Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

Why on earth is this thread still in Pregnancy?

@NadineMumsnet if you're still about, please move it to Childbirth. It has nothing to do with pregnancy!

There is no objective measure for “horrendous” it is an entirely subjective term where the subject decides for themself what is or is not horrendous.

There was more to it than a gap between reality and expectation, this 4th birth was the worst of all her births. Just because lots of women experience similar shocks, it doesn’t mean OP’s birth was not horrendous.

You have no right to impose your personal view as to what counts as ‘horrendous’, especially when it comes to birth trauma. I think the minimising on this thread is just awful.

In sum, you are not disagreeing with my view of what is or is not horrendous, you are arguing that ‘horrendous’ is an objective term where certain hard criteria must be met. As no objective measures exist for horrendous, you are literally acting like you are the authority who dictates to all women what birth trauma counts enough for them to use the word “horrendous”

I don’t want to debate this any more and I am not the language police.

However, births range wildly. Some go brilliantly well and others less so for a huge range of factors.

I’ve personally had two pretty grim experiences that I don’t enjoy remembering but when I put those into the context of all the other births I’ve personally heard about they were not the best and not the worst- while I would have described them at the time as horrendous and very far from planned I can see that in the scheme of things they were just on the slightly unluckier side of fine.

I certainly did not have as horrendous a birth as …. (Trigger warning) the C section where there was not enough anaesthetic, the one that ended in a fourth degree tear, the one that ended in several transfusions, the one that was to deliver a child that could not go to term, the ones that ended in very unwell babies, the one that took less than ten minutes with a baby at 30 weeks….. and this is just from my limited circle.

But I did have a more horrendous birth than others I know and I definitely felt both failed and a failure at the time.

I think when the OP is more able to rationalise this experience - which will obviously take time- she will have a more balanced view of it, that’s all.

Absolutely! I was asked several times if I'd consider having a homebirth when j was pregnant last time. My home wasn't suitable at the time and I ended up needing a few interventions so luckily I didn't go for one but it was encouraged as it frees up space at the centre and afterwards the ward.

Hi OP, my heart went out to you when I read your account.

I think you have answered more than enough of all the questions, accusations and criticisms on here. Please don’t feel you need to answer any more, you have enough on your plate. Can posters please remember OP has a newborn plus other children to care for, she will be exhausted, probably in pain from tearing or other birth injuries and is in emotional distress about her birth. OP has expressed humiliation from intimate exposure outside of her control and consent, which is deeply impacting and disturbing, especially as it involved male strangers. I know many of us including myself have had male medics attend us in birthing but this scenario is different as their observation was not discussed or consented, she even tried moving herself away. It is described as a crowding with paramedics calling to each other to come watch, brightly lit and fully exposed which dehumanised OP at her most vulnerable and made her feel like a zoo animal. She may need counselling and please remember intimate exposure outside of someone’s control and consent can feel violating and the emotional wounding in some cases can equate to sexual violence. OP needed an advocate to speak for her and protect her at her most vulnerable and did not have this. She is now trying to pick up the pieces.

OP you didn’t post on MN to answer critics but an anonymous outlet for what you went through and to try and find a way to move forwards. I apologise for the lack of care and compassion you’ve received on here and from your own DH. No one should be comparing you to other worse births and make you feel guilty for feeling sad/ tearful. Your experience is your own and your feelings real and valid. MN at its best is a supportive space particularly for those going through trauma and I think you deserved this. I’m sorry you’ve been let down on this post.

To those questioning and criticising OP please stop. Just stop. It is cruel and unkind to a woman who has just given birth and is emotionally struggling including being let down by her own DH. She is trying to find a way to heal and move on. If you have nothing supportive or helpful to say please do not post. Retrospective advice is useless OP cannot change what happened.

OP you are a brave, strong woman and will get through this. Congratulations on your beautiful baby and I hope since this awful time you have been to surrounded with love, comfort and safety at home with your new baby and family. The pain and disappointment will lessen over time but you may need help to overcome the sense of violation and humiliation and I would advise to speak to your maternity team who should be able to refer you for birth trauma support. I agree with another pp that it might be best to wait and let the dust settle before having another discussion with your DH so he can understand what you went through and the support you need.

MN please, no more criticism. Let’s support this lady.

This. I remember some NHS trusts really pushing them during lockdown. One area had a really impressive rate (think it was 10-15% of all births were home birth) for that duration. No negative effect on birth outcomes either. Seems like it’s gone the other way now, where it’s harder to access one.

You’re an amazing woman who had three healthy home births without medical assistance. You clearly know how to give birth!

You did nothing wrong. Basic social awareness should have kicked in with your husband and paramedics, I refuse to believe it needs medical training to see that a woman in active labour needs a quiet and soothing environment to focus on giving birth.

This is a good warning though for other women to explain the basics to their husbands about advocating on their behalf during active labour.

How can you disagree by saying that something obviously subjective is objective? Are you really going to rate someone else's birth experience?