AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

[Ivf4203]

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

Thank you and yes very much loved baby already before he even arrives!

Soooo many people are completely missing the point here. The MIL isn’t ’acting in kindness’. She is trying to take the precious ‘firsts’ away and decisions from the parents as a method of control. She chose and bought a car seat without consulting the parents, when she knew that they had an appointment to go and choose a car seat. That’s just dickish behaviour. It’s so transparent when grandparents insist on choosing and making decisions rather than just paying for what parents want for their kids.
And fwiw, for both my children I’ve wanted to make decisions over this sort of thing, wanted to choose their clothes, car seats, prams, experience as many of their firsts as possible.

It isn't just an assumption though. If you look at OP's post immediately above yours, you will see that she wrote in the middle of it "We’ve waited so long for this baby though ...".,,
Im not the one assuming anything.

As always - it’s not the fact that MIL has bought a car seat - it’s the assumption that you don’t know what you are doing and she knows best. MILs like this seem to forget it’s not their baby and they should keep their opinions to themselves and stop spending money on unwelcome baby stuff.

This is the hill you should die on. This is the thin edge of the wedge. Stop her now or she will make your lives miserable. She’s not being kind and generous - she is controlling and manipulative.

Congratulations on your much longed for pregnancy @Ivf4203 !!!

I totally understand how you feel about this, and I know what it's like to have an overbearing MIL. When my MIL's first GC was born, she actually thought it was her own baby. My SIL had to get her DH (MIL's son) to get her to backoff after putting up with her for 10 months.

This woman is going to constantly be insisting on having your baby overnight. PLEASE do not let this woman pressure you into separating you from your baby overnight. I know some women don't mind their babies having sleepovers, but it's perfectly ok to not be comfortable with it. It's your baby.

I know you said you involved her, but I'm a bit sad that this woman helped name your baby. That's such a big thing! I hope you're happy with the name you've all chosen, but don't be afraid to change it if you want to, because it's your baby, not hers!

This woman, she's going to really test your patience and tolerance levels. She's likely going to spoil the whole newborn experience for you too. MIL's like her are all the same. Controlling, manipulative vipers.

Exactly and as I mentioned earlier it’s controlling behaviour disguised as generosity. She’s very wealthy and unfortunately thinks she can get her way and make decisions for us simply because she’s paying.

Thank you. To be fair we had a few favourite names and let her and my mum vote and they chose the same one (thank goodness!) and it was our top choice too so that was easy. However yes, she really is very controlling and creates drama if doesn’t get her way. Re private schools, she said it over dinner as if it’s a done deal that we will be choosing between her top picks with complete disregard of what we think. We let it pass as it’s not a now issue but we will soon have to deal with that in future!

Similar boat here. I just say “oh, no thank you, we’re getting the XYZ- did you need us to send the list again?” If she wants to keep it for herself… cool, but she probably won’t get to use it…!

And I'm telling you it's not an assumption. Which you would know if you'd bothered to carefully read OP's post immediately above yours. 🙄

Even if she wants to, clearly the baby isn't going to stay in that room unless OP agrees so I wouldn't be getting stressed about it. My MIL has a nursery at her house and I've always found it helpful when visiting and then for sleepovers when ready.

Maybe so but it is MIL's money so up to her what she spends it on.

But she’s spending it on taking over control of her DIL’s decisions. That’s not OK.

My Grandmother was wealthy, and she used her money to control my Dad and her relationship with us Grandkids. She thought she could buy our love, so keep an eye out for that behaviour.

No she isn't.

OP hasn't accepted the car seat, she can still decide which car seat she wants.
OP also doesn't have to accept the baby in the nursery.
OP doesn't have to accept the offer of private school.

All the decisions are still hers no matter what MIL does or doesn't buy.

I think where you’re coming across as a bit immature / ungrateful is saying you wouldn’t even look at it. I get that for you it was a special first (though another OPs have come, it was pale into significance. I promise you won’t even remember this as a first), but it’s done now and in the interests of maintaining a relationship with your DC’s grandparent surely it would have been polite to at least see if it was on your shortlist? You could have still gone to view car seats and then make a call after as to whether or not it’s suitable. The outright no thanks without even seeing it is what has probably annoyed her.

in the interests of maintaining a relationship with your DC’s grandparent surely it would have been polite to at least see if it was on your shortlist

That’s only true if you have a good relationship with said parents.
As it turns out, the OP’s DH thought HIS mum needed to be told to rein it in….

Unless you’re of the mind that her dh just obeys to her and goes with whatever she says is important??

Fwiw, choosing a car seat is something I still remember. Both for dc1 and dc2. Theyre adults now. And I’d have been as annoyed as the OP and her dh are if my mum or MIL had interfered in that way.

She still has agency as long as the OP doesn’t do what so many posters seem to think is the ‘right’ answer:
Be kind, smile, accept the car seat or at least see it etc….

That doesn’t mean what the MIL did wasn’t controlling.
Just that the OP is putting boundaries strong enough to not be controlled.
She shouldn’t need to,

And I'm telling you it's not an assumption. Which you would know if you'd bothered to carefully read OP's post immediately above yours.
I dont give two hoots what your telling me!! L😆
i was replying to someone who said ,' we can assume' 🙄
I don't assume I know ops story.

Personally id be pretty annoyed at this too
For your first baby you want to research everything, make informed choices and pick the things you want as parents. Car seats can be a minefield. Will it be a 360spin, isofix, belted in, what pram will it fit on etc. Its not a one size fits all unfortunately.
Some of the most expensive seats are pretty large and take up alot of room in the car. If you or your partner are tall, will it fit comfortably in your current car?

When we were expecting our 1st the in laws wanted to buy something big. We agreed on the car seat but we researched it and picked what we wanted. They then transferred us the money.
My mum did the same with the pram.
Thats not unreasonable.
As for dedicating a nursery to your baby before theyre born....nip it in the bud now.
Your MIL is prob excited esp if this is the 1st grandchild but you dont need her being overbearing.
Set boundaries and make it very clear what your expectations are now otherwise it will only get harder.

Sounds very much like MIL. Will do thank you.

This. It is a personal purchase. It wasn’t innocent that she was just trying to help and being kind because she knows i’ve been researching, she knows it’s a big deal for us and that we are very much looking forward to the appointment so we can check travel system in person. We made it very clear we will be choosing these things ourselves. She did it to undermine us but wants to come across as generous and kind.

Absolutely it’s still our choice at the end of the day but it’s becoming so tedious having to constantly assert ourselves that we make the decisions and these are our boundaries etc. And also it’s fine if she doesn’t create drama when we do remind her of boundaries.

Maybe she’s upset, she did a kind thing and got you a gift and you both threw it back in her face, you said you didn’t even want to look at it which is just petty.

Thank you. I’ve been dreaming of that visit to the baby shop for years because it took us a while to conceive. To others it’s boring, to me it’s an experience I’ve been longing to have. We communicated this very clearly to MIL and yet she still went ahead and bought an item we very clearly said we will choose ourselves, without consulting us. We are not stopping her from buying stuff for baby but have asked her, politely, that for the travel system in particular we want to decide what baby will use.

It's been deleted because not only was it silly, it was also offensive.

Oh good i didn’t even see it or can’t remember if I did!