Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

I would worry about the hereditary aspect of ADHD, autism, depression and anxiety. The child will very likely inherit some of these at varying degrees.
a baby is “easy” compared to the child or teen with SEND issues that thus baby may grow in to. I am sure you will make sure the baby is looked-after if your daughter can’t, but that’s not what a child needs, - a child needs their parents. Have you thought about who will look after the child when you are too old or when they have problems?
i understand your daughter doesn’t want a termination but I also know kids with severe ADHD do not have the maturity and development to make the right decision.
its not just about what your daughter wants. It’s also about what this child needs. This child needs a parent (ideally 2) who can support and care for their needs for the rest of their lives. The fact that you “can” if your daughter “can’t” is great, but this is a child we are talking about not a back-up plan for who looks after a dog when the owner goes away for the weekend and is let down by the dog-sitter.

Not the case at all. They don’t perform means tests and parenting/mental capacity assessments at booking in appts and take those who fail off for terminations! The bottom line is that OP dd gets to choose what happens to her body regardless of anything else at this point in time.

She’s 17 and vulnerable. Have a long hard think about what could happen. Emotionally not. But that will be the consequences of having a baby.

End of the discussion is dd saying no to a termination. Thankfully we live in a world where no one can force her to have one! Just like no one can force the op to step in and help. She probably will though because this is her dd. That’s it when you have kids. They make bad choices and you do the best you can to fix it.

@allthingsred it is definitely worth looking at what support there is for your dd. If you can’t offer practical help you can help with arranging outside help and support if your dd insists on continuing with the pregnancy. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing

I’ve read your post about her needs but you don’t say what she is doing at the moment. College? Work? Nothing? I’m trying to get an idea of how well she is functioning.
I have ASD, anxiety, depression, OCD, agoraphobia and social anxiety. My husband and I have managed to raise four well balanced young people though do it doesn’t have to be negative.

If she refuses a termination and she can’t look after the baby it will be taken into care. They can’t pin her down and perform a termination against her wishes.

Does the boyfriend also have ASD?

I know a kid who was in this position at 16. The Mum took a few months off work to support her then had a phased return to continue that support. She's doing well now.
This is assuming you could afford to support in that way.

You must be in shock OP.
It sounds like you know you are unlikely to change her mind re a termination.
Do you think she will allow you to attend her MW booking in appointment? If so, you will have the opportunity to provide a clear picture of DD's struggles, and can ask for appropriate referrals.
Thresholds for CIN Assessment, for baby, by Social Services, might not be met, but, if this is the case, many areas have a Early Help type service which can be very helpful.
It's a shame there is no Family Nurse Partnership in your area, but some Health Visitor teams have a higher level of service they can offer,starting in early pregnancy. Ask the MW if this is the case and ask for an early referral.
You could also ask for a Social Services Assessment for your DD herself - she's only 17,and has a disability, so she might reach thresholds for assessment.
How much do you know about Dad and his living arrrangements and family? Hooefully the MW will delve into that.
Wishing you and your family well.

Yes, they do by law. A lot of children are in the care system for this very reason. There is no forced abortion or forced sterilisation in this country. But it's impossible to know whether someone can do it before they've tried anyway. And even then parents who have had one child removed can be more successful later. There is no ethical way to impose that decision on people.

This is such a negative thread. Mothers with autism, social anxiety and ADHD can still make excellent mothers. There is evidence to show that pregnancy and parenthood mature the brain.
People of every age need support from those around them and older mothers who have suffered PND aren't automatically told they can't possibly manage another baby and that it will be removed from their care.
There is every likelihood that termination will increase your daughter's mental health problems.
Better late than Never by Emma Mahoney about ADHD discusses the issue of ADHD and accidental pregnancy - and how this sense of 'accident equals termination" adds to feelings of failure whereas babies and parenting are ways to empower.

Would you talk to a thirty year old in the way you talk to a vulnerable 17 year old - surely you would help and encourage not tell them they are incapable and hopeless.

I know plenty of older people who had no idea how difficult babies would be and "financially couldn't manage" - but actually they did manage by hook or by crook - and made happy families - single parent /divorced or otherwise and we don't tell them how stupid and feckless they are to conceive just like we don't crow over people who leave it 'too late" because they were being incredibly cautious and financially diligent
Everyone is naive before they have a baby.

Parents regard their children as children but they are adults in the making, even then that doesnt mean you don't give them support. To ask someone to terminate against their wishes or to coerce them with threats is a horrendous form of bullying - it's her body.

I would work to establish if the pregnancy is a genuine contraceptive failure or if there was any kind of pressure/ coersion regarding unsafe sex to it (you mention BF is very intense). Were you aware that teen DD was sexually active with this partner? Such a new relationship with your teens needs could expose her to coersion.

Does she have SS involvement already? I'm guessing the fact she is known to Cahms and has other needs means she has some contact with support services. Does the BF have SS involvement as well? If she wants to keep the baby it is highly likely they will both flag for SS involvement and may be offered a mother and baby unit or a program of intensive support for young parents. It will probably also come with the caveats that if they are not coping then family will be expected to step up and in (often in a parental role to the baby) or the child placed into the care system. Whilst you have said you are willing to support them, this could mean you effectively inherit another baby/ toddler (possibly with SEN) can you realistically support this without burning yourself out with your current family set up? You may also need to be aware of prenatal and postnatal depression risk factors and how the pregnancy impacts on your DD's needs. Will she cope with morning sickness/ changes to her body or will she really struggle?

You will of course need to contact the BF parents and if both want to keep the baby then it will be a matter of both sets of parents working together to support them.

The best bet is to speak to support services, what is out there, what SS involvement looks like. Id try and get her booked in for midwife care as early as possible (sometimes it's let the GP know, sometimes it's a matter of calling the midwife team - depends on area) once pregnancy is fully confirmed, the midwife team will know in much more detail what the process is for young parents and SEN parents. In terms of termination, the earlier the better but there is a little time to explore options and process. It doesn't have to be termination next week.

I'm genuinely shocked how many of you keep saying termination - OP stated immediately that her daughter doesn't want a termination. Which means it isn't an option - end of. Regardless of her suitability as a mother it is her body, her choice. OP is free to insist she will offer no support with the baby, but to suggest termination when a woman has said she doesn't want one is terrible.

Pro choice works both ways!

I get what you're saying but it would be extremely selfish to bring a baby into the world with no means to pay for it or care for it properly, therefore adding another child into the care system. You can't physically force a teen but you can heavily encourage.

How near 18 is DD. Perinatal mental health services are available from 18 years old

It’s not only the concern about whether your DD could cope, it’s the father too. Crying when he leaves her? Anxiety and depression? I’d be concerned about leaving a baby with him. If your DD has the baby, she’s tying herself to him and he could well drag her down, never mind the poor child.

I agree with the PPs who’ve said not to tell her you’ll support her. Be kind, but be realistic. Take her declaration of wanting to keep the baby at face value and send her off to practise some normal everyday Mum jobs, eg popping to the shop for nappies, popping to the library/family centre to check out the local baby groups and facilities, etc. Also, ‘kindly’ allow her to look after her young sibling, including nappy/toilet duties, putting to bed, taking to the park, etc. If you know anyone with a baby, that would be great too. Allow her to hear the crying, allow her to feel the nerves of having responsibility for a baby.

Talk to her too about her hopes for the future and then quietly point out how a baby would impact those.

I'm like your dd to an extent and having children has completely shot my mental health,life in all areas to be honest,I would be very much encouraging termination.

Bad parenting leaving those two alone, even worse letting them try and raise a baby.

When did they get the opportunity to have sex, did you let the boy stay over?

Well said! I am shocked and horrified by the attitude of most people posting on this. They have never met the girl (or know how her disabilities affect her) and are making massive assumptions about her capabilities. I agree that 17 is very young to have a baby but the assumptions people are making about her neurodivergence are frankly appalling and very uninformed. People with ASD and ADHD do have certain difficulties but that does not mean that they cannot be good parents. It will be hard for the OP mostly because her daughter is so young. She won’t always be young. She will mature. Good luck OP, whatever your daughter chooses.

Certainly, and have her child removed if she cannot care for it adequately

If she does proceed we would never let the baby go into care so we know that we would help her raise it.
I'm already thinking this means changing my job to pt etc to be there to support her

I know today's conversation is going to have to be brutal so they can both understand the reality of things.

They aren’t going to understand the reality of anything if you’ve already decided you’ll step in, to the extent of changing your job. She isn’t in a position to have a child. If she’s saying she doesn’t want to terminate, the sensible response is ok well what’s your plan?

A generation ago it would have been easier to keep the pregnancy in these circumstances. My parents were the last generation that experienced a world where social housing was available. You could just about raise a family on the earnings of an (often male) breadwinner which meant childcare costs were less of an issue. These days it is challenging to afford to have a child in your thirties let alone as a teenager.

This.

The reality is they can rely on you to pick up the pieces.

Fair enough, that's your choice in the situation. I am not sure that helps them grow up and take responsibility for their choices.

I speak as a parent who had to deal with a teen daughter getting pregnant in an attempt to deal with her issues - in the end her son has been brought up by extended family on the father's side. I had, despite the emotional blackmail and my own feelings of guilt, set boundaries of what I could cope with. And what was best for younger DD. Yes, DD1 had the right to make her choices, but not impose them on others.

But there's no right thing to do as a parent in this situation. If on the whole it's what you choose then go for it. You don't have to. It's your choice.

The practicalities are important, but by the sound of it the teen parents may not be in an emotional place to.parent well.