Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

Be prepared that it may not be enough and please keep tabs on how you're feeling. I had a traumatic birth experience and it wasn't until three years had passed that I realised my mental health had deteriorated so badly to the point I was basically have a breakdown, and needed to seek help. It was another 4/5 years of recovery. I'm sure lots of people will think that it wasn't quite traumatic enough and that I should have just pulled my socks up but unfortunately the existence of a healthy baby isn't a magic salve. You can be grateful and still experience symptoms of trauma. If you have felt violated you really, really need to keep checking on with yourself and keep talking.

I agree with the PP who said your DH may have gone into 'work mode.' Paramedics and police officers both thrive on jovial banter between bursts of adrenaline, which is not what you need when you're giving birth! He absolutely should have known how to be a better advocate though - this is not his first rodeo - and he should have engaged with the children.

I hope that in time you can remember all the positives of the children meeting their new brother at home, discard the negative memories of being ignored while you were vulnerable, and that one day you're able to see the funny side of "Simon! You'll miss it!" Would have become a near-instant catchphrase in this house I have to say.

I’ll say it again.
Not the OPs fault.
If the maternity system was appropriately resourced and supported, then an ambulance/s would have not been needed.

The paramedics were doing their job, which includes talking to other people in the household. They were there to monitor you and the baby - this means that they won’t let you labour on your own. You are unreasonable to assume they would act like a midwife or doula, and you should be grateful that they stayed with you at home rather than bundle you into the ambulance…

As it was, you needed to go to hospital, and they took you there. In the meantime, there would have been many people in need of an ambulance that same night.

dry your eyes - remember that birth rarely takes account of dignity. You just have to pick up and dust off your dignity afterwards!

Actually I think the commenter does recognise they are lucky, I think that’s the point they were making!

Why?? She was planning a homebirth and should have been supported with that.

The lovely videos you see of any birth are

• a tiny minority as such a birth is rare, or
• heavily edited

No one publishes a birth video of a bad birth. In addition, many countries have banned the posting of videos in which any person dies. So videos that end in death either stop short of the final moments or don’t get published at all.

Reposting this as some posters are continuing to post against guidelines

I’m a midwife. I look after many many women who film their births. I’m not talking about the videos that make their way onto Instagram etc.

No, the point was to for her to highlight how her experience was worse and therefore the OP should just get on with it. It is diminishing another woman's experience and feelings at a vulnerable time.

I’m not sure where it’s implied my children need therapy? They had months of preparation for the event and could have chosen Grandma’s house or to sleep through it, at any point up to the birth. I know my own children, their resilience levels and cognitive abilities. My DD (14) was first to ask if she could be present at the birth and that’s how it started. The 9 & 7 year olds were discussed from there.

From start to finish it was 3 hours and no drama from their perspectives. They weren’t bothered whether blue or green uniforms turned up to help.

My post was to gain some perspective on overthinking the flashbacks of being naked with 4 strangers (3 of whom male) between my
legs, and wondering if I expected too much of my DH, or am justified in feeling let down.

I do now wish I had explored a doula or
private midwife and for anyone considering a
homebirth reading this post, I highly recommend doing so, as others have suggested. If you can afford it, I think it’d be worth the peace of mind.

'I’m not sure where it’s implied my children need therapy?'

You found it loud, chaotic, intrusive. You were upset and your dc witnessed all of this so yes I think they may need to have a chat with someone to explore any hidden distress.

Have you emailed the Trust to pass on your thanks for the excellent response that you received?

Why does she need to email to give thanks?

The problem is that ‘basic respect’ looks different for different women. What would be comforting for one woman might feel like assault to another woman.

Example- I was labouring on all fours and trainee midwife thought it was a good time to rub my back and saying soothing nothings. To one woman that might be comforting and respectful behaviour all focussed on her needs during a painful back to back labour. To me, it felt creepy- the touching was completely unwanted and the soothing nothings were distracting me and making the pain even worse.

Trainee midwife had sat in on several appointments so I was not a complete stranger to her, yet she got it wrong for me. I was luckily aware enough to crawl away and say stop touching me. But if I had been out of it, I would have had all the feelings of being touched up without the trainee midwife realising she was traumatising me.

How does a paramedic who has never met OP instinctively know what is respectful treatment for her? We need to give grace to people in chaotic situations with so many unknowns.

The excellent response of no midwives available for a planned home birth?

Her husband should know. The whole point of a birthing partner is to advocate for the labouring woman if needed and he did not do this.

I don’t interpret it that way at all.

You also could argue OP is diminishing other people’s experiences by describing her own situation as horrendous.

The NHS as a whole is absolutely not "appropriately resourced and supported." Unfortunately we need to recognise the reality of that situation, because it's not a temporary blip which is about to be put right. It may no longer be realistic or appropriate to dedicate resources to home births. It's frankly terrible that so many trained people, and 2 ambulances, were tied up like this. We have a bare bones health service. An "ideal" home birth is not a bare bones expectation. I'm not saying we should celebrate this situation, but resources should not potentially be taken away from someone who is seriously injured in a car crash, or who suffers a heart attack, because someone has chosen to try to have an ideal birth at home. There is always the risk that someone giving birth at home will need emergency medical care / an urgent transfer into hospital.

I do now wish I had explored a doula or
private midwife and for anyone considering a
homebirth reading this post, I highly recommend doing so, as others have suggested. If you can afford it, I think it’d be worth the peace of mind.

So is it the case that if you're having a home birth and want an NHS midwife there, you have to phone the hospital/birth centre when you go into labour and hope there's one available who can attend?

But there was midwives available, they sent 3 soon after. They just chose for them not to be available initially (probably senior midwife on call who didn’t think her on call extended to actual clinical care).

And they didn’t actually facilitate the ambulance response, that was left to the OP to organise.

so actually I don’t think it was an excellent response.

My 14 yr old is a girl. It would be perverse and highly inappropriate to have an adolescent son present.

My children were present, but not interacted with by my husband as planned. I had paramedics seeing to me, so he could and should have interacted with them more as planned, so they didn’t feel sidelined.

Yes my husband was aware from our homebirth assessment weeks ago that we’d need
to be alone until midwives were available and / or call paramedics. We just didn’t take the possibility seriously and this is one of my many regrets.

As for NHS resources, we’ve never made emergency calls and rarely bother a GP. As a former emergency services worker myself, I’m well aware of the absolute dross and nonsense they often have to respond to which pulls them away from genuine emergencies. I’m not going to feel guilty for calling an ambulance on the advice of Maternity staff, while they tried to coordinate
midwives attending.

Not with any credibility you couldn't.