Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

What is the alternative then would you like the law to be changed to remove the right to choose from certain women? To violate them in that way ? To allow other people to make the choice so that they aren’t inconvenienced or affected? And what about the other way if a woman wants a termination but her family are for example very religious and won’t allow it ? You cannot in any way shape or form erode the rights of women in this way. If there is a genuine and valid concern over the capacity of a woman to make a choice then there are legal processes to follow and the court of protection deals with these cases individually which is as it should be. Anything else would be harmful and a huge step backwards . It’s worrying how many on this thread are anti choice.

One can think that the daughter shouldn’t be coerced into an abortion whilst still agreeing the mother shouldn’t be coerced into bringing up a child that isn’t hers.

…

No. I haven't called for a change in the law. Please stop putting words in my mouth.

I asked for OP to involve social services, and use all the effort she can to educate her DD about the consequences of her hasty decision. She only found out two days ago.

depending on circumstances OP may not even need to involve SS if she is willing to support her dd that may be enough. Obviously OP knows her own situation best and can make that judgement.

What about the man who got her pregnant, does he have any say? Does he want to raise a child, does his mother?

What do you want people to say?

It could absolutely be the worst thing ever. She could be a terrible pregnant person and mother. She could also be absolutely brilliant.
Like anyone.

OP cannot tell her dd to have an abortion. She can suggest it but it’s not her call. Same as if her dd’s friend tells her he wants her to have an abortion. Not his call either.

Have you had any contact with the boyfriend’s parents ? If they met online, is he local? What does he think about the baby/future? In your position, I’d definitely be in touch with his parents - especially if he’s also minor and has SN.

Thank fuck for that . I worked with women who were sent to those places for the "crime" of falling pregnant , when I was a teenager in the late 80s and they were old ladies and had never been let out after being deemed mentally subnormally or wayward or some other horrendous rubbish that belongs in the Dark Ages.

I was born to a teenage mother who insists she brought me up herself. I definitely remember it being mostly my Grandparents!

This situation terrifies me in that I have a DD with ASD, currently pre-verbal primary school age, who could end up vulnerable to similar in her teenage years. I would not be prepared to look after her DC as my own.

In this scenario would strongly be encouraging termination, followed by contraception like the implant that can just be left alone to work, as I really wouldn’t want to see multiple pregnancies and babies being born into this kind of situation.

Because the teen suffers autistic burnout. Do you even know what that is? It is caused by mental overload and it means she isn't functional for significant stretches of time and has to recover and recuperate from the burnout. Then she's ok for a bit before burning out again.

The fact it happens at all means she hasn't found a way to live her life that she can cope with. She is a teen, not a stressed out adult juggling multiple responsibilities. She lives with her parents, she's not managing a home or holding down a job. She doesn't go out because she can't cope with that. And even with that level of zero responsibility for anything other than herself, she still can't manage to look after herself and remain fully functioning in daily life.

She's not "mentally incapable" per se, she has capacity it seems, but she's in no way mentally fit to raise a child without major support - that in reality doesn't exist. Unless OP raises the child for her, with the teen like an additional secondary parent instead of being her own child's actual parent. And that isn't fair on the OPs other children, especially her toddler.

Not really.

The choice of whether to terminate a pregnancy or not is entirely the pregnant woman's. The father of the unborn child can have an opinion, but has no say in the final decision, his opinion doesn't legally have to be taken into account by anyone.

@allthingsred if your daughter has adhd you need to factor in the 30% lag in emotional maturity which is typical. In which case you have a pregnant 12/13 year old emotionally.

No, OP doesn't have to 'step up'

Yes, she will probably be put under pressure and emotional blackmail.

She needs to involve MWs and SS and use the stuck record technique that she cannot accommodate DD's baby.

And keep reiterating to DD that she cannot accommodate a baby. That of course she loves DD, and if DD is keeping the baby DD needs to arrange her own living arrangements. If DD is old enough to be a parent, she is old enough to live independently. Help DD understand the benefits she can access etc but be completely clear the baby is not coming to OP

Thank you for articulating what I was struggling to. I wonder how many of the posters who are crying "ableist!" have actually been a naïve, neurodivergent teenager with mental health problems. Because I have, and moreover I know many who were in the same situation.

Despite the many nice thoughts that autistic people should have the same chances in life as neurotypical people, that's all they are. Nice thoughts, with no basis in reality. The fact is that pretty much everything is harder for autistic people because the world just isn't set up to accommodate how we do things. And I can use my own mother as an example when I say that parenting at 17 years old is incredibly tough even when you're neurotypical.

I agre with everything you say but OP has stated she WILL step up as she can't let her GC go into care or be neglected
My Aunt told her SN DD she would not be raising her baby and at over 70 she is raising 2 of them, as well as their Mother!

Autism and ADHD run deep through my family. Neurodivergence is now thought to be 80% heritable. It is important to consider the possibility that the baby could also be autistic. Is this situation sustainable if her child were also autistic, perhaps with high needs?

I have 2 DDs with AuDHD. One is certain that motherhood will never be for her. She is 20 and has already been through a significant burnout and I am sure she could not manage. DD1 could, I believe, manage if she were part of a supportive relationship and IF she had a child who did not have significant support needs of their own. That is the unknowable, uncontrollable factor which means it needs the utmost consideration.

I know a few autistic men who themselves have low support needs, who work, have successful relationships, etc. Their autistic children are much more severely affected, with very high support needs. I don’t know if this is a common pattern though. OP - is your daughter aware of the genetic factors?

I think it’s normal to want to do anything you can surely to prevent a family member going into care. I’ve seen other threads where people have taken in a relatives child so they don’t enter the care system.

Of course, most people would but its not ideal and can be prevented if OP's DD has a termination - which will have to be her choice
So Op will be picking up the pieces but has no say effectively. Its a difficult situation

Of course, it is completely understandable.

But it is completely reasonable to look at the impact on your other children (and yourself) and say you can't do it.

For the first child, or any subsequent child.

For those saying adoption is awful, as an adoptive mother I can say my DDs difficulties are because of the abuse and neglect they experienced in their birth family, not because they are adopted. They have always known why they are adopted, and have never had an issue with being adopted. A relinquished baby for their own good, with a degree of contact with their birth family, is likely to cope very well. Far better than being brought up by parents who can't cope with parenting.

The fact the daughter has some nd is NOT an automatic social services prescription.

I don't think saying she should have a termination as child will also likely to be autistic is a good idea.
She has only just been diagnosed and has likely recently had burnouts due to being undiagnosed for so long and not having any reasonable adjustments.
She is just coming to terms with her own autistic identity. Saying you should have a termination as child is likely to be autistic like you and that's going to be too hard is in effect saying to the Daughter that you were too hard work, autism is bad and we definitely don't want anymore autism in the family it's bad enough we had you.

That's not the message a vulnerable young person needs when trying to understand and accept their differences.

Explaining the autism has a genetic component is one thing but this shouldn't come by devaluing autistic people or suggestions that the world would be better if they didn't exist.

If a autistic person has an autistic child they will be more likely to create an autistic appropriate environment, be more understanding of the barriers the child faces and less likely to blame the child for their differences.

I can't know if the young lady will or won't cope with parenthood, but I do know it should be her informed choice.

Don't become your daughters form of birth control , have a baby , pass to mum , have a baby , pass to mum and so on .
Make her very aware , she has this baby and it's her responsibility and everything that entails .