Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

This is awful. I am so sorry that you had such an appalling experience. Yes, all the adults were selfish idiots. They should be ashamed. The detailed description you have written is very useful - you should consider using it as the basis for a formal complaint regarding the paramedics etc.

I have to agree with this.

And I think if I had watched a birth as a child I would be traumatised for life. I was very fortunate and all 3 births were all at hospital but very calm, vaginal, no drugs etc blah blah. But I would never have wanted a young child to see that. It’s too much. As an adult we think about the ‘Beauty of birth, of life’ but a young child sees the most important person in their life, in pain. That’s not right.

I think you need to find someone to talk through your experience but I think you have unreasonable expectations from your husband (he seems clueless, yes but also unprepared) and particularly the paramedics. Try and move on.

I can’t believe you got your children to watch that. Way to traumatise them I guess 🤷‍♀️
No idea why you didn’t immediately go to hospital as now 4 paramedics who could have been attending emergencies were tied up waiting for you to have your on-camera birth.

Home births aren’t the candle lit intimate experiences women imagine so it’s kind of expected that you won’t get that.

I had unplanned home birth, at one point I had 6 people in the bedroom and my partner who I needed to be with me holding my hand kept disappearing out the room constantly! Obviously because I hadn’t planned it I had big light on on the bed, mattress ruined ect It wasn’t in any way something I’d want to re live but the memory of it all massively faded in time for me and I’m just really thankful these people came to help my baby come into the world safely xx

Congratulations on your new arrival.
Honestly it sounds as though you were lucky before to have perfect births and because this one didn't go to plan you are struggling and should probably speak to midwife/health visitor. The fact you mention things like a big light being on instead of dim lights makes it sound as though you are fixating on minor details that really had zero impact on the safe arrival of your child. The paramedics were also not there to interact with your children.
The 4 paramedics as you say yourself 2 were there for you and 2 for the baby - if there had been any urgent care required for baby at birth (cord tangled etc) and baby needed immediate attention I don't think you would have been happy they were sat downstairs having a coffee and biscuit and they would probably be sacked for neglect.

Sounds really crap - sorry to hear you experienced this. Is there a way you could edit the video, perhaps play music over the parts with your husband wittering on, cut out the worst parts, maybe zoom in on you and the baby at the right parts to cut the adults out some of the shots? Could you even black and white it so that it's not showing the scene in full big light glare? If that's possible it might be a bit healing to re-watch a nicer version?

Sorry have to agree with the person that said 7 NHS staff attended to you at your home , beyond selfish . And you have the nerve to moan about it 🤦🏻‍♀️
Births don’t always to go to plan, after having 3 previously you should know this .
No sympathy here I’m afraid .

I can totally sympathise. My second home birth was attended by a midwife who seemed to have gone into the profession because she wanted to see women in pain. I was vulnerable and didn’t know how to cope with her. At the time I was so disappointed - I wanted to have a lovely “birth story”.

Bear in mind the hormones of pregnancy and birth can massively magnify the feelings of importance we place on the “little things”. A bit like how everything is life and death to teenagers. Try not to hold on to it, it’s not what’s important.

The ambulance workers in your case were not midwives and they didn’t know how to be midwives. They did their best. Your husband sounds like he didn’t know exactly what his role was supposed to be - so unless you had previously given him specific instructions that he ignored, you might be better to forgive him too. The midwives were not sure you wanted privacy because of the camera set up and if you hadn’t told them beforehand, it sounds like they acted at the moment you let them know.

I’m sorry you’re so upset by this, and I hope you manage to leave the disappointment behind and move on with your healthy and beautiful new baby. If you can’t, I think the suggestion of working through it with a midwife trained in traumatic births is a great idea. Good luck!

I'm not sure what you're so angry about tbh. Childbirth can be unpredictable, especially homebirths, and everyone was reacting to the situation not knowing what was going to happen, e.g. you're complaining the paramedics followed you upstairs - well of course they were going to because you may have been having a medical emergency and they would be needed to help you or the baby. It is standard practice to send 2 crews, one for mum and one for baby. Only now with hindsight you are looking back and getting annoyed with how people reacted when you know the outcome but at the time no-one knew how it was going to play out. I'm not sure why you still filmed the birth when it didn't go how you planned at all or why you had your children involved when it all sounded a bit chaotic. I'm sorry the birth didn't go as you planned it but that often happens and it's good that both you and baby were unharmed.

I appreciate that hormones will be playing havoc with your mood though so definitely talk to your HV or GP about how you're feeling about it all. I definitely don't think you should be snapping or angry with your husband though, he was probably terrified at the time and did his best, like everyone else who was present did their best too under difficult and unpredictable circumstances.

I don’t think that’s fair, childbirth is a brutal, messy, unpredictable business and sadly, women can and do die. Our NHS is stretched to breaking point, and if the OP wanted some sort of magical, fairytale birth, which is wholly unrealistic in my opinion, then she should have booked a private midwife. It was her fourth child, she’s not a new, naive mother.

As for filming it and having your other children present?! I have absolutely no idea why anyone would want either of those things, I don’t know any woman who would want to watch themselves giving birth, even if it was as straight forward as it’s possible to be. A 14 year old does not want to watch their mother giving birth, and any younger children would just be traumatised by it. We don’t have to share everything with our children.

It isn't hatred. Most of the posters have wished OP & her baby well. But we all know that resources are desperately overstretched. That people die because no ambulance is available. That even maternity units are understaffed so home birth services can be scant.

Also many people on here has been through traumatic births despite taking every precaution. OP and baby are safe and well. I can't even remember my ds' birth. We've all weighed up the odds and many chosen births that were not necessarily our first choice, on safety grounds.

I genuinely hope op feels better soon and is able to get her dh to understand her disappointment.

Also can you imagine if something had gone wrong and all the paramedics were downstairs having a cuppa? There would be uproar that they weren’t present.

I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience. I would write and give feedback and ask to have a debrief. The PALS/PASS service at the hospital may be able to support you with this. I also had a home birth that went wrong and I found the debrief experience therapeutic, and they agreed to learn from what went wrong and make changes to how they support home births in future which didn't help my experience, but I felt better knowing that the same thing wouldn't happen in future. I spoke to the head midwife a few days after birth and was also invited back to speak to a consultant obstetrician a few months later, but I think you'd also want to speak to someone from the paramedic service too. It's probably best to frame it as feedback and learning points, rather than as a complaint which might not lead to such an open process as I benefited from.

Paramedics are jacks of all trades (meant in the best possible way). They don't attend many births, so it makes sense for them to prioritise training on the most likely cases they will attend. We have specialised maternity services avaliable, the OP chose not to use them.

It's this sort of response I find fascinating - the implication that no woman can ever have anything they expect, they just have to put up with whatever they're given, including professionals who treated the OP like a training doll and an opportunity for excitement and a husband who paid zero attention to her needs. The whole situation was messy but the things that the OP is upset about aren't over the top or unreasonable IMO- it genuinely 100% isn't unreasonable for a woman who is going through one of the most difficult human experiences to expect the grown adults around her to look at her and take her feelings into account. The fact that women have been trained to accept the most steaming plates of shit when they're at their most vulnerable makes me so angry.

Midwife here -

When i get the opportunity to go through a birth plan with someone, I always plan for several eventualities:
Elective section -
Emergency section -
Homebirth -
Birth Centre -
Labour Ward -

What people often find is much of what they want can be facilitated in any of these settings. For example, there are some hospitals that can theoretically offer a waterbirth in any room (mobile pools) regardless of how much monitoring you need (waterproof, wireless CTG).

What is important to establish is how they are going to advocate to ensure these things happen in the moment.

It sounds like you didn't have a plan for the possibility midwives cannot attend in a timely fashion which is something I mention for homebirths. A lot of women say "oh I'll just go in", but in the moment, when they actually feel safe and comfortable at home, it seems like the worst idea. So I encourage them to think about that scenario and we go through safety and again, how to ensure the most important things still happen.

Do speak to someone and maybe request talking therapies.

Not sure how to reply without sounding like bitch. So I do apologise for this.

You do need to focus on the positives. Your baby and you are physically healthy. That is absolutely not a given, but you have it.

I am concerned about the trauma and chaos that your 3 elder ones witnessed. I cannot imagine why you wanted them to see childbirth. And a week of sobbing.

I also can't understand why you felt vulnerable when paramedics were round you asking questions. They were there to help you and they did help you. I'm also not understanding why you were complaining that they were desperately trying to find staff. You must know that NHS staff are stretched to the max?

I do think your use of state resources was quite hefty. You had 2 ambulances, several paramedics and 3 midwives. They were all there to help you, despite this being a hugely disproportionate use of resources by one birthing mother. Had you been in hospital, you might have got part of the attention of one midwife. I honestly think that if you want a home birth, you should have to fund private staff. You have received thousands and thousands of pounds worth of resources and you are complaining about noise? And normal chatter?

I honestly cannot understand what you are complaining about. A lot of people came to help. They helped. It was busy and noisy, that is to be expected.

Your husband hasn't done anything wrong. I'm not surprised he is really pissed off.

I am not trying to be a bitch, but try to move forwards.

I think you were being quite naive to have expected and wanted your children there and to video something that will always carry risk as a ‘magical experience’. There was always going to be the chance of something going wrong and of something not living up to the vision. At this point it really sounds like you were thinking of a story for instagram rather than whether it was really what was a good idea for your children or for you.

I genuinely can’t imagine why you’d ever want to watch back a video of a birth. There is a reason our hormones make us forget quite a lot of it. Watching it when you’re post partum seems to be an especially bad idea. They often say to wait 6 weeks before having a birth debrief.

Yes, you’ve got it exactly- I wanted them present and not to be shooed away or sidelined by everyone else. I think it reads that I expected the professionals to be playing board games or reading stories with them. No, they were quite happy with their books and chatting amongst themselves but were all sat in the corner and I’d have liked my DH to chat with them as well as the paramedics. In my head, I’d have midwives and the children would have my DH. I should have considered the real possibility of no midwives being available, or made the journey to hospital on the night.

Absolutely this

But you were told there were no midwives but you chose to stay at home. So at that point your ideal birth went out of the window either way. You seem to have created a very idolised scene of giving birth with your children there and filming it. Did you continue to film even when you went upstairs?

There’s your answer then.

Congratulations on your baby OP

I think it's impossible when in the throes of labour, to expect you to organise everyone present. The paramedics could have waited downstairs to give you more privacy.
I do think your husband could have advocated a little better for you- that's what a birth partner's role is- as well as providing support. He was unreasonable to 'strop' like he did. I think you're entitled to a 'strop' for yourself!
Once the midwives arrived, they should have sent all but essential staff away.
I'm sorry it's spoiled the experience for you- it's hard when labour/birth doesn't go as you hoped. Please speak to the midwives to organise a de-brief.
And enjoy your baby