AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

Thank you. We told both parents when we got the good news from an early scan at 7 weeks. Everyone was joyful and excited for us which was really nice. MIL took it up a notch though by having a full nursey in her house at 12 weeks, which was odd because she knew I’m anxious about losing it (still am!). I didn’t make a big fuss and just said thank you for spending lots of effort on a beautiful nursery. But as mentioned, no matter how others think it’s boring, we made it clear to her we will be choosing the travel system. She could have waited for us to have our appointment, ask what we decided on and get it for us which would have been really appreciated. But she decided to overstep intentionally and now is throwing a tantrum because she didn’t get what she wanted. She probably had her own appointment because who goes to a shop to buy a random car seat? I really don’t know.

I have never in my life heard of having to have an appointment to go to a shop and buy a car seat.

It wouldn’t have occurred to me to make an appointment. I’d have just gone to a baby shop and said “I want to buy a car seat. Can you show me what you have.”

Not that I’m saying your MIL hasn’t overstepped, but I’ve never in my life heard of needing an appointment to buy a car seat and pram.

Exactly and thank you! It exciting to me and DH, may be boring to others, but we are very much looking forward to it as first time parents.

Ok that’s valid. However the point I was trying to make was, she must have intentionally gone to the shops to look for one, even though she knew we were specific that we want to choose one ourselves. It’s not like she saw it at the till when she was shopping for something else and decided to get it.

Thank you. And yes we recognise that. She is very excited and loves this baby very much there is no doubt. That’s why it’s always a fine balance between letting her buy whatever she wants for baby and would make her happy, and also making sure she respects our wishes/boundaries. She has very strong opinions about many things, but the travel system is the one thing we specifically told her we want to check out personally and decide on ourselves.

You don’t need an appointment just to buy a car seat. You can buy one online if you really want to, or walk in to a shop and walk out with it.

There are however appointments at the likes of John Lewis, Mamas and Papas where staff take you round and explain all different prams, cots, car seats, bottles, sterilisers, breast pumps and their features and build the baby list with you. They let you test drive, and build your ‘kit’ with you. It’s an experience, a day out. You don’t have to buy all the items you discuss and it’s no obligation, but for some it’s a really exciting way to plan for baby.

It's perfectly normal to want to chose these big items for yourself, it's not like accepting a few babygrows that aren't to your taste! And a car seat might be 'boring' but it's still a very important item, we've just moved up to next stage after the newborn one, it's safe, practical and it matches the colour of my car and I couldn't have been more excited when I got it!

I hope you enjoy your appointment and the rest of your pregnancy goes well. Hopefully your MIL thaws out soon but it sounds as though your DH is a good egg and has your back at least!

Thank you!

Exactly! Thanks for seeing it from my perspective. Yes very lucky with hubby. He’s left her be and said he’s sure she’ll be getting in touch soon. He’s dealt with her all his life!

Ok I would have said! However you’re deflecting from the fact you read it wrong and assumed. I don’t think you’re bringing anything helpful or useful to this thread tbh and I think you know that!!

you don’t need an appointment but if you make one in advance you ensure a staff member is available and can dedicate significant time to you so can be helpful especially if going at a busy time do day/weekend.

I also read what you initially wrote like @AngelicKaty did but thanks for clarifying and re-writing to reflect what you were really trying to say.

Hubby told MIL thank you but we will go to shop, make a decision and finalise the baby list including travel system as previously communicated to her, re-explaining this is something important to us and we’ve been looking forward to for a long time. Re-explaining we want to choose the travel system in particular. He also said we can send her the list if she’s interested. She asked what will she do with her purchase, hubby suggested returning. She refused and decided to keep for her own car. Hubby said we’ll check it and if it’s appropriate for baby then great and thanked her again. Now she’s sulking. I was bothered by this but upon further reflection, realised it’s not really worth the stress. We stood our ground, hubby has been very firm but polite and we’ve set a clear message that our boundaries must be respected. It’s now up to her how she wants to move forward.

You keep referring to a travel system as being what you communicated as important. Did she realise that you are including a car seat in that. I don’t think travel system automatically includes a car seat. I got the two things separately and from separate companies but then the adaptor to make sure I could use the carseat on the pushchair wheels.
I do think she was in the wrong but maybe it was a terminology communication issue.

Yes we said specifically prams and car seats. She did not refute that this was explained to her so there was no terminology miscommunication. Her main argument was that she bought the best available in the shop that she went to and that she paid x amount for it.

Hubby said we’ll check it and if it’s appropriate for baby

that could be why she’s sulking. She’s obviously tried to do a generous thing, she shouldn’t have really because she had been told you were going to look at a travel system. Does she know a travel system includes a car seat and not just a pram? Either way you’re going to have a new baby soon and like you say it’s really not worth the stress

If she's paid £450 for it, she's likely not got the type you wanted. She'll have gotten a birth to 4yr type with a newborn insert, which you said you didn't want. It is the type that I got, as I don't like the car seats that people carry about etc. but that's your choice.

Do remember though that newborns shouldn't be in a car seat longer than 30 mins, so the "travel systems", where the car seat clicks into the pram chassis aren't good for babies posture and breathing. A flat bed pram, or an ergonomic sling are much better for transporting baby when not in the car.

Yes we told her travel system specifically prams and car seats and that we want to look and try them out in person so we can make the decision on what to finally get. She really didn’t refute that she was told this when hubby was explaining this to her. She keeps saying she alreadt got the ‘best one’ and that it looks great.

Thanks yes will no longer stress and I’m sure she’ll come around soon.

All the people telling you that you are ungrateful clearly (and thankfully) never had an overbearing, inserts themselves in everything, mil. Or they are that MIL!?!?

Most places actually no nothing about actual car seat safety unless you have a specialist one near you. The best seats are the Swedish plush tested ones. They have the best support and rear face for much longer.
Halfords, mama and papas, and other high street places that sell car seats is just like any other shop that has basic training to sell the items they stock.

Baby will only need an infant carrier for at least 6 months anyway. Axkid, besafe are great brands. There is a Facebook page, car seat safety uk, it has had some bad rep but they do give great advice.

It’s just a car seat.

Agree. We always get our car seats from the InCar Safety Centre. Buying from the high street shops aren't specialists in this area. But we don't know where OP is going. Just to add Britax is also a great brand.

Yes exactly that’s what I’m thinking but we can possibly change our minds when we see them in the flesh. And some of the commenters here also messaged me privately useful information about carseats so will consider that too when choosing.

You:

Yes I think most people will have no idea until they are in the same situation.

Thanks I’ve been signposted to this fb page by quite a few of you so will definitely check it out!

Out of interest, has YOUR mother bought anything for the baby? If so, did you feel the same or is it because she is the ‘evil’ MIL, you express these feelings?
I really hope my DIL won’t treat me like this when the time comes.

Someone’s asked this in the past comments. Both sides and friends gifted us with various things mainly clothes, toys, vouchers etc which are all very much appreciated. And no, MIL is not ‘evil’ but she could be overbearing and controlling which gets really tedious at times. If you respect boundaries, I am confident that you will have no similar issues with your own DIL.