AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

I get what you’re saying, I really do. MIL showed me the nursery at her house she said to celebrate my 12 weeks. It was beyond beautiful. She had a Snoo bassinet there which I since learned cost so much. I said thank you for all her efforts but it did put a bit of pressure on me because there is still a possibility of losing the baby and it would be heartbreaking to disappoint everyone around me including MIL if that happens. I thought it was a little bit insensitive, but also recognise she is very excited so we let that pass and did not make a big deal out of it. It’s in her house anyway.

I have never said that I won't reply to you. I think you must be thinking of another poster that you are arguing with.

You are being awful to a vulnerable OP so don't talk about other people being nasty.

OP's MIL has stopped speaking to her own son because he told her that they are still attending the appointment to choose their own travel system. The silent treatment is used by controlling people to punish people who don't fall in line. OP is remarkably tolerant of her overbearing MIL and won't be going no contact. She is just putting her foot down about the car seat which she is perfectly entitled to do.

You are pregnant with hormones flying all over the place and things you may have shrugged off previously or not felt sensitive about will be heightened. You have a strong husband so dont worry he will have your back. Whatever grandma says you know you dont have to take any notice.of. Dont let her bother you and do what you and your husband want to do. Its just.a fact of life that some people have overbearing parents especially mothers and their sons (they thinl they know best) but your husband is strong and is putting you first.so mother's nose is out of joint.

Think positives, and try to enjoy your pregnancy and not think too much of the future.

Lots of hugs and kisses to you x

What a nasty, spiteful, bitter post - do you feel better now that you've spewed out that bile?

I think it’s you who has something wrong with you. How is it "wishing to break up a family" by expecting a man to support his wife rather than his mother about choices to be made for their baby?

I wonder whether you feel so strongly about this because you have just realised that others might view you as overbearing and interfering too…

I see you are now sending hugs and kisses to the OP after finally realising what she's been going through. Good for you - the bile spewing must have worked.

OP was MIL this wealthy when her boys were babies? I wonder if that's part of it.

I think you think this is me. It isn’t. It’s someone else. Maybe you are the one that needs to actually read! 🙄

And I am replying this time because you clearly have an issue with me. I’m not bitter. I just have respect for boundaries. How about you stop calling me names and look into your self.

No you’re right, what a cow for buying a good quality car seat. Proper bitchy behaviour.

You certainly are - that much is very obvious from your posts.

Names? You're getting yourself so worked up you're confusing posters.

Husband has already shown that he is supporting his wife. What's wrong with you?. I have had lovely responses from the poster as, unlike you, she is not itching to break up family and has the support of her husband. All you seem to want is a nasty battle between them. Husband is strong so grandma cant control them so, what's your problem? Just bitter and twisted unlike the poster.

If you read my post none of them have been hateful or spiteful towards the poster. NONE. Clearly another unhinged person off their meds!

If you have read my posts no bile was put towards the poster. NONE whatsoever. People like you make things up as you go along to fit your own twisted narrative. Only bitter twisted people who like to see families at war will spin and twist the narrative. Bitter and twisted to the core.

In our family, pregnancies are not even announced beyond the core people until well after twelve weeks because of miscarriages. In this (and, I feel, the OP’s) context, kitting out a nursery seems extremely insensitive. It could cause great distress just when it’s the last thing that’s needed. MIL is making this couple’s family life about her, not them. This is overstepping, overbearing and obtuse.

Most people would be delighted about receiving such lovely gifts. Is he her first grandchild ? May b e she's really trying to be involved and generous .

Did you miss where the OP says she's usually overbearing though, and completely ignored what OP and DH wanted saying it was "common" "boring" and went ahead and bought what she liked anyway, even though she knew they were excited to look around themselves? That's not being involved and generous. If she genuinely wanted to do a nice thing she'd ask them what they liked and then pay for it.
It's overstepping, especially when she's now sulking to presumably make them feel guilty and "come around" to her "generosity".

Ivf4203 · Today 11:00
Thanks all for your replies. Some of you said to just accept it and say thank you and move on even though MIL was specifically told we would like to personally look at prams and car seats ourselves and that we were very excited about it

Did you invite your DMiL to go with you and make her feel included, she is going to be the DGM, isn’t she?

The nursery is in grandmas house not the poster's house. Poster does not live with the MIL grandma. If Grandma builds a mini Disneyland in her back garden thats up to her. Grandma never kitted out a surprise nursery in poster's house for poster to come back to see everyday.
Poster has a strong husband but he cant tell grandma what ahe can and cant do in her own house. Neither can grandma compel them to go into the nursery in her house. ...and so?

Stop acusing people of being mentally unwell and 'off their meds'. That is hateful, spiteful and ableist, even if not directed at the OP. You've already had one post deleted for breaking Mumsnet posting guidelines.

Doesn’t the poster know it’s there?

I’m sat here looking at my 11 month old son and really hoping he doesn’t end up with someone like this.

She’s probably not ignoring your Dh, she’s probably just done with you and your ungrateful attitude. You do realise she bought that for her son for his child right? Would he have been so rude to his mother if he wasn’t appeasing you?
Hopefully it’s just hormones and you’re usually a nicer person.

There are a lot of assumptions in this reply.

I’m not sure if you read the context I provided before writing these comments.

Thank you. The ‘common’ and ‘boring’ comments were for the pram but yes she went ahead to get the car seat she wants despite us requesting we will be choosing that and the pram. And that she can still get us either of the two, it’s just that she will have to get what we chose.