Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

It's a pity you didn't read all the OP's posts before writing your nasty comment because you assumed wrong.

A big part of the OP is about how her husband didn't deal with the kids at all. She said they were invisible to him. You read the OP twice and missed that?

Does it honestly make you feel good and superior to be so awful to a woman who gave birth a week ago and is crying and in pain?

I think that actually the birthing mother should be the main character when giving birth!
Posting to have a go at her twice makes you seem like a bit of an attention seeker yourself.

Im sorry you feel so traumatised by it all. But why did you have your children sit and watch . And film it .
All sounds mad . Do you worry about the trauma to them? Seeing you in pain and discomfort and so on?.
When you went in to labour and the plan was obviously not going to work you should have gone straight to the hospital.
The ambulance ppl did what they are meant to do.

OP did the children enjoy seeing their sibling coming into the world? Was it magical for them especially after the baby was out and they got to meet them? If they did have a good experience try and concentrate on that and forget the rest. It can't be changed now and you don't want them to look back at this time and just remember your upset and trauma. If you need to cry then do so in private now. Congratulations on your new baby.

"Not sure how to reply without sounding like a bitch" [to a new mother]

Maybe don't reply then? Because you come across very much as your username suggests.

But on the other hand she expected something that just isn’t feasibly with the current state of the NHS.

Not been through this.

However, earlier in the year I broke my leg and ankle badly and had to wait for an ambulance, lying in mud in the freezing cold while it got darker and darker. its in a dog walking area so quite busy. People kept coming over and offering to move me/ lift me up and I kept saying no, i don't want to make it worse, I'm in pain, please go away. My husband stood there like a grinning idiot and would have been quite happy to let some randomer drag me across the mud to what they thought was a more comfortable position. It was similar in AandE, I had to advocate for myself while he was all smiley with everyone. That is what he's like, usually its ok but on that occasion it was infuriating.

I’m really sorry you had this experience.

I would be doing what I can though to move on from it. Delete the video, explain the issue you had to your husband about him and then drop it. If you need to go to your GP to get some suggestions for counselling do that.

I do think I would personally rationalise this as a situation where things went a bit wrong and although no one was trying to muck it up, no one was at their best (apart from you and the baby). Husband and kids were probably very scared. Paramedics don’t deal with this every day and probably had no clue about dim lighting and phases of labour. No one was going to be at their best here.

Plus as adults I think we all have to realise that our choices do have consequences and having a home birth does come with risk of this sort of thing happening I guess. Maybe the 2 previous home births had lulled you into a slight sense of false security. Probably maternity services are not what they were (thanks tories). But even celebrities mange to have to get their partners to deliver on occasion! I’ve personally had 3 c sections which is probably your idea of hell, but I accepted the associated risks of that birth method when I took that decision. Just a bit of a shit throw of the dice this time for you, for which I’m sorry, but don’t let it ruin the next 6 months.

Exactly this!
I'm sorry that your birth didn't go to plan but they very often don't! My planned homebirths didn't happen....but at the end of the day having a healthy child was more important to me.

You need to find a way to move on with life and come to terms with the birth not going to your plan.....congratulations on your healthy baby and no complications.........things could have been very different.

I think it's very unfair of the OP to say her children were "invisible" to the paramedics. They were focused on the job they'd been called out to do. Assuming they weren't actively unpleasant to her kids, then I think it's a silly criticism. It was her husband's job to entertain/reassure them, not the medics.

Could you ask a professional to edit the footage? They’ll be able to pick out the best bits, soften the lighting, add some music etc and you’ll have the perfect video you hoped for. (Watching this back, rather than the footage you currently have, might make you feel a bit more positive about the experience).

Definitely recommend counselling through your midwife/health visitor to process what you went through. Having just given birth you’re in a vulnerable state at the moment and everything will be magnified. Counselling will help.

It was a challenging situation for everyone, your husband included. With the benefit of hindsight, I’m sure you’d both have done things differently. I don’t think it’s fair to judge how he behaved in such a bizarre situation. As soon as the paramedics arrived, most people would take a step back and let them lead. You’re expecting a lot of him to take charge and order them about. The whole thing must have seemed surreal to everyone there.

I think it’s just used to express agreement.

It sounds like a bad experience. I would agree about talking it through with someone if you can. Obviously with a home birth there are risks around things like lack of midwife availability. I hope you were told about this - I’m about to have a baby and will be in hospital because of previous haemorrhaging but I have to say I haven’t been told that midwife availability could be an issue for home birth when discussing birth options. In some ways a home birth appeals to me but in others it doesn’t - I would never want to be filmed but that’s just me.

Regardless, this is the bit that sticks out for me.

‘I have asked DH and he thought it didn’t matter because I was zoned out.’

That, to me, is horrifying. Your dignity didn’t matter to him. Your status as a person, not just a birthing vessel, didn’t matter to him. I’m not sure I could be with my husband if he didn’t have it in him to think to do some fairly basic advocating at that point or try to make the environment a bit nicer and more conducive to birth.

There were no midwives available when she phoned. They said they would come when they were, but she had the option of going in. They came when they were available, which was after the birth - meaning 4 paramedics and 2 ambulances were also tied up in the mess. It wasn’t to try to force her to go to hospital.

Yes, pile more pressure on an already overwhelmed system by complaining about people doing their job, but not living up to the unreasonable demands put on them by a woman who should have gone to hospital when she knew no midwives were available! The level of entitlement is staggering. Childbirth isn’t an instagram opportunity, it’s a brutal business, that in this case, ended with a healthy baby. The OP had an upsetting experience because her expectations were entirely unreasonable. I have far more sympathy for her three eldest children who were woken in the night and forced to watch their mother giving birth whilst being filmed! Absolutely unbelievable behaviour.

Im finding it very difficult to believe that anyone would plan a home birth with no plan in place as to what they would do if midwives weren't available or things started going wrong. Surely this would all have been discussed with health professionals prior to birth? I think you probably realise you were very reckless not to go to hospital when you knew the midwife wasn't coming. I also find it incredible that you think the paramedics should have somehow changed their behaviour to take into account your filming. You seem to be annoyed that they have ruined your video. They were there to provide emergency care for you and the baby, not be extras in a home movie.
Im glad you and the baby got through this safe. You have no choice now but to forget about it, acknowledge that things could have been done differently and enjoy your new baby. Your DH doesn't sound like he handled it well but could have been in shock or panic mode as the whole thing sounds chaotic. I hope your kids are OK having to witness it all.

Jesus crist what an unkind response. Exactly their job was to keep them safe not to watch her like a zoo animal making sure nome of their friends miss yhe show.
Part of their job is also to treat people with respect and kindness and it doesn't sound like their was any respect from anyone but the children.
Their actions will have actively stalled progression and their training should have covered that (though I suspect it doesnt).

Also your Mills and boon comment was wanky.

If you want a magical home birth then you need to privately finance every aspect of it and pay for the “what ifs”.

Those 2 ambulances were directed away from other emergencies.

I’m actually quite astounded at the level of entitlement here. The rest of us are grateful to be able to go to a hospital and give birth with a midwife.

Glad your baby is ok. However, if everyone did this, our NHS would collapse.

Well, it's my idea of hell to be filmed and have my children around while giving birth but women and families are all different. Your comment is really shitty.

So what this would mean in 2/3 hospitals Ive worked in is that there was nobody available in the allocated homebirth team to attend and so they sent out Labour Ward/on call staff when it was clear that there would be a BBA. They then HAVE to attend.

Why these staff couldn't have attended to care for the OP in labour would not have just been because there was nobody available. It would have been because someone (maybe those staff themselves) refused to attend to the woman in labour because they believe she should just come in.

This is often because not everyone feels skilled in that setting though. Instead of asking to strengthen their skills, they blame women for choosing it.

OP filmed the birth, yet she didn't like people watching her? It's a walking contradiction

Honestly it sounds like you and your DH were not quite on the same page regarding the reasons for a home birth. There seems to be a full expectation that a midwife would be available to manage the situation. There wasn't so the paramedics were sent - these are professions who deal with medical emergencies and decide whether an individual needs hospital treatment.

As you were 'out of it' by your own admission they spoke to the other adult in the room. They are not midwife substitutes, child care providers, or there to facilitate a family group video of the birth. You stated you wanted to video the birth and they supported you with that - but they are not lighting experts nor mind readers to understand your home birth preferences. Your DH should have been the one to manage that.

I don't understand the insistence of videoing the event or having the other children there. Sounds feasible if plan A went smoothly, but it didn't and it seems there was no real plan B.

But at the end of the day both you and the baby are well despite the 'horrendous' home birth. Just remember some mothers, and their babies, have full medical emergencies which might be more fitting for the horrendous description.

I think the paramedics would be very sad to see your comments OP. Two ambulances were sent for you and they delivered a healthy baby under somewhat chaotic circumstances and without it being their expertise. You say one of them was chuffed that it was their "first baby". I really don't think this is complaint territory.

Two ambulances and a number of paramedics for a chosen home birth is really a shocking use of NHS resources - how very lucky you were to have such support.
As for the video, well each to their own but even in quiet soft focus with candles and soothing music and the most beautiful vulva ever seen a birth video would be pretty horrible to watch.
Vagina on display whilst giving birth, well yes I think that is to be expected.

Homebirths, historically, have been cheaper than hospital births for the NHS and also cheaper in terms of post natal care.

The resources used here were a direct result of insufficient midwifery staff available to support homebirths.

But when giving birth, we all know full well that we can't expect our favoured scenario to play out. So we have plans B, C and possibly more. The issue here is that OP - and her husband - do not appear to have had plans B and C.

So the standard emergency team arrived, didn't exactly know what they were doing but presumably did what they thought best in the circumstances; husband could have been more sensitive, admittedly, but also seems to have been completely caught out a turn of events which should have been planned for.