Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

How far along is she?

I’d be pushing for a termination for my own DD at that age and she’s not got 1/4 of the issues your DD has.

You will be raising this baby.

Is she saying she wants to keep it?

I had a baby at that age and you think you know it all but you just don’t and so telling her anything is going to be a battle.

I would definitely get a professional to speak to her but i don’t know if that would be SS, a midwife, doctor or even CAMHS.

I assume he’s also ND and would struggle and so they’d both need a lot of support and SS involvement.

It's very early stage. She found out 2 days ago & told us yesterday
& she says she doesn't want a termination.

If she does proceed we would never let the baby go into care so we know that we would help her raise it.
I'm already thinking this means changing my job to pt etc to be there to support her

I know today's conversation is going to have to be brutal so they can both understand the reality of things.

Although as I said she lives with a baby so she understands & sees how hard & relentless it can be.

If she does proceed I know that we will have to get as much support as possible around her to help via social care etc.

You can't say you would never put a child in care until you have bought up a child who is severely disabled. The welfare system is screwed and there is no support and you are basically left on your own to cope. I have ptsd as a result as do several friends of mine. This is not something to be taken lightly. Obviously I love my child very much but it is exhausting and I have to be on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week except when they are at school.

I’d be trying my hardest to get her to consider a termination.

I see so many instances on here of grandparents raising the children of teenagers and it's so deeply unfair.

Sorry genetics
Not meant any offence

I meant we wouldn't do so , if we are able to care for the child ourselves.

By no means judging those that have had to through no other choice.
And certainly not if it's meant the best outcome for their child or family.

If she does proceed we would never let the baby go into care so we know that we would help her raise it.
I'm already thinking this means changing my job to pt etc to be there to support her

Wrongly or rightly, I’ve already told my DD of the same age that she’d be on her own and I would not support her in any way.

I would actually support her 100%

But I do think she needs to think about the reality of doing it by herself and not float in and out.

I guess with a toddler already, it wouldn’t make a huge difference to your life but it would ruin hers.

I would tell her she has 3 choices:
-a termination
-putting it into care
-keeping it but moving out

I can only wish you all the best of luck. I’m not concerned that the baby won’t be loved or cared for because realistically you are going to be doing it, but the impact on you and your other children is going to be major and lifelong (including of course some positive impacts) whatever the health of the child. I hope she can talk to someone who has had a positive outcome from termination, and someone who can talk her through perhaps long-acting contraception in the future.

How is she going to handle going out with the child for fresh air and to play at the play park. Taking him to nursery to meet other children weekly if not daily. The doctor. The dentist etc. All the visits and excursions kids like,plus popping into a shop in person as youve run out of something that you can’t wait for online delivery to send you. The weekly shop even if there are internet issues.

all that if she can’t handle being out and about herself?

Has she had to change her brothers nappy when he’s shat all up his back? Dealt with cleaning up vomit off the furniture when he’s ill. Doing it all at 3am when shes tired? How much has she actually done for him?

Can she be caregiver to him for the next week ie she does it all under your supervision so she can feel the full horror and smell/feel it firsthand? Takes him to the park on the bus, takes him into M&S to pick up a ton of salmon or whatever. You know just everyday stuff til she realises all You do with him (with you there all the time obvious).

And if she says “mum i cant deal with that nappy it’s extra smelly” or that shops too busy, the answer is “tough if that was your kid you’d have to so suck it up and get on with it”.

Shes so new into this relationship. I’d suggest you tell her that babies put a strain on relationships and especially one so new so there’s a good chance it won’t last. Is that what you want, to split up from him as it’ll likely happen once a screaming baby arrives? And if he wants custody can his parents handle that. Having to hand over a child to someone you don’t trust or even know would be hard if it’s state ordered because they will provide support to their son and the ss says fine.

There is plenty of time to have a baby later. I’d be pushing that angle and pointing out it’s just a tiny pip just now not a baby yet so it’s a good time to not go through with this and take a pill instead and think about that later.

Id even suggest a family conference with the other parents. They may feel the same. Young people having accidents is one thing, sometimes they step up and it ends well. Young people who lack the ability to care for a baby is another.

Social care involvement doesn’t mean the baby will be taken into care.

Your daughter is eligible for support herself under section 17 of the children act, they may refer to early help in order to get support in place for her and baby and/or signpost her to other agencies that will be able to offer support.

I really would call children’s services.

Agree with this. If you tell her you’ll help then she’ll make the decision based on knowing you’ll be there to sort everything if she can’t so there’s no risks. I’d tell her she needs to work out if she’d be able to manage 100% of the care (I would help but not tell her I would going into it).

My cousins son has ADHD and slight autism, he was 16 at the time his 17 year old girlfriend (at the time) got pregnant. He said he was going to be the best dad, pay for the baby (i dont know how without a job) and look after him all the time and make sure he has a good life
Fast forward to him being 20 and he has 3 children (2 to who he was with at 16 and another with another girl) he doesnt look after any of the 3 children or pay for them its all down to his mum who is now 42 and all he does is roam the streets with his 'friends' and baby mums are both the same in the sense that they've parred all 3 off onto their nannan, nannan takes them to nursery and pays for everything, they even call her mum rather than nannan.

It may be different with yours, however im not seeing that happening. You'll be forced to look after this baby as she wont cope. As other posters have said termination is an option, but if she doesnt want to go through with termination then adoption is a lovely option, you're giving someone else who really wants a baby and who would cope with a baby a chance to show baby so much love and care, it doesnt mean that she cant have contact with baby, im sure you can stipulate that you'd like baby to go up for adoption but would like some contact (im not too sure how it is these days, as theres no actual risk to baby eg. Drugs, alcohol abuse)

You'll have to sit down with her and show her options and question her.
Do you think you will be able to do this on your own since you've only known the father 2 months, he still has chance to leave her on her own.
Do you think you will be able to get up in the night with a crying baby and remain calm?
Are you ready for such a huge responsibility?
Can you afford to have this baby?
Have you thought about other options such as placing baby up for adoption at birth?
Ect.
Its better to be open and honest with her, also it may be best to inform a midwife and see what they suggest in a professional manner, they may be able to speak to her and give her advice.

Either way this may go, good luck!

Also how old are your and your DH? You having a 17 year old I’m guessing you’re at least late thirties or early 40s. You also need to consider if you will be around for the child - this will be stressful and that can knock years off your life. If this baby is also SEN they may need lifelong care, and realistically you won’t be able to provide that. If she does have the baby you need to focus on teaching her to take care of it alone and ensure she gets support and knows how to access it herself.

I really tried to word that in a way that doesn’t sound awful but I don’t really think there is a nice way to say it.

"Although as I said she lives with a baby so she understands & sees how hard & relentless it can be."

That's different OP, it isn't her baby. She doesn't have ultimate physical or emotional responsibility for her sibling. She can shut herself away, go out or listen to music whilst the baby screams its head off, pukes up or has to be rushed to hospital. You will be bringing up this baby 100% as if it was your own without a shadow of doubt and your DD will treat it merely as another sibling. Honestly OP, for all your sakes I'd push for a termination.

I know this is meant well and I agree with most of what you’re saying, but adoption isn’t a lovely option.

It’s the best case scenario for a child in care IF the adoption goes well, but the ideal scenario is not to have the child in care in the first place.

Children suffer trauma from adoption, the rates of adoption/placement breakdown are high and if the child does have additional needs then it adds yet another layer of difficulty.

If the daughter is likely to be unable to cope then a termination is the kindest option all round, however it doesn’t sound like the daughter wants to consider this route.

You already have 5 children in the house including a toddler. If she wants to keep the baby then she needs to move out. She’s not going to learn if she can leave the baby with you whenever she can’t cope.

I'd be trying to persuade her to have a termination too. This all sounds like such an awful situation, but I suspect OP is not keen on this course.

Shes so new into this relationship. I’d suggest you tell her that babies put a strain on relationships and especially one so new so there’s a good chance it won’t last. Is that what you want, to split up from him as it’ll likely happen once a screaming baby arrives?

As @RentalWoesNotFun said, I would actually focus on her relationship.

If she’s so ‘in love’ then this may be the only angle that makes her think straight.

Tell her that babies put a huge strain on the relationship and that it’s likely it won’t last.
So she needs to decide whether she wants the baby or the boyfriend.

It’s amazing how many on here are so strident about “my body my choice” but think they could force someone else to get an abortion. How would that work exactly??

Same with all the posters saying she should be forced to move out. How the fuck is a ND 17 year old going to set up house with a new baby? Honestly I think some on here live in cloud cuckoo land.

OP, your daughter has known her boyfriend 2 MONTHS and managed to get pregnant already. If she’s forced to terminate, she will most likely be pregnant again within a few weeks. Mind you if she has the baby, she will probably also be pregnant again fairly quickly. What are you planning to do when that happens?

Doesn't sound like a good idea to bring a child into this situation.

What's your situation OP? Do you have a supportive partner? Is he the father of your DD and your other children? Are you planning to have more children in addition to the 5 you already have? This affects how much support you could give your DD.

Whatever is the outcome with this baby, she really needs an implant.

Yes.

Agree with this. Pushing termination is an awful awful idea that will likely leave the both of you emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. Do not underestimate it. Termination does not rewind the clock.

let your child make the decision, and if you can not support her then make that abundantly clear so she can consider her options. Adoption is a great option in this case. Many many many responsible parents out there desperately wanting a child to love.

The offspring of two Sen teen parents is going to be a nature and nurture nightmare

If she doesnt want a termination, would she want a adoption? And if the baby is SEN, would it be so easily adopted?