Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

Seriously OP, did you really want your children to watch you and your baby in distress if something were to go wrong?! This is what I really can’t understand.

Clearly yes. She wanted her children present whilst she gave birth, and she didn’t want them sidelined at the birth. Reread if you aren’t sure.
personally I wouldn’t want ANYONE besides midwife. Unfortunately I didn’t get that experience last time, but everyone was respectful with my privacy and space.

Statistically it’s very unlikely things will go wrong at a planned homebirth for a low risk woman who has had vaginal births before.

And the OP has stated she had plans for her DC if things went awry.

You wanted and let 7 years old child- that’s year 3 in primary to see home birth?????!!!, with all the details in prime view???
is this actually real? I don’t believe it.

It’s really not that uncommon.

Well IMHO, I could give it a go, certainly with no less credibility than those accusing critical comments here of diminishing the OP’s experience.

To be fair for most of the global population it would be the norm

I disagree slightly with changing the title. Nobody was deliberately trying to hurt you, and physically you and baby are okay, but you were really let down and felt violated and dehumanised as a result. That sounds pretty horrendous!
Not to mention the totally unnecessary stress may have been the reason behind the placenta problems and subsequent hospital trip.
Yes, you probably could have mitigated some of it by being more prepared. Yes, it's a good idea to find a positive framing for what happened and I'm sure you will in time. Yes, other women have had worse treatment and worse outcomes. That doesn't mean you need to downplay what happened, especially so soon, while you're still processing and haven't even had an apology from your husband.
I'm really fed up with women being told they should shut up and be grateful because nobody ended up with any permanent injuries.
I hope your husband comes around. Is it possible he's feeling a bit guilty and just not dealing with it very well? I would go to a baby group if I were you. Around 30% of women find some aspect of their birth traumatic and most of that is down to how they were treated, so baby groups are a reliable place to find lots of women with similar feelings and experiences.

Im so sick of these threads.

I used to enjoy an evening when i had a spare a few hours reading posts,

But now, its all moaning and man hating and parent bashing.

Re having your kids there - I think its a bit... unnecessary. A lot of adults find seeing birth distressing and unpleasant, so unless your kids grew up on a farm I think it would be a bit of a shock. Also, do they generally see you naked? Some families are relaxed about this but if your normally cover up this would be another shock.

I remember watching a video of someone giving birth - I was 20 - and honestly, i nearly fainted. It was bloody, gross, and shocking - nothing like what I've seen in films. I would not subject my kids to this.

Yet many of my midwifery colleagues decided to be midwives after seeing their siblings being born.

It definitely depends on the child though. My DD wouldn’t be traumatised by it, but she wouldn’t be interested in being present either.
My DN (10) though, would be a brilliant birth partner! She is already a mini midwife.

Yes but I doubt their mothers carried on like the op, more likely the siblings arrived quickly and it was an all hands on deck situation, a happy one too.

Why would you want your children to see this?

Wow, that's cool. I'm just speaking for myself, and maybe my family was way too conservative so seeing real life in all its gory details was a bit of a shock. I did say it depends on how the OP's kids were brought up.

Carried on? What a weird thing to say. By all accounts it sounds like the OPs birth was quick, and it was definitely an all hands on deck situation (more so than it needed to be)

I now a few people who are farmers and their kids are very matter of fact about facts of life. My townie son, on the other hand, would probably faint if he sees bloody baby popping out of a cow's "bum".

I have attended many births where the children have been around, either 100% present in the birth space, or in the home somewhere, or in and out of the birth space.

Sometimes having the children/child present has slowed birth down, and once they leave the space the mother births very quickly.
Other times, having the children/child there really aids the birth physiology.

I have yet to see a child appear traumatised by what’s happened. Mostly they act like it’s a really normal event, take themselves off to a seperate space if they are overwhelmed or not enjoying it, or they are in complete awe of the experience. Completely depends on the child and situation.

You did not mention that it might help her move forward. You asked if she had thanked them in a condescending, bossy tone as if she was expected to obey you and feel grateful. You've been vile on this thread to a new mother and you should really think about your words. And you're not sorry at all "Lady" Tangerine.

"Never bother arguing with someone who is committed to misunderstanding you" has never been truer than on this thread.

"I can't understand why you've had children" is another pearler. Really? So much privilege. Do you think everyone in the world births in a hospital? Or wants to. Look outside your bubble.

I think your husband is right. You have a healthy baby that is what is important. Baby blues is probably why you are feeling so down try not to fixate on your less than perfect experience and rejoice in your perfect baby

It is fucking disgusting that Mumsnet have allowed many of these comments to stand. They can never claim to be a female centred site while they allow women to attack each other like this.

When it comes to PTSD from birth trauma, what defines ‘horrendous’ is not any objective criteria or the opinion of an outside observer like you or me.

People don’t have to have almost died or their baby almost died to develop serious post-birth PTSD.

OP is not wrong to call it a horrendous birth. It should not be offensive to anyone.

Horrendous is used by people to describe a bad day at work, or getting stuck in traffic. It isn’t some sort of reserved word that can only be used if certain criteria are met.

OP,
I don’t think they are right at all. It is a real shame that they have made you feel guilty enough to change the thread title.

Disagree.

I totally understand that the OP found her experience distressing because of the gap between expectation and reality. This is hard and something a lot of us have experienced (with some shock because of the gap) while giving birth. I still feel disappointed by my own labours and upset that they weren’t as I would have wanted, and in one case that one of the midwives was just awful.

Nevertheless by any objective measure this was not horrendous- (many) medical professionals were on hand, the mother and baby are well, the placenta was safely removed after initial difficulty. The support may not have been what was wished for but it was there. Baby was born at home as was hoped for.

Yes, I wasn’t clear another poster had a similar question to yours.

Why would the paramedics have to 'instinctively' know what the OP wanted? They could have asked her.
OP stated she was ‘out of it’ which is normal during childbirth in my experience and so just asking her is not really a solution. It is well studied that the majority of in active childbirth are unable to effectively advocate for themselves, which is why birth plans, birth partner classes, and paid birth doulas exist today.

They could have asked her husband. Ideally, her husband could have managed the situation and not allowed people to stand around chatting while his wife was struggling.
The example I gave is one where if asked I would have said yes, my DH would likely agree it a good idea too. But in the actual moment it was absolutely not what I wanted and the emotions I felt were unpredictable even by me and also very strong gut feelings.

So the idea that her DH could have/should have known exactly what the OP was feeling and then exactly what she needed in those minutes when she was feeling new and overwhelming feelings of vulnerability, exposure, and isolation is unrealistic and unhelpful ime.

Yes OP was struggling, but it was an internal struggle that was invisible to anyone but herself. In childbirth a lot of the internal emotions are masked when you are in the ‘out of it’ stage of labour.