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AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

516 replies

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

OP posts:
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VIOLETPUGH · 13/09/2025 19:18

You sound lovely !!!!!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/09/2025 19:19

For everyone saying a car seat is a car seat, there’s lots of choices:

  • one that’s permanently in the car or which you can take out
  • option to go on the pushchair wheels
  • ability to recline
  • isofix or seat belt or option for both
  • material that is easier to wipe clean
  • turning base
  • shock absorber wings
there’s a lot of things that you can choose and which will meet different people’s needs. Also the mil is saying it’s top of the range, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is.
BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 19:20

Limehawkmoth · 13/09/2025 19:15

please get your head in gear….most of stuff on your baby list will be used for longer than 6 months, some maybe will be used for 12 months and all will be confined to loft by 2 years. Unless you are very very wealthy, save your money and accept gifts with grateful thanks. Colours don’t matter. I can’t even remember the colour of our pram.

in your family life to come you will need a continuous splurge of other new “first purchases” and will spend excessive amounts more and you better start spending your money wisely or you’ll be in dept before you know it

here are some of the infinite lists of “first” you can look forward to splashing out on over the next 25 years

Clothes..oh good so many ….the first 6-12 month item, the first 12-18 month item, the first swimming couture, first hat, first proper trousers, pjs, dressing gown, big child pants ,first school uniform, first bra etc etc and you’ll still be buying them clothes till their in mid twenties.
stroller to replace said pram at as early as 12 months if dc is early Walker
big bed (and then another at teens plus all those new bedroom decoration schemes
potty
shoes, more shoes, more shoes (specially the size 15 adults when you have a 6 for 8 inch ds)
condoms - yep seriously (and the delights of visiting Gp for pill advice)
dental fees (save up for that you’ll need it as nhs dentist in short supply )
sanitary items (if girl)
bikes (well around 4 to 6 of them)
sports stuff
Games console
laptop
passport
mobile phones (god knows how many as the blighter loose and break them)
driving lessons
university maintainence costs
school trips
a the feckomg costumes you’re expected to come up with for this or that special non uniform school day
nursery fees
railcards
bus fares
taxi fees
first suit for interviews once gradulated
Rental deposit for first house when get first job
car loan cos silly blighter has no credit rating cos never used credit card to buld up credit
oh, and maybe first wedding dress or wedding suit
….and then, just as your bank balance has had chance to recover, the fun commercial binge shit starts again with grandkids if silly DIL will just use her common sense

and the list will go on and on… so many first …until you are silently screaming at just how quickly they pass through each stage and don’t need or can’t use the item lovingly chosen for more than 6 months. The shoes made me cry at times - one pair lasted just 2 months

any Gp offering to pay for stuff, bite their arm off. Yep, it’s fine to say look we need a pram to fit in car and car seat to fit with frame so would like to come with you to choose to make sure it works for me well, but that would be bloody brilliant, MIL.

as for baby list? Ditch it. Ask your nearest and dearest to ask you if you need anything for next 18 YEARS when they’re feeling generous and flush, rather than waste on silly cutesy stuff now. Then go bargain hunting on used stuff as much as possible (obviously you can’t for safety items ) , and borrow as much as possible you’ll soon find you’ll run out of storage space too 🤣

Talk about missing the point ...

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/09/2025 19:21

Limehawkmoth · 13/09/2025 18:47

Do you think there are loads of shops selling unsafe car seats?

theres Lots of car seats that are either less safe or less practical than others.
safety is one element and practical needs is another

Motherbear44 · 13/09/2025 19:21

dynamiccactus · 13/09/2025 16:58

Hmmmm I think you will find they don't. Both sets of grandparents bought things ds didn't necessarily need when he was younger. They certainly didn't consult us over every present and purchase!

Not all grandparents buy without asking. I have two baby grandchildren and for both they have been asked by family members before making big purchases. Shopping trips have been done together. It is just sensible.

For clothes purchases were done independently from parents. We all know that buying baby clothes is fun.

One of them let the Dad choose the buggy. It is beige. The Mum was like 🤦‍♀️you should have chosen black or dark blue. The pale colour quickly needed cleaning but she got over it and I have helped her wash it.

I am daily carer for one of them already so I have set up a donated play pen/cot in my house and I bought myself an easy clean top of the range high chair which I can use with the other little boy I care for.

I don’t think I am overbearing. I recall how I felt as a new mother and wanted to feel that I was making decisions (turning down a walker that was commonly used at the time). I always ask before doing new stuff eg I will only make him food after parents have tried it out. I asked about taking him to the park and was told they wanted to do the firsts on swing and slide. That is fine. I was so pleased that Mum was the first to find a tooth and saw him sitting for the first time. I hope he saves his first steps and first words for Mum and Dad.

So I understand what OP is saying. Granny was not thinking about how the parents feel. It is just a car seat. It is generous. It is overstepping though. I hope that for Granny’s sake that they can sort this out. The joy of having grandchildren is something money cannot buy.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:25

Happycherry39 · 13/09/2025 19:11

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. She is stepping on your toes and knows your plans to go view the car chairs and prams. It would have been nicer for her to have said once you choose one I would like to treat you to that as a gift from me. Not just take over like this.
All I will say is it probably feels as exciting for her to be having her first grandchild as it is for you to be having your first baby
but she has had her babies and needs to respect this is your turn
My mother in law used to do things like this all the time and it is horrible

It’s her 4th grandchild! However the other 3 now live abroad so I do get why she’s super excited about this baby and we appreciate the excitement. However as others said, as first time parents this is our moment, and she should let us have it really. We do involve her as much as we can (we even let her help us choose name) but I made it clear we will be choosing babygear such as pram & car seat so she needs to respect that.

OP posts:
eatreadsleeprepeat · 13/09/2025 19:25

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 18:57

I think that’s what most reasonable people would do!

Maybe you have to accept she isn’t reasonable. Good to learn it now. My MIL went and bought a whole pile of second hand toys for when we visited. We moved to the other end of the country (not because of this 😂) so hardly any got used. She bought clothes of her choice till I told her one lot would need to be returned as all man made fibres and I stuck to cotton because of skin issues.
When our first grandchild was due we offered a travel system but other grandparents doing that so we offered cot and nursery furniture, we made suggestions, parents chose and we paid. I do buy clothes but anything one off like winter jackets I get parents to approve. Their child, their family and they let us share so much so it doesn’t hurt to step back.

SouthernBelle21 · 13/09/2025 19:27

She's excited too. You're well within your rights to want to buy your own, and she's already said she'll keep it for her car.

Just gently and kindly let her know that you want to choose and buy the bigger items and you feel it's part of the process of becoming a parent for the first time.

But honestly, she's not acted with anything other than kindness here.

Motherbear44 · 13/09/2025 19:28

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:41

This! Thank you. When she bought lots of cashmere baby wear I said thank you. When i saw she has a fully kitted out nursery in her house when I was just 12 weeks back then, i said thank you that’s very kind. However for things like pram or car seat, we will be making the decision. And it’s not like it was done innocently cause she knows we have an appointment to check out our short list! I also honestly do think she went ahead because of the pram issue when she didn’t agree with the colours I was considering. She thought she’ll just purchase the car seat she thinks looks cute and we will be obliged to accept.

I have just noticed this. Cashmere baby wear would be one of the few things I would give back unless Granny also agreed to wash it. How do you hygienically remove body fluids that babies create from cashmere. That is nuts.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:30

Motherbear44 · 13/09/2025 19:21

Not all grandparents buy without asking. I have two baby grandchildren and for both they have been asked by family members before making big purchases. Shopping trips have been done together. It is just sensible.

For clothes purchases were done independently from parents. We all know that buying baby clothes is fun.

One of them let the Dad choose the buggy. It is beige. The Mum was like 🤦‍♀️you should have chosen black or dark blue. The pale colour quickly needed cleaning but she got over it and I have helped her wash it.

I am daily carer for one of them already so I have set up a donated play pen/cot in my house and I bought myself an easy clean top of the range high chair which I can use with the other little boy I care for.

I don’t think I am overbearing. I recall how I felt as a new mother and wanted to feel that I was making decisions (turning down a walker that was commonly used at the time). I always ask before doing new stuff eg I will only make him food after parents have tried it out. I asked about taking him to the park and was told they wanted to do the firsts on swing and slide. That is fine. I was so pleased that Mum was the first to find a tooth and saw him sitting for the first time. I hope he saves his first steps and first words for Mum and Dad.

So I understand what OP is saying. Granny was not thinking about how the parents feel. It is just a car seat. It is generous. It is overstepping though. I hope that for Granny’s sake that they can sort this out. The joy of having grandchildren is something money cannot buy.

Thank you and you sound sooo lovely! X

OP posts:
Katheclepto · 13/09/2025 19:30

It’s a tricky one.
She sounds like she wants to be involved which is great as neither of my son’s grandparents are. However she isn’t listening to you and respecting your boundaries. Let her have a little paddy and when she decides to talk to you both again, you can tell her how you feel.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/09/2025 19:31

SouthernBelle21 · 13/09/2025 19:27

She's excited too. You're well within your rights to want to buy your own, and she's already said she'll keep it for her car.

Just gently and kindly let her know that you want to choose and buy the bigger items and you feel it's part of the process of becoming a parent for the first time.

But honestly, she's not acted with anything other than kindness here.

But if you’re getting a car seat that comes out and can easily move between cars she doesn’t need one for her car so she has wasted money that could have gone towards other baby items. You need so much and it adds up so wasting money on duplicate items rather than the other things that are wanted is pointless

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:33

eatreadsleeprepeat · 13/09/2025 19:25

Maybe you have to accept she isn’t reasonable. Good to learn it now. My MIL went and bought a whole pile of second hand toys for when we visited. We moved to the other end of the country (not because of this 😂) so hardly any got used. She bought clothes of her choice till I told her one lot would need to be returned as all man made fibres and I stuck to cotton because of skin issues.
When our first grandchild was due we offered a travel system but other grandparents doing that so we offered cot and nursery furniture, we made suggestions, parents chose and we paid. I do buy clothes but anything one off like winter jackets I get parents to approve. Their child, their family and they let us share so much so it doesn’t hurt to step back.

Exactly!!!

Now it makes me wonder why hubby’s brother left the country… lol

OP posts:
Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:34

SouthernBelle21 · 13/09/2025 19:27

She's excited too. You're well within your rights to want to buy your own, and she's already said she'll keep it for her car.

Just gently and kindly let her know that you want to choose and buy the bigger items and you feel it's part of the process of becoming a parent for the first time.

But honestly, she's not acted with anything other than kindness here.

Yes my hubby was very polite but firm with her. She’s been ignoring him since but hopefully she’ll come to her senses soon!

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 13/09/2025 19:35

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/09/2025 19:31

But if you’re getting a car seat that comes out and can easily move between cars she doesn’t need one for her car so she has wasted money that could have gone towards other baby items. You need so much and it adds up so wasting money on duplicate items rather than the other things that are wanted is pointless

It's her money though. OP obviously doesn't have to accept any gifts but also can't tell MIL what to do with her money which OP has said herself to be fair to her.

BlueSeagull · 13/09/2025 19:36

Completely understand where you are coming from @Ivf4203. While generous of MIL it not her place to do this . If she wanted to share the excitement and purchase this for you why not offer to come with you while you were looking.

good luck for when baby is here I sense she is coming to over bearing and want baby to stop over night with her within first month.

Obeseandashamed · 13/09/2025 19:36

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:56

Yes agreed 100% and happy for her to keep the carseat as that’s her money but what I’m upset about is her ignoring my husband since as if waiting for an apology.

This isn’t the way your post read at all. You’re not doing her a favour by moving on. She was trying to be helpful & it’s been met with being ungrateful and rebuffed.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:37

Motherbear44 · 13/09/2025 19:28

I have just noticed this. Cashmere baby wear would be one of the few things I would give back unless Granny also agreed to wash it. How do you hygienically remove body fluids that babies create from cashmere. That is nuts.

Exactly but thought to be political so just said thank you to avoid hurting her feelings. The car seat was a different matter though (to me and hubby at least!).

OP posts:
DoinFineIThink · 13/09/2025 19:41

BoredZelda · 13/09/2025 16:10

I can’t believe so many are not supporting you here. She is being overbearing and your baby isn’t here yet. This isn’t about a pram or a car seat, it’s about her not listening to you. The whole ‘she’s generous, just accept it’ is bullshit. How much do you accept just because she is pretending to be nice.

Tell her thanks for the offer, but you want to check out car seats in your own time. She’s welcome to chip in if she wants to, but you don’t have to accept anything she chooses.

This
It's not "she's just buying you a car seat, what's your problem?"
Presumably those saying that have not had an overbearing, undermining in law.
It really does get you down when say parenting decisions are poo poohed and you're ignored, or when they're trying to control everything and won't take no for an answer.
What's wrong with wanting to experience buying things for yourself?
I think it's good that you're thinking about setting boundaries now, do it now before it gets worse.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:42

BlueSeagull · 13/09/2025 19:36

Completely understand where you are coming from @Ivf4203. While generous of MIL it not her place to do this . If she wanted to share the excitement and purchase this for you why not offer to come with you while you were looking.

good luck for when baby is here I sense she is coming to over bearing and want baby to stop over night with her within first month.

To be honest i’m already expecting it but will let hubby deal with her when it comes to it. As i mentioned earlier she was already talking about her ‘picks’ for private school options etc. Again i know this is all very generous but we will make the decision for our child end of!

OP posts:
1543click · 13/09/2025 19:42

Ap42 · 13/09/2025 18:44

I get this! My eldest is now 13. My now ex MIL did exactly the same. I bled throughout most of my pregnancy, it was difficult to get excited until I was sure I wasn't going to lose him. She was talking travel systems, car seats and I felt overwhelmed and rail roaded. Once he was born, she wanted his birth certificate to open him a bank account, even though we had already declined as this was something I wanted to do for him. She caused no end of arguments, stress and tension. Hence the ex is now the ex, and I no longer have to deal with her.
Its your baby, your body, do things your way.

I don't understand the bank account bit. Why wouldn't you want your child to have his grandparents saving for him.
It wouldnt stop you opening your own account if you wanted to. Children can have more than one account.
It was actually very generous of them.
To stop her was ridiculous .
I'm sure your child would have appreciated it when he was older!

winteralready25 · 13/09/2025 19:43

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:06

Omg how did you guess??? Yes she now has turned one of her bedrooms to a full nursery!! She has everything from crib, moses basket, all clothes, all of it!!

The full nursery at hers sounds like she'll be pushing for the baby to stay overnight asap - this is what you need to save your energy for. A car seat is pretty meah.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 19:43

DoinFineIThink · 13/09/2025 19:41

This
It's not "she's just buying you a car seat, what's your problem?"
Presumably those saying that have not had an overbearing, undermining in law.
It really does get you down when say parenting decisions are poo poohed and you're ignored, or when they're trying to control everything and won't take no for an answer.
What's wrong with wanting to experience buying things for yourself?
I think it's good that you're thinking about setting boundaries now, do it now before it gets worse.

Thank you!

OP posts:
ladykale · 13/09/2025 19:43

She can keep it to use if she drives the baby anywhere? That’s the easiest solution. Silly to tell her to return it

DoinFineIThink · 13/09/2025 19:44

I also honestly do think she went ahead because of the pram issue when she didn’t agree with the colours I was considering. She thought she’ll just purchase the car seat she thinks looks cute and we will be obliged to accept

That's exactly the type of thing mine does. You have my sympathies.

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