AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

YANBU - she’s definitely overstepping. If she wanted to give you/the baby a nice car seat, she could easily have waited until after you’d viewed them. Maybe you’d have liked a pricey one and she could then have offered to pay for it for you as a present. That would be nice. But, choosing one off her own back without consulting you and when she knew you were going to look at them was no mistake. She’s completely overstepping and trying to take over.

Her sulking now is to guilt trip you into accepting the car seat she bought. Don’t. Just ignore her and carry on breezily and pleasantly - after all, she said she’d use the car seat in her car.

My parents ‘bought’ my babies prams and buggies, once by asking what we wanted and getting it for us; another time by giving us money after we’d bought a buggy; and a third time by giving a lump sum to spend on baby stuff of our choice. At no point did they decorate a nursery, buy things without checking, or indulge in manipulative sulking.

My mum did this. I explained that I wanted to choose things as it was my baby, not hers. She never has my child so she’s learned that she’s wasting her money. It’s a bit presumptuous of her to make a nursery?! Have you even asked her to do any childcare?

ps do you research re car seats- lie flat seats are unnecessary for most babies and not as safe as a regular infant carrier.

I was just thinking about this but then why buy it? What a boring thing for a grandparent to go out and choose? They were excited about the appointment and it's a boring item so why go and buy one? A teddy or playmat or outfits I can understand not being able to resist but a car seat? What a ridiculous thing to try to take control of.

I’ve read the OP and subsequent OPs…. Maybe I just don’t come from the same background where you just turn you nose up at a top of the range car seat because you didn’t get to choose it. Choosing a car seat isn’t a big exciting baby buy, it’s literally a practical item to get them from a to b. As long as it meets the relevant safety standards, it really doesn’t matter.

I hate this attitude on MN where grandparents just don’t matter, the way some people are acting like it’s completely unimaginable that grandparents might have their kids to stay or travel in their car.

It’s a car seat. Check it fits your pushchair / car / meets your relevant safety requirements, smile and say thank you very much. If needs be, ask DH to say you don’t want her buying anything else. It’s not that deep.

Careful, you are turning into nasty territory. No need to start a competition about how excited parents are because of the way the baby was conceived or how pregnancy is going. It has literally nothing to do with anything.

Alternatively - car seats are expensive and boring so better to kindly buy it and allow the OP and her DH to spend their hard earned money on the fun, personal items.

Who gets excited about a car seat appointment!!

My MIL would never dream of buying something this big (used every day) without consulting. She would tell us to pick it and she would pay for it. Picking what she wants is very clearly her trying to get too involved and I think that’s just the tip of the iceberg - OP just wait until baby is here.

It doesn't matter! They were excited and told MIL how excited they were. Also, car seats are quite personal, is it going to fit their car? Their pram? Are the straps awkward? Is it easy for them to use the headrest? It is actually something it's useful to choose yourself.

You don't know it's top of the range! You just know that she's bought the 'most expensive one available' in the shop. You don't know whether they're a specialist retailer, or Halfords or Smyths, which have a more limited range, or whether she's bought whatever was available in the local supermarket. It could be a great seat, but it could be rubbish.

“she’s crossed the line”

”we need to make sure boundaries are respected”

You sound childish and silly.

What has she actually done wrong here? She has bought a car seat to use in her own car, she’s expressed an opinion about colours, she’s shown excitement about the arrival of her grandchild. She hasn’t taken anything from you, either material or experience. I feel really sorry for her. Have you ever heard the expression “it takes a village to raise a child”? Your child will benefit hugely in life from having a loving grandmother. Stop being selfish and embrace an extended family.

It’s not even that - parents want a car seat that is compatible with their pram. Since they haven’t bought the pram yet, the GM is not only dictating what car seat they have, but also they now have to buy a pram that’s compatible, and not the other way around. So she’s actually just taken control of the entire travel system.

@Chick981 "Choosing a car seat isn’t a big exciting baby buy ..." For you it's not, but for OP and her DH for their first baby it is - can't you just accept that? OP's MIL knew she and her DH had an appointment to look at their short-list of car seats, but went out and bought one anyway without consulting them. She didn't get her way about the choice of pram, so she's ridden rough-shod over OP and her DH and has tried to force her choice of car seat on them. And because OP's DH has, politely, pushed back she's now sulking! I'm genuinely amazed you can't see this behaviour for what it is; manipulative and controlling.
And it's sheer nonsense to say there's an attitude of "grand-parents don't matter" on MN - that's simply untrue. There are a few normal, generous DGPs on this thread who have said exactly what they would do i.e. offer to pay for a large ticket item like this - not go out and buy it, completely disregarding their adult child's own choice!

No I'm not. The poster I was responding to was turning into nasty territory for mocking OP for being excited about buying a car seat.

@AngelicKaty @Miffylou thank you so much for your kind comments and to the many others sorry I can’t mention you all! I think for some, a car seat is a boring thing but for us, it’s exciting. It’s our first baby and if you know us in real life you’d know how excited we are for baby. I know we will have bigger problems in the future but we are excited to shop babygear for the upcoming little one and we have the right to choose what we prefer esp the big ticket items. It would have been nice if MIL waited for our baby list and pick anything from that list. Not sure how this not speaking thing is going to last but hopefully not long as I of course do not want to fall out with her. We live in the same area so will constantly see each other everywhere! Lol. I do feel it’s gonna be a constant battle though of keeping her within boundaries. Fortunately hubby is very supportive.

YANBU OP! It's odd for her to just jump ahead and buy an item like that without even checking with you first, especially if she knew that you had an appointment to look at car seats! You're the one that's going to be using it everyday after all. If she'd have sent you a link to it first an asked you if you wanted her to buy it that's different, that's what my MIL would always do rather than just buy it without asking, she has no right to annoyed at your DH.

This is the pregnancy section which you wouldn't think from the responses, feels like AIBU board. I get it OP I really do. I didn't have an overbearing MIL but my sister did so I got to see it from the sidelines including the MIL referring to the child as her DD. Ouch.

My MIL asked what my Mum was buying for us, I said a pram, she asked if she could gift us a cot. Of course. But with both our Mums we chose, they had a budget and could pay whatever they wanted toward the items but we chose the pram and the cot. Our decisions.

We included them because they were excited, first grandchild for PIL, 3rd grandchild for my parents. We did walk round Mothercare with them individually MIL especially commenting on how things have changed but in a positive upbeat way. Plus it gave them a feel for prices and we showed her the cotbed we had chosen.

Yes for some on this thread car seats are not exciting but it is nice looking at what is out there and sometimes they don't fit well into the car. What the MIL did was know they were going car seat shopping and beat them to it by getting in there first. No the OP and her Dh shouldn't be grateful they should be wary she is overstepping boundaries.

You absolutely do have the right to choose what you want for your baby - your MIL has had her babies, and now it's your turn. Lovely tgat she wants to be involved and that she's excited, but she needs to back off and not impose her views or purchases on you both. If she wants to pay for the things you want or need for your baby then that's very kind of her, but just because her bank balance is bigger than yours doesn't give her the right to dictate.

Hopefully she'll come to her senses soon and stops being so giddy.

MIL knew they were looking forward to going to choose a carseat, but jumped in and took that choice away from them, or tried to. That is "controlling" in MNspeak, and quite unkind. Its like a signal that she expects to have a share in the baby and is happy to disregard the parents' wishes.

@Ivf4203 would you mind if I PM'd you quickly?

I get this! My eldest is now 13. My now ex MIL did exactly the same. I bled throughout most of my pregnancy, it was difficult to get excited until I was sure I wasn't going to lose him. She was talking travel systems, car seats and I felt overwhelmed and rail roaded. Once he was born, she wanted his birth certificate to open him a bank account, even though we had already declined as this was something I wanted to do for him. She caused no end of arguments, stress and tension. Hence the ex is now the ex, and I no longer have to deal with her.
Its your baby, your body, do things your way.

Not at all please be kind though! Lol xx

Do you think there are loads of shops selling unsafe car seats?

Are you MIL?

So sorry you’ve gone through that!!

Definitely not 😂