Should I give my baby clothes to my sister?

[Francescarae]

My baby is 4 months old she’s an IVF baby and I’m planning to transfer another embryo next year, my sister has just found out that she’s pregnant and has said she wants all my baby items and I’m not sure how I feel about this, I planned to organise them and put them away for my hopefully future baby, I feel very attached to her baby clothes and the thought of them going elsewhere makes me want to cry, does this make me a bad person if I don’t give them to my sister? I am definitely going to try and have another baby in the next 7 months.

Also even if I do get them back they will be third hand by that point and might not be well looked after, she even wants her Moses basket and next to me crib etc, I’ve really looked after everything so we won’t have to buy it again, also they have a lot more money than we do and we will have to pay for our embryo transfer so then buying more baby items will be expensive.

I just planned on putting it all away and then sorting through it with excitement next time I am hopefully pregnant and planned on looking at my next baby in the same clothes etc and reminiscing about my first baby wearing them.

i know I could not a baby the same gender as the first but i still feel attached and it’s still possible I could have another girl.

thoughts please x

No I’m not finished with it yet will be fine.
there’s nothing wrong with wanting your things as nice and clean as possible for your baby’s. I’m sure she will have gifts baby showers ect and chose things for herself. Suggest Facebook marketplace if she moans about it. It’s fine to say no don’t feel bad. I wouldn’t want to have a grotty bouncer retuned for my new baby and have to buy another why should you have to pay twice. Or put up with wear and tear on your things.

She was four months yesterday so feels so soon to think about parting with her things, she’s also small and still in 0-3 size and still using her Moses basket so does feel a bit much x

I wouldn’t lend the Moses basket or next to me crib. You will have to get new mattresses and why should you? They are yours for your children. You said your sister has money so she can buy her own.

Sorry sister, I don’t want to lend any of my baby stuff. No need for any explanation. It’s yours and she’s a CF

Yes exactly Definitely want things as nice and clean as possible, I know people say baby clothes are only worn for a few months but they get washed so often so some can get bobbly so easily, my daughter can go through 3 outfits a day and I keep all her so clean x

You’re still using the clothes and she’s asked for it already? Either cheeky or an excited comment without much thought. Move on.
if she asks again closer to the time, you can just give an excuse.

I’m trying (and failing) to think of other examples where people would expect you to lend a cache of items that were collectively worth quite a lot of money and also had sentimental value and call you mean for not doing so.

These are your things and you are under no obligation to lend any of them.

By all means feel free to pick out a few bits you are not precious about if you want, but don’t feel railroaded into giving away things you don’t want to.

Its all very well people saying you’ll get them back but there is no guarantee of that, nor that they will be in the same condition.

Once you lend them to someone you have zero control over how well they will be cared for.

A friend learned this the hard way in lending baby items to her brother and his wife. Things that did make their way back to them (some got passed on to other people as it was “assumed” they were gifted even though it was made clear they were loaned) were in such a state they ended up having to buy them again. So her brother saved £££ whilst she ended up paying pretty much double.

A classic case of no good deed goes unpunished. Suffice to say when the next sibling was born to her brother, nothing was passed on.

I'd say "She's not actually grown out of any yet so haven't got my head around what to save for potential number 2. Vinted has fab bundles though and you can get the right season"

That’s a good thing to say, it’s true I haven’t even got my head around what I would re use yet, it doesn’t help that her baby is due in May and my baby was born in May so she probably thinks season wise all of my daughters things would work for her baby but then actually most of it is sleepsuits, cardigans, vests and body suits etc as that’s all she lived in the first couple of months and that could be used any season for my second baby x

When you put it like that I can’t think of another example either and I spend thousands of pounds on baby items.

That and awful I really don’t want to have to re buy, that’s supposed to be the nice part of not having to buy loads for the second child x

Even if you have two babies born at the same time of year there is no guarantee you will need the same things/sizes.

My daughter was born in August and was 6lb13. My son was born in September and was 6lb12 but a completely different shape and all the clothes we had from my daughter drown him and so we have had to buy a load of smaller clothes. We have even had to drop to size 0 nappies as the size 1s are massive and leak. The size 0s are for 2-5lb. My daughter was slow growing so we got a longer out of clothes than most people. She was in 0-3 months clothes until 5 and a half months. When she was born we were bought a load of beautiful summer dresses in 9-12 which should have fit her the first summer but she was 18+ months before she fitted in them.

That’s such a good point about babies varying, my daughter was quite small but that doesn’t mean a second one would be the same size.

so interesting though that they were such different shapes x

I struggled with secondary infertility after my first and it was really painful being asked or told to lend out baby stuff when I was really hoping that I'd get to use it again. I think if you're hoping for another and you know it might be hard/might not happen then passing things on can be really difficult and you need to be ready to do it.

For me it felt like people were saying they didn't believe I'd need the baby stuff again when I really needed to believe I would. I'm sure that was a 'me' problem but nevertheless. I'm sure you have a similar feeling about IVF.

In the interim I was able to weed through my stuff and pass on clothes I wasn't too fussed about/lend on a few big ticket things to people I trusted to return it. It was nice to know other babies got to use our stuff. Now I've had DD2 and love seeing her in DD1's old stuff but equally there are things I wasn't too fussed about this time round, and I enjoyed buying a few new bits. So, benefits to both ways. But you really need to feel ready to pass things on. They are YOURS. You bought them. It's your choice.

@Francescarae i think his bones are made of granite as he's so scrawny but a really good weight. He was born at 37 weeks, 12 days earlier than she was, and a lb heavier than we were expecting based on growth scans. Completely unexpected, prior to the 5 day weigh in we were convinced that they had got his birth weight wrong

If it makes you feel any better I won’t even lend my books never mind a ton of expensive baby equipment/clothes 😂.

I’m an avid reader and have a lot of hard back books. I learned pretty quickly that for many people returning them felt optional and when they did, dust jackets were ripped, pages folded, coffee staines etc etc.

I appreciate not everyone feels the same way about books as I do, but that’s beside the point. They are mine and I paid for them.

My standard phrase now is that I don’t run a library and l don’t do loans, ever. I don’t feel bad about saying that and when people swear they will look after a book I just laugh and say, yes I’ve heard that before…..

Re: baby clothes/equipment I was one and done so happy to pass things on but I was selective about it.

We had some nice things and there were people I knew who would be grateful and cherish them and others that, well wouldn’t….

Even then it took a while to let some things go and others we kept (and still have - like clothes from special occasions, first shoes etc).

Same with toys. We bought some lovely wooden play things (inc a rocking horse) and train set. Was asked by quite a few people when I was getting rid of them.

Answer is never. Carefully stored in the loft for future (fingers crossed) grandchildren 😀.

So happy to hear you had a second, had a happy tear for you reading that. You are so right I completely get what you mean, I feel like I do need to believe that I will have a second child as hope will be the only thing to get me through so parting with my daughters things doesn’t feel great.

my sister said if my transfer doesn’t work I should just accept having one child but I’m happy to go through another full cycle of IVF if I have to as I would love to give my daughter a sibling and I really hope I get to re use her things, I’m sure I would add to them with some new bits.

i will go through maybe early next year and let a few things for my niece or nephew but I’m happy to go out and buy some new things for their baby.

i just want to put the clothes and baby items away safely and have them here x

I can’t imagine that people would look after books well so definitely wouldn’t lend them out either, it’s a bit like lending a CD when we used CDs.

aww that’s lovely that you can hopefully use for grandchildren and what a nice story it will be

Your baby is so little still! Very few people are ready to get rid of the baby equipment so soon. For me I think it was key that I didn't start lending things out until a few years in, when I'd begun to start preparing myself for the possibility that we were one and done, and beginning to make peace with it. At that stage it felt easier to pass things on, and actually it really helped to imagine the friend/relative's child they'd be going to. But you don't need to be anywhere near that yet.
We are so lucky we got our second! They're 5.5 years apart - 3 years of trying and horrible losses - but we made it. She's almost 1 now and I'm only just clearing out the newborn stuff. Realistically I don't think we'll have another, we've been so lucky already, but I shall be keeping a substantial memory box....
Congrats on your wonderful baby, and crossing fingers she'll have a sibling one day x

Sure, I think that’s a shame and a bit mean. It’s pretty standard to share/ lend/ give baby clothes, especially to close family. But you
do you and just say no. But don’t be suprised if she thinks it’s a bit mean. Of course no one has the right to your clothes but there is a nice custom of sharing.

Passing on after you've finished having children or passing on bits you don't really care about yes. I don't think it's always expected to "share" clothes you might need. I wouldn't give anything I wanted back. It's so hard to keep track of!

Surely there are usually other family members? If DSIS was pregnant I'd give her a load of stuff but I wouldn't expect DSIL who hasn't finished having kids to do so.

Find her a few things and say you need the rest for the next child

update - I’ve managed to sort out a whole bag of clothes that my daughter didn’t wear so all brand new in size newborn and size 1 month, then the stuff I’m keeping I will vacuum bag and put in the loft, she’s still currently in size 0-3 so can’t go through any more yet.and also a bag of blankets and swaddles I’ve sorted for my sisters baby as my daughter hasn’t used those. i will then also buy her a Moses basket and a few more bits, hoping this is enough to not look like I’m being mean but will definitely be keeping everything else for my next baby x

Good move.
You mention you'll still be using the steriliser, I think few people use them much beyond about 9mths. By they babies are crawling around the floor and using bowls and stuff that goes in the dishwasher.

One thing I wouldn't lend is a breastpump if you end up bfing.

this is great but you don't need to buy her a moses basket!

I find it a bit weird that your sister suggested she should have your stuff and then said you should just accept having one kid - that's not her decision to make !

I was happy to give away a lot of things but that's because I move often for work and couldn't carry everything, and also I was keen for each baby to have new stuff not just hand me downs. And I was excited to get the baby special things each time. But we're all different.

On the other hand I think the whole boy/girl thing is ridiculous - the baby isn't gonna care what colour they're wearing. You can reuse stuff even if you have a boy next. I had a girl third and she's wearing a lot of hand me downs from her brothers. Even when I buy them new stuff I like gender neutral stuff. I hate the fact that the girl section of the shop is pink and frills, like girls aren't allowed to like any other colours.

Anyway, I think you shouldn't give or loan anything that you can't stand to lose. Keep the stuff that is important to you. Personally I'd hate to be loaned stuff that's important to someone and that I'm expected to give back as I'd just be stressed about it being torn, stained, having to remember what I need to give back or not, etc. I'd rather the person not give me anything !

I think the compromise you found is very generous.

I think nhs guidance is sterilise until 12m and I believe it’s about the bacteria in milk specifically rather than general dirt, hence not sterilising other items. Happy to be corrected though!