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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Do i ask him not to go? AIBU?

131 replies

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:26

Hi, i'm just looking for a bit of advice really, not sure if IABU?

OH has booked a fishing holiday in France, he will be at a lake which is about 4 hours drive from Calais.He booked the holiday along with a couple of friends about 9 months ago.

The problem is that i am now pregnant with PFB, and my due date is 2 weeks after he arrives back from France.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him not to go? I have a feeling he will go mad if i ask him not to, he's been looking forward to it for months etc. etc. He will probably just brush it off and say, no you'll be fine, you won't go into labour early

What would you do? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

vicsta · 03/06/2008 17:15

It is my EDD today (&Still no movement, damn!) and up until last Friday DP had to go away to work every week (last week it was Scotland, we live in South Wales). Not the same I know as neither of us had any choice, but I actually enjoyed the time on my own without DP fussing over me. We discussed what would happen if I went in to labour early & his employers were V helpful & supportive, but we didn't have much of a back up plan other than I get a taxi & go to hosp on my own while he found his way home(which was fine by me BTW), as DPs parents are on hols and both mine died many years ago. I wasn't bothered in the slightest as I 'felt' that labour was a long way off (and still is, hurumph), and I feel quite confident I'd be OK alone, I don't do well with people fussing around me at the best of times, but that's just me. Can you approach the subject the same way? i.e. 'I know you've got this trip planned and your looking forward to it, but can we talk about what happens if I go into labour while you're away?' That way your not asking him not to go, but are letting him know you are a bit concerned. Perhaps the more he thinks about the logistics of it all, he may decide he doesn't want to be that far away & even if he does decide to go, you'll feel better knowing you've made arrangements, just in case. If it was me, as I'm sure you've gathered, I'd wave him off with a smile and head home to a bag of M&Ms and a cup of tea. That said I do not think YABU in worrying about it.

aGalChangedHerName · 03/06/2008 17:16

Rarebreed do you want your Dh with you when you give birth to his child???

If you don't then let him go but if you want him there then he should be putting your feelings first.

I daresay the OP won't be able to go very far/do very much afetr the birth of her dc Shubiedoo but part of becoming a parent maybe? Being a grown up? Not getting everything your own way?

Seems to me that's what your dh wants Rarebreed

shubiedoo · 03/06/2008 17:17

We were living in Dublin so it was a flight to Manchester, but it was just a weekend, not a full week.
Good advice from vicsta... make plans together and maybe he won't take the risk.
But you could just as easily go two weeks over your due date!

Original poster

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:17

My mum had all 3 of us within a couple of days before/after our due dates, my dear Nan had a stillborn baby at 7 and a half months pregnant

OP posts:

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/06/2008 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shubiedoo · 03/06/2008 17:20

How far along are you now? And when is the trip? Could the doctor advise you at all if he thinks you'll go early or late?
Of course there are no guarantees, but given your mum's experience, it seems unlikely you'll go early.
It's a tough one, it really is, I can see both sides.
Good luck!

Original poster

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:24

I have made the odd comment over the past few months, he knows it is a concern of mine. It's the fact i have to ask him not to go that bothers me the most, the fact he hasn't even offered to stay/try and go earlier.

I'll speak to him when i get back from work tonight.

If he insists on going, what then? I suppose i'll just have to lump it.

OP posts:

Original poster

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:26

I'm due 21st September, he would be in France from 1st - 7th September.

OP posts:

Original poster

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 17:26

I'm due 21st September, he would be in France from 1st - 7th September.

OP posts:

StarlightMcKenzie · 03/06/2008 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

aGalChangedHerName · 03/06/2008 17:30

I hope you can make him understand how you feel and that he does the right thing and stays to support you. Let us know how you get on xx

shubiedoo · 03/06/2008 17:40

If he were leaving 2 weeks before, that would be unreasonable, but that's when he's coming back.
Just calmly say something like "you realise the baby could be early, how will you get back quickly?" without being confrontational.

bikerunski · 03/06/2008 18:54

Ask him how he'd feel if he missed the birth of his PFB. I hope he'd be gutted ! (no pun intended).

PortAndLemon · 03/06/2008 19:09

I would let him go (mind you, I recently encouraged DH to go trekking in Nepal arriving back when I was 38 weeks with Neglected Second Born, so I'm not the best person to ask). But if you are concerned then you need to talk it through with him. I think shubidoo's suggestion is a good one -- perhaps bring it home a bit more by saying "You know, around 5-10% of babies arrive between 37 and 38 weeks. How do you plan to get back quickly if I go into labour while you're away?"

Haylstones · 03/06/2008 19:33

Personally I might moan a bit but would 'let' dh go. He was invited to a stag weekend in Prague earlier this year on my due date and we both ummed and aahhed a bit before he said he'd better not go. Ds arrived on the Sunday so it was lucky he didn't go really but had it been 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after the due date I wouldn't have had a problem.
I do understand how you feel though, especially if it is your first (ds was my second, woul dprobably ahve felt differently first time!)

LenniEd · 03/06/2008 19:52

Slow down a little folks - rarebreed hasn't actually asked her DH to stay home and he hasn't refused - think its a bit unfair to berate him as irresponsible just yet. How many first time Dads think all babies arrive on time? Quite a few I would imagine given my experience with DH and BIL.

Shubiedoo's suggestion of being non-confrontational and talking about how he would get home sounds like a plan to me. Might also be worth getting hold of a copy of the Bloke's guide to pregnancy - so that he understands in man terms that babies can come early sometimes.

aGalChangedHerName · 03/06/2008 19:58

Should she have to ask him tho??

My Dh wouldn't have gone anywhere 2/3 weeks either side of my due date just in case anything happened because he wouldn't have wanted to.

I find other peoples DH's/DP's strange sometimes. I would not have wanted him to be hundreds of miles away.

Moomin · 03/06/2008 20:05

I'd be proper miffed that he hadn't offered not to go to begin with, but as someone else said he is a man and men sometimes need things spelling out to them, no matter how many hints you drop.

However, the time scale would lend itself to things turning out ok rather than it being a few days round the due date, so as long as he has an emergency get-back-home plan, I'd 'let' him go without making too much of a do.

He's probably a bit freaked out at how much his life is going to change when PFB arrives: men can often only see the negatives at this stage as they can't really visualise how much they will love the baby. It's easier for the mum I think as you are carrying it and you have all the hormones wanging round. He may be thinking this fishing trip is his last 'fling' and that's why he's being so pig-headed adamant that he wants to go.

Chances are if he stayed behind he would become extremely resentful if you didn't give birth 2 weeks early. He'll be pissed off, you'll be massive and grumpy and tired and you'll spend the time glowering at one another. As you said, you've got your lovely mum on tap and this should be a great opportunity to have her near, loll about, be waited on by her and watch girly crap on the tv.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 03/06/2008 21:21

My DH won't travel for a month before my due date. A friend of mind said that that month was critical for her comfort zones too.

Is is possible to ask your DH if there is anyway in the world that he can go on holiday a week or two earlier as you're suddenly feeling a bit nervous about it and then see what he says? That way it should be pretty clear that you're not trying to stop him going but are just anxious about the timing....?

Original poster

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 21:27

Thanks everyone for your advice, below is roughly how our conversation went when i got back from work...

Me: You know the baby could come early, even though its my first
OH: Right..
Me: So there is a chance that the baby could arrive while you are away.
OH:Right...
Me:So what would you do if she arrives early?
OH: I'd miss it i suppose.

OH:I cant believe you even asked me to stay at home, i've been looking forward to this for months
Me: More than you've been looking forward to the birth of your first child??
OH: YES

I can't even look at him at the moment, i just feel so gutted, i nearly called my friend to talk to her about it, but i feel so embarrased.

OP posts:

Libra1975 · 03/06/2008 21:59

Erm is there any chance he is one of the types of blokes who just likes to keep their real feelings buried deep?

She is your friend, talk to her this is obviosuly distressing you.

Original poster

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 22:01

I wonder if he has any feelings sometimes

OP posts:

aGalChangedHerName · 03/06/2008 22:26

Oh god i think your OH is a wanker!!! I am sorry but honestly??? I don't know what to say

You need to give him a kick up the arse!!

Is this the kind of OH you want for you and the kind of father you want for your dc??

Moomin · 03/06/2008 22:29

oh dear you must be feeling awful.

Is he generally like this (i.e. an unfeeling pig) or do you think this might be a case of the pre-birth heebie-jeebies that I wrote about in my last post?

PortAndLemon · 03/06/2008 22:43

Oh dear. He does sound like a bit of an arse.

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