AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

No, OP told us here on MN that she didn't even want to look at it. Her DH did not say that to his DM. Her DH was perfectly polite to his DM in reminding her that he and OP would be choosing the car seat, having done research and compiling a short-list of seats they thought might be suitable before going to look at them.

I’ve been dreaming of that visit to the baby shop for years because it took us a while to conceive
I can understand dreaming of buying a cot, baby clothes,etc but have you really been dreaming about a car seat?
Or is it because mil has done it.
If your mum and dad or sister or aunty had done it would you still be angry
I know you said mum and dad wouldn't but if they said ' surprise! Guess what we've got you, a car seat. Would you have had this much anger

I’ve been dreaming of that visit to the baby shop for years because it took us a while to conceive
I can understand dreaming of buying a cot, baby clothes,etc but have you really been dreaming about a car seat?
Or is it because mil has done it.
If your mum and dad or sister or aunty had done it would you still be angry
I know you said mum and dad wouldn't but if they said ' surprise! Guess what we've got you, a car seat. Would you have had this much anger

Yes the car seat was included in MY dream funny enough. If my family bought it as a surprise, I would have reminded them that we are about to check these things in person so they can return what they bought but we will let them know what we end up choosing. I know that won’t happen though esp if they’ve been advised that we want to choose these things ourselves however if it did it would been a much easier conversation as they will be very understanding. No drama.

Just make sure you don’t choose the same car seat MIL did…

We will choose what we think is most suitable for our car, our needs and of course for baby’s safety.

I’d love to have parents or in-laws who would buy big ticket items or even just take an active interest in their grandchildren.
Of 4 grandparents my kids have only seen 1 of them this year. The other 3 all live locally but show zero interest in their grandchildren which hurts me more than I could imagine. I’d love for them to buy things or even just ask how they were.

I really appreciate family and friends buying gifts and stuff for baby. We just ask that for travel system we choose what baby will use. I’m so sorry most of your in laws have shown no interest in your kids.

My parents didn't help us at all financially. Luckily my in laws and husbands side of the family paid for the pram and knitted and crocheted for Britain.

My mother was babied out having raised three the youngest still at home. Father working long hours. Husbands parents were retired and everyone desperately wanted a new baby to fuss over

I didn’t say Op told her MIL she didn’t want to see it I just said ‘you said you didn’t even want to look at it which is just petty.’ Meaning you said here in the comment you didn’t want to see it.

Your in laws sound very sweet. Glad it’s all working our for you and family!

It's weird of her and I'd be cross. She had her firsts and choices with her children. This is your time. I was very excited to go baby shopping, we had the John Lewis appointment, I did lots of research. I would've been beyond bemused if MIL just randomly bought one. Once my MIL bought a short winter coat for my second baby. I said thank you and put it away. It's never been used. I already had the fleecy wrap and good quality snowsuit I needed from the eldest. Total waste of money. Now if she'd asked, there were things we did actually need, but a cheap non waterproof coat in a size we already had outerwear in, no way.
No way would I be using MILs seat unless it was the one I wanted anyway. Even then I think I'd be tempted to pick another just because I wouldn't want to condone her behaviour.

What seat is it, out of interest? Intrigued to know if it genuinely is a fantastic well rated seat or she's just been sold Halfords hype!

Wow! This is wild! I think what’s she’s done is lovely. Not surprised she’s not replied to your husband. She was being nice and has spent a lot of money on something for her grand child. It takes a bit of financial pressure from you. My mum bought me a cot bed and mattress for my DD. She knew the kind I was looking at I wanted a white one and she went and bought it. I was over the moon so was my ex. My grandma bought a baby bath set, my ‘aunty’ bought a cot bedding set and mobile. It was all stuff on my list of things to get. I was honestly so grateful baby stuff ain’t cheap. X

I will always remember that day I went to the shops and got the experience of buying my very first car seat. Such fond memories

She knew the kind I was looking at is a key point here.

OP - I keep coming back to this thread as I’m just so stunned by some of the comments here!! Especially the one that told you to “get off Tic Toc” 🤣🤣

Just because “back in the day” personal shopping was reserved for Harrods clientele only, doesn’t mean things haven’t evolved. Baby shops offer a whole ‘experience’ for choosing the right pram, there are baby fairs (same as wedding ones but full of baby gear) - it is exciting. I feel like all the posters that say you’re ridiculous only had silver cross and silver cross to choose from 🙄

I'd just pick your battles and try not to stress at things that ultimately will still be your decisions at the end of the day anyway.

She is probably upset that it wasn't even looked at but she'll get over it, leave her to DH.

The difference here is they new the kind you were looking at and wanted. OP’s mil doesn’t know what kind she wants yet as that’s still to be determined.

It's clear from her user name that OP hasn't had an easy or straightforward journey to motherhood so if OP and her DH want to choose their own car seat, that's OK. This grandmother had fully kitted out a nursery in her own home by the time OP was 12 weeks' pregnant so must have done this before OP had even had her first scan. She's obviously going to be a overbearing nightmare.

Well, unfortunately you wrote your comment as one sentence which gave the impression you believed OP had said this to her MIL. And they didn't "throw it back in her face" - they had always been clear with her that they were buying the car seat, amongst other things, and she chose to totally ignore their wishes, which is overbearing and rude.

I agree. @justasking111 The "... knitted and crocheted for Britain" really made me smile. 😊

The key being she knew what you wanted. What if she'd bought you a cot you hated or that wasn't a safe design?
The point here is that OP and her DH had made it very clear to MIL that they'd done a lot of research on car seats, created a short list of the ones they wanted to look at, and had made an appointment to go and do so. Then MIL goes off and buys a random one, presents the fact that she's done so as a fait accompli that they should feel obliged to accept, and then sulks because her DS, politely, says thanks but no thanks. She's massively overstepped and is sulking because she did something she knew they didn't want her to do and she's been unable to force her will on them (again!). I'm amazed at the people who can't see the dynamic here.

Maybe she’s upset, she did a kind thing and got you a gift and you both threw it back in her face, you said you didn’t even want to look at it which is just petty.

Ok now in 2 sentences because that’s what you’re having a problem with.

Maybe she’s upset, she did a kind thing and got you a gift and you both threw it back in her face. You said you didn’t even want to look at it which is just petty.

That makes no difference, you read it wrong unfortunately, it doesn’t give the impression I thought OP said it to MIL. If I wanted to give that impression or make it clear I’d of said

You said to your MIL you didn’t even want to look at it which is just petty.

……. which I did not

No, you would have said

As pp mentioned, she knew what you liked and what you would have wanted yourself. Your other family also bought things from your list which is really kind and thoughtful. Totally different situation to what we have when MIL was specifically told we have an appointment to choose the pram and carseat as we want to decide on those before we complefe our list. We didn’t think we need to spell it out for her but we did because we know her and yet she still did her own thing.

She’s overstepped, quite significantly.

A car seat sometimes needs to be compatible with the travel system wheels so you can just clip it on and off. If things are incompatible, it can be awkward, which is the last thing you need when dealing with a new baby.

the only defence I can offer for your MIL is that she got very excited and has a fair bit of time/money on her hands. Otherwise, it was unacceptable

My kids are grown up and my very kind MIL is dead. I don’t have any MIL or baby issues.