AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

Lol this made me laugh!!

Given the OP's username your mean spirited little comment is even nastier.

No but I prefer those ones that are meant for newborns rather than the ones you have to get a newborn insert for then use until they are four years old. That is a personal preference though which I’d like to apply to my baby.

Yeah see from where I am I would be thinking ‘brilliant - saved us a job”.

Robbed you of rhe experience of buying a car seat - now I have heard everything. It’s a car seat - gwt some perspective.

You want to be offended and upset. Your attitude stinks.

I would say the cost of car seats if she bought a high spec one I personally would be biting her hand off!
But I also see the other side of boundaries and also you need to know which one partly because not all brands fit all cars!

The fitting the pram thing - not an issue. Babies should only be in car seats for 30 mins or less til 1 month old (yes really - that advise made us getting home from the hospital fun at an hours journey) and max 2 hours after that.
Whilst many mums find it easier to click a car seat to a pram reality is for any length of time (be it out and about/shopping etc) you should be putting them into the bassinet. Or you cheat and buy a lie flat car seat!

You do get nasty comments like such but the overwhelmingly majority are kind and supportive even if some disagree with me. I just tune the odd ones out but appreciate you calling it out!

There are very few car seats which go to 4 years old from newborn OP!

They may say from 0 size but the fine print is very different and usually says once baby can hold neck or is x number of cm! Most parents have a infant carrier car seat which is typically to 75/85cm (max about 18 months)

There are very few car seats which go to 4 years old from newborn OP!

They may say from 0 size but the fine print is very different and usually says once baby can hold neck or is x number of cm! Most parents have a infant carrier car seat which is typically to 75/85cm (max about 18 months)

I think that’s what most reasonable people would do!

This thread got real negative real quick.

Some of us have bad experiences with parents-in-law, and have been anxious about how having a baby will go with them involved. I don't think that's a reason to call someone 'selfish' 'ungrateful' or a 'brat'. I hope all your MILs are perfect angels and never overstep and always say and do the right thing..

Yes. There are. Hope that helps. Legal, does not equal safe.

We gave DS and DIL £1k to choose bedroom furniture themselves for DGD. I bought a car seat, for my car, for when I’m having DGD for free one day a week, I checked with DIL that the safety met with her approval, but I picked the colour and brand myself to match my car and help with my back, it’s one of those 360 ones.

We’re all happy.

Is this the hill to die on?

I need a new washing machine; please please would one of you lovely people come and ‘rob me of the experience’ and sort it all out 😂

But your approach was very different from the approach of the OPs MIL. No hill involved in your situation you let them choose for themselves and asked about the safety of the one for your car. No issues at all.

Iv been there too! So my MIL had to take my niece home when SIL was in labour. She rolled up and was told take her straight home and wait for dad to come back. She brought new car seat and took her shopping and for dinner then once dad had called asking where are they? She decided she would bring her back. MIL never bothers but is more than happy to shout from the roof top about her grandchildren. She’s tried a few things with me too but my husbands good and stops her straight in her tracks. My advice set boundary’s now. Yes you will get the looks, huffs and puffs but in the long run it’s worth it. When my second was born I said she can come around in a week NOT just drop in a few hours after getting home. I wouldn’t worry. Let your husband deal with her and just keep you updated.

Re car seats the best place to buy them isn’t from a shop usually. Research online which is the safest and which ones are extended rear facing etc - Brittax have the best and safest in car crashes and tests and I bought the extended rear facing one from them direct and it was way cheaper

and it has nothing to do with anything how the child was conceived. It's a first baby, we get it, most of us had one!

You can't blame posters to find the need for every mundane thing to become "an experience" 😂

Yes she did cross a boundary by purchasing the car seat, she needs to back off. But you should have seen it before telling her that you don’t want it, just in case it was one that did actually want. Was that the part that hurt her feelings maybe?

I can’t believe these comments saying you are in the wrong lol, you aren’t. It’s your baby, you get to shop for a car seat, you get to research the car seat and you get to choose and pay for the car seat. It’s not like you’ve asked her to buy you one because you aren’t in a financial position to do so yourself. Yes, she was being kind by buying it for you, but she should have asked you first. Or asked what one you would like and then offer to reimburse you for it. You are right to set boundaries now, otherwise it sets a precedent that she can do what she likes going forward. Don’t let the comments on this post make you feel like you are in the wrong here, because you really aren’t.

My MIL has been known to do things like this in the past but we usually just roll our eyes to ourselves. Not worth getting worked up over. In our case we’ve asked to see what she’s bought before making a decision and if it’s something we don’t like we politely explain why and ask can we change it for what we want. It’s never been an issue and no one’s feelings were hurt. She’s better about checking exactly what we want now and we’re very grateful for anything she buys for the kids.
It sounds like your MIL is just really excited for this baby and wants to be involved. I feel a bit sorry for her. I do understand emotions are high when you’re pregnant but try not to let something like this get to you.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. She is stepping on your toes and knows your plans to go view the car chairs and prams. It would have been nicer for her to have said once you choose one I would like to treat you to that as a gift from me. Not just take over like this.
All I will say is it probably feels as exciting for her to be having her first grandchild as it is for you to be having your first baby
but she has had her babies and needs to respect this is your turn
My mother in law used to do things like this all the time and it is horrible

Things to think about for car seats:

• Safety testing - not all car seats are tested to the same standards.
• Child's weight and height - some car seats are better suited for smaller babies. Others advertise themselves as being suitable from birth but don't give a good fit until the child is older.
• Car compatibility - some seats are more space hungry than others.
• Travel system compatibility.

So it really isn't as simple as walking into a shop and buying the most expensive one there.

Can't you read? "Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us"
Us. Not for her car (that suggestion came later). She “bought US a car seat”. You bought a car seat for your car.

But you worked with your son and daughter and law? This MIL is ignoring the wishes of hers.

I agree with this.

and she won’t be able to ignore your husband for long if she wants to stay involved, so just leave her to sulk for a bit.

please get your head in gear….most of stuff on your baby list will be used for longer than 6 months, some maybe will be used for 12 months and all will be confined to loft by 2 years. Unless you are very very wealthy, save your money and accept gifts with grateful thanks. Colours don’t matter. I can’t even remember the colour of our pram.

in your family life to come you will need a continuous splurge of other new “first purchases” and will spend excessive amounts more and you better start spending your money wisely or you’ll be in dept before you know it

here are some of the infinite lists of “first” you can look forward to splashing out on over the next 25 years

Clothes..oh good so many ….the first 6-12 month item, the first 12-18 month item, the first swimming couture, first hat, first proper trousers, pjs, dressing gown, big child pants ,first school uniform, first bra etc etc and you’ll still be buying them clothes till their in mid twenties.
stroller to replace said pram at as early as 12 months if dc is early Walker
big bed (and then another at teens plus all those new bedroom decoration schemes
potty
shoes, more shoes, more shoes (specially the size 15 adults when you have a 6 for 8 inch ds)
condoms - yep seriously (and the delights of visiting Gp for pill advice)
dental fees (save up for that you’ll need it as nhs dentist in short supply )
sanitary items (if girl)
bikes (well around 4 to 6 of them)
sports stuff
Games console
laptop
passport
mobile phones (god knows how many as the blighter loose and break them)
driving lessons
university maintainence costs
school trips
a the feckomg costumes you’re expected to come up with for this or that special non uniform school day
nursery fees
railcards
bus fares
taxi fees
first suit for interviews once gradulated
Rental deposit for first house when get first job
car loan cos silly blighter has no credit rating cos never used credit card to buld up credit
oh, and maybe first wedding dress or wedding suit
….and then, just as your bank balance has had chance to recover, the fun commercial binge shit starts again with grandkids if silly DIL will just use her common sense

and the list will go on and on… so many first …until you are silently screaming at just how quickly they pass through each stage and don’t need or can’t use the item lovingly chosen for more than 6 months. The shoes made me cry at times - one pair lasted just 2 months

any Gp offering to pay for stuff, bite their arm off. Yep, it’s fine to say look we need a pram to fit in car and car seat to fit with frame so would like to come with you to choose to make sure it works for me well, but that would be bloody brilliant, MIL.

as for baby list? Ditch it. Ask your nearest and dearest to ask you if you need anything for next 18 YEARS when they’re feeling generous and flush, rather than waste on silly cutesy stuff now. Then go bargain hunting on used stuff as much as possible (obviously you can’t for safety items ) , and borrow as much as possible you’ll soon find you’ll run out of storage space too 🤣