Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

I could really feel your pain and vulnerability reading this. You were delivering a child and unable to properly advocate for yourself and your husband should have done so, it was crass and voyeuristic behaviour from the paramedics, it sounds totally intrusive, disrespectful and unprofessional the way they handled it and you weren't in a position of power or capacity to set it right and just had to put up with it, it was a loss of dignity and your husband should have been right beside you supporting you, asking what you wanted and needed. I am the first to say to people don't plan for a certain type of birth, don't dare to dream because it rarely pans out how you want and yes I think the home birth surrounded by the kids probably wasn't ever going to be quite as peaceful and magical as you'd hoped however the actions of the paramedics and your husband really made a bad situation worse. How could noone offer you a sheet for your dignity and ask whether you wanted all these needless useless medics in the room??? They weren't delivering the baby so what the fuck were they doing there? Did they ask consent to watch? How utterly awful for you OP. Believe in yourself though, you got your baby here and you will be able to move on from this experience and process it, it doesn't have to damage you for life. I think you really need to speak to your husband though, he's let you down very badly

Yes in this situation the op should think well there were more hcps than ideal but how great the nhs stepped up and she was well looked after.

I don't understand why women go to such lengths to argue that other women don't deserve a basic understanding of a very vulnerable situation. Of course paramedics don't do 'lowlight and whale music' - the reference to whale music is intended to be deliberately mocking I presume. But it is genuinely 100% not too much to expect that they have enough training to know that a woman in labour is extremely vulnerable and there are certain ways you should behave - chatting and ignoring her isn't one of them.

Would you be ok with them turning up to a death and chatting a laughing while the bereaved tried to manage the situation? Of course not, that would be horrendous. Because we treat death with the seriousness it deserves and we would never accept that sort of behaviour. The OP wasn't looking for whale music she was looking for a very very basic understanding of what a labouring woman needs. That is not too much to ask. It is not too much to ask.

A £7 stand off Amazon, not a professional recording set up, and my own husband and children. We were all excited to meet the baby and the child weren’t told to watch, they were invited and given enough information on birth to make an informed choice.

They could and did potter in and out of their bedrooms when not sat on my bedroom floor. I respect all 3 of my individual older children as individuals and none would be coerced into something. I’d have had more oxytocin without them there and me worrying they were coping ok, but they wanted to be present (especially the 14 year old) so that was the plan. It wasn’t a chaotic situation or high drama. It felt it to me because I was in labour and there were 4 medical professionals in my bedroom with me.

If it gives any context to the decision, I was an only child until 13 when my mum finally gave me a sibling. She had him at home with just me and a midwife present. It was lovely and I suffered no trauma. We are all different.

OP, its all new. Its been a week and your milk is coming in, you are bleeding, healing, bruised, tired and all these are making it harder to process.

I think that with three homebirths, this will go down as being your least positive one, but it wont be clouding everything forever.
Your feelings on how this went are completely valid imo. I still feel a bit annoyed with how my 2nd homebirth went compared to my first. Its such a vulnerable situation. I would have been extremely stressed by your situation. Do you think if your husband actually apologised for not being a better birth partner, then it would at least make you feel like youd been listened to?

I remember having conversations with my husband about what I wanted from him as a birth partner before the events, because my previous hospital birth id felt so out of control and vulnerable. I made sure my partner knew that he had to be my advocate and my voice and to be checking in with me all the time.

I think your husband needs to stop being defensive and accept he actually didnt do his best here when you needed him to, and apologise.

You made some of these decisions too though, you cant go back in time and change how it went. The decisions you all made together didnt have enough detail in the contingency plans, and your husband is not a mind reader either. I notice that actually when you spoke up and advocated for yourself, people did listen. Midwives would have noticed more, because they understand labouring women and the process. Paramedics wouldnt. Were the paramedics men? Is that why your husband chatted with them more and being matey blokey than he did at previous births with female midwives?

I think that you had some really positive things in your birth experience that youll think about more as time goes on.

You had all your children with you, and you said they were actually lovely and supportive to you when others werent noticing. Thats a lovely thing.
You got to be in your own space.
Your baby is safe and you actually were able to do so much independently. You felt extremely vulnerable, but look what you did!
You self advocated and people listened then.

I think that if midwives had turned up, then it would have been very different.
Be kind to yourself. Get some sleep. You have been through a huge emotional painful event that went a bit crap, I hear you.

Well I agree with @Nodecaffallowed
Of course OP can process her experience, and talk about it, but actually she should be grateful.

She can be grateful For the support she had, but still disappointed and upset with her experience.

This precisely to too many responding to someone looking for support on a site specifically for women.

I've reported the thread as this cannot reflect the spirit of MN. It's not aibu ffs

I'm so sorry OP, your experience sounds horrible and your response is totally understandable. I hope you find an understanding midwife that will provide the support you need now.

I'm so sorry you had this experience. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband really let you down here. He set the tone for the whole thing and for how the paramedics behaved.
In my experience as a Midwife, paramedics have woeful training on anything maternity related. When they attend the hospital for placement, they are so excited and interested, but their role is purely to stand back and observe - exactly as they seemed to do here. As much as I've tried to pass on the basics to them, you often meet them for 1 night shift, maybe even just 1 birth, so opportunity to teach is very limited. Obviously they have exceptional skills if an emergency for mum or baby arises, but for a straightforward birth their role is just to observe. When they came into your home and your husband stood around chatting instead of advocating for you and ensuring your wishes were met, they weren't to know any different I guess as their experience is often extremely limited.
You've had 2 homebirths before so I would have thought your husband would know the drill by now. Know the atmosphere you liked and be prepared to provide that for you. I'm sorry but he utterly let you down as your birthing partner.
I'm also really disappointed to hear how the Midwives behaved by not toning down the atmosphere on their arrival. I can't forgive their behaviour either.
I think you will benefit from counselling both as an individual and as a couple. Your husband's reaction to you expressing your feelings is also a major red flag and something that needs to be addressed.
Start with seeking support for yourself. You don't deserve for one second to have these important early days stolen from you by feeling this way. None of this is your fault. Then, when the time is right, consider how to provide feedback on the whole experience. If they don't know, they won't learn. I truly hope you get the support you need and are OK. Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

The beauty of us all being individuals. What’s strange to you can be normal for others, and vice versa.

I honestly think that if you want a home birth, you should have to fund private staff.

Agree with this. All my home births were with a private midwife. Out of pocket costs averaged £3k per birth over 7 years of having babies. Obviously the last was the most expensive due to inflation.

I don’t think there is ever much dignity in child birth! I’m not surprised it felt a bit much with so many people present - sounds more like a medieval royal birth than the private family occasion you had envisioned.

At the end of the day your children had an amazing meeting with their new sibling & you safely delivered a beautiful healthy baby. Those are the important points.

Hopefully one day you will laugh when you tell DS the story about how a crowd of cheering paramedics welcomed him into the world. 💐

Hi all, we've had to delete a number of posts on the thread so we're stopping by to ask people to be mindful of our Talk guidelines when posting.

As a society, we're meant to have moved on from the 'as long as your baby is healthy' stance. Birthing mothers are human beings. I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience but it doesn't mean we can remove birth choices from women.

They were looking after her. They probably chatted to lighten the atmosphere.
Fine to plan a homebirth but the caveat should always be if midwives aren't available then expect paramedics. 4 paramedics as there are 2 patients.

Anyway op I hope you've written a thankyou letter for the excellent care that you received. Obviously discuss with your hv any persistent wellbeing issues.

Honestly, you will look back at it and laugh. It sounds chaotic and undignified but also problem free, and you have a brand new baby to love.

Your husband probably felt its not a big deal since its your 4th?... He sounds like a tool but you perhaps should have given him detailed instructions.

Yep, stop telling traumatised mothers that they're lucky. It's not a competition for the love of fucking god.

I just laughed out loud at this, so thanks! This is literally it when I see it written down. My living children and my own health are truly magical, so I will focus on this when the intrusive flashbacks creep in.

For those expressing how unbelievable it is OP wanted to video it- It's not about you though?

It's not about what you'd do and just because you wouldn't make a certain choice doesn't mean it's a crazy choice.
People view births differently, some as awful things they just want to get through with a beautiful outcome to be excited for, some as beautiful processes to be treasured and with beautiful outcomes. Both are totally fair, neither is wrong but they likely influence how we approach them.

Yes everyone is different.

Just because you have a nice memory of your sibling being born, doesn't mean it will be the case for all

I was present for the birth of my brother when I was 15 yrs old. My mum was unfortunately newly divorced and I was there to he her birth partner. In fact, to this day (and I am in my 50s now), it is embedded in my mind as quite traumatic. A beautiful experience it was most definitely not.

Good, because it is shitty. Someone out there thinks you're lucky.

I will never in my life understand how traumatic experiences can make women less compassionate towards other women.

Yes! I had a moderately bad birth (felt horrendous to me and there was a life or death moment but no Intensive care needed or anything) and it seriously fucked me for a long, long time. It was very clear I was a birthing vessel. Women deserve better.