Page 9 | Teen with sen pregnant

allthingsred · 2025-08-23T08:02:30+00:00

My 17 yo dd is pregnant. & I don't know how to support her. She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age. She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months. He too has anxiety & depression. The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc) She wants to keep the baby but Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried. We will support her as much as we can but I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited. I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area. We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check. Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

Bathingforest · 23/08/2025 18:57

I'm baffled as how many people assume the daughter is mentally incapable. Being adhd or asd still can come with very sharp logical mind , mind you

Icecreamandcoffee · 23/08/2025 19:02

If DD does not want an abortion, then I would highly recommend talking openly and honestly about what pregnancy and birth is like so she can prepare. From what I understand about Sex and Relationships education at mainstream schools, it doesn't really focus on birth and pregnancy. I did GCSE child development at school and one of the modules was pregnancy and birth - it was very tame and whilst it did mention pain relief options there was nothing about episiotomy, vaginal examinations, inductions and how they are done, sweeps, multiple midwifes just sticking their hands up you in birth, blood tests, tearing and needing stitches, emergency c-sections, having to ask multiple times for pain relief, healthcare gas lighting, labour lasting hours/ days, pushing and possible damage to continence, pain and mastitis when breast feeding, shakes and vomiting in birth, bleeding afterwards. It was very, you go into labour, you are offered pain relief, you push for a bit and baby is born, then you put baby to breast and it feeds and then off you go. We were shown a birth video it was very tame.

Possibly watch 1 born every minute together and discuss realities of birth and pregnancy. So many women much older and not ND are pushed into so much during birth (interventions, not given enough or timely pain relief, gas lighted about pain, left to push for hours, examined vaginally without consent) and are left with both physical and mental trauma. I personally know one young mum (age 19) who was pretty much railroaded into induction, found the induction process via balloon very painful, once labour started was basically told this is child birth what did you expect and given very little pain relief (despite asking), left to push for hours. Tore badly and given stitches with only gas and air no numbing and told suck it up. She felt the staff were basically "teaching her a lesson". She was very traumatised by her birth.

If she does go ahead, try and be her birth partner and advocate for her or empower her to advocate for herself.

Bathingforest · 23/08/2025 19:02

Nettleskeins · 23/08/2025 18:10

This is such a negative thread. Mothers with autism, social anxiety and ADHD can still make excellent mothers. There is evidence to show that pregnancy and parenthood mature the brain.
People of every age need support from those around them and older mothers who have suffered PND aren't automatically told they can't possibly manage another baby and that it will be removed from their care.
There is every likelihood that termination will increase your daughter's mental health problems.
Better late than Never by Emma Mahoney about ADHD discusses the issue of ADHD and accidental pregnancy - and how this sense of 'accident equals termination" adds to feelings of failure whereas babies and parenting are ways to empower.

Would you talk to a thirty year old in the way you talk to a vulnerable 17 year old - surely you would help and encourage not tell them they are incapable and hopeless.

I know plenty of older people who had no idea how difficult babies would be and "financially couldn't manage" - but actually they did manage by hook or by crook - and made happy families - single parent /divorced or otherwise and we don't tell them how stupid and feckless they are to conceive just like we don't crow over people who leave it 'too late" because they were being incredibly cautious and financially diligent
Everyone is naive before they have a baby.

Parents regard their children as children but they are adults in the making, even then that doesnt mean you don't give them support. To ask someone to terminate against their wishes or to coerce them with threats is a horrendous form of bullying - it's her body.

There are many bullies in this place

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/08/2025 20:17

sunflower85 · 23/08/2025 15:08

This is very difficult for me to post this as I am, and always have been pro life, but in this scenario, I think termination would be the best thing to do.

So you’re pro forced birth and coerced abortion. That’s a strange dichotomy!

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/08/2025 20:28

I wish all the mothers on here who would force their ASD daughter to have a termination would be as militant about forcing her to get a long acting form of contraception.

It seems like most posters just think “oops, let’s just get rid of the problem” rather than educating your children in the first place so they don’t end up in that situation.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/08/2025 20:28

Double post

ShrankLastWinter · 23/08/2025 20:48

Surely it’s quite possible both to be pro-choice and to strongly discourage your daughter from making bad choices?

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 20:51

ShrankLastWinter · 23/08/2025 20:48

Surely it’s quite possible both to be pro-choice and to strongly discourage your daughter from making bad choices?

Apparently not. Though a pp upthread has managed it. Strongly discouraging is seemingly bullying.

Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2025 20:55

Nettleskeins · 23/08/2025 18:10

This is such a negative thread. Mothers with autism, social anxiety and ADHD can still make excellent mothers. There is evidence to show that pregnancy and parenthood mature the brain.
People of every age need support from those around them and older mothers who have suffered PND aren't automatically told they can't possibly manage another baby and that it will be removed from their care.
There is every likelihood that termination will increase your daughter's mental health problems.
Better late than Never by Emma Mahoney about ADHD discusses the issue of ADHD and accidental pregnancy - and how this sense of 'accident equals termination" adds to feelings of failure whereas babies and parenting are ways to empower.

Would you talk to a thirty year old in the way you talk to a vulnerable 17 year old - surely you would help and encourage not tell them they are incapable and hopeless.

I know plenty of older people who had no idea how difficult babies would be and "financially couldn't manage" - but actually they did manage by hook or by crook - and made happy families - single parent /divorced or otherwise and we don't tell them how stupid and feckless they are to conceive just like we don't crow over people who leave it 'too late" because they were being incredibly cautious and financially diligent
Everyone is naive before they have a baby.

Parents regard their children as children but they are adults in the making, even then that doesnt mean you don't give them support. To ask someone to terminate against their wishes or to coerce them with threats is a horrendous form of bullying - it's her body.

You are not in OP's shoes and facing bringing up her GC alongside everything else she has to deal with.
OP knows her DD , you don't so if OP thinks it will be challenging for her DD then we should believe her.
As for external support SS (if involved) will likely look at OP with great relief and leave them to it, which is what happened with our family member

DogRocket · 23/08/2025 20:59

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 09:52

I would absolutely push termination and use every service possible.
You will be the one looking after the baby.

How is it moral to force a termination on someone? It’s not your body.

DogRocket · 23/08/2025 21:02

Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2025 20:55

You are not in OP's shoes and facing bringing up her GC alongside everything else she has to deal with.
OP knows her DD , you don't so if OP thinks it will be challenging for her DD then we should believe her.
As for external support SS (if involved) will likely look at OP with great relief and leave them to it, which is what happened with our family member

Show quote history

It was challenging to me too but a great learning curve and I am happy now. Ive come along great strides and worked hard to sort my life out and have a husband and more kids. It’s been such a blessing and gives my life purpose. I love my children. If anybody forced or pressured me into abortion I would have been traumatised and our relationship would never recover. Life is not always perfect and I prefer to make lemonade when life gives me lemons.

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:02

DogRocket · 23/08/2025 20:59

How is it moral to force a termination on someone? It’s not your body.

Show quote history

I didnt use the word 'force' You did. I think OP should strongly push for it.
Its not moral to bring a child into the world under such circumstances either.

Sometimeswinning · 23/08/2025 21:03

Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2025 20:55

You are not in OP's shoes and facing bringing up her GC alongside everything else she has to deal with.
OP knows her DD , you don't so if OP thinks it will be challenging for her DD then we should believe her.
As for external support SS (if involved) will likely look at OP with great relief and leave them to it, which is what happened with our family member

Show quote history

Ah I see. The op should most definitely force her dd to have an abortion then. She should tell the doctors to ignore her protests and get
on with it. She should also explain that because of her issues she should be sterilised to stop this ever happening again.

citygirl77 · 23/08/2025 21:04

At 17, with special needs, she is a vulnerable child. I am assuming social services will be involved in this pregnancy. They may deem the baby to be at risk. I assume they will look for family involvement/ special guardianships.

Adarkandstormynight · 23/08/2025 21:07

Sometimeswinning · 23/08/2025 21:03

Ah I see. The op should most definitely force her dd to have an abortion then. She should tell the doctors to ignore her protests and get
on with it. She should also explain that because of her issues she should be sterilised to stop this ever happening again.

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This is what actually happened to me it was horrifically damaging . I refused - my mother insisted - the doctors followed her instructions. I was 18. They even documented it in my notes! I’d hate for anyone else to go through the absolute hell I did.

Baital · 23/08/2025 21:08

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:02

I didnt use the word 'force' You did. I think OP should strongly push for it.
Its not moral to bring a child into the world under such circumstances either.

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It's not about 'morality'.

Her DD has every right to make choices.

Her DD doesn't have the right to expect her mother to raise her child while DD dips in and out of motherhood.

The OP has every right to set the boundaries of the support - especially practical and financial support - she can provide to her DD.

Baital · 23/08/2025 21:10

Especially when that practical and financial support will affect the other children she has made a considered and mature decision that she can provide for.

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:11

Baital · 23/08/2025 21:08

It's not about 'morality'.

Her DD has every right to make choices.

Her DD doesn't have the right to expect her mother to raise her child while DD dips in and out of motherhood.

The OP has every right to set the boundaries of the support - especially practical and financial support - she can provide to her DD.

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We all know that all this boundary setting won't happen and OP will end up supporting this child- and possibly more- along with the 4 she already has.

Adarkandstormynight · 23/08/2025 21:12

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:11

We all know that all this boundary setting won't happen and OP will end up supporting this child- and possibly more- along with the 4 she already has.

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Well that would be OPs choice then ? Just like it’s her dds choice to terminate or not ?

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:13

Adarkandstormynight · 23/08/2025 21:12

Well that would be OPs choice then ? Just like it’s her dds choice to terminate or not ?

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Right. Coerced and bullied into a choice.But of course only children can be coerced and bullied on MN. Never parents.

justasking111 · 23/08/2025 21:16

The OP has a baby herself and three other children. That's a tremendous responsibility without taking on another baby. She also works.

She has a SEN daughter with serious issues who met a man online two months ago and is already pregnant .

How much is she supposed to endure?

Adarkandstormynight · 23/08/2025 21:18

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:13

Right. Coerced and bullied into a choice.But of course only children can be coerced and bullied on MN. Never parents.

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There are different levels. You just can’t force someone to either have a baby if they want a termination or force a termination if they want to continue their pregnancy. And let’s face it ‘force’ doesn’t just mean dragging and pinning someone down for a termination or preventing them leaving the house to stop them accessing termination . Coercion can be forceful too , manipulating blackmailing and bullying a woman to do something with her own body that she doesn’t want to do is disgusting.

Adarkandstormynight · 23/08/2025 21:19

justasking111 · 23/08/2025 21:16

The OP has a baby herself and three other children. That's a tremendous responsibility without taking on another baby. She also works.

She has a SEN daughter with serious issues who met a man online two months ago and is already pregnant .

How much is she supposed to endure?

Her dds right to choose - either way - comes above any of her wants or needs at this point.

Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2025 21:23

Sometimeswinning · 23/08/2025 21:03

Ah I see. The op should most definitely force her dd to have an abortion then. She should tell the doctors to ignore her protests and get
on with it. She should also explain that because of her issues she should be sterilised to stop this ever happening again.

Show quote history

You said all of that nonsense not me.

My point is that people saying it will all turn out Ok and this girl can probably parent adequately haven't lived it and aren't facing parenting a newborn when they didn't choose to.
I am sure OP will step up, she may have no choice but anyone getting misty eyes about it is an idiot
My Aunt is 70 and she is parenting her 35 year old DD with SN, her rather wild 15 year old GD and her SN 10 year old GD too. She is knackered and skint
The poor woman was happy to break her arm becasuse she actually got a rest!!!
I am not advocating forcing anyone to do anything but the reality is this will be tough on everyone and a termination would probably be the best option

CharlotteRumpling · 23/08/2025 21:25

Adarkandstormynight · 23/08/2025 21:18

There are different levels. You just can’t force someone to either have a baby if they want a termination or force a termination if they want to continue their pregnancy. And let’s face it ‘force’ doesn’t just mean dragging and pinning someone down for a termination or preventing them leaving the house to stop them accessing termination . Coercion can be forceful too , manipulating blackmailing and bullying a woman to do something with her own body that she doesn’t want to do is disgusting.

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I think coercing your mum to look after your child is equally disgusting and irresponsible. I know I am alone in this. Always astonished how little mums matter.

I am reminded of the thread some months ago where the OP had a 17-yr old pregnant for the second time in terrible circumstances, but was still told it would be 'bullying' to persuade her to terminate. All the posters on here won't be lining up to take care of the baby. The OP or the state will.