Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

Unless she is assessed and it is found she lacks capacity she has every right to make whatever decision she wants to. To force her otherwise is a violation she will likely never recover from and also I would imagine , illegal?

For a start, I highly doubt anyone “severely autistic” would have only been diagnosed at 17.

What I’d have suggested is moot now, but it would have been to take charge of the daughter’s birth control in the first place (and subsequently) so that this situation didn’t arise.

How would you suggest a “severely autistic” child is going to manage after they’ve been kicked out of the house?

So your answer is a forced termination? I don’t think you mean it that way to be fair but sometimes in life there are issues that can’t be fixed. No, well that’s not fair. She says no to terminating her baby and then the op has to take over then unfortunately that’s life. There are no good answers in this.

You can’t force a woman to terminate anymore than you can force someone to birth a baby.

Unfortunately you cannot force your DD to have a termination even though it seems to be the most sensible option. However you are perfectly entitled to have a say in any decision as I'm guessing your DD is assuming that she will stay living at home and have you as the back up parent.

In all likelihood you will end up raising this baby. You have got to consider your other children, particularly your toddler. The fact you are considering going part time implies to me that you know your DD will struggle being a parent.

If it were me, I think I would be completely upfront with your DD and say that you will not be providing childcare on tap for her. That she needs to look at the possibility of moving into her own place, particularly if she stays in a relationship with the father. Obviously it is going to be very difficult for 2 SEN teenagers to stand on their own two feet but you need to lay out for your DD the reality of being a parent. Explain that both her and the boyfriend will need jobs to be able to provide for the baby and/or look into what benefits they would be entitled to. At the moment I don't think your DD is thinking about any of this and is expecting you to financially support her and the baby indefinitely.

Obviously I know you would support her completely, as I would with my own DD in this situation, but your DD can't just make a decision to have a baby if she isn't prepared to face the realities of being a parent.

I think you seriously need to consider the possibility that you will not merely be helping with the baby, you will be raising it for her. I say this as an autistic woman as I know that at 17 if I'd had a baby I would have been capable of covering 0% of the baby's needs. In addition, I don't think I can name a single one of my peers who would have been any different. And it sounds like your daughter has more on her plate when it comes to diagnoses than I do.

If you're not prepared to do this I think you need to be banging down the proverbial door with social services as soon as you possibly can. That said, you have my sympathies for what is an impossible situation and I hope that your daughter will listen to reason before it's too late.

And if you are prepared to bring up that grandchild - what about the next? And the next? If the DC are being adequately cared for, where is the guarantee that DD won't just keep getting pregnant on the grounds that the babies are being looked after?

I think a very difficult conversation might be in order.

What will you do the next time she gets pregnant?

Of course she shouldn't be pressured into having an abortion..

Equally the OP is entitled to say they are not in a position to have an extra baby in the house or provide childcare.

Get social services involved and be very clear (and you will be put under pressure) that DD cannot live with you after she gives birth. You are not in a position to accommodate a baby (unless, of course, you want to).

Emotional support, lots of love and still very much part of your family, yes, but if DD is mature enough to have a baby they are mature enough to have their own place and care for the baby.

Then let the various services support your daughter to make her decision, including work out where she will live. And they must pick up the pieces if DD cannot parent adequately.

You will continue to love and support your DD emotionally, but just as she is entitled to make her own decisions in this situation, she needs to accept the consequences of her decisions.

You are entitled to say this baby is not your responsibility.

My SIL had a daughter with SEN and physical disabilities, she got pregnant three times, had three babies all of whom spent months in Great Ormond Street regularly. She should never have had those babies . The state picked up all the bills. Honestly it was madness which her mother had zero say in because she was overruled.

So why didn’t you have an abortion or put your babies into care then?

Because I was selfish and immature.
And, I did place my twins in care, actually, when they were 2; they were there for just under 9 months whilst I had intensive therapy; they have been hone ever since.

I do think you need to broach where she will live, who will fund things for baby and what she’ll do day to day care wise. Has she told the dad? Will his parents help fund and care for baby.
It sounds like it may be a planned pregnancy to avoid having to go to college/work. She might be hoping it’s making of her - there’s a lot of content online sm of the I got pregnant at 15 and it was best thing to happen to me variety, often by teens with issues.

I find people are quick on here to suggest a termination if it's not an ideal situation. I'm all pro choice but she has chosen hers - she wants the baby so I think we should be thinking of positive steps moving forward.
It could be the making of her. She will grow and love that baby and it sounds like she has good support network around her, i.e you. I think the best you can do is present her with all the information so she can make her own choices. Any pressing of a termination can be unforgivable if she regrets it.

Its interesting how blase posters are about OP having to take over when she already has 4 other children including a toddler. If teens cant be forced into termination neither should GPs be forced into taking care of likely a SEN child.

I'd absolutely want to talk to her BFs family because if your DD goes on with this pregnancy they need to know too. If her BF turns his back on her that may influence her decision whether she keeps the baby or he may want to be a Father, quite honestly neither of them sound anywhere near ready for parenthood.

This is very difficult for me to post this as I am, and always have been pro life, but in this scenario, I think termination would be the best thing to do.

Id be worried about the role of the father in this. How / will he be able to put a child ahead of himself?

I think you really need to revisit the discussions around termination here, followed by discussions about safe sex.

Is there any way that you could let your daughter have some experience of what motherhood would be like? …….crying baby, night feeds, constant demands on her, the laundry etc.
And only knowing the father for two months would also pose problems potentially…..the have little to no knowledge of one another, apart from the obvious of course.
She is so young and I am sorry that you’re in this position OP. Wishing you well and hope you can find a way forward.

If your dd and her boyfriend both have sen there a high chance the baby will too and potentially severe sen.

I can't put into words how difficult it is caring for a child with severe sen who will never live independently. It will be impossible for either her or you to cope in your current situation if the baby turns out to have severe sen.

It really is something to keep firmly on the forefront of your mind and make clear to dd is a strong possibility.

As a first step, I would sit her down, possibly with someone from her college/school (especially if it is a specialist SEN college), and check that she fully understands her decision. I'd ask her what she thinks an abortion is, and what it would be like. What she thinks her life would be like if she had an abortion. And then the same for what she thinks about pregnancy, and about what she thinks her life would be like after birth, and with a child - not only as a baby, but as they grow up.

Even though she sounds like she has capacity, it's a good idea to make sure she is fully informed, because with SEN, especially if they are at the more severe end, there can be some strange assumptions made. And sometimes our children (even those without SEN) can be behaving as they think we would want - when it isn't want we want at all. When social media, TV and society sends out a message that abortion is wrong, it could be easy for her to assume you think the same thing.

So I would also be honest on my own thoughts. Let her know you would support her no matter what, and that any baby she had would always be loved and wanted. But explain why you believe an abortion would be best for her at this point in her life (as this seems to be what you think - and I agree with you).

And of course lots of reassurance on how much you love her and how no choice could ever change that.

I really hope it works out for you all, whatever the outcome.

Being a parent doesn't always mean swooping in and absorbing the impact of your children's decisions. Which is what you're prepared to throw your own life away for her and do. Actions have consequences, yet you're not prepared to let your DD have them.

Time for tough love not smoothing over things. If she’s going to go ahead with the pregnancy she needs to tell you how she plans to pay for the child. I’d be telling her she needs to get a job now and move into her own home in readiness for being a parent. And make it very clear you don’t intend to help with the baby. Adult decisions have adult consequences

Has she explained why she doesn’t want a termination? Is this her idea or his?

I was a teenage parent myself and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My DD has always known that while I’d support her within reason, I honestly 100% believe the obvious solution for a teenager should be termination.

I’m not sure “supporting no matter what” is the right choice in these situations. She needs a reality check asap because it’s not only her life that she’s playing with.