Should I give my baby clothes to my sister?

[Francescarae]

My baby is 4 months old she’s an IVF baby and I’m planning to transfer another embryo next year, my sister has just found out that she’s pregnant and has said she wants all my baby items and I’m not sure how I feel about this, I planned to organise them and put them away for my hopefully future baby, I feel very attached to her baby clothes and the thought of them going elsewhere makes me want to cry, does this make me a bad person if I don’t give them to my sister? I am definitely going to try and have another baby in the next 7 months.

Also even if I do get them back they will be third hand by that point and might not be well looked after, she even wants her Moses basket and next to me crib etc, I’ve really looked after everything so we won’t have to buy it again, also they have a lot more money than we do and we will have to pay for our embryo transfer so then buying more baby items will be expensive.

I just planned on putting it all away and then sorting through it with excitement next time I am hopefully pregnant and planned on looking at my next baby in the same clothes etc and reminiscing about my first baby wearing them.

i know I could not a baby the same gender as the first but i still feel attached and it’s still possible I could have another girl.

thoughts please x

No she thought that the expectation is I should give my stuff away. I was pregnant again at that time anyway

I think the problem is that to some people baby things are just "useful objects" whereas to others they are very sentimental. Neither view is wrong.

Also, some people are much more careful with other people's things than others!

I would perhaps consider lending her some of the bigger items that are hard to lose or damage and that would be expensive to buy new - though even that is up to you if course.

I definitely wouldn't lend her clothes that have sentimental value, as even with the best intentions they'll get muddled up with her clothes, damaged etc. It sounds like she's thinking "it's fine as you'll get a big bundle of clothes back!" but not really realising that you're very attached to those specific clothes - again neither view is wrong, but lending sentimental stuff is a disaster waiting to happen!

Just tell her you are planning to have another baby soon so you can't pass them on.
It's a bit odd that she ses to be demanding them though.

Just to add - don't lend her anything precious with the expectation of getting it back. I made that mistake and my best friend ruined a special blanket I lent her.

Then you absolutely keep them. Ignore the posters who say you’re mean or selfish. They clearly haven’t had a IVF baby. Everyone has their own emotions. If you feel attached to them, then you keep them.

Exactly. So many people saying you’ll get it back, well, you might not!!!

I come from a family where we all hand around baby clothes, so I’m afraid you do seem a bit mean. If she’s usually selfish or doesn’t care for things, you have a point. But if you usually get on, I think your attitude is quite hurtful

Being an adult and being a decent person is understanding that one's own feelings are not the only factor to be considered in any equation. "Feelings" are not the trump card some of you seem to think they are. At least they aren't if you're interested in having deep and good relationships with the people around you.

I don't think deep relationships are reliant on giving someone some clothes I'm going to use again. Surely in a good relationship the OP can just say "no sorry they are sentimental and I want them for the next one if I'm lucky enough to have them" without causing offence.

It’s a nice idea I do agree but I feel attached to them and worry they will get ruined, some items don’t wash well

I’d definitely lend the next to me crib and Moses basket as they aren’t used for long and will be finished with before you have your next baby. You could always keep hold of the mattresses and ask them to buy their own.

The clothes thing - I think the extent of your attachment to them is a little unusual, but you are under no obligation to share. It’s perfectly acceptable IMO to say “sorry, we’re not done having babies and I’m keen to save them for the next!”

Oh no that’s so sad x

thats a good point about the mattresses thanks

Keep them! Only give away stuff you are happy not to get back.

I’ve not read the full thread, but I do not think you should be compelled to give over any items at all. My first baby was also ivf after many years of trying and we hung onto almost all of his things in the hope we would be able to re-use them for a sibling. I really couldn’t bear to part with them for any reason and I think that’s something other people can’t necessarily understand. Infertility and ivf can be really traumatic and the impact it can have really isn’t often understood by people who haven’t gone through it.
Having said that, you shouldn’t even have to explain yourself- they are your things and nobody else can just lay claim to them.
We were fortunate enough to to have another baby boy and it’s lovely and actually almost healing to see him in some of the same little outfits as his brother wore after spending so long thinking we may never have a family. I’m so glad we were able to hang onto them.

To add- things might be a bit different if your sister was in financial difficulties and would struggle to afford everything she needs, but that doesn’t sound to be the situation here at all, so I don’t think there is anything remotely mean about hanging onto things

you sound traumatised by your experience and part of this is manifesting as hanging on to items.

its understandable, and YANBU to want to keep them. But two things can be true at once - this IS an overreaction to being asked to loan them out.

say no to your sister, she’s a cheeky lady. But still consider seeking support for your trauma and counselling etc - for your own good because I suspect it affects your life in other ways as well.

I think the OP is obviously maybe more attached to stuff then someone who didn't have infertility. However I do think it is a bit of a social norm that you don't expect baby clothes from someone who hasn't finished having kids. Just for practicalities sake if anything else as I don't think most people like sorting through things to give back/ making sure they don't get stained etc. But obviously it's not universal and in some families different.

Personally I would lend key bits like the next to me, baby gym and Moses basket with a clear expectation that they are to be returned in excellent condition. They will be very lightly used.

clothes I understand you not wanting share as stains are real!!!

personally I’d share other bits like sleeping bags but I like to get good use out of things and my mindset is I like to help people and not be too consumerist - save the planet etc!! But that’s me and you have to do you.

@Francescarae it is your stuff and entirely up to you what you do with it. I benefitted from some hand me downs from a friend. An over the bath baby bath and some snow suits and waterproof puddlesuits. Later she got our bumbo, a cot mobile and a bunch of UPF beach wear and sun hats. But all of these were offered because there was a suitable gap between our kids.

Im taking a guess that as your sister with more money feels entitled to demand/expect these items that she will not see the need to look after them. I mean they have already been used right?!

If they have sentimental value to you and were carefully chosen then I would say no you do not wish to share them.

Edited to add: The bath and bumbo are easily cleaned and used for a short time. The clothes were the wrong size/season for our second kids so were not missed.

You're not being mean. Your sister is being cheeky! If you're planning another transfer, saying no perfectly reasonable.

i think you are so right, it’s hard for people to understand who haven’t been through the trauma of IVF, we went through hell to have her after 8 years of struggles before going down the route of IVF, she’s also a rainbow baby so I may be a little over attached to her things more than I’ve realised but I hope and pray that we are lucky enough to have a second child that can wear her clothes, some could be unisex anyway, we will be transferring another embryo in May.

id rather spend the money buying my sister new things, they aren’t poor either, they actually are quite wealthy so could easily buy all new.

im so happy to hear you had a second and could use again x

You aren’t compelled. If you give them to her, you would be choosing to. No drama.

Thank you- I’m sorry that you’ve experienced loss along the way on top of infertility. It’s so hard and as your daughter is only 4 months old everything will still be very raw too. Whatever happens in the future, if and when you do decide to part with the items it needs to be on your terms and not because you feel pressured into it

My ivf DD is 18 and I’ve still got most of hers! The attachment is huge.

I think in your position I would explain you want to keep most for your next baby and do two things: 1/ sort a few bits you don’t mind giving away, basic baby gros, unwanted baby gifts, unworn bits and one nice thing to pass from cousin to cousin. 2/ explain you’ll need the Moses basket and cot but gift your sister a lovely Moses basket as her baby gift so it’s one less thing to buy and a nice gift to your new niece/nephew.

I loved the things my sister gave me for dd, some belonged to dn and some new, all felt special. I think doing something like this will make her feel she has some things from you but also hopefully she will understand you need and want to keep 99% of it for now.