Disappointing homebirth a week ago [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[Lookingfortheanswers]

Please be gentle with me. My baby is a week old and I haven’t stopped sobbing.

My husband & I have 4 children; DD14, DS9, DD7 and now baby DS. Children numbers 2 & 3 were born at home with midwives present, all went fine and I know how blessed I am.

We had a homebirth planned again this time and I wanted the children present as they’d been involved in our decision to have one more.

I woke at midnight last Sunday morning to my waters breaking and instant contractions only 2-3 mins apart. We called the Birth Centre to request midwives and were told there were none at the moment but I could go in to Labour Ward, or wait for them to find midwives. They advised to call an ambulance for the birth if still at home with no midwife attendance.

I decided to carry on and my husband got setting things up. We woke the children and they were excited. We also had a tripod set up to film the birth.

90 mins later by 1.30am, it was unbearable and I knew it was close, so we called an ambulance. I had no idea that two would arrive, to cater for me and baby. I had 3 male paramedics and 1 female crowd me in in my living room, all asking me questions during contractions. Naturally, this chaos slowed down contractions and I felt so vulnerable. I could hear my husband making small talk with all 4 paramedics and from watching the video back, our children were invisible to all adults including my husband.

I took myself upstairs to get away from the noise, but they all followed me to my bedroom. At no point did my husband speak to me or the children, just got busy making friends with the paramedics. One was on the phone to Maternity keeping them updated and they were desperately trying to find staff. I could have been transferred in but it was my 4th labour and I felt we wouldn’t make it. I didn’t want to have a baby in an ambulance on my own.

From 2am - 3am when baby was born, I laboured on my bed and was out of it. This goes against everything I wanted for birth- I needed dim lighting, space, quiet and to stay mobile. From watching the video, I was on my bed legs wide open, no underwear on and the big light on. The 3 children were sat beside me on the floor. The 4 paramedics and my husband were stood chatting at the foot of my bed with my vagina on full display. Not one adult thought to ask if I was happy with an audience or to place a towel over me until I began pushing.

As I began pushing, you can hear one paramedic who had gone to fetch something from downstairs, being yelled by the others “Simon!! Quick Simon,
you’re going to miss it!”. I was a zoo animal in a cage on that bed, putting on a show for them all. My husband was still casually asking them how long they’ve been in service etc.

Baby came out safely thank goodness and was eventually passed to me, and 3 midwives arrived 5 mins later. I now had 4 paramedics, 3 midwives, 1 husband and 3 children around my bed during golden hour, watching me feed baby. They all carried on chatting like I wasn’t there and all talking about me but no one to me (except the kids who were darlings).

An hour went by and no placenta- obviously, as I was very stressed. It was the most surreal moment laid there naked with a baby on my chest, with 8 adults stood around my bed like some kind of ritual was about to start. I had to advocate for myself and asked “what is going on?”. A midwife replied that they were waiting for my placenta to come out. I said “do all 8 of you need to watch? Please can you leave me alone?”. Then all except one midwife
went downstairs.

Placenta still didn’t budge even with the injection, so I had to be taken in to hospital by ambulance with my baby in his car seat. It was easily removed by a midwife in a quiet room at hospital and I was then stitched up and allowed to go home.

I can’t stop re-living it and I feel so let down. My husband’s response to me being upset is; “yeah,
I’m such an arsehole, it’s all my fault” and stropping off. He also says I just need to be grateful baby is here and healthy. I don’t want to keep crying in front of my children but I feel so let down and so violated and exploited. One of the young trainee paramedics even exclaimed “woo hoo my first baby catch”.

Is it my fault? Should I have not planned a homebirth? Should I have gone to hospital and risked ambulance birth? Should I have been clearer with my husband? But I couldn’t plan for an eventuality that I didn’t know existed.

This was our last and was supposed to be magical. It was awful. I don’t know I get over it. I keep telling myself far worse things could have happened and I am so lucky to have my children. I know I am.

Has anyone been through similar and could offer some words of solidarity, or give me some perspective so I can stop crying? To add to this, I have bleeding, cracked nipples which is a first for me and isn’t helping my sadness.

Sorry this is long. Thank you so much for anyone who reads and replies.

You don't seem to understand what I'm saying. The OP wanted her husband to advocate for her and act like a parent to her other children. That is not out of anyone's control - I'm fully confident the DH was capable of that, he just didn't do it.

Yep, total regret at my choices made before and after (although no regrets on the children being present). For clarity on filming though, it was made clear to them all on arrival that I had my
phone recording but we are not social media people and it won’t ever be shown to anyone but ourselves. They also had the reassurance of my DH being a police officer and our lives being private. They were all fine with it and if they weren’t, I’d have stopped recording- it was a nice to have, not necessity. They not only moved the tripod upstairs without being asked, but had a photo taken with us after the baby was born and I was (finally) decent. They asked our permission to keep the photo themselves and of course we said yes.
I’ve gone off on a tangent there sorry but yes, you are right. They were all trying to help. Well, DH questionable!

I'm really sorry you had such an awful experience but I realistically you can't fix it and I'm not sure anyone did anything materially wrong here - it was a super stressful experience and you can both wish that you made different choices and wish that other people did (including your husband) but recriminations are pointless. You have a beautiful child and the best thing to do is try to move past the experience and focus on the joys of having your tiny little newborn.

I will read the whole thread in a moment. I just wanted to respond first OP with my emotional reaction to your recent birth.

No birth is guarenteed to go to plan. We may feel like we have it down pat by the fourth baby, but this is sadly not true. Any birth can go a completely different way from anything we have ever experienced or imagined.

Your birth was certainly traumatic. I can empathise as one of my home births was really bad too due to my midwives having a trainee that was just awful and I ended up with permanent birth injuries due to her making decisions for me mostly by ignoring or overriding my requests. Psychologically, being ignored and not being treated as a human being is really traumatising, I am so sorry that happened to you. It happens a lot no matter where we choose to give birth- although I do feel that labouring mothers who have to transfer from home to hospital are sometimes ‘punished’ by maternity staff in hospitals.

Planning to have the children watch a home birth without a Plan B in case things went south probably wasn’t the best idea. I think you and your DH were a bit overconfident going into it.

While you realised the reality was awful early on, I don’t think your DH did until you spoke up. He probably felt relief after they arrived and at the fact that the paramedics would not be making small talk with him if either you or baby were in any danger. He also probably thought the children would take their cues from him so if he had not acted all relaxed and like everything is ok, that would have traumatised the children present.

I think your feelings are perfectly valid. It was a horrendous birth. Not really anyone’s fault per se other than the midwives for not showing up when you needed them. What happened to you shows how valuable midwives are and how they cannot be replaced by husbands or paramedics who are not trained on how to care for the labouring mother.

All of these you should have gone in comments.

can I just spin that on its head for a minute and see what people would have said if this was offered instead?

A woman planning a hospital birth being told “Sorry, all of our LW midwives are busy right now so you will need to stay at home and our homebirth midwives will attend”

How is that any different? Why does hospital birth trump homebirth?

Did the camera follow you upstairs? I find it bizarre that you wanted your children to watch and you wanted to film it but when there were medical staff, that’s when you felt like a zoo animal.

I have 4 children. And quite a big gap between 3 and 4 (9 years), but I would never ask them to be there.

She had a planned homebirth. She asked for the midwives that were part of that planned homebirth. She was told they weren't available and she could stay at home or come in. She chose to stay at home, which the OP now regrets, understandably. But I don't agree that she expected something that wasn't feasible - she didn't make perfect decisions but it is not too much to expect that paramedics behave professionally, is it?

Do they not have hospital midwives and community midwives for this exact reason? In a hospital there are a great number of people who can attend in an emergency.

I have heard a great number of birth horror stories. Including my own birth. I was born not breathing, my heart not beating and floppy and blue, after getting stuck (shoulder dystocia). My mum's tailbone was broken as a consequence of me coming out, and she didn't get to hold me for a day. That is an awful experience. Not a healthy baby and healthy mum.

Thank you so much. He is just scrumptious!

I am so sorry you went through that and felt mocked at a time you were most vulnerable. That sounds horrific, and that you were let down by a birth partner.

If you have pulled yourself through it and can focus on the positives, I must too. Take care and thank you for sharing x

What did the paramedics do that was unprofessional?

Your husband is an arse. The job of a birth partner is to support and advocate for the labouring woman. That’s it. If you had been in a hospital environment, and he’d been chit chatting with the staff, not being aware of your dignity, ignoring even basic elements of your birth plan (eg dimming the lights) he’d be raked over the coals for being completely useless. Instead, your post has been completely taken over by the homebirth angle which to me is a red herring. He had a job, he failed miserably at it, left you feeling vulnerable and unsupported, ignored his children (presumably he signed on for the homebirth too and knew what was expected of him!) and is now telling you to get over it.

Things going wrong in a homebirth are not exactly unexpected, and the choice to homebirth with siblings present certainly isn’t for me, but there is a massive difference between a medical emergency or disaster which is down to chance, and a situation where the one person there to support you is failing at his job. Expecting your birth partner to do his job, and perhaps suggesting a large group of adults staring at your vagina unnecessarily should move themselves to give you a little dignity, is not unreasonable at all.

Standing around chatting, ignoring her. Expressing excitement at attending a birth when the OP was in distress. Basically paying no attention to what the OP wanted or needed.

I am neither a midwife nor paramedic (nor medically trained to be fair) but I do feel that your view is a little skewed.

Firstly, what was your husband's role supposed to be had the midwife been dispatched as initially planned. Was he supposed to be 'involved', ot was his role deferred to the midwives that were supposed to be coming? In which case, he probably just carried on that deferral to the paramedics.

As for 'taking them to the kitchen for a coffee' - they're there to do a job. Their job is to remain with the patient and safeguard. What if something went wrong and half of them were sat the breakfast bar with a coffee and a chocolate hobnob - bit of a negligence issue going on there.

You had a vision in your head which was never going to come to pass. Should your DH have asked everyone to back off - possibly but that doesn't mean they would have as they have a job to do. Had the midwifes arrived, they also would have been in the room complete with vagina on show then.

I understand that you feel disappoined but your initial expectations were never realistic. Childbirth is a messy, dangerous and difficult event but the aim of it is the healthy beautiful baby that you have. That's what everyone there was trying to safeguard

OP I’m so glad you’ve got out and about. There are some nasty, vile posters laughing and commenting rudely on your choices. I have been through and reported some of the nastier ones.

You are posting in a part of Mumsnet that in my view should be treated especially with kindness and gentle hands.

I second having a review in a few months time. I had a traumatic birth and found it very useful.

How wonderful that your children enjoyed the experience of welcoming their sibling into the world-they will treasure this forever. And I loved the post from the paramedic up thread who commenting how joyful it is to go to a call out where life is coming into the world rather than pain and death. Do try and reframe as others have said.

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings and I’d also say that those first few weeks of baby blues are very real! God bless

Firstly, congratulations on your new arrival and I'm sorry things didn't go as you'd hoped.

However, you knew there were no midwives available when you rang the hospital and turned down the option to go onto ward knowing that there was a risk you would labour alone or only with paramedics to assist you. That was a very risky decision for you to make.

It sounds like you were incredibly lucky with your previous births but the reality is home births are often incredibly dangerous for both mum and baby.

If you're really struggling it may be worth speaking to a therapist who specialises in things like this, just so you can get your thoughts out and make some sense of your feelings.

There are some weird posts here. Every woman is entitled to a home birth - every woman not just rich ones! I had a home birth and I know a number of women who did too. They encompass all kinds of women, with all levels of education and income. Just because you personally wouldn’t want one, doesn’t mean you should dismiss other women’s choices or sneer at them any more than they should sneer at your choices:

https://birthrights.org.uk/factsheets/choice-of-place-of-birth/

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OP doesn't say that all four were busy chatting at the same time. They're human They're going to talk. They said they were happy to be there - is that now a crime?

I’m not convinced the paramedics would’ve been allowed to leave the room. Obviously half were there for you and half for the baby but attending a live medical event they’d probably have to be there or they’d all want to be present in the room of something went wrong.
It doesn’t sound like to me any of the medically trained staff acted inappropriately.

It probably wasn’t how it was planned in your DH head either and while he should’ve advocated more he was likely in the moment and just trying to get on with it. I’m not sure what you would’ve liked exactly with your children present but they were always likely going to get a bit sidelined.

I honestly get ideals in our heads and hormones of having a baby but I think I’d just try and move on. It sounds like your children had a positive experience and you have a healthy baby who wasn’t at risk at any point. Time will be a healer and it sounds like something you might positively talk about later on with your family.

Sounds like you need to really take care of your feelings for now OP, which are valid. Don’t squish them down, cry and process it as you need to, the intensity will pass. You are obv taking responsibility for your part in things being disorganised by being annoyed with yourself but don’t let that be a way of avoiding feeling sad. This is an intense time as you know, lots of hormones etc so just watch it all ebb and flow and once you’re feeling a bit more at peace with it perhaps try again to talk to your H who is being very defensive, I suspect because he feels ashamed because he knows he could have done better, and loves you and doesn’t want to admit this.
His chatting to the HCPs and forgetting about the light etc sounds like perhaps he was actually more stressed than he even realised himself and was just in some kind of conflict avoidance mode if that makes sense? Don’t upset the visitors, focus on their comfort rather than yours… all while having to look like a “bloke” and show no fear or distress… if that’s correct. Maybe he’s got some stuff to think about as well before you guys can talk about him letting you down, which he did even though he probably really didn’t mean to

Im sorry you feel this way. However the only person there that should have been paying attention to your other children was their father.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the birth you wanted and that your husband was not more supportive. I don’t think the paramedics did anything wrong- they were there as emergency responders not as the equivalent to a home birth midwife, and their role was to get you and your baby through it with the least risk of harm. Can you imagine the fall out of something had gone very wrong and they had been chatting in the kitchen instead of attending you?

Im afraid the minute you called the ambulance, the peaceful home birth plan was out the window. Once you do that, you are treated as an emergency and things will go accordingly.

It’s totally natural that you feel upset and traumatised. I also think there may be an element of grieving for the birth experience you wanted, and you’re maybe experiencing different stages of that grieving process- anger and bargaining (anger at your husband and paramedics, bargaining in that you’re thinking in terms of “if they hadn’t done that, it would have been different”).

I think a debrief with a midwife experienced in birth trauma would probably be helpful. Would also suggest some support for your children.

I understand your disappointment, though as people have said, paramedics can't be expected to provide a sensitive or personalised approach to a birth, their training is for emergencies and to make sure things stay under control on the health front. I think under the unexpected circumstances no one knew quite what to do with themselves and no one could have planned for all the variables - it sounds like your husband definitely should have attended to you more, but again, everything was topsy turvy and everyone would have been improvising.

I think it might be best to chalk this up to bad luck and try not to hold on to it, it just wasn't to be this time.

Please don’t let this tip you into depression. You and your baby need to revel in each other.

I think you're needlessly arguing with me. The OP said the situation bothered her and I personally wouldn't be happy with four people standing around while no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to what I needed while deep in the throes of labour. Maybe it wouldn't bother you but I think you're probably the exception.