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AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

516 replies

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

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Anxiouscatt · 14/09/2025 18:20

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

You should’ve moan! My mil and fil bought second hand pram ( broken) half bits were missing, no hood for our first child. It was very heavy pram I couldn’t even lift, and it had holes in too.
i gave money and managed to send my friend to Argos to buy secretly a new push chair and said that she bought it for us as gift.
Also mil bought a car seat, again, ripped straps etc, broken. We had to used it, I remember the seat went flying across the car few times..

deste · 14/09/2025 18:22

Im not actually sure why you posted here because you were never going to listen anyway.

tinytemper66 · 14/09/2025 18:22

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:18

Someone’s asked this in the past comments. Both sides and friends gifted us with various things mainly clothes, toys, vouchers etc which are all very much appreciated. And no, MIL is not ‘evil’ but she could be overbearing and controlling which gets really tedious at times. If you respect boundaries, I am confident that you will have no similar issues with your own DIL.

I couldn’t be bothered to read all the other comments as the app on my phone is a pain in the arse.

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:27

It led to a discussion which in my opinion is what forums are for. It’s not about forcing someone to change their stand, but helping see different perspectives. I’m not sure why you posted your comment as you didn’t contribute to the discussion very much.

OP posts:
Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:27

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:27

It led to a discussion which in my opinion is what forums are for. It’s not about forcing someone to change their stand, but helping see different perspectives. I’m not sure why you posted your comment as you didn’t contribute to the discussion very much.

@deste

OP posts:
RigIt · 14/09/2025 18:30

You are being incredibly ungrateful and ridiculous.

Sharptonguedwoman · 14/09/2025 18:31

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:06

Omg how did you guess??? Yes she now has turned one of her bedrooms to a full nursery!! She has everything from crib, moses basket, all clothes, all of it!!

It doesn't hurt you, despite being a bit mad. Honestly when DD was born we were broker than a broke thing. We had second hand everything, bought for a song. Be grateful. Times and regulations have changed as have regulations but when your child has been sick in the car seat a few times, these things fade into insignificance.

Odin2018 · 14/09/2025 18:31

Sunnyscribe · 13/09/2025 16:07

You're husband sounds really supportive, and he basically already told her to back off in his response I would leave it there.

I'd also be annoyed about this as well. It's not her job, she's overstepping, but I think your husband dealt with it well.

This.

Grandma is excited too, and thought she was doing something nice to help you and take a bit of the weight off your shoulders, however, you told her you were going ro look for a carseat and pram. Grandma should have just offered to come with you to choose or offered to pay for rhe car seat and not just gone out and got one.

Me personally, we bought the car seat before the baby BUT if MIL had bought it , this would not have bothered me at all. If it was the pram... then that would have been another matter as you need it to suit your own personal lifestyle.

MIL has had a bit of a shock and is hurt. Give her time. Invite her to come.see the baby and all hopedully be finea soon. Dont sweat the small stuff. Ma.y husbands would refuse to say anything at all to their mother. As another has said,, pick your battles.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/09/2025 18:34

deste · 14/09/2025 18:22

Im not actually sure why you posted here because you were never going to listen anyway.

She's posted on the Pregnancy board, not AIBU and luckily she has found lots of support. OP is kinder and more tolerant of her MIL than I would be.

Lyraloo · 14/09/2025 18:41

Yes, sadly it’s mostly you! It’s rather pathetic to say she’s robbing you of anything, most people would be really grateful for such an expensive gift. You have hundreds of things to buy for your baby, are you going to turn down every gift from family and friends, or is the real problem that you have a problem with your mil?

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:45

Sharptonguedwoman · 14/09/2025 18:31

It doesn't hurt you, despite being a bit mad. Honestly when DD was born we were broker than a broke thing. We had second hand everything, bought for a song. Be grateful. Times and regulations have changed as have regulations but when your child has been sick in the car seat a few times, these things fade into insignificance.

I wasn’t complaining about MIL’s own nursery at all, it was in response to someone else’s comment/question. I found it odd at 12 weeks but said thank you and that was the end of that. I’m grateful for everything that we receive. We know we are privileged to have the means and our families & friends are very thoughtful and generous. However we specifically asked we will choose the pram and car seat so we expect this to be respected.

OP posts:
bakebeans · 14/09/2025 18:48

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 16:01

We said thanks and we did move on after she said she’s keeping it. However she’s been ignoring my husband since.

Edited

Isn’t that then between your MIL and your husband? Nothing to do with you to get involved with

Sharptonguedwoman · 14/09/2025 18:49

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:45

I wasn’t complaining about MIL’s own nursery at all, it was in response to someone else’s comment/question. I found it odd at 12 weeks but said thank you and that was the end of that. I’m grateful for everything that we receive. We know we are privileged to have the means and our families & friends are very thoughtful and generous. However we specifically asked we will choose the pram and car seat so we expect this to be respected.

Ah sorry. Sounds as though MIL has gone a bit mad. Even my very prosaic FIL when he got to know DD bought her all sorts of stuff. Smile and stick it on EBay later.

BeeDavis · 14/09/2025 18:50

ThreenagerCentral · 13/09/2025 16:02

I would love to have been ‘robbed of the experience of buying a car seat’

Didn’t even know buying a car seat was an “experience” 😂😂 we went, picked one and that was that 🫣

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/09/2025 18:54

Kelzlsdp · 13/09/2025 20:50

You sound so immature, honestly I pity you if this is really an issue in your life, you should be grateful your child has a Grandmother who cares enough to buy an expensive car seat. I don't blame her for ignoring the calls, I would too. Grow up

You really think it's okay, if someone said they were going to buy you something, but you said, No, I want to choose it and buy it myself, but they bought it anyway then they were offended that you were upset?

Can you not see that the person is looking to be the hero in the family and the victim if they don't get their way? It's manipulation and narcism.

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 18:56

Lyraloo · 14/09/2025 18:41

Yes, sadly it’s mostly you! It’s rather pathetic to say she’s robbing you of anything, most people would be really grateful for such an expensive gift. You have hundreds of things to buy for your baby, are you going to turn down every gift from family and friends, or is the real problem that you have a problem with your mil?

We are very grateful for all the presents we’ve received so far from both sides and friends. We appreciate all that MIL has given since she knew about the pregnancy. However we specifically asked that we will choose the pram and car seat. She was specifically told about this so she could have waited for us to go to our appointment and then ask us for our list to see what we decided on if she’s really keen to get this for us while respecting our choices at the same time.

OP posts:
LavaLaamp · 14/09/2025 19:02

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Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/09/2025 19:03

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Gotta love the really helpful comments like this! 👍
Ace!!!

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 19:06

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/09/2025 18:54

You really think it's okay, if someone said they were going to buy you something, but you said, No, I want to choose it and buy it myself, but they bought it anyway then they were offended that you were upset?

Can you not see that the person is looking to be the hero in the family and the victim if they don't get their way? It's manipulation and narcism.

That’s it really. She was specifically told that we will decide on this one and yet she disregarded this anyway and now sulking because she didn’t get it her way.

OP posts:
PotatoLove · 14/09/2025 19:08

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Glad your DH is in full support in regards to MIL and her behaviour. A full nursery at her house from 12 weeks is too much imo. Stick to your guns.

Olderbutt · 14/09/2025 19:16

Gosh I would be grateful! Okay it was 43 years ago but my FIL proudly presented us with a 2nd hand car seat that had a big crack in it! We accepted it with thanks but later told him that it didn't fit our car. I used a hand me down cot and pram that went on to be used by more children! Be grateful that you can afford it all new!

coronafiona · 14/09/2025 19:21

YABU. It’s really generous and nice of her.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/09/2025 19:30

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What's the matter with you? That is completely uncalled for.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/09/2025 19:31

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 19:06

That’s it really. She was specifically told that we will decide on this one and yet she disregarded this anyway and now sulking because she didn’t get it her way.

Yes, it's about taking away power/exerting power.
I hope you can set the ground rules and avoid further issues. It's really about their issues, too. 🙄
FWIW a good friend bought my nb dc a very special and sentimental first Christmas-type gift that I would have preferred to give. It was gorgeous, but a bit deflating. Any first time parent should understand you OP. 🫶

Ivf4203 · 14/09/2025 19:32

Odin2018 · 14/09/2025 18:31

This.

Grandma is excited too, and thought she was doing something nice to help you and take a bit of the weight off your shoulders, however, you told her you were going ro look for a carseat and pram. Grandma should have just offered to come with you to choose or offered to pay for rhe car seat and not just gone out and got one.

Me personally, we bought the car seat before the baby BUT if MIL had bought it , this would not have bothered me at all. If it was the pram... then that would have been another matter as you need it to suit your own personal lifestyle.

MIL has had a bit of a shock and is hurt. Give her time. Invite her to come.see the baby and all hopedully be finea soon. Dont sweat the small stuff. Ma.y husbands would refuse to say anything at all to their mother. As another has said,, pick your battles.

Edited

Thank you. Exactly, not worth the stress! I’m excited for the appointment again hehe x

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