Teen with sen pregnant

[allthingsred]

My 17 yo dd is pregnant.
& I don't know how to support her.

She has autism adhd severe social anxiety & is very niavee for her age.

She met the father on line & they have only known each other 2 months.
He too has anxiety & depression.
The relationship already worried me with how intense it got (he would cry when leaving after visiting her etc)

She wants to keep the baby but
Her sensory needs around noise smells, she has repeated episodes of autistic burnout makes me worried.
We will support her as much as we can but
I work & have a toddler as well as 3 other children, so it will be hard & limited.
I've looked online and there seems to be a family nurse service which sounds great but not in our area.

We are planning a conversation with her today which will be a reality check.

Does anyone have any advice or positive stories from teen pregnancies with similar issues

Could she realistically look after a baby?

Termination surely? You / SS would be left to look after the baby as well as your own toddler and other children. From what you’ve said your daughter sounds incapable of looking after a baby onher own (and the father the same). How many times have they met? What a mess.

That sounds very difficult.

I have a 17 year old with similar issues and I absolutely know there is no way she could look after a baby without an immense amount of support ie someone else doing most of it.

Do you think she could cope? For some adolescents it can actually be the making of them in terms of taking responsibility. If she is unlikely to cope then would you be prepared to raise the baby yourself? If you don't and she doesn't cope the baby could end up in care.

I would be contacting social services now for advice and support. CAMHs to if you're under them (although we all know CAMHs support is very patchy). I think your DD needs to speak to a social worker to face some of the realities of this situation.

I hope it works out OK for you all.

The only positive teen pregnancy stories I know were teens who very different to your daughter. They were mature and very capable. It doesn’t sound like your daughter is going to be capable of looking after a baby realistically and it’s going to mean that you end up doing it. She does need a reality check and I’d hope that she chose to have a termination, for everyone’s sake. I feel for you OP.

It does sound as if she would need a very high level of support for the baby to be cared for. That support if given by you will also affect the rest of your family. I can’t see that anyone else is going to do it tbh.

How is your dd with your other children? What is her boyfriend’s family setup?

I’m afraid I would be presenting either termination or adoption as the most realistic options. When she talks about keeping the baby, do you think she has any grasp at all of what that means (accepting that none of us really know what it will be like, but we do things like planning about jobs, maternity leave, child benefit etc)? I think you need to decide whether you are willing to care for this baby essentially as another child, because if she keeps it I think that is what will happen.

I know my son with ASD finds it very hard to imagine a new scenario or think about the future. So he's stand no chance of understanding what having a baby actually entails.

Can you get her to look after a younger sibling for a day (with support)? Do you know anyone with a newborn she could meet? Can she try changing a nappy and listening to some crying? Until it's concrete for her, she may have no idea what it means for her life if she were to keep her baby.

Another thought - does she have capacity or are you her appointee already? I'm considering court of protection, and I'm already my DS' appointee for PIP.

A member of DHs family got pg at 18, she has SEN and so does the father. She deliberately did it because me and SIL were both pg and (her words) she wanted presents and attention too.
She had another child 2 years later
The older child is now 15 and is pretty wild, despite the best efforts of her Grandma who basically raised her, the younger child has SEN
The Grandmother is in her late 70's now and is the childrens only real parent, their mother is capable of doing more but just doesn't want to. The Grandmother broke her arm recently and told me that she was actually glad because it would mean she couldn't drive so would get a rest
Sorry OP but if this pregnancy goes ahead you will probably be raising that child as well.

Well she knows what its like caring for a child given you have a toddler. Stick her on night duty and nappy duty for the weekend and you go out for the evening let her look after the kids see how she finds it

If she has asd then the child could also have very high needs and could (although there is a lowish risk) potentially be non verbal and need life long support. Could she/you manage this or potential put the child up for adoption if not?
Even if they don't have asd with a severe learning disability, they could just not sleep, ever, which is pretty debilitating, or have violent autistic meltdown, or severe mental health disorders and be suicidal etc as a teen. Would you daughter or you be able to support some with these needs?
If her boyfriend is also asd then the likelihood of thia would double.

Asd is very hereditary so you are probably looking at a 50% ish risk of at least some level of asd at a severe enough level to significantly impact their quality of life. That would be even higher f the dad has asd too.

That sounds very tough. Is there a Family Nurse Partnership service in your area?
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/family-nurse-partnership-programme
It’s for first time Mums under 24.
They would be able to signpost to other sources of support - including during pregnancy.

My DD is in exactly the same position. Same age, same medical conditions. I contacted social care and she now lives in a hostel with her boyfriend which is also supportive housing. They have social workers on site every day and they will assess and ensure she is capable of caring for a baby before they get a council flat. But we have been warned that if she is deemed not capable, baby will be placed into care.

Oh golly op, what a mess, im sorry you are all going through this. It sounds like a termination may well be the best thing all round (and some contraception), as you will raising this baby along with your own kids most likely if she has the child.

This is very hard but I don't think anyone should be forced to have an abortion or to continue a pregnancy if they want an abortion.
My daughter has ASD and SEN so already needs support from us so I understand your concerns and worries but equally I understand that forcing my DD to do anything against her will has not gone well
There was a post recently where the DD had moved to BF family as mum in an effort to get DD to terminate had been keeping DD awake to represent sleep deprivation of the newborn stage

Having open conversation about pros and cons and work involved is one thing. Pressure to abort is something that shouldn't happen.
Even with disability we should give people autonomy over what happens to them. I think society generally frowns over the forces sterilisation of disabled people in the past. Even if she does have an abortion this time of it isn't what she wanted how do you prevent future pregnancy?

You need to speak with social service/adult social care asap.

Stick her on night duty and nappy duty for the weekend and you go out for the evening let her look after the kids see how she finds it

More to the point, how would the kids find it?

Hi all
Yes our thoughts are that it will very likely mean ourselves offering even more support.
She knows the realities of living with a baby as she has a 2 yo sibling.

She is brilliant with him..but I'm under no illusions when he is being a toddler (loud noisy and perfection chaos she can take herself to her room. A baby of her own she can't do that)

She has just been discharged from camhs as she has made brilliant progress
And her diagnosese are very very recent (2 weeks ago)

I would absolutely push termination and use every service possible.
You will be the one looking after the baby.

One of my best friends was a teen mum & there was a 17 year old mum in one of the baby groups I went to last year with my daughter who I became really good friends with- both amazing mother’s, but both very different to your daughter in that they were both capable of stepping up and taking care of a baby independently whereas from your description it sounds as though your daughter with her needs really isn’t going to be capable of doing that.

I’d have a proper think really about how much support you can realistically and practically provide, and for how long, and have a proper sit down chat about that. It sounds like this child wouldn’t just be your grandchild, you will end up having to take on a much more hands-on mothering role than that so if you are not capable or willing to do that, which is totally understandable, then you need to be brutally clear and honest about that so that she can make a decision based on those facts rather than thinking she can go for it with you there to pick up the pieces.

Damn OP, that’s really hard. Sending love to you and your DD. I think you need to call in the pros and let social services assess her and speak to her.

Oh dear. I wouldn't push a termination though but have those really open and honest conversations with both of them including the dad's parents. Make sure theyre both aware of the reality of the situation and id be accessing some impartial counselling for her too to help weigh up the options. What support can both families provide - this is not just on you paternal side needs to step up as well.

I dont think there's a right or wrong way to handle this. If you push for termination against her wishes it could end very badly and equally if they keep baby you could end up raising it.

Fwiw I'm a SW and have seen some incredible parents with varying additional difficulties. The big thing is the support they receive from both professionals and family.

Good luck with whatever the outcome!

Terminations are for this - contraception failure resulting in accidental pregnancy.
This is not a well timed or well supported decision and the father sounds like he will also require support. It would be a termination here - it’s not the right time or person.

sadly, I think this is a disaster waiting to happen. it sounds like the boyfriend is also incapable of coping, plus maybe unused to babies? I do wonder if he will be sticking around.
though your daughter has younger siblings, they are not her responsibility.
There is the option maybe if in your area of a supervised hostel place but given the short time they have known each other maybe not.
i can see you ending up bringing up the child which you obviously do not want. i really think to stop the inevitable mess termination is the only solution. if not she will probably end up having the baby taken away from her by SS

I’d worry about tying herself to this boy for the rest of her life.