Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

I’m so sorry you had this experience. I had similar (planned home birth, no midwives made it) and they sent two ambulances, but they stayed in the vehicles apart from one paramedic. Even that felt a bit much and I locked myself in the bathroom at one point for privacy!

I think you should complain so some training can be given.

I also remember the paramedic wasn’t being especially helpful (going push push push like it was a movie, at a point when I needed to slow down and not tear) but I let him off as it was his first birth, and he was so chuffed with himself after. I suppose it helps with the training! In my experience paramedics are lovely people who want to help. Maybe trying to frame it that way in your mind could help you process?

That sounds awful. One problem with home births is that you can’t guarantee there will be a midwife free to attend. Your husband also didn’t understand his role or fulfill it as your advocate if no midwife present. I think expectations of births are often unrealistic. Mine was and I was a GP. They can be chaotic and messy. In time it will seem less important.

I’m so sorry to hear that you had an experience like that. I think it’s totally valid to feel that way, you had a vision and it didn’t materialise for you. It also sounds like you needed someone to advocate for you and that didn’t happen. In your position I would feel let down and disappointed as well.
I’d be happy to chat further if you wanted to DM me, I’m training as a birth story listener,
am a Hypnobirthing teacher and Doula and understand how important a birth experience is. Otherwise it may be a good idea to find someone else who works with birth trauma to talk to.

@Moltenpink I was going to say perhaps paramedics need some more training around birth if mother and baby are both well it’s not an emergency then they need to approach the situation in a more hands off and private manner. Perhaps someone explaining to them that if Mums feel observed they are less likely to produce oxytocin and therefore more likely for labour to slow down or stall and problems to arise?

Your husband sounds appalling. The midwives should have sent everyone else away from your bedside at the slightest indication from you. But I think the fact that you had a camera set up and children there might have given the impression that you weren’t too bothered about privacy.
The only adult who should have been paying attention to your other children was your husband- what was the plan for them?
I think many of us would have felt very uncomfortable with that many people around at a time when you need quiet in order to focus. Am I understanding that midwives didn’t get there till after the baby was born? The paramedics are not specialists in managing births, and their training probably tells them to stay with you.
Its very hard when you don’t get the birth experience you wanted or anticipated, but realistically, the important thing is that you and the baby were safe. It can feel very overwhelming to have all things happen to you when the whole point of a home birth is to have things more under your own control.
If you think the paramedics should have done things differently, you could feed back, but I think your DH bears some responsibility for failing to advocate, and also that you should have arranged someone to be n hand to support your children. There’s always a risk element in giving birth, and had you needed to be whizzed off to hospital, someone would need to be there for them.
Your baby is here safely, you are safe, it sounds like you now need some tlc, and DH isn’t up to providing that. Hopefully there’s someone else in your life who can do that.
Congratulation on the birth of your new baby.

I'm so sorry @Lookingfortheanswers , that sounds really traumatic. Has your husband watched the video back? I would recommend complaining to PALS, see if you can have a debrief and some counselling.

Your husband needs to actually understand how traumatic this was, rather than getting defensive, that is a pathetic response.

He may understand through an analogy. What if he had had a traumatic injury in the home, your DC were present and worried paramedics arrived and you didn't send the children off and comfort him, but instead laughed and joked with the paramedics.

If he can't 'get it', that is unforgivable, he has broken your trust. As for the HCPs, having had 3 DC myself, i don't find at all surprising, unfortunately. You need some urgent counselling with someone who will get it and put you at the centre of the experience.

Then you can check in with your DC and make sure they are OK, but get yourself sorted first, as it won't be helpful until you are feeling better.

I’m sorry you had to endure that. I do think you need to talk this through with a midwife trained in birth trauma. Your hospital should be able to provide this. Your experience might help to train staff so other women don’t experience the same.
I also think your husband was an arsehole and is now being defensive as he knows he didn’t support you and your children. I understand how vulnerable you felt on that bed with an audience whilst also being concerned for your children. Talking it through will help you to maybe reframe things and move on; to make your husband understand that he was actually not the support he should have been to you and your children.
It’s a long time since I had cracked nipples but I’m sure someone will be along with good advice to help.
Try and concentrate on your beautiful baby, rest and recover. Your husband should be helping you now so that you can rest. Sending hugs.

You seemed to have some sort of ideal/dream birth set up in your mind. You can't plan for a birth like that and you were setting yourself up for disappointment.

I don't understand why you'd want your children to watch you give birth and I definitely don't know why you'd want it on video so I won't comment on those because they were obviously your wishes. I might recommend deleting the video though as watching it back will only upset you.

But you're angry at your husband for speaking to people?
You're angry at the medical staff for doing their job?
You're angry that someone was happy they'd delivered their first baby?
You're angry that the paramedics weren't interested in your other children?

All of these things seem irrational to me. You built it up too much and that only leaves room for perfection or disappointment. You have a beautiful new baby, try and leave the birth behind you.

I think you had an ideal in your head and the reality was far from this. Your husband could have done better. The paramedics job was to keep you and your baby safe. They did that.

I also agree that you or your husband should have made arrangements for someone to take care of the children while you were in labour.

At the point where there were no midwives available for a home birth, which can obviously happen, I would have gone into the hospital to be honest.

It sounds like you didn't have a back up plan in place for if things went wrong and you couldn't have your dimly lit, children witnessing calm home birth. Birth isn't predictable and it went a bit wrong - but you and baby are both safe and well. Honestly the children should have been sent off to their rooms when it started getting chaotic but I agree your husband was a bit of a dick by not focusing on you and forgetting your needs - but he was also in a stressful and chaotic situation and I wouldn't necessarily expect him to send the paramedics out of the room when they were the only medical professionals present.

Paramedics deal with emergencies and are not geared up for the hands off approach.Why did the midwife not advocate for you?
Why did your husband decide to be one of the lads?
It's a messy unpredictable business and the goal for the paramedics is a live baby.Did you perhaps get over invested in this being the perfect, final home birth.

(I've asked Mumsnet to move this to Childbirth since it's not really a thread for the Pregnancy board)

What an awful experience. I felt like I was right there with you as you described it. How thoughtless of them and how humiliating for you. I had a similar experience in hospital...my placenta wouldn't come out...I was rushed to theatre to have it removed. I was there covered in shit and blood feet on stirrups with about ten medics in the room. I felt utterly exposed and vulnerable. Then two of them starting arguing pettily about who would do the aftercare for me. I felt like they didn't even see me as human.

Your experience and feelings are valid, even if your husband doesn't think so. Can you try and explain to him again why you felt so dehumanised and that you now feel robbed of your experience? Those paramedics sound awful. I must say I've had similar experiences too- at my first home birth some midwives arrived and starting eating their fried chicken takeaway in our living room. It was so far away from what I wanted but I was too mortified to say anything. And I once had a heavy clot after birth...a male paramedic arrived and explained to me that it was from my vaginal stitches. I couldn't be bothered to try and explain to him that he was medically wrong- the clot came from my uterus. He was so patronising and so clueless and it felt scary that I had to rely on him for medical care when clearly he knew very little about women or women's health.

Paramedics are there to provide life saving treatment and assistance . Their priority was to keep you and the baby medically safe, not to perform a wanky Mills & Boon birth for your camera setup.
Did you ask them if it was ok to be filmed doing their job!

I’m sorry you didn’t get the birth you wanted.

In defence of maternity services they did say they couldn’t guarentee midwives would get there and gave you the choice to come in or risk having call an ambulance. Two paramedics crews will be dispatched to a birth because they need a crew for Mum and one for baby. The issues with paramedics is they’re not midwives, they deal with emergencies and they don’t have the knowlegde or skills to allow for a more hands off manner as they’re not specialists in births so can’t as easily spot when things are about to go wrong and they don’t have the back up hospital based midwives would have.

I am little confused by if you wanted your children there or not. What was the back up plan for childcare if you needed it.

I think when birth doesn’t go as you wanted you feel let down, this is worse in your vunerable state but birth often doesn’t go to plan.

Whilst I agree they are there as paramedics.If anything goes wrong and they're downstairs engaging with the op's other children they're going to be in trouble.
Life is messy, birth is certainly messy and things don't always go to plan.

I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy

I truly hate this. You matter too. Nothing you are feeling is wrong.

Part of this is just really bad luck unfortunately but your husband is a terrible, terrible advocate for you.

The video and letting your children be in the room watching gave everyone the wrong impression. Honestly, a video of a birth sounds horrendous anyway. I'd question who that video is for and why you wanted it.

That doesn't excuse your Hs behaviour. He should have advocated for you. However he can't undo that. What can he do apart from apologise?

You did chose a home birth, aware that the midwives may not have been avaliable and the associated risks. Are you more annoyed at yourself than anything?

Congratulations on your new baby.

Now is a delicate time, be kind to yourself and those around you. I would not try processing this just yet, it's too raw. Let time pass. Just be.

I built my 4th birth up to be something I expected to be wonderful. I felt I knew what I was doing and my final birth would be idyllic. It was my most traumatic birth, for me and DH. This was 11years ago now. DH and I periodically discuss our mutual upset and trauma from that day. We acknowledge our feelings and we quickly reached a point of acceptance. It wasn't how we wanted, but we cannot now change that.

Something very important to do now is to talk to your children. They will likely be holding trauma from that day that they might be too afraid or ashamed to talk about. Don't talk with blame. It's not anyone's fault. But give them a safe space to disclose if they felt frightened or confused.

Don't watch the video again. You don't have to decide to delete it just yet, but don't watch it.

It ‘shouldn’t’ be this way , but I think you’re really lucky to have experienced two births that were ideal to you. Most women due to poor maternity services/staffing/medical problems end up with a less than ideal experience (to say the least). I’m not saying that’s right of course.

It sounds like an awful experience but, strangely considering you had already birthed 3, expecting a "magical" experience was rather naive. Childbirth is brutal and very dangerous for humans.
I also don't think it's a suitable viewing experience for children (although I'm sure in other cultures it's fine!). They've seen you in extreme pain, "out of it", like an animal - the average British child would have been scared, I think.

If you didn’t want so many eyes, you or dh could have spoken up. when you did, everyone obliged nicely. I understand you were out of it, but you invited dh and kids, so that’s already four, and for a birth it’s always two , so another 4. That results in a lot of ppl which you seemed you wanted there and only realised after when it was too late?