Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

You don’t know her capabilities and you are therefore sounding rather ableist. Autism, ADHD and social anxiety do not mean you cannot be a parent. I have all 3 and 3 children!

I would be having some very open and matter of fact conversations and research into termination. It’s a very valid option and an option for good reason.
I was a teen mother
I’ve also had an early abortion in my thirties. Honestly if I’d have known how accessible, acceptable, straightforward and frankly non- emotive abortions can be, I’d probably have considered it as a real possibility the first time round. Obviously I’m glad I didn’t, because I have my son. But some teenagers automatically have a ‘papa don’t preach/it’s us against the world’ perspective on pregnancy.
I have no SEN and did it all by myself and it was still hard. I can’t imagine the struggle I’d have been up against if I did have any additional needs and an emotionally volatile ‘baby dad’ to boot.
I’m just saying: lay out all her options (I’m sorry but I’m not including adoption here. Adoption is a mind fuck for anyone. I would imagine you’d have to be completely emotionally and intellectually robust to go down that road). Make a Bupa appointment where she will see women from all walks of life deciding ‘not right now’ and where a professional will go through what a medical abortion entails. She won’t be forced into anything. She will be better informed to make the decision that’s best for her.

Such a good post.
I'm so sorry that your DD is in this position and worried that she is thinking 'oh lovely, sweet baby' without considering (or understanding) the reality of the situation.
I wish her and you all the luck in the world, whatever happens.

The girl isn't going for an abortion. The mother isn't going for adoption.

I think what you might not have considering is that you might not get a choice if the child goes into care. If your dd has significant needs, she may (not consciously) put the baby at risk, or in danger.

Surely an abortion has to be the humane answer here for everyone.

It's incredibly noble of you to say you'll co-parent, but have you thought about what that will mean for your future?

Also, many have talked about the potential of the child having needs because of the genetic link. However, have you (I assume your dd in not able to consider such reasoning) thought about what the child's life will be like if they do not have needs? Unless you are incredibly careful and on hand all the time, they may become a young carer which is wholly unfair and a burden for life.

Such a tough one. I guess it's easy for us to say dd have an abortion, but you can't force a person. I feel sad if they have the child as it will likely have a tougher life than needed, and to knowingly burden a child (potentially) seems unfair.

I agree with this.
I feel like if you tell her that you'll do everything and take over if she cant cope, means she very well may just act like another sister to this baby and it will basically be yours to think about and care for.

This baby has a father and family on that side too.

I generally agree but does OP’s DD have capacity? She’s 17 so her mother still can consent for her. The reality for babies in this situation is they generally end up being raised by grandparents or in foster care! Once in the care system the outcomes are generally awful. Personally if this was my child I’d be having a conversation about terminating the pregnancy as neither parent will be able to care for the baby! OP also says DD has episodes of autistic burnout. The whole situation is a recipe for disaster and it’s the baby that will suffer!

I think you need to go in for some tough love here and make it clear to your daughter that you will not be changing your job to help out with the baby, and it will be 100% her responsibility. Apart from anything else, you can't guarantee always being around anyway. That means she will not get to walk away when the baby is crying or needs changing or is being sick, she will have to be prepared to deal with a noisy toddler throwing things around, she won't be able to spend time with her boyfriend whenever she wants, and she will have to be prepared to put her child first. She has to think long and hard about whether she can cope in those circumstances.

How old is the boyfriend? Has she told him yet? Is the pregnancy confirmed via a test, or she is just assuming because her period is late?
If your daughter has only just found out, I’d say it’s too soon for any categorical decisions. She’ll need some time to consider all options. Does she know what an early stage termination involves ie tablets rather than a surgical procedure? Might that sway her? Of course you can’t force her into a termination, but in your shoes, I’d certainly try to persuade her.
Did she have any ambitions for study/ work in the future? You’ll need to talk through with her how these ambitions are likely to have to be severely curtailed if she continues with the pregnancy (whilst the boyfriend on the other hand, can continue his life as usual…)

Also, I'm sure someone must have already mentioned this but was sex consensual? Did your dd understanding what sex was, and what it would possibly result in? Does her boyfriend understand the same? Importantly questions as she may be vulnerability to this happening again.

This is incorrect at 17 no doctor should perform an abortion on just the Mother of the patients wishes.

She is certainly over the age of consent and I assume would be thought to be competent to make these decisions, based on information given.

I assume they both don't work so how would they even pay for a baby let alone the other issues you've mentioned. A termination is what would be best surely.

One of the saddest things I've ever seen , was 30 years ago , and a women in her 20s with obvious sen being wheeled away from the ward down to delivery whilst having a meltdown and screaming for her mummy . It was horrific and I hope they don't put anyone through what she was experiencing .

I have a 13-year-old daughter (autism), and no, I would not bring up her child if she chose to have one at such a young age. At this point, you are enabling her as she is likely to go on to have more and expect you to look after them. It happens, but sadly, the later children end up going into care as the grandparents are understandably at their limit.

I really hope you get through to your daughter, OP.

I would be tough on this if I were you.

She also doesn't get to choose to keep a baby that she physically, mentally and financially can't take care of.

Also whatever the outcome please make sure she gets on to some longterm reliable contraception. I remember a thread not too long ago where the OPs daughter was pregnant again months after having a baby at 17.

forcing a termination on someone could have greater more dire consequences for that individual a termination is not an easy quick fix it has mh complications and possible health complications I would consider very carefully before forcing this measure on someone and saying do this or else

This was my dd last year. She was 18. Not diagnosed but definitely has autistic and adhd traits. Whilst I did not tell her she should terminate I was extremely vocal in my view that she was definitely not in a position to carry on with the pregnancy. Luckily she agreed.

I gave her no time to change her mind and got everything set up. Even then it took 2 weeks. Definitely no regrets on my part. I know I would have ended up having to look after a baby and i did not want to. It wouldn’t have been just her life that changed radically.

Although dd is quite definitely immature in many ways, she has been mature enough to realise it was the right decision. She is still with the bf (I doubt he would have red stuck around if there was a baby though). As far as I’m aware (and I realise this could come back to bite me) she doesn’t put any blame on me.

She gets to choose what happens to her own body.

DD has the implant now so no likely reoccurrence.

She does! Posters seem to think it’s ok to treat the ops daughter like some second rate human. No she’s not sensible. No she hasn’t got a clue but people can choose to have numerous babies with useless dads or even several dads. A woman can even abort a fully formed baby in some cases because it’s her body and choice. That’s pro choice. Works both ways.

It’s not ideal. The op can choose to walk away from the situation. Someone will help her dd.

Who will help her DD? No one.

Not if someone cannot look after a baby physically, mentally and financially. That would be ridiculous aswell as being a cheek expecting someone else to take over the care and foot the bill.

Well done. You did the right thing.