bought my dh "the blokes guide to pregnancy" and after reading that he stopped telling me that every time I was ill or tired was an "excuse not to have sex"... he became A LOT more sensitive and supportive after becoming more informed. Also, I started putting shows like "bringing home baby" on the television so that he could see how other women were throughout their pregnancies and how their partners reacted.
He's being a jerk. I'm so sorry. Spend some time with your Mum and good close friends this weekend. You need love and support right now.

largeginandtonic · 06/06/2008 09:06

I am so sorry rarebreed. You must get yourself some support and keep your distance form him. Do you think if you moved in with your mum for a while he would get the message? Not sure that would have worked with my ex and it would have been a simple case of out of sight out of mind.

He is being a stubborn ass and there is no excuse for his behaviour. Will he try and (or is he already) turn the whole situation round to being your fault? You must keep positive in your mind that you are thinking of the baby and yourself. Stress in pregnancy is no good thing and he must realise this.

What a terrible man to do this to you before the birth of your pfb

Upwind · 06/06/2008 09:38

This is horrible. Is it out of character for him to be such a complete arse?

I would be so angry at being told to get out of his house and that fishing was more important than baby I would be getting legal advice. I am really sorry. I would also let things lie with him for a bit because the situation seems to be escalating and it sounds like he needs to cool off. Can you and your Mum or friends do something to distract yourselves?

Libra1975 · 06/06/2008 10:11

I think someone is having trouble coming to terms with being a Dad however eager he appeared at first. I think you need couples counselling anyway to learn how to communicate better but that isn't going to happen quick enough to fix this. Therefore I think you should do what the other posters have recommended and find someone you can rely on and is as excited about it as you (sounds like a job for your Mum) to be there to support you during the birth whether he is in France or you are 2 weeks late.
Also do NOT get your Mum to talk to him. Use her as your support and not a go-between.

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