AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

This. C'mon lucky you that has someone wanting to be involved and buy stuff. This is a non issue. She keeps this car seat for her car. You get another car seat. Don't start worrying about nothing.

My DC are grown up now (or almost) and I wouldn’t dream of buying big items like that without consulting. I’d offer to buy a few things, but 100% would let the parents choose. MIL has had her time raising babies, she needs to wind her neck in now or will cause more problems.

Have sent you a PM @Ivf4203 - hope it's helpful.

Car seats are pretty good hills to die on in my opinion.

We didn’t want her to waste her money so suggested she returns it but when she refused and said she’ll keep for her own use that was fine by us as long as suitable for baby. I’m not sure when she will use it though but it’s up to her if she wants to keep it.

Yes that was what we agreed on however she’s since been ignoring hubby which suggests she’s unhappy with the outcome.

I totally get this, my mil would have wanted to buy and micromanage everything possible. It's your firstborn, possibly your only born. You want to make decisions for yourself. Why shouldn't you?

I don't really see purchasing a car seat as some important emotional milestone that will be seen as a future precious memory.

She bought you something expensive and you said you'd rather get your own. She said that's ok I'll use it for my car. To me she hasn't done anything terrible.

💯

Yes we thought we’re all fine but she has since been ignoring my hubby which suggests she’s not happy with the outcome. Anyway hubby said don’t get all worked up about this as she’s usually like this when she doesn’t get her way however she’ll soon snap out of it. He’s probably right.

Thank you ++++++++

It’s very common for Grandparents to drive the Grandchildren around and look after the grandchildren overnight occasionally. My car has permanent car seats and we have a bedroom for sleepovers . My daughter is very grateful for our help and support regarding the children,likewise my few friends who are now grandparents are just as involved.

I hope so. Could you call her and just say we really appreciate the gesture but we just had our heart set on picking certain things. And you apologise if it seemed ungrateful or rude.

I don't think it's worth falling out over. And better the devil you know, as they say.

How do you know what help and support she needs?

Of course and we obviously want her in our child’s life we are not refuting that at all. However she needs to appreciate that we, as parents, make the decisions for our baby. If she wants to buy us a car seat for us to use, thanks but we will choose the best one we think is available. If she wants to pay for our child’s private education, thanks but we will choose the school although i think that’s entirely a different thread.

Crikey, I think you need to wait until you actually have some real problems in your life and then you’ll look back and be embarrassed by your behaviour here.
Absolutely this.
Robbing your expierence of buying a car seat!! Grow up!
This is one hell of a ludicrous post

Of course and we obviously want her in our child’s life we are not refuting that at all. However she needs to appreciate that we, as parents, make the decisions for our baby.
Its a bloody car seat.

It was nice of her to be so excited, but it's a piece of safety equipment and I would like to have been consulted about that. I'm quite particular about my choice of car seat and most mainstream shops (eg Halfords/Smiths etc) don't stock Swedish plus tested ERF seats, so their top of the range doesn't align with my idea of top of the range. If my parents had done that I would politely thank them, but also be firm that I wanted to do my own research and choose the best for me.

It really doesn't matter what you see a baby car seat purchase as - it's what OP and her DH see it as that's important.
MIL knew they had an appointment to go and look at their short-list of car seats (having done their research) and she went out and bought one anyway without consulting them. And now that her DS has, politely, told his DM that they are choosing their own and suggested she return it to save her money, she's sulking and giving him the cold-shoulder. Terrible? No. Childish, manipulative and controlling? Absolutely.

Yeah this would really irritate me. You have every right to be annoyed.

My mother in law tried to open our Daughter a junior isa without even asking us and only
told us when she wasn’t allowed to. She said, isnt that crazy that only a parent can do it, I was like no thats completely normal what’s crazy is a grandparent taking it upon themselves to open something legal for a minor without even discussing it with their parents first 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

I think you are absolutely right OP, set your boundaries now. She sounds like a nightmare.

Another first time mum on a power trip

I'm assuming from her user name that OP has had some real problems. This is the Pregnancy board, not AIBU but there have been a lot of really insensitive and rude posts like yours.

But it’s not common for everyone. My children hve never been driven anywhere by a grandparent, and my eldest is 15. Likewise, I don’t allow my children to sleep anywhere until they ask to. And none of them have ever asked to stay at a grandparents house, so none of them have ever stayed overnight at any of their grandparents house.
so while you do this and may know people that do. Not everyone wants it, and it’s not common for everyone.

when I was pregnant with our first, my MIL took it upon herself to research baby carriers and bought one for us. I was so grateful for the research and decision making being taken care of for one main item - there’s just so much to do in those early days. I’d have seen it as this - something helpful that freed up our own time.

She did a cracking job too, opting for the ergo 360 👌

If you had only found out what she had bought, before rejecting, you may have been pleased and this would have been a non issue!

No, an overbearing MIL on a power trip.