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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

516 replies

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

OP posts:
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cannynotsay · 13/09/2025 20:43

I think there’s a lot of grandmothers here being very sensitive.

it’s up to the parents to chose what car seat they feel comfortable using for their children. Being expensive means nothing and car seat safety is very important. Also what’s the point if it doesn’t fit in with the pram etc.

example my mum was banging on about a used car seat she got, and it didn’t meant the safety standards we wanted and it was used and it was too old for my child, front facing and something I’d never use. So it’s not being used for her. She’s 3 and tiny.

Her intentions may have been in the right place but she’s not the parent. And she needs to calm it down. I agree with OP they did the right thing.

BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 20:44

DangoDays · 13/09/2025 20:37

I don’t think getting you a car seat is robbing you of an experience. It’s a practicality. I’d get it with a sling which is about comfort etc but if it’s a top of the range car seat, quite frankly, I’d be grateful. It’s nice she wants to help. This isn’t the case for lots of people. Don’t turn it into something. Draw your boundaries on the shit that matters.

Wrong. Draw your boundaries now, before she muscles in on the shit that ‘matters’.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:44

Anxioustealady · 13/09/2025 20:38

OP I recently had my first and I like to pick everything myself and I don't like having lots of extra stuff, so I completely understand how you feel.

But honestly, when the baby is here, none of these things matter. You are the mother, you are in control, and no one can replace you to your baby, ever. She can build a nursery, fill her car with car seats, buy all the clothes she wants. You do not need to take or keep these things. Babies grow out of things so quick it doesn't really matter. Even if they pick a car seat or shoes first, it doesn't matter, you can still go buy whatever you want.

I was worried about my baby the whole pregnancy so I didn't want to buy much and I found it annoying people were excitedly buying things when I was not allowing myself to be excited yet (even though becoming a mom was my main dream), but honestly it doesn't matter, it doesn't take anything away from you if other people buy things. Use what you like, donate what you don't.

I do agree however it’s difficult when she sulks when she doesn’t get her way, that’s the tricky thing.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/09/2025 20:44

She probably is an overexcited GMTB.

She has probably also had the pleasure of choosing all this stuf herself when she was pregnant.

She said blue is too common and black is boring.

I think this would get my back up especially if it's part of continually picking.

Why not just say "oh sensible/practical colours" or something equally neutral?

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:46

NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 13/09/2025 20:43

I’ve had 3 babies and honestly, I don’t think I was ever excited to pick out the car seat, if someone had bought us one (good quality, right age bracket, fit in our car) I’d have been over the moon. I think you should both apologise to your MIL and say thank you very much for such a thoughtful, useful gift.

That’s you, you have 3 babies and you didn’t get excited about babygear shopping. But this is us with our first baby and we made it clear we are looking forward to the appointment. That we want to test them out, see the colours in person. That’s us. She knows it was a big deal for us. So our situation is very different from yours.

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Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:49

diddl · 13/09/2025 20:44

She probably is an overexcited GMTB.

She has probably also had the pleasure of choosing all this stuf herself when she was pregnant.

She said blue is too common and black is boring.

I think this would get my back up especially if it's part of continually picking.

Why not just say "oh sensible/practical colours" or something equally neutral?

Exactly so hubby immediately had my back to say I get to choose the colours and that he loves my choices. He’s honestly the best.

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Kelzlsdp · 13/09/2025 20:50

You sound so immature, honestly I pity you if this is really an issue in your life, you should be grateful your child has a Grandmother who cares enough to buy an expensive car seat. I don't blame her for ignoring the calls, I would too. Grow up

Soontobe60 · 13/09/2025 20:51

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:54

@TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun she hasn’t because we didn’t let her! And I was ready to move on however, she’s been ignoring my husband since so clearly there’s a problem.

Clearly there is - but I’m afraid it’s not your MIL, it’s you!
You've started off what should be an exciting time by alienating your baby’s grandmother.
“crossed the line”… “robbed us of an experience”? Please, step away from TicToc and Insta influencers.

Gandalfsthong · 13/09/2025 20:53

I get your frustration OP, I have a very overbearing mother. It’s not really about the car seat per se Id guess, more repetition of previous behaviour and a warning of whats to come. My children are now teens and it’s still an issue. Perhaps hard to understand if you’ve not had a lifetime of this behaviour.

Autumn38 · 13/09/2025 20:53

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:54

@TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun she hasn’t because we didn’t let her! And I was ready to move on however, she’s been ignoring my husband since so clearly there’s a problem.

Yes you were ready to move on after you threw her gift back in her face. Maybe she is still feeling understandably sore about it.

you are being ridiculous and unkind. She’s bought you an expensive gift and carefully chose the best one money can buy. Did you even actually look at it and decide if it’s ok or have you just rejected it on principle?

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:56

Gandalfsthong · 13/09/2025 20:53

I get your frustration OP, I have a very overbearing mother. It’s not really about the car seat per se Id guess, more repetition of previous behaviour and a warning of whats to come. My children are now teens and it’s still an issue. Perhaps hard to understand if you’ve not had a lifetime of this behaviour.

Absolutely. Nip it in the bud as they say! Sorry to hear it’s still an issue with yours - can only empathise.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/09/2025 20:56

She’s bought you an expensive gift and carefully chose the best one money can buy

So?

NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 13/09/2025 20:57

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:46

That’s you, you have 3 babies and you didn’t get excited about babygear shopping. But this is us with our first baby and we made it clear we are looking forward to the appointment. That we want to test them out, see the colours in person. That’s us. She knows it was a big deal for us. So our situation is very different from yours.

Oh I did get excited! Just not about the car seat. With my 3rd who was the baby we never thought we’d have, virtually everything was secondhand from other very kind and generous people. There was a flicker of wishing I was shopping for stuff myself but really, there’s so many other things to get excited about when you’re due to have a baby/after the baby is born.

I get you’re cheesed off but I stand by what I said, it’s not worth falling out with anyone over.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:58

NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 13/09/2025 20:57

Oh I did get excited! Just not about the car seat. With my 3rd who was the baby we never thought we’d have, virtually everything was secondhand from other very kind and generous people. There was a flicker of wishing I was shopping for stuff myself but really, there’s so many other things to get excited about when you’re due to have a baby/after the baby is born.

I get you’re cheesed off but I stand by what I said, it’s not worth falling out with anyone over.

We don’t think it’s worth falling out either. And i’m not asking you to change your stand, just explaining my perspective.

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DangoDays · 13/09/2025 21:00

Each to their own. My mother in law can be overbearing but I don’t think it comes from a bad place. 20 years in and I am not sure drawing battle lines on everything is worth it. I think that perhaps really thinking through each thing and determining, is this something to show gratitude for, go to bat for, let go…. Is a good thought process.

Listen, if the car seat is very important to you then go to bat but I would just take a moment to see if it is really about the car seat or about whether you have control. If it is about you having control - is it worth it/warranted?

Skodacool · 13/09/2025 21:00

Kelzlsdp · 13/09/2025 20:50

You sound so immature, honestly I pity you if this is really an issue in your life, you should be grateful your child has a Grandmother who cares enough to buy an expensive car seat. I don't blame her for ignoring the calls, I would too. Grow up

Completely misses the point of the thread. Is that you MIL?

MargaritaBeafort · 13/09/2025 21:03

Why don’t you just enjoy her not answering? Maybe she is upset and is working through her feelings.
She is now leaving you alone and you still aren’t happy. Just let her be. She will probably start answering as though nothing has happened.
But she is probably excited and the FIL probably isn’t that bothered until baby is here.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 21:05

DangoDays · 13/09/2025 21:00

Each to their own. My mother in law can be overbearing but I don’t think it comes from a bad place. 20 years in and I am not sure drawing battle lines on everything is worth it. I think that perhaps really thinking through each thing and determining, is this something to show gratitude for, go to bat for, let go…. Is a good thought process.

Listen, if the car seat is very important to you then go to bat but I would just take a moment to see if it is really about the car seat or about whether you have control. If it is about you having control - is it worth it/warranted?

Thank you. I’ve let sooo many things pass in the past, won’t outline them all as someone accused me earlier of drip feeding information. Believe me, I choose my battles with MIL, and try my best to be nice because she lives alone. We’ve waited so long for this baby though and regardless of that I think we have every right to choose the babygear he’ll use particularly the big items. And if she doesn’t respect that, she shouldn’t be hurt if her gifts are rejected.

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notacooldad · 13/09/2025 21:05

@Ivf4203
I'm assuming from her user name that OP has had some real problems
Why would you make an assumption from a user name? That sounds a bit daft.

BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 21:07

notacooldad · 13/09/2025 21:05

@Ivf4203
I'm assuming from her user name that OP has had some real problems
Why would you make an assumption from a user name? That sounds a bit daft.

Better change your usename then. Don’t want people making assumptions.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/09/2025 21:08

QuirkyHorse · 13/09/2025 20:15

😂 you want the experience of shopping for a car seat. Are you off your rocker?!
I would be grateful to her for buying an expensive item, meaning one less for me to buy.

No need to be so rude, I personally enjoyed shopping for the car seat and appreciated hearing all the advice to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t have wanted someone choosing for me unless they had doen throrough research

notacooldad · 13/09/2025 21:09

@BrickBiscuit
Better change your usename then. Don’t want people making assumptions
I don't care if they make an assumption about my name, but they are a bit daft if they do.

AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 21:14

notacooldad · 13/09/2025 21:05

@Ivf4203
I'm assuming from her user name that OP has had some real problems
Why would you make an assumption from a user name? That sounds a bit daft.

It isn't just an assumption though. If you look at OP's post immediately above yours, you will see that she wrote in the middle of it "We’ve waited so long for this baby though ...".

DangoDays · 13/09/2025 21:14

Fair enough. I think being nice is underrated and it’s good to hear this underpins how you treat mother in law. Are you 100% sure that the car seat isn’t suitable?

I should have added a big congrats on your much awaited baby. I think she must share this joy and anticipation too. Lucky baby

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 21:15

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/09/2025 21:08

No need to be so rude, I personally enjoyed shopping for the car seat and appreciated hearing all the advice to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t have wanted someone choosing for me unless they had doen throrough research

Thank you. I find all the baby shopping so exciting including what others might think are boring stuff - this is me personally. I appreciate all the presents from family and friends but made it clear to MIL we want to choose the pram and car seat because we know she can get ahead of herself. She knows we have an appointment to look at it all and i’ve done a lot of research to come up with a short list. However she still still went ahead and got us one without consulting us. She decided to keep it for herself when we said no thanks which is fine but it looks like she’s not happy with it and guilt tripping hubby into reconsidering. I know some more will say it’s a boring car seat but that’s not really the point.

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