Should I give my baby clothes to my sister?

[Francescarae]

My baby is 4 months old she’s an IVF baby and I’m planning to transfer another embryo next year, my sister has just found out that she’s pregnant and has said she wants all my baby items and I’m not sure how I feel about this, I planned to organise them and put them away for my hopefully future baby, I feel very attached to her baby clothes and the thought of them going elsewhere makes me want to cry, does this make me a bad person if I don’t give them to my sister? I am definitely going to try and have another baby in the next 7 months.

Also even if I do get them back they will be third hand by that point and might not be well looked after, she even wants her Moses basket and next to me crib etc, I’ve really looked after everything so we won’t have to buy it again, also they have a lot more money than we do and we will have to pay for our embryo transfer so then buying more baby items will be expensive.

I just planned on putting it all away and then sorting through it with excitement next time I am hopefully pregnant and planned on looking at my next baby in the same clothes etc and reminiscing about my first baby wearing them.

i know I could not a baby the same gender as the first but i still feel attached and it’s still possible I could have another girl.

thoughts please x

I should also say that I gave my brother all our clothes too. As someone else said I really loved seeing my niece wear them. And I asked for the nicer bits back to save or sell.

You shouldn’t have to give her anything!! No one should expect anything, or even bloody ask!!!
Only give her anything that you’re happy to give away, but don’t be pressured into doing so. As someone else said, just say you’re keeping everything for hopefully the next baby. And if anyone says anything, then tough!

I wouldn't give or loan them to her, as hopefully you will need them again. Does she know you are going to try for another child? If so she's bit of a CF even asking. I wouldnt have.

Op shouldn’t be guilted into not being “mean”. She’s had a IVF baby, I’m not surprised she wants to hang onto everything until SHE feels ready to get rid of it, not because someone is demanding that she does.

Op, everything you’ve bloody been through, you deserve to keep whatever the hell you want!!! Why do people always think you have to put the demands of others first over yourself.

I also feel very attached to them, we went through hell to have her, my sister said she will give extra but back but I’m not bothered about having extra bits back, if my sister wasnt pregnant there is no way I would get rid of anything, I haven’t put a single item on Vinted or even been able to pack her newborn clothes away yet, I’m not ready to even consider it and I’m hopeful that we will have another IVF baby (fingers crossed) I think baby clothes hold so much sentimental value, yes it might be nice to see a niece in them but I would rather see another daughter in them if I’m really honest, and not all baby clothes was well etc you can tell they aren’t new x

I would just have a sort through and give her the clothes and any other items you didn’t like or use. I’m going to sort through my baby clothes this winter and my youngest is 5!
I wouldn’t lend the Moses basket as I had to buy a new one for my second and it had such heavy use with my first!
Things like a steriliser, baby bath should be fine to lend.
Maybe buy her a big pack of vests and babygrows as a present from Asda or similar.

@londongirl12you may think yorue right but honestly you just sound mean. No-one is saying she has to do anything. No-one is demanding she does anything. But she asked for opinions and it is objectively quite selfish and mean not to lend some of your baby bits to your sister during the period in which you're not using them.

However OP seems to only want opinions from people who agree with her as those are the posts she's responding to. So probably not worth trying to give her any other views.

You're not going to be using them when she needs them and I'm sure she'd give them back.

Can't really get over the fact you apparently really want two kids (who will be siblings), but you're selfish with your own.

I think it’s fine to say you’re saving it, CF behaviour from her to just expect it all for free tbh. Maybe sort a few bits for her and leave it at that?

I can relate to you feeling attached to the items, we were exactly the same (also an IVF baby). We put everything away and labelled it. When we opened it all up for DD2 last year, we were so shocked to not really care about most of it or even remember a lot of the items. There was the odd thing we really remembered or felt sentimental about but a lot of it just felt like used baby clothes. We have kept much less of DD2’s, just special items.

ETA - I wouldn’t give things like a Moses basket to lend and just say because of SIDS risk. Swing chairs etc probably wouldn’t bother me but I do get if you have looked after it all and don’t know that she will, why would you want to. Just because you’re not going to be using it at that time doesn’t make it a free for all. Surely your sister knew she would have to get all this stuff when she got pregnant. FWIW my sister is having fertility treatment atm and I would give her everything if she wanted it, but she wouldn’t just expect it. However I think she will enjoy buying it herself. My oldest sister tried to give me so much stuff but I didn’t want a lot of it because surely people like choosing their own items for their own babies?!

I think this is very non-standard… in my experience nobody asks for hand downs and only people who have finished having babies offer them.

I have been given lots of things by colleagues enthusiastically clearing out as they move into pre-schooler territory, but nothing at all from SILs as they are all still having babies and need the stuff.

If I were you and had these things said I think I would feel quite hurt given your IVF journey. I’d be willing to pass on generic plain clothes but keep anything pretty or with significant memories (coming home outfit etc). As for the moses basket etc, that will have to be a personal call as technically you would have it back in time, but you seem skeptical of your sister’s ability to keep it in good condition.

To her they are free things, to you they are sentimental and precious. Please just say you need to keep them for your next baby, and will help her pick out what worked and is recommended. She might not give them back, she might gift them to someone else if you don’t have your next baby straight away. Please don’t risk it.

I’m interested in all opinions that’s why I asked peoples thoughts

Personally I would sort through and keep only the most sentimental things. Your baby might not be the same size in the same seasons, so you might not be able to reuse. As someone who also kept everything for another child and ended up not having one, I wished I had been more organised and sorted things out as soon as they outgrew it. It just seems so overwhelming now and I really want to declutter but it feels like a monumental task! Personally I would have loved to have seen my old baby clothes being used on a cousin, but I hate waste and it would seem so wasteful things just sitting there when they might not be reused and my sibling having to buy new.

Yes this is true and if my next transfer doesn’t work I I will have to go through another full cycle of IVF and not sure how long it could all take so they could easily end up else where in the meantime, her husbands sister is planning on trying next year too so how do I know they wouldn’t end up there if my transfer doesn’t work, at leased I know they are safe here until I need them x

I think it’s mean. My friend gave me every single thing she had, literally a car full. Then I gave the lot back to her for her second. None of it was in a condition any different to the one it was received in.

Is your sister always so rude and grabby? She should have waited for you to offer rather than demanded the items. I wouldn't give her things if you are planning another one imminently. I'm assuming she's having a free baby I.e. not via IVF so she's already doing better financially!

I wouldn't go through the faff of giving her anything unless you wouldn’t use it again. It is so easy to get hand me down baby clothes / stuff as people are usually very happy to offload it WHEN they feel they've completed their family. I wouldn't think to ask someone unless I was sure this was the case. You are allowed to keep your baby clothes for as long as you want and she's a bit cheeky to ask!

One of my SILs gave me a load of stuff and then changed her mind and decided she wanted it back which made me wish she hadn't bothered as none of it was named!

@Francescaraeyes but you're only really responding to the posts that are supportive of your view.

I don't get why people do this on MN. Am I being unreasonable? Yes. And then the OP proceeds to tell everyone why she is in fact being reasonable.

Yep her pregnancy was accidental they weren’t planning on having a baby for another three years so I always expected I might hand it over one day but after I’d had my second and last child, we spent thousands on baby stuff after IVF and it was hard x

I hate waste too but I think it can be a sentimental thing tied to feelings of wanting to expand your family. The same SIL asked to borrow baby clothes from me when she knew we were struggling to conceive our second but even though it was a loan I couldn't bring myself to pass them on. I think I felt if we didn't have another child I wouldn't be able to ask for them back. Now we've had the second I'm very happy to give things away!

OP a lot of this depends on your family dynamic. To me it’s just stuff so I wouldn’t care and would always want to help my family, plus it would make me really happy knowing my baby and her baby used the same things. I don’t think it’s cheeky she asked but you can do what you want with your stuff.

Tell her you want to save it for your next.

I just asked my SIL if I was pregnant when her kids were little if she would of given my her baby items and she said absolutely not as much as she loves me she said she would of kept it until she was done having kids, so many lots of people do hang on until they feel their family is complete x

I don’t get this expectation. Never heard of it until mn. And then when my nephew was born, my aunt scolded me for not giving her some stuff. Sounds weird to me.

I completely get how you feel and if I had any difficulties I wouldn’t then be able to ask for them back which feels sad x

Why because she thought you should keep it for yourself? X