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Original poster

Do i ask him not to go? AIBU?

131 replies

rarebreed · 03/06/2008 16:26

Hi, i'm just looking for a bit of advice really, not sure if IABU?

OH has booked a fishing holiday in France, he will be at a lake which is about 4 hours drive from Calais.He booked the holiday along with a couple of friends about 9 months ago.

The problem is that i am now pregnant with PFB, and my due date is 2 weeks after he arrives back from France.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him not to go? I have a feeling he will go mad if i ask him not to, he's been looking forward to it for months etc. etc. He will probably just brush it off and say, no you'll be fine, you won't go into labour early

What would you do? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 04/06/2008 12:28

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HarrietTheSpy · 04/06/2008 12:40

Sorry haven't had the chance to read all posts. I would ask him not to go. DD1 a week late, DD2 4 wks early. You can never gaurantee what's going to happen. I can't imagine how terrible I would have felt having to cope with either situation on my own - the labour, the hospital stay, the works. If you have another friend or relative who can help this might be a somewhat acceptable fall back option. But I have to say for me, the thought he MIGHT miss it would stress me out. I don't think it's the right thing for him to do, and I think you are within your rights to say it.

Original poster
rarebreed · 04/06/2008 12:51

It's the fact that anything could happen while he is away, i could be ill, and i would have to deal with it knowing he was so far away.
I sent him a text earlier telling how i felt and why i felt that way. He just replied 'i never set out to make you feel that way'.

I've said to him a couple of times that if he felt he couldn't handle being at the birth with all the blood etc. then he should tell me and i would arrange for someone else to be with me, but he insisted he wanted it just to be me and him.

My mum would be with me for the birth if i asked, no problem at all. But i don't want my Mum (in the nicest possible way).

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StarlightMcKenzie · 04/06/2008 12:58

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Toothyboy · 04/06/2008 13:03

I think it probably hasn't really kicked in with him that you're having a baby. I know that sounds ridiculous, but for women, it becomes our priority and rather all consuming from the moment we know we're pregnant. For men (and I know I'm generalising) it often doesn't become 'real' until the baby is born.

I don't think it's that big a deal that he said he's looking forward more to his holiday than the birth of his baby. He's being honest - he can imagine what the holiday will be like and how much he's going to enjoy it, whereas the baby is a complete unknown to him. That doesn't mean he doesn't want the baby and won't love him/her when they're born.

It might be worth putting a link to this thread onto the Men's Room topic to get a male perspective.

Libra1975 · 04/06/2008 13:05

It seems he is trying to communicate in his own way i.e he didn't mean to make you feel like that.

Whilst I agree with starlightmckenzie that you should reply I think saying so what are you going to do about it is a tad confrontational and with him it might get his back up even more.
How about.
"That is how I feel and I would like to discuss this together later on when we are not at work."

bikerunski · 04/06/2008 13:11

I'm with you on this rarebreed, totally on your side. I asked my DH for his bit of male opinion on this. Especially since I'd always assumed (rather than asked) that he was happy to be my birth partner.

His reply was "Why would I want to risk missing the birth of my first child?". He said even if he got freaked out by the blood and screaming he'd be in the corridor and wanst to be the first non-medical person to see it. Not the 20th person 2 days later.

If I were in your situation I'd ask him not to go, but so sorry you have to ask and that the issue of how important the baby is to you both has come up. Earlier this year I was in and out of hospital a lot with hyperemisis. Even though I was being looked after, DH missed his best mate's stag night (only 2 hours away) to spend visiting time platying Conect 4 with me. His decision entirely. I was truly surprised when he told me he wasn't going.

So sorry for you, I do hope you clear things up. Good luck.

vicsta · 04/06/2008 13:17

He just replied 'i never set out to make you feel that way'. . A statement I hear often and it makes my blood boil! You are (well, I never am) not suggesting he intended to do it, you are just explaining that you feel that way, just coz you do. Bloody halfwit blokes. Can you gently point out that he insisted it was just you and him, and ask (again, gently) if he's not available, who is going to help and support you through this difficult and special time? Honestly, I think he's having a mid-pregnancy crisis. If you are heartily sick of this softly, softly approach trying to coax him round to something you think he shouldn't need coaxing to, then start making plans to look after yourself. Find another birth partner or have one willing to be on stand by. After that, I really don't know what else you can do. Its really important to you, and I get that completely, but unless you can find a way to reach at least a compromise, you're both going to get more and more resentful. Perhaps you need to let it rest for a bit ?? and try again in a couple of weeks, but not if its going to eat away at you. I've got my fingers crossed for you that as the time approaches, he'll reconsider. I do hope so.

StarlightMcKenzie · 04/06/2008 13:21

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PetitFilou1 · 04/06/2008 14:57

God rarebreed just read this thread - I feel for you. I am on dc3 and dh is doing his utmost not to have any on-call or be away during the period I could give birth (he is a doctor and a workaholic but does love his family even though is away A LOT the rest of the time).

Having said that, the trip is one thing, your dh's general attitude is another. You really don't get much time to yourself once you've had children and having a bit of a last child free holiday is not a bad thing to do (though obv it would be nice if it were both of you going!) He is really going to have to adapt to parenthood if this is how he feels now. Can I suggest you read 'Babyproofing your marriage' I got it well after I had had my first two but thought it would have been really useful to read it before I'd had children (and for my dh to read.) It is quite funny as well.

Don't think text arguing is a good plan though. I'd either have another face to face conversation about what he expects life will be like once you've got a baby or write him a letter (sounds weird but really works with my dh as he seems to concentrate on it better and can't keep interrupting to defend himself the whole time!).

Anyway enough of the essay got to do the nursery run, good luck....

Libra1975 · 04/06/2008 15:43

I'm liking the letter idea or before you have a conversation with him write down all the points you would like to make so at least if you start to get angry or upset you have a reference point.

PortAndLemon · 04/06/2008 18:30

You didn't set out to make him feel that you are nagging or controlling or don't waant him to have any fun. But when you suggest that perhaps missing the birth of his child might not be such a hot plan, he feels that way. This is your fault because you are making him feel this way and are therefore being unreasonable.

He didn't set out to make you feel as though you and your baby are less important to him than fishing, that he doesn't really care about the baby or want to be at the birth. That you do feel that way is therefore your fault because you are choosing to feel that way and are therefore being unreasonable.

Hmmm... I feel there must be some inconsistency there somewhere if I could just put my finger on it...

staranise · 04/06/2008 18:48

Definitely wouldn't expect him to go. My PFB arrived three weeks early (two days after the mw told me it wasn't coming anytime soon). DH nearly missed it by a whisker as he was abroad to be best man at his best man's wedding. I had my BF with me jsut in case but would have been horrified if DH had missed it - as would he.

It's a different country, several hours away, personally I think it's unreasonable of him to go. I wouldn't risk it if you really want him to be at the birth and he wants to be there. If you're happy for jsut your Mum to be there, then that's a different matter.

HarrietTheSpy · 04/06/2008 18:50

i reckon your dh will be there in the end and very much humbled by what you will be going through. and wondering why he ever thouhgt he couldn't be there to support you, aside from considerations around how many people see the baby before him. (typing one handed with 1wk old dd with me.)

i agree it probab;y all hasn't sunk in. sorry it's just thoughts rather than any specific advice. good luck though. x

Libra1975 · 05/06/2008 09:43

Can I be really nosey and ask how last night was?
Hope it went well and you managed to talk to each other.

vicsta · 05/06/2008 11:16

Me too Libra! I really do hope you managed to talk xxx

star6 · 05/06/2008 11:25

I haven't read all of these posts but I'm on your side here... I wouldn't let my dh go. No way! Do any of his friends have children or wives who are pregnant? This was tough for us at first - I sought out people who have children to have casual conversations with my dh just to get him more used to the idea and think of it as more "normal"

Original poster
rarebreed · 05/06/2008 11:46

Hi everyone, talked to OH a bit last night, no shouting or anything. I think he was shocked that everything hasnt suddenly gone back to normal and that i was still angry/upset with him. I told him that this is something that is important to me so i am not going to let him just brush it aside, and i am not going to drop it. He was being overly nice to me, talking to the bump etc etc but still saying that there is absolutely no way that he is cancelling the holiday.

Whenever i say 'but the baby could come early, he just says 'but rarebreed it won't'

I don't know what else i can say to him really.

OP posts:
Original poster
rarebreed · 05/06/2008 11:47

Oh and thanks everyone for your help x

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Thankyouandgoodnight · 05/06/2008 12:12

My DH said exactly the same thing when I said that first babies often come late and that we have to consider that and that I felt that his mum's 10 day visit was planned too soon after the birth (12 days after due date) ..... he just said that I was being negative and that it wouldn't come late. It did. 12 days late. Interestingly - with DC2 due soon, he is not making the same mistake again and has told his mum in no uncertain terms that she is not to plan a visit and we'll let her know when is good after the birth .

margoandjerry · 05/06/2008 12:18

There's another point that he's not really registered though. Even if the baby comes late (likely), you'll be tired, stressed, miserable and could do with a little support.

And even if you're perfectly fine, it would be nice to know that he understands when you need someone there.

YABU. He sounds like a child. Big wakeup call when the baby arrives.

LazyLinePainterJane · 05/06/2008 12:34

Well, regardless of him saying he wants to be there for the birth, there is a chance that you might have the baby when he is on holiday.

And as such, you need to have someone else on standby who can be there with you when you give birth. If it was me, and DH had said that he was more excited about going fishing that the birth of PFB, then I would be making arrangements with someone else to be my birth partner.

As an aside, I wouldn't argue about DH going away for those dates, but would be very surprised if he would even want to go. There is no way he would want to miss the birth of a child.

MrsTittleMouse · 05/06/2008 12:41

There isn't someone behind the scenes whispering in his ear, is there? Just asking because when I wanted a "wedding" and DH wanted to sneak off to a registry office it turned out that a work collegue had been telling him all about his own wedding and how it was a complete waste of money and he didn't enjoy himself and he wished that his DW hadn't persuaded him into it.
Completely different situation than yours, but it could be that he'd be made to look under the thumb if he didn't go. Not that it makes his behaviour reasonable, of course. You will need his support at that stage of pregnancy, early delivery or no.

Alexa808 · 05/06/2008 12:53

Just saw your thread and wanted to ask the same Q as Mrs. TM: is one of his mates taunting him a la: 'Oi, you not allowed to go? Missus won't let'cha? First babe won't come early...'

If this was my dh I wouldn't press the point, just be a bit more snappy, less favours and withdraw a bit. IMO a lot can go very quickly in the last stages of pregnancy. How can he predict it? If you were my partner I wouldn't leave your side for the last few weeks/days.

The "What if..." would hang over me. I doubt I'd be able to actually enjoy the holiday knowing something could happen to you or baby.

star6 · 05/06/2008 13:03

yeah... then I'm sure you're thinking, what if I get him not to go, and then i'm late???
I agree with mrs tm and alexa - i'll bet someone is talking to him. Men are so easily influenced by their peers, regardless of their age. It's frustrating.