Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

I can assure you I do not. I don’t post on social media, I live a quiet, private life and couldn’t even bear the idea of a church wedding because I hate being centre of attention, so we popped to the registry office. I wanted a low key homebirth with as a little fuss as possible like my
previous two.

I watched my
own mum give birth at home at the same age. I was the first person to hold my
brother and we are still close today. It also meant I didn’t fear birth when the time came for me.

We had done lots of birth discussion and watched videos to prepare them beforehand and they all had the choice of going to stay at Grandma’s instead. It was a decision made as a family, you speak like they were a forced audience. Lots of people choose to have other children present for a homebirth and it had been discussed with my
midwife beforehand. The children were and are excited and adore their new sibling.

I didn’t film my last births because that was just me, DH and midwives. I filmed it because it was a family event with the children present and will be nice to look back on in years to come. I don’t know why I’m even justifying this to someone so rude and unkind, but yes, my ‘story’ is my real, lived experience regardless of your judgement.

During qthe planning your midwives should have talked through what would happen if no midwives available. Mine did. Also what would happen if maternity unit was full.

On reflection it might have been a bad idea to wake the chdren up until nearer the time or even after, but hindsight is brilliant.

Homebirth ls are cheaper on resources than hospital births so I don't get why some people complain about them being a waste! Any woman might need an ambulance in labour.

Exactly. My idea of hell too, but literal, actual hell if something were to go wrong. 2 of my babies ended up in intensive care after birth, if i’d of had this bizarre set up they’d have died. OP should count herself lucky she has a healthy baby. I couldn’t care less if you think my comment is shitty.

I understand your feelings and also think that very often births don't go the way we wanted them to. With my first, I'd done a bunch of hypnobirthing courses and the start of labour was perfect - in hospital but relaxing, music, dark room. However, once it was time to push, the midwife on duty switched a light full on in my face and refused to switch it off, and the stress of feeling like I was being watched slowed labour right down to the point where my baby ended up having to be assisted out and had a hematoma on his head. For the second birth, I was adamant it would be better... well, my water broke and I was in agony for 24hrs before they induced because contractions weren't really starting and every move the baby made hurt me, and then in further agony with "dry" contractions with no water left. I then suffered for a further 12hrs before finally giving birth. No light in my face this time though. Oh well. It's ok to be sad and traumatized but also to know you have to just let it go. It's life, it doesn't always go to plan. But do feel free to send a complaint for training purposes, for sure!

Quite frankly; grow up.

you have 4 children you know everything doesn’t always go your way. You made a choice to have your child at home, the optimum conditions were not available for that you chose not to go to the birth centre. You chosen to ring the paramedics at home instead. You do not then get to moan about those medical professionals doing their job and that it didn’t match your NCT style vision.

I spent 4 weeks in NICU this year, watching mother in impossible situations desperately trying to look after their children, even though for some of them they nearly died having them.

You come across as ungrateful and entitled.

Hm I’m 50/50

I can see where other posters are coming from but OP didn’t want or need 4 paramedics and 3 midwives attending her. Women should have the right to birth at home and a midwife should have been available, which would have prevented this situation.

I also sympathise with the the way you were treated (no privacy or dignity, paramedic yelling to the man ‘quick you’ll miss it’ like it was a performance, not acceptable.) but sadly that’s commonplace with maternity care in general. I had a theatre birth in hospital and felt like a zoo animal. A friend gave birth in a different hospital and it sounded like they had different procedures and protocol in theatre that made it more respectful and dignified, so hopefully a bit of a shift is happening.

Sadly there is the attitude of ‘if baby is removed from you and you’re alive, be grateful’

Unfortunately not everyone takes a comprehensive approach to birth plans on either side of the desk. People have different ideas about what is reasonable to discuss and what is not. If you know your homebirth team honestly makes it out to 99% of labourers before they give birth, then it might be reasonable to not discuss the possibility that they do not.

The other thing is that you do or should be discussing what you'd do if baby came really quickly, but that still doesnt cover what happened to OP where she labourered at home for a significant time.

It's really not.
She filmed it for herself she didn't invite four paramedics in to surround her bed while she was there spread Eagle.
Watching something yourself is not the same as having multiple other people watching it.

As a midwife, I disagree that it wasn't about forcing her to go into.

OP ended up with 4 paramedics because she chose to birth at home, without midwife cover. It is a fact that with the current state of the NHS, it may not always be possible for the idea scenario to happen. She was given an option - go to the birthing centre, or have paramedics attend. She chose the latter.

Congrats on your new baby!

I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on.

Maybe I've missed something, but how were you planning to give birth with underwear on??? I'm assuming you'd planned to given birth downstairs, hence your husband had been setting things up including the tripod. You then took yourself upstairs, a paramedic bought the tripod and everyone else followed.

Maybe the change of room meant your DH didn't think to turn the main light off and just have a bedside lamp on? When you initially went up there, why didn't you just put a lamp on?

You seem to have idealised something that there was also a risk was never going to happen, no matter how "good" your previous births were Every birth is different .
I'm not sure why you are complaining they was 4 paramedics though to be honest, two in the ambulance for you, and two in a ambulance for the baby if potentially you had to be blue lighted to hospital. Why does it matter 3 were male?
This could have ended up in a medical emergency and you would have been grateful for the paramedics presence then.

It's not what they're 'given' it's how it goes - and you cannot always control it, however much you try and however much you want it.

Totes.

There was a real possibility something in your birth wasn’t going to go according to plan. Had you discussed this with your partner and talked through a few different scenarios…. Especially if you’re filming it AND having 3 kids there. It seems a really high risk plan. I think with hindsight paying for a man experienced doula to manage the situation with so many factors would be prudent. I know you can’t go back in time to change it now but in case anyone else is planning a home birth and reading this thread as research that would be my recommendation.

that said I think you need to accept your baby was delivered safely and take it as a win. That’s all that counts. Try not to hold it against your husband - he’s clearly not an expert / professional and was emotionally involved and not thinking straight either.

With the greatest respect, from the paramedics view, what a nice call out. Knowing what they had to deal with death, dying and pain on a daily basis, no wonder they felt more relaxed and chatty at yours. How lovely seeing a new life into the world. They’ll have gone home thinking how nice a day they have had.

I know from your perspective not such a great experience but don’t let it ruin your time now. It really isn’t that important in the big scheme of things. My mother’s friend’s baby got stuck at the last moment during a planned home birth and it didn’t end well for either mum or baby. No one is going to want to watch the video over and over again. Well done for doing well in the stress of it all and delivering your baby healthy and safely. Us humans aren’t well designed for delivering the size of babies we have so we’ll done xxxx

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed

No, it was definitely not your fault, OP - in no way at all! Your DH has admitted some fault and I think he’s right to do so. He should have been your advocate not ignoring you and chatting away to paramedics.

No, I don’t think you should have gone to hospital if there was no medical reason to do so. You were right to plan a home birth and you’ve had home births before so totally knew what they involved. Your issues started when you couldn’t get the midwives, then were compounded by your DH’s lack of advocating. When I had my home birth, both my midwives were community midwives not hospital ones so I knew they’d be there. I spent the majority of the time with a single midwife, and then the second came for the birth. The fact this didn’t happen for you isn’t your fault at all.

I absolutely understand your feelings because my subsequent birth was a hospital birth, which was stressful and horrid. I kept thinking about it a lot afterwards - for ages. Those feelings did recede gradually though. What I recommend is to accept that you weren’t to blame in any way. Then, focus on the positives (baby being healthy, labour not too long, your DC being darlings, etc) and every time you get a flashback to all the people in the room or something that was said, repeat the positives to yourself like a mantra. Don’t let the negative things ruin your positive, life-affirming experience xx

In your position I would edit the birth video as soon as possible to try to take out the more intrusive moments containing paramedics etc and images of you just exposed and labouring for hours, to create a short video of the important bits, such as your children around you and your baby being born. You can watch this a few times with the children and just try to put the other bits behind you. You’ve got years of beautiful experiences together ahead of you. There was a six year gap between my second and third child and it created a wonderful dynamic for the whole family.

It's really sad that so many women seem to not support birth choices. Some awful 'know your place' type attitudes.

I am very sorry you had such an upsetting experience. However personally I would not have gone for a home birth in an NHS that is on its knees to staff even basic services. It was probably quite likely the midwives wouldn't make it. For me that was the first mistake. But equally if it had gone well twice before I can understand why you opted for it again. The rest of it though is on your husband and the clearly inadequately trained/emotionally intelligent paramedics. Your DH should have been asking you what you wanted and helping get you that. The paramedics should have asked you if you were comfortable with them all there and/or if you wanted covering up. I'm glad your kids were kind to you and I'm so sorry no one else in the scenario was. But try to focus on your baby and take comfort in them, though you should take the time to grieve the experience that you wanted and didn't end up having. Congratulations on your fourth baby.

I agree with this - the birthing mother is still a human being and it is not necessary for four paramedics to stand around her gawping as if she is a display object. Only one is delivering the baby, that one plus an extra at most with the others nearby in the next room. I would take it up with PALs but in the form of “feedback for future training”.

I also get why with 2-3 minute contractions and on her 4th birth the OP stayed put - its usually safer at that point as births tend to get faster the more you have.

Not sure why PP complain that the midwife should have advocated - there was no midwife, that was the problem. The DH on his 4th birth should also have been less of an idiot.

OP: I agree with the PP suggesting talking to one of the staff experienced in birth trauma to see if that would be helpful. You may find after talking it through that you can put it behind you. Your DH needs to stop diminishing the impact to a labouring woman of finding her partner and advocate was the opposite.

Honestly, I had mine at home after the first and I always had a grandma there as an extra adult but mine are all quite close together in age. However we are all different and I know others whose children attended births.

Can't help but wonder whether the children were traumatised by watching all this , especially as their mum has been crying for the past week?

My happy and loved children really don’t need your sympathy.

I am not complaining about any medical professionals. That’s not what this is about. There was no malpractice. I am annoyed with myself for not making different decisions and annoyed with my DH for not protecting my dignity. I am annoyed there were 4 paramedics between my legs but my
DH didn’t suggest they shouldn’t be, so that’s not on them.

And I’ll say this again- I have never and will never post on Instagram, Tiktok, YouTube or anywhere else. I have an ancient FB account where I don’t even have my birthday showing, because I am very private. I don’t know where it says I was ‘filming for the gram’.

You had camera set up ..your kids in the room ..
That implies your happy having people present
I can't imagine having a camera set up to film me giving birth ,sounds horrendous,as does my children watching like it's some sort of snow
Poor baby
Birth should be quiet and calm and no-one there who doesn't need to be .
Your reaction to the birth after ... doesn't match how you set it up ,
The paramedics will of seen the camera ,and probably thought it was going on social media after .
Maybe you are feeling regret at your choices
But everyone who was there ,was there trying to help you x

I also don't think paramedics and ambulances should have been used for this.

I am however glad I'm not a video technician as I really wouldn't want to have to watch someone's birthing video.

Mainly, I'm glad that you and your new baby are safe and well as this is the most important thing.