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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

AIBU - MIL bought carseat without consulting us

516 replies

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 15:45

Warning long post!

Soo i don’t know if it’s just my hormones… however i’m feeling quite frustrated with MIL. She tends to be overbearing at the best of times however I feel like this time we do really need to set boundaries. In the past she’s asked me about prams and what colours I’d be considering, I said blue or maybe black. She said blue is too common and black is boring. Hubby said I get to choose colour obviously. Anyway so we moved on from that. At dinner a couple of weeks ago, she asked us how we are with our baby list etc. We said we have an appointment to look at babygear etc as we want to see and try them in the shop particularly the prams and carseats. Yesterday she messaged us to say she bought us a carseat and that’s she sooo excited to show us. I don’t even want to see it. For me she’s crossed the line esp since she knew we’re due to check out different brands in the shop. She said it’s the best and she paid for the most expensive one available. I was upset because it’s our first baby and i feel like she’s robbing us the experience to choose what we want for our baby. Hubby called her to say thank you but we will be going to shop as planned and choose ourselves and again explaining it’s our first baby so please let us experience these things. Hubby suggested that she return the carseat but she refused. She said she’ll keep for when our baby uses her car. Since then she hasn’t been replying to hubby who’s asked how she is. I feel like we need to set the tone at this point and make sure boundaries are respected otherwise this will go on and on especially when baby arrives but AIBU to not even check out the carseat she bought?

OP posts:
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MaurineWayBack · 13/09/2025 20:04

pistachioandnuts · 13/09/2025 19:53

It’s very common for Grandparents to drive the Grandchildren around and look after the grandchildren overnight occasionally. My car has permanent car seats and we have a bedroom for sleepovers . My daughter is very grateful for our help and support regarding the children,likewise my few friends who are now grandparents are just as involved.

But that was from a discussion between you and the parents right?
You didn’t go and tell them ‘right. That’s my grand child so I’ve decided that I’ll have a full set up nursery even though yours isn’t fully ready yet and I’ve bought the car seat I want for you to use during the times ypu won’t have dgc with me

The issue isn’t whether you have a dedicated room for the grandchildren. My parents had. My PIL didn’t. Or whether you have car seats permanently in your car That will depend a lot on how often you have the children - like picking up from school everyday vs a few times a year.
It’s the fact the MIL in this case took a unilateral decision for a safety device she’ll probably use much less than the OP and her dh. All wo consulting them AND knowing they wanted to take time to look at the best option.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:04

thepariscrimefiles · 13/09/2025 20:01

I'm assuming from her user name that OP has had some real problems. This is the Pregnancy board, not AIBU but there have been a lot of really insensitive and rude posts like yours.

I just ignore the nasty replies but thanks for calling it out. We can disagree but no need to be unkind…

OP posts:
DoinFineIThink · 13/09/2025 20:07

notacooldad · 13/09/2025 19:57

Crikey, I think you need to wait until you actually have some real problems in your life and then you’ll look back and be embarrassed by your behaviour here.
Absolutely this.
Robbing your expierence of buying a car seat!! Grow up!
This is one hell of a ludicrous post

Of course and we obviously want her in our child’s life we are not refuting that at all. However she needs to appreciate that we, as parents, make the decisions for our baby.
Its a bloody car seat.

Edited

It'd presumably be fine if it was "just" a car seat, though.
If she really wanted to buy, why not ask what they wanted and go do it together and listen to what OP and her DH wanted, and then buy it for them?
Why would she wait until they said they were wanting to go out and look at and try different car seats, then just go out and buy what she liked the look of herself and then when they presumably felt a bit put out/not listened to started sulking?
Proper emotional blackmail guilt shit is that, I'm sorry but after years of controlling and then sulking I'm not the 20 something year old eager to please and shy and anxious anymore, I've finally started to crack on and stand my ground, say "sorry, doesn't work for me" or whatever, just wish I had done earlier. Any sulking now, I'm just like meh, whatever.
OP, stand your ground 😁

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2025 20:09

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/09/2025 16:11

Sounds like you have a very lucky baby who is loved very much.

Oh don't be ridiculous

She wants to play Mummy

I had a second hand cot with a new mattress for my DGC but it wasn't used much, I used their pram top or something else usually

And fitting the room out with clothes is wasteful

Midnightlove · 13/09/2025 20:11

I feel like a lot of people are being a bit rude to you here. It's your first baby and it's not nice to feel like people are trying to take over. I don't think you've done anything wrong.
However as time goes by, you'll probably realise it wasn't such a big deal after all

QuirkyHorse · 13/09/2025 20:15

😂 you want the experience of shopping for a car seat. Are you off your rocker?!
I would be grateful to her for buying an expensive item, meaning one less for me to buy.

AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 20:18

cheesycheesy · 13/09/2025 20:00

Another first time mum on a power trip

"Power trip"? Is the first time Dad on a "power trip" too, since he's totally aligned with OP? Or maybe they just want to make their own decisions about their own child.
MIL has overstepped - time she understood that and stopped sulking.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:19

DoinFineIThink · 13/09/2025 20:07

It'd presumably be fine if it was "just" a car seat, though.
If she really wanted to buy, why not ask what they wanted and go do it together and listen to what OP and her DH wanted, and then buy it for them?
Why would she wait until they said they were wanting to go out and look at and try different car seats, then just go out and buy what she liked the look of herself and then when they presumably felt a bit put out/not listened to started sulking?
Proper emotional blackmail guilt shit is that, I'm sorry but after years of controlling and then sulking I'm not the 20 something year old eager to please and shy and anxious anymore, I've finally started to crack on and stand my ground, say "sorry, doesn't work for me" or whatever, just wish I had done earlier. Any sulking now, I'm just like meh, whatever.
OP, stand your ground 😁

💯. Thank you!

OP posts:
BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 20:19

QuirkyHorse · 13/09/2025 20:15

😂 you want the experience of shopping for a car seat. Are you off your rocker?!
I would be grateful to her for buying an expensive item, meaning one less for me to buy.

But … you’re … not the …the OP ...

MarioLink · 13/09/2025 20:19

I wouldn't fall out with her about one item. I would be very reassured it was expensive as the expensive brands do their own stringent in-house testing (Maxi-Cosi, Britax, Cybex, Axkid, BeSafe come to mind). I would check it is a good one but she is very excited so I would let her off it it's a safe seat.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:20

BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 20:19

But … you’re … not the …the OP ...

Lol thanks @BrickBiscuit !

OP posts:
QuirkyHorse · 13/09/2025 20:20

BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 20:19

But … you’re … not the …the OP ...

Umm, clearly I'm not 🫠
Your point being?

AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 20:22

QuirkyHorse · 13/09/2025 20:20

Umm, clearly I'm not 🫠
Your point being?

The point being that OP has made her and her DH's thoughts very clear, so try empathising with their point of view instead of asking OP if she's off her rocker.

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 13/09/2025 20:22

She expressed an opinion about a colour and bought you a great gift.

you need to find your sense of proportion

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:26

AngelicKaty · 13/09/2025 20:22

The point being that OP has made her and her DH's thoughts very clear, so try empathising with their point of view instead of asking OP if she's off her rocker.

Thank you. I don’t mind people disagreeing but not sure why some people are compelled to be rude if they disagree with a post! 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
BrickBiscuit · 13/09/2025 20:26

QuirkyHorse · 13/09/2025 20:20

Umm, clearly I'm not 🫠
Your point being?

My point being that when someone says what their opinion is, you saying what your opinion is does, well, not exactly discredit theirs in the way you think. It’s just a different opinion, and they don’t share it.

Skodacool · 13/09/2025 20:32

I find it hard to believe some of the attitudes being expressed here. OP has said MIL tends to be overbearing and what she describes shows that. I would not have dreamt of buying something as crucial as a car seat for DD’s or DDIL’s baby without consulting them first. There’s being excited about first GC and there’s being presumptuous. OP and her DH do need to establish that this is their child and they make the decisions.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:33

Skodacool · 13/09/2025 20:32

I find it hard to believe some of the attitudes being expressed here. OP has said MIL tends to be overbearing and what she describes shows that. I would not have dreamt of buying something as crucial as a car seat for DD’s or DDIL’s baby without consulting them first. There’s being excited about first GC and there’s being presumptuous. OP and her DH do need to establish that this is their child and they make the decisions.

I’m so glad the in laws have spoken up on this thread! Thank you!

OP posts:
Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:34

Btw someone has asked if there’s a FIL. There is but they’re divorced. He’s in the reasonable camp and just messaged us now how we’re doing and if there’s anything we haven’t bought yet for baby to let him know as he’ll be happy to contribute. Not overbearing, just genuinely helpful. Very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Mummmyof1 · 13/09/2025 20:35

It will start with choosing a car seat, then she will choose a cot, then she will choose the bath tub, then the baby gym then the swing.....it sounds like she could be my MIL. I nipped it in the bud with the buying things for baby, by not having the 'we're looking at buying this conversations'. I bought what I needed to and then if it came up told them we already had it. Then they'll try meddling in to how you feed, when you feed, whens too soon to take the baby out etc. Mine even told me they'd keep baby with them when I went back to work. When it came to it, I agreed my back to work hours with manager...and put baby in nursery on my working days. If I was at work, baby was at nursery. If I was off, baby was off with me.

Ndimme · 13/09/2025 20:35

I would get that gift list together quick and hopefully she buys from that. Hopefully she doesn’t buy it all. I let my MiL choose the going home outfit, thank heavens I liked it. She was very happy lol. She’s extremely proud to be their gran, they have an amazing relationship and I can count on her, no doubt but sometimes it’s gets a little too much. I have had to make compromises, likely worn out by parenting itself.

ooh, I do get very lovely gifts for birthdays as she takes the kids shopping. Definitely better than what hubby would master.

DangoDays · 13/09/2025 20:37

I don’t think getting you a car seat is robbing you of an experience. It’s a practicality. I’d get it with a sling which is about comfort etc but if it’s a top of the range car seat, quite frankly, I’d be grateful. It’s nice she wants to help. This isn’t the case for lots of people. Don’t turn it into something. Draw your boundaries on the shit that matters.

Anxioustealady · 13/09/2025 20:38

OP I recently had my first and I like to pick everything myself and I don't like having lots of extra stuff, so I completely understand how you feel.

But honestly, when the baby is here, none of these things matter. You are the mother, you are in control, and no one can replace you to your baby, ever. She can build a nursery, fill her car with car seats, buy all the clothes she wants. You do not need to take or keep these things. Babies grow out of things so quick it doesn't really matter. Even if they pick a car seat or shoes first, it doesn't matter, you can still go buy whatever you want.

I was worried about my baby the whole pregnancy so I didn't want to buy much and I found it annoying people were excitedly buying things when I was not allowing myself to be excited yet (even though becoming a mom was my main dream), but honestly it doesn't matter, it doesn't take anything away from you if other people buy things. Use what you like, donate what you don't.

Ivf4203 · 13/09/2025 20:41

Ndimme · 13/09/2025 20:35

I would get that gift list together quick and hopefully she buys from that. Hopefully she doesn’t buy it all. I let my MiL choose the going home outfit, thank heavens I liked it. She was very happy lol. She’s extremely proud to be their gran, they have an amazing relationship and I can count on her, no doubt but sometimes it’s gets a little too much. I have had to make compromises, likely worn out by parenting itself.

ooh, I do get very lovely gifts for birthdays as she takes the kids shopping. Definitely better than what hubby would master.

Yes we’re on it pronto!! Thank you. She’s very wealthy and I’m sure she can afford everything on the list and more. However she really needs to understand that paying doesn’t mean control and that she just can trump on our own preferences and decisions. If she doesn’t agree with our choices, she can keep them for her own use.

OP posts:
NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 13/09/2025 20:43

I’ve had 3 babies and honestly, I don’t think I was ever excited to pick out the car seat, if someone had bought us one (good quality, right age bracket, fit in our car) I’d have been over the moon. I think you should both apologise to your MIL and say thank you very much for such a thoughtful, useful gift.