AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

I hate how “ but they were excited too” is used as an argument for shitty behaviour. She was told they are looking and they are buying and went behind their backs and bought one anyway. She’s inserting herself where she isn’t wanted. She has had her kids. It’s op’s and her husbands turn. If she wants to help or buy something she can ask!!!

have you read the other replies? She has a nursery set up at her house. She wants to be mum 2.0

Reading this thread has made me remember when I was pregnant with ds1, @Ivf4203. One of dh’s colleagues came round with their old cot, as a gift for us. It was a perfectly nice cot, once we had painted it - and actually it lasted through all three dses - but I clearly remember feeling sad because we weren’t going to get to choose a cot for the baby - it was 32 years ago, but I still remember.

I will say, though, that once the baby had arrived, the little niggles did all fade.

We are grandparents now - the baby who first occupied that cot now has a 3 years ago old and 6 month old twins - but we have been careful not to overstep. We have helped them to buy things they needed - especially for the twins as it was double the expense for them, but we have simply given them the money so they can choose the best products for them.

It is lovely, being a grandparent, and spoiling your grandchildren, whilst helping your children - but only if it doesn’t involve stepping on anyone’s toes.

You didnt read my post properly did you before you go spouting off?

I said MIL should have offered to go with them or offered to pay for it.

....and no, i havent read about MIL's nursery in her house but if she is babysitting for them in the near future and has the room, why not? Explain what it is that annoys you about that?. Why wouldn't the baby be happy in her grandmas nursery room if she is asked to look after the baby? There are many grandchdren that have their own room at their grandparents house if there is space.

You didnt read my post properly did you before you go spouting off?

I said MIL should have offered to go with them or offered to pay for it.

....and no, i havent read about MIL's nursery in her house but if she is babysitting for them in the near future and has the room, why not? Explain what it is that annoys you about that?. Why wouldn't the baby be happy in her grandmas nursery room if she is asked to look after the baby? There are many grandchildren that have their own room at their grandparent"s house if there is space.

People are allowed to be "precious" about their own children, fgs. OP wants to experience the fun of shopping for her child. She shouldn't have to please MiL first. Besides, MiL was told, No, then did it anyway. That's just disrespectful.

The MIL had kitted out the nursery in her house with everything from crib, moses basket, all clothes, etc before the OP was 12 weeks pregnant, and has already spoken about the private schools she'd like it to go to. Way OTT behaviour - especially when it's not fone in discussion with the new parents.

I read it fine. You are still excusing her behaviour. “She was excited” “thought she was helping” blah blah blah. No she wanted to take over.

There is absolutely no reason for a baby to have a nursery set up in another house unless that baby will be stopping over. And I can assure you this will not be happening with this baby. This is just another thing the mil is doing because she has crazy expectations.

You have my sympathy, you are well in your rights to be enjoying all the firsts you will have in preparing for your baby. Some replies seem to have forgotten, or let that pass them by. It is annoying that she ignored your wishes and got caught up in her excitement. The car seat type may also matter, depending on if it'll be compatible with the pram you have chosen. That is if it is for a newborn, and if you want to attach it to the chasis.

Maybe invite her round to see how the dust lies? might iron itself out better in person. Good luck with holding boundaries. She sounds opinionated and rather hard work.

She has bought you a top of the range car seat and you are angry and upset. If this idms all you have to worry about ,you are very lucky.
She has robbed you of what?Personally I would thank her for her gift.
She is obviously excited about becoming a granny.
You say she isn't talking to you so there must be a problem. There certainly is!!The problem is that she is hurt and upset about the way you have responded to her generous,useful gift. I can't understand her own son hurting her feelings either.

Because you owe her an apology for the way you behaved about the car seat when she was only trying to relieve you of a financial burden. Most people want help in this way. You two are the exception. Been watching too much TikTok perhaps and lost sight of family values.

If she wanted to relieve them of a financial burden she would have offered to pay and involved them in the decision as to which one.

But that’s not cutting her out as I see it. That’s just not talking to her. It doesn’t change the level of control the MIL has if the OP’s husband maintains the same relationship they now have 🤷‍♀️.

No, you didnt read it. I wasnt excusing her behaviour, I was stating facts. She is excited. Buying a car seat doesn't equate to 'taking over'.
Also I said, she is grandma and if she will be babysitting in the future what is the problem if grandma has a room in her house for the baby? Are you envious? Did you not have your own room at your grandparents house? If you read what I have stated, many grandchildren have a room at their grandparents house if they have the space - I did. So what's the problem? You just seem like you want there to be combativeness in this situation where none is needed.

Did your grandparents kit out an entire room for you at their house and buy a whole wardrobe for you before your mum was 12 weeks pregnant? Did they do that in addition to buying equipment for you that your parents said they were buying themselves - or did they speak to your parents about it first? Did they make disparaging comments about your parents choices of colour for your pram etc? Did they go (or would they have gone) in the huff and refuse to speak to your parents if they said no thank you? Or did they ask your parents if they could buy a gift for you and then transfer them the money or buy the thing they wanted as other normal grandparents do?

I too think your MIL is out of order.
Because she didn’t get her own way she is now not speaking to your dh, her son.
I too was excited getting our first baby’s pram, buggy etc.
They were very generously paid for by my in laws.
They said you choose and we will pay. Which was lovely of them.

I think you are being silly babies about the car seat yourselves and you are egging on your husband to deny her the pleasure of being a grandparent.
Just say thank you and recognize you're not the only ones with an interest in this infant!

I never understand why some people make such a mountain out of what is meant to be a good intention. I would have gratefully received a car seat as a gift from my MIL. Every little helps!

I'm sure your MIL would have asked you which car seat you wanted though. Or, if you'd specifically said you were going to look at car seats and try them in your car, she'd have said 'could I pay for the one you choose'. What a lovely MIL to do that.

😂😂 stating a fact! She was excited is a fact? I say her being controlling is a fact.
The FACT is, she was told what they wanted to do and she went behind their backs and bought one. And now she is sulking because she has been called out but her son.

There is absolutely no need for a full nursery at someone else’s house. I did have a room at my grand house for when we stopped. But I was older and stopped once a week. I wasn’t a foetus still in my mum’s womb.

This will be my last reply as you are clearly going to be one of those crazy in laws who can do wrong or see no wrong in when you over step! I wish your future SIL/DIL all the luck.

You are one of those people who read your own words and ideas into people's posts. Any peron who can read would not come away thinking MIL is contolling because she bought a car seat. Over zealous, thinking she was doing something nice, should have asked first - oh dear - what a nasty person she must be.
Yes, we had rooms at my grandma's house since birth, decorated for children and my parents werent angry about it - quite happy grandparents had a nice room for us.

You seem like a very bitter, negative person indeed!

No she doesn't.

MIL had turned a bedroom into a fully kitted-out nursery by the time OP was 12 weeks pregnant, so before she even had her first scan. OP has said that their journey to conceive hasn't been easy and she was worried about losing the baby. What sort of MIL would do this without consultation and at such an early stage so that, if the worst happened, the nursery would be a hideous reminder of what OP had lost. It also implies that MIL will be demanding sleepovers from birth, otherwise why not wait until OP's child is older? She has already told OP and her DH that she will be paying for their child to go to a private school that she has chosen.

She sounds overbearing and controlling, using her wealth to do this.

Thanks all for your replies. Some of you said to just accept it and say thank you and move on even though MIL was specifically told we would like to personally look at prams and car seats ourselves and that we were very excited about it. We were specific on this but then she still went on and bought it. We also told her we will put it on our list so she knows she still has the option to buy it for us, it’s just that she will have to buy the one that we chose. Why would she still go and buy just before our shop appointment which she knows about?

I know on the surface it’s a simple car seat. It’s expensive, we should just be grateful. However there is context to it. If we didn’t specifically tell her not to get it because we have our own appointment, of course we’d handle it differently.

I didn’t even want to look at what she got because I was frustrated and upset when I found out she still went and bought a carseat despite specific request not to. That is the probably the only explanation we have for ourselves, Dh and I were frustrated because she was specifically asked not to.

Also all this was after she expressed her dislike about my pram colour choices. Some of you said she was just stating her opinion but would you really do the same? Seeing your DIL so excited about prams, ask her what colours is she considering and when she gave her answer, proceed to say those colours are boring and ‘common’? Again, to some these are small things but it does sting when done repeatedly esp as it concerns my choices for my baby which I’m sensitive about. This was dealt with separately, but I mentioned it for context.

I also just want to say that MIL is not ‘evil’, I don’t hate her, I don’t want to cut her off my life. However she’s very opinionated and overbearing. We love her but she does need to respect boundaries. We will not negotiate boundaries with her.