Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

Kindly, what was your back up plan if things went south? Surely you’d discussed the possibility that no midwives would be present, what did you and your DH decide you would do when that happened?

What was your plan with the children if something went wrong with the birth? Did you have someone on standby? Nobody is guaranteed an easy birth. Even the most amazing, straight forward pregnancies can go wrong at the last minute.

You are of course entitled to try and have birth you want but loads of women attempt to have the birth they want and the situation that arises can change this… surely you’d discussed and prepared contingencies for things that might happen?

Imagine if they were all stood round in stony silence, how awkward and uncomfortable would that have been.

Op, everyone was trying to help you feel relaxed by keeping the atmosphere light. They all obviously had to stay as that is their job.

Just be grateful you had such a massive albeit ott response. I hope there weren't any other patients waiting for paramedics.

Wow this is an entire bingo card of shut up and be grateful woman, and then some! Well done @Nodecaffallowed

'I also agree that you or your husband should have made arrangements for someone to take care of the children while you were in labour'

What was the back up plan out of interest, were grandparents on standby if you were admitted or were all the kids going to accompany you?

The alternative isn't stony silence and you know that. It's focusing on the OP, asking what she wants, trying to be respectful.

I will repeat over and over, it is not too much for a labouring woman to be treated with basic respect.

Agree, I have reported along with others. Is Mumsnet full of men today??

Congratulations on your birth. Im sorry it not what you envisioned. I wanted a calm water birth but didn't even get to see the pool as I was whisked up for a consultant led induction then emergency forceps 24 hours later and pretty much every intervention in between. It was our first birth and dh didn't have a clue. I had half the hospital in at various stages of it all. They then just left us alone and took dd away for hours and I was terrified she'd died. I guess the difference is she was in danger so just having a live baby at the end of it felt like a miracle. It took me a while to get over the trauma and I've never been able to face it again but dd is still my miracle baby. She's now a teen.

I guess I'm trying to say it was horrendous but it's just a faded memory that doesn't hurt me now. It's very early days for you and so fresh but it'll be ok. I can even wryly smile at some of the bonkers stuff that happened in that room and, I must have been destined to just have 1 as she talks and has the energy of about 3 of me 😂

Who needs the patriarchy when we have enough women out there to tear each other down.

Sorry. That I agree with

Honestly. Just read back what you posted here. 🙄

Hi OP
Sorry you had this awful experience and sorry that some of the comments on here are so vitriolic.

What I came on to say is that reading your posts it is clear how vulnerable you are in this moment. I would really suggest speaking to your health visitor or midwife to see if you can get any urgent counselling or support for your immediate emotional health. This is such a sensitive time anyway that I do think some proper support would be beneficial to help you navigate your feelings.

Your DP sounds like he was too blasé about the birth experience and maybe didn’t share the same expectations of it being magical, just wanted it to go smoothly. On paper he could say that it has. I think this is something that needs to be addressed in your relationship at a later date, as you also mentioned about him not being able to take the pictures etc that you managed to get from the video. Just wondering if there is a pattern of his behaviour? In which case this will be a raw nerve for you anyway.

I think the paramedics have done what they are trained to do. This doesn’t mean that feedback wouldn’t be welcome so they can understand from your POV, but I don’t think they have acted outside of professional norms. They are trained for emergency care, not for birth as midwives are.

In answer to your original questions about whether you should have planned a home birth etc- it’s not your fault that you had a bad birth experience. This could have also happened with just the midwives, or if one of your other DC reacted badly, medical complications. It’s just a fact that childbirth is unpredictable and given the situation with the NHS it’s not really equipped to live up to the expectation of it being “wonderful” (this is obviously terrible and hopefully will change!) but having a private doula there or something similar is probably the way to ensure the “magic” is captured/facilitated.

Get some help for how you feel right now, and the cracked nips, to process the initial disappointment then revisit this in time. It may seem unlikely right now, but there may come a time when you feel differently about the birth.

congratulations on your new baby, look after yourself!

I absolutely get the irony. But that posters post was horrible and I can’t support such cruelty.

The NHS is in a permanent state of crisis, which OP must surely know, and because OP wanted a perfect home birth experience 2 ambulances, 4 paramedics and 3 midwives were all occupied at the OP's home. We can only hope that nobody died while they were waiting for an ambulance.

@89DaysToLoseIt I think you are on the wrong board. AIBU is over there 👉. This is a board for vulnerable women who are asking for support. Not to have their choices mocked and their words questioned.

It is totally normal for a woman who has just given birth to cry, no matter what happened. You must know what?

I don't know why people are being so weird about the children being involved. It's probably a cultural thing but it isn't at all weird to me. My mother delivered a couple of her siblings.

They're paramedics they don't do lowlight and whale music. As long as the mother and baby were safe and well then I think a bit of cheery chat should be overlooked.

This trauma is not good, is it? Congratulations, however, on your new baby.

I had a terrible first labour, and felt pretty crap, till a doctor pointed out there is 'only one prize in this', meaning my gorgeous new baby. That made me feel loads better.
My second one was much easier, though no less unglamourous.
I am not sure I would ever describe labour as magical. Bloody painful and undignified are the phrases that come to my mind.
Just remember, you have done something amazing.

That's the bit I'm struggling with the most, having waited outside in a public place with a critically injured person several hours for an ambulance a few years ago (luckily, they survived).

OP could have taken herself off to hospital when she was told they couldn't guarantee the midwives attendance. Instead 4 paramedics were tied up for hours when their services could have been used assisting people in emergency situations.

The situation was handled badly by your husband and the paramedics, and I do sympathise that in a vulnerable post natal state you are feeling very upset by it. I don’t want to be harsh because when you’re in that sobbing state you just really need support.

That said, I do think you need perspective. You have obviously been very lucky with your previous experiences and the reality is that birth can’t be planned and managed. Frankly you took up a lot of time and resources from paramedics who were needed elsewhere because you wanted the imagined birth experience with cameras and kids watching. You should have hired private midwives if you wanted to be sure of having them present.

There will be many reading this who have had truly horrendous birth experiences and not had a live child at the end of it, or whose birth experience has been awful but have been elated at the end to have their child alive and well. I do know that in your current hormonal state you can’t be expected to just buck up and see the true picture, but in time you will.

Except her DH was responsible for acting like all is well in front of 3 sleepy children that are already here and of an age to understand just enough to be traumatised if he in any way drops the mask of calm and relaxation.

This isn’t the OPs fault. If the maternity system was appropriately resourced (I’m not convinced there wasn't any staff to attend when they managed to magic up 3 later, and 3 are not needed for a homebirth), then an ambulance would have never needed to be called.