Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

3 years ago we had a very different strategy. One that meant we were unable to support many women at home (a different senior leadership team too which I am sure has impacted this).

It’s not the case that childbirth is done right at the rural hospital that serves our area which is a deprived area. I chalk a lot of it to underfunding of maternity care.
😟

“Particularly concerning is the finding that NHS Trusts serving the most deprived populations have been experiencing the steepest deterioration in their financial health. It is well known that people living in poverty have poorer health, more complex conditions and die younger. A strategy that targets investment in these areas, rather than allowing it to flow away from them, is needed to reverse these worrying trends.”
https://www.nationalhealthexecutive.com/articles/worst-financial-health-deterioration-over-decade-trusts

It could be mismanagement as well as underfunding.

Imho, either way OP should file a complaint regarding no midwives being available because the complaints procedure will help either way for other women to not suffer as OP did:

• correct mismanagement and/or
• can be used to justify additional funding for maternity care

Seriously, get out for a walk or something. Have a day off.

I understand that the NHS is under-resourced and there are multiple maternity scandals ongoing. They need to consider their planning of they don't have midwives available for a planned home birth and then send three at once.

They start by having fit-for-purpose services and adequate planning.

It’s not about women not supporting birth choices, it’s about being practical in terms of the resources available, the fact that people are unpredictable, and the fact that births are all completely different and babies and bodies don’t follow plans.

Oh my! You came on here for opinions… this is hers. Might be true, might be rubbish. But if you’re asking, you’ll hear stuff you don’t agree with.

Additionally, having the most flexible birth plan in the world doesn't insulate you from traumatic experiences. There are basic standards of dignity that ALL health and social care professionals should adhere to. What the OP describes falls short if it. In a responsible society we can accept that and accept that it can be handled better in future but instead the women are made to feel they're doing something wrong.

At the risk of sounding juvenile, I can absolutely swear on my precious children’s lives, no one but us will ever see that video and was never going to. I don’t even have my children’s faces on my dormant Facebook account. I’m nearly 40 and not of the generation who shares everything with the world for validation and income.

You’re absolutely right in how you describe the many birth videos I’ve watched online of American homesteaders with big teams and a doula present. My Instagram feed (I have Instagram as I have Mumsnet- to lurk and for interiors inspiration) also has some British ones though and it made me think ‘how lovely to have a video to look back on’ so I got a £7 tripod for my iphone. It’s no deeper than that. I have no nice after photos of my previous births, so organised it myself to make sure I would, negating the need to nag and remind DH.

If I planned to share an intimate experience with the world, why would I feel violated at having strangers between my legs and be crying about it? Your suggestion doesn’t add up.

well, considering that the poster who the OP is talking to has had most of her posts removed by MNHQ…..I don’t think the OP is the only one who doesn’t appreciate those opinions

Resourcing is a political decision.

This is so nice to hear about the area you work in. I know in the county we lived in for my last 2 homebirths, there was an on call system so they’d always be staffed. I did know that around here, the MLU has 2 suites available at any one time and the midwives on duty there, are who go out to homebirths if no labourers are in.

I was told the possibility of them not attending as such, but told they usually manage to juggle staff backfilling MLU from labour ward, so they do generally manage to attend homebirths. I took my chances and it backfired this time.

Exactly. You'd think the unpredictability of childbirth might reasonably be something maternity services would be aware of and include in their resource planning. If they don't have the resources to do that, there's a problem, and the problem isn't labouring women.

She / he is being antagonistic and repeatedly telling me
to write letters of thanks and arrange therapy for my
children. I’ve been very open to critiscism and hard truths from many posters on here and appreciate everyone taking time to read and reply. I don’t know what this poster is trying to achieve by repeating their demand of letter writing. By all means, tell me I’m an idiot or criticise my decisions, but saying it once is enough, otherwise you’re just kicking someone when they’re already down.

Wrong.

Two ambulances, four paramedics and three midwives were occupied because the NHS failed to provide the community midwife service needed for a home birth already in their books.

Home births use less resources than hospital births which is why they were actively promoted at one time.

I had planned homebirths for all three of my kids, and the older kids were there for the birth of their siblings, and it was a really lovely experience BUT we had a similar issue as you with midwife availability with my second meaning we had a weird array of adults, including a random taxi driver, in the room at the point that I was actually giving birth and it did feel strange in the initial aftermath of the birth. 14 years on it’s now just a funny birth story so try not to get too tied up with it all now when it’s so new.

my community midwife hadn’t delivered the pre birth equipment so we had nothing that we needed.

when we rang the hospital we were told it was a tricky time as they were busy, the community teams had finished for the day and the homebirth team didn’t start their ‘on call’ for another hour but they’d get someone to us soon.

A woman in high heels and tight jeans arrived about 20 minutes later, she’d been allowed to leave work early for her night out on the understanding that she’d call in and check on me on the way. She had a health care assistant with her but still no equipment.

10 minutes later an ambulance arrived with emergency gear which they unloaded into the dining room and then went and waited in the ambulance.

another 10 minutes and a taxi driver knocked on the door with a box of equipment, which he carried into the house for us just as the homebirth midwives arrived to take over from the high heel clad angel who was delivering my daughter’s head while wrapped in a towel to protect her jeans!

5 minutes after the birth, just as the midwives were doing handover, another taxi driver knocked on the door. When the healthcare assistant answered it the guy said ‘is someone here expecting a baby’ and she replied, straight faced, ‘not any more’ and the whole house collapsed in laugher at the complete absurdity of it all 😂

At the time it all felt way out of control and nothing like I’d planned but now it really is just a funny story, I hope the same is true for you in time.

What an absolute wank comment that was

You say ‘it was a horrendous birth’ but this was not a horrendous birth- there are horrendous births and to call this birth one is pretty offensive to genuinely horrendous births.
Disappointing or unexpected, yes. Horrendous no.

I had a horrendous birth that started with an unconsented sweep and ended with a very poorly baby and I don't find the OP's reaction to and explanation of her own birth experience offensive AT ALL. I do find the constant diminishment throughout this thread deeply offensive.

Edit: actually it started with multiple instances of RFM but the birth itself started with the painful sweep.

Do you know people have been taking photos and videos before the existence of social media? Is it really so hard to fathom that I have no photos of my
previous births, so made sure I would have this time?

You are right. Can I request the title is edited to say ‘disappointed’ rather than horrendous. I don’t know how to do this, if anyone can help please? @NadineMumsnet

I didn’t mean to diminish anyone’s truly horrendous births or outcomes.

Sorry if I've upset you op. I just mentioned <twice, not repeatedly> thanking them for their response as it may be help you to move forward. To reframe it as a positive experience and that 'reset' can be therapeutic.

Anyway hope you feel better after some of the support you've had on here.

I can't figure out if your question is serious. Why would the paramedics have to 'instinctively' know what the OP wanted? They could have asked her. They could have asked her husband. Ideally, her husband could have managed the situation and not allowed people to stand around chatting while his wife was struggling.